10 Reasons Why Star Wars Never Should Have Happened

Shirts. Mugs. Theme park rides. R2D2 lamps.  Action figures. Mighty Mugs. Vanity plates. Onesies and twosies. Sweaters. Tees. Hoodies and Costumes. Mini-busts. Kites. Magnets. Poptarts.  Kubricks, LEGOs, and Micro Machines. For a premium, you can have all this and more in more tattooes with the Star Wars brand. Or you could save the money, avoid debt and maybe even put your kid through a decent college. Then you can pay the same premium for all the same crap to have that school’s crest.

You made this man rich. Meanwhile, Cassavetes is hustling for a down payment on a cheeseburger. And what hath Lucas done? Shat on your childhood, not only throwing together one of cinema’s most soulless creations, but going back and editing his old films with the careful hands of a silverback gorilla. This would be the point where I yammer on about Han shooting whatishisname first, but frankly that’s irrelevant because...

When an entire fanbase denounces 50% of a franchise -- the lion’s share of the creator’s work -- they must stop and think: was said creator genius or simply a luck-struck madman?

 

Is it important we remember the name of who Han kills?

Who does Joe Pesci kill in Goodfellas? What’s the name of Mike Myers’ first victim? All we need to know about the extras is their role in serving the plot. That's why credits generally include names “Waitress 2”  and “Angry Janitor.”

Who cares about names like Muftak. Or Greedo. No one goes to the grave thinking, “You know, I wish I’d read more about Ben Quadinaros, the Toong from planet Tund.”