Why Have (More) Children?

A. Loving Children vs. Needing Children .............................147

B. Responsible Child-bearing .................................................148

C. Existential Questions about Reproducing ......................149

A. The Survival of the Human Race .......................................150

B. Giving Meaning to Our Lives ..............................................150

C. Our Affirmation of Life ..........................................................152

D. "We Love Children" ..............................................................152

E. "It's Natural to Want Children" ...........................................153

F. To Please Our Parents and Grandparents .......................157

G. Religious Reasons ................................................................159

H. Saving the Marriage ..............................................................161

A. Fulfillment as a Woman—the Maternal 'Instinct' ............164

B. Enjoying Pregnancy and Child-Birth ................................167

C. "Without Children You're an Outsider" ............................168

D. "I Need a Change" .................................................................169

E. "I Want My Husband to Protect Me" ..................................170

F. As an Alternative to Sex ........................................................170

G. To Have Someone to Love ..................................................170

A. The "Family Man" Identity ...................................................172

B. Someone to Carry on the Family Name ...........................172

C. Children as a Sign of Financial Success .........................173

D. Children as Proof of Manhood ...........................................173

E. Children to Keep His Wife at Home ...................................173

F. Having Subordinates ............................................................174

A. Not Everyone Can Be a Good Parent ...............................175

B. Practical and Marital Problems Caused by Children ....175

C. Keeping Our Options Open .................................................179

D. Problems of Pregnancy and Child-Birth ..........................180

E. Genetic Defects that Should Not be Passed On ............180

F. Not Wanting Full-Time Responsibility for Children .......180

G. Being Committed to Other Purposes ................................181

H. Problems Caused by Overpopulation ..............................182

I. Problems of the Human Condition ......................................182

J. Our Existential Predicament ................................................182

A. The Option of Adoption ........................................................183

B. Shared Parenting ...................................................................183

        Babies serve to catch a man, save a marriage,
 prevent the first child from being lonely,
 and ensure against loneliness in the parents' old age.
 But the vast majority of the mothers I spoke with
 have no reason for having children
 beyond the feeling that it was natural to have a child
 at a respectable and reasonable interval following marriage.
                                        —Shirley Radl  Mother's Day is Over  p. 37

INTRODUCTION

     This chapter is not about the children we might already have.
Probably we love our children and want to give them the best care.
And one important way we can love and care for our children
is to control our capacity to bring more children into the world.

     Making no judgments about the past—which we cannot change—
we step toward the future with freedom to have (more) children or not.
Never before in history has this choice been available to us.
But the advent of reliable contraceptive measures makes it possible
for all of us to consider carefully our power to reproduce.
We will explore 30 reasons for having children and 10 against.

     Because the implications of having children are so long-lasting,
we should examine this option very carefully and thoughtfully.
We would not commit ourselves to a job lasting 15-20 years
or sign a contract that would cost us as much as a house
without first considering both the advantages and disadvantages.
Today, reproducing is a benefits/burdens decision
rather than a biological instinct or a social obligation.
But the benefits of having children are usually exaggerated beforehand
while most of the burdens are concealed—to be discovered later.
Prior to conception, our options are still wide open;
we can still do whatever we decide with our future.
But after conception, there is always 'someone else' to consider.

     Perhaps in the past we have had sex without considering pregnancy.
Probably half of all pregnancies in the United States were not planned.
And the percentage is higher in less 'advanced' parts of the world.
However, because the time between conception and birth is 9 months
—which allows a lot of thinking, planning, and changing of attitudes—
many unplanned pregnancies still result in wanted and loved children.

     But wouldn't it be better to think before each pregnancy?
If we want to plan our lives, why should we leave having children
—one of the most important events in our lives—to chance?
Perhaps we have assumed we will reproduce sometime and don't care when.
But have we considered adopting homeless children already alive?
And have we considered what purposes we would pursue
if we decided not to have (more) children?