Selected and reviewed
by James Park,
arranged by quality, beginning with the
best.
Red comments are the
opinions and evaluations of this reviewer.
1. Susan
Jeffers
I'm Okay You're a Brat:
Setting
the Priorities Straight
and
Freeing You from the Guilt and Mad Myths of Parenthood
(Los Angeles, CA:
Renaissance Books, 1999)
280 pages
(ISBN: 1-58063-139-8; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ755.8.J44
1999)
Susan Jeffers breaks
the
silence
about the downside of
parenthood.
The author herself is a successful mother,
but most of the wisdom contained in this
book
she has learned after the fact.
Because she wishes she had known these
facts beforehand,
she presents them for others to consider,
hoping that future parents will look
before they leap
into the 20-year commitment of parenthood.
This book decisively breaks the conspiracy
of silence,
which heretofore only presented motherhood
is glowing colors.
Non-parents know almost nothing of the
problems of parenthood
before they have children of their own.
These are some
of our precious life-values
we lose when we have children:
freedom, sleep, mobility, privacy, money,
career opportunities,
camaraderie, 'sanity', adulthood, self-esteem,
personal time, fun, relationships, &
peace of mind.
Each of these points is illustrated
from the real-life stories of other women.
Jeffers speaks
the unspeakable truth about kids:
Children are very needy creatures,
totally dependent on adults for everything.
The child-as-angel is only part of the
story.
Some children are very hard to cope with
because they are so selfish and demanding.
The teen years might be the hardest,
with teens declaring and acting out their
hatred of their parents.
Some children ruin their own lives
with drugs, alcohol, sex, & babies.
No matter how hard their parents try,
some children are more the products
of their peers and the mass media
than of values their parents attempted
to give them.
Susan Jeffers
asked people why they had children.
She discusses about 30 of these 'reasons'
—pointing out their inadequacies.
And she offers a 10-point test
to see if potential parents are really
ready
to accept the responsibilities of parenthood—for
better or worse.
Reasons for having a second child are
sometimes just as foolish
as the 'reasons' for having a first child.
Reasons for remaining
child-free are also explored,
which turn out to be much more reasonable
and persuasive.
But very few people have begun to consider
this option.
Parenthood was just automatic
after 'falling in love' and getting married.
If parents could
'rewind' their lives
to the point before
they had children
—still with the knowledge they have learned
as the result of being parents—
how many would decide not to
reproduce
—and therefore have very different lives?
This is a
courageous
book,
which can be read in whatever
depth you
wish.
You can dip into it at any chapter
that
speaks directly to you
in your current phase of life and
thinking.
And if you have not thought deeply
about the option of parenthood
before,
you will emerge from this book
with a radically different state
of mind.
And you might decide to reorganize
your
life-plans
to create a completely different
future
for yourself.
2.
Merle Bombardieri
The Baby Decision:
How
to Make the Most Important Decision of Your Life
(New York: Rawson, Wade Publishers, 1981) 307 pages
A
mother of two who
conducts Baby Decision Workshops
as part of her practice as a therapist
and family-life educator
explores the pros and cons of having
children.
In this well-balanced book, she discusses
the distortions and exaggerations of
these pros and cons
as presented by pro-natalists and anti-natalists.
Each issue is explored in depth
without
repetition.
This book contains many helpful
exercises
and questions.
It is realistic about both the
child-free
choice
and the choice to become a parent.
3.
Leslie Lafayette
Why Don't You Have Kids?
Living
a Full Life without Parenthood
(New York:
Kensington
Books, 1995) 296 pages
(ISBN:
0-8217-4853-X;
hardcover)
Library
of Congress
call number: HQ755.8.L34 1995)
Leslie Lafayette founded the Childfree Network in 1992.
It was
based on
her personal desire to be a mother,
which
she pursued
by hoping to adopt
an
unwanted baby
born to another woman.
She
was not married.
She
spent $8,000
in the process
and
finally decided
she did not really want a baby.
Chapter 2 of Why Don't You Have Kids?
explores
(with examples
from the lives of real people)
the
following 10
reasons for having children:
1.
contraceptive
failure, accidental pregnancy.
2. for
a man to
prove he is a man.
3.
conformity,
the expectations of other people.
4.
never considered
not doing it.
5. to
create grandchildren.
6. to
be taken
care of in old age.
7. the
biological
clock says it's time.
8. to
save the
marriage.
9.
immortality
thru reproduction.
10. as
a natural
extension of a committed relationship.
The
people who
admitted having children for these 'reasons'
regretted
such
thinking in retrospect.
Even
tho they often
loved and treasured their actual children,
they
would not
be induced to reproduce again
for such 'reasons'.
The author is definitely not
anti-child.
She taught high
school for 17 years,
devoting herself
to the lives of children
during some of
their most difficult years.
But now she devotes
herself to another unpopular task:
telling the truth
about parenthood.
4.
Terri Casey
Pride and Joy:
The Lives and Passions of Women Without Children
5.
David Benatar
Better Never to Have Been:
The Harm of Coming into Existence
(New York: Oxford University
Press, 2006) 237 pages
(ISBN: 0-19-929642-1; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: BD431.B3919 2006)
A philosophical exploration of the pros and
cons of being born.
Potential people who were never conceived and never born
have no rights or interests.
Before any specific DNA for a human being is created,
it cannot be harmed or benefited.
The argument is philosophical rather than practical.
David Benatar argues that it is always a harm to come into
existence.
People who like the title will be
the ones who read this book.
(New York: Crowell,
1974)
333 pages
A
comprehensive collection
of articles on the pressures
for child-bearing, the best one-volume
source. One article
explicitly addresses the notion of the
'maternal instinct':
"Motherhood: Need or Myth" by Betty Rollin
(p. 147-158).
7.
Shirley L. Radl
Mother's Day is Over
(New York: Charterhouse, 1973) 234 pages
Motherhood demythologized
by a mother of two.
Based on interviews with about 200 mothers.
This book should be read by all
women
who are romantic about motherhood
—to see what it is really like—
and by all mothers who feel guilty
about being terrible mothers.
8.
Ellen Peck
The
Baby Trap
(New York: Bernard Geis, 1971) 245 pages
A
very good book by
a militant non-mother, giving all the arguments.
9.
Elizabeth M. Whelan
A Baby?...Maybe:
A
Guide to Making the Most Fateful Decision of Your Life
(New York:
Bobbs-Merrill, 1975)
237 pages
An
honest and intelligent
examination of the pros and cons
of deciding whether or not to have children,
including personal comments from interviews
with both parents and non-parents.
Well-balanced.
10.
Jessie Bernard
The Future of Motherhood
(New York: Dial Press, 1974) 426 pages
Motherhood from a sociological
point of view.
Realistic; well documented; well
written.
11.
Ellen Peck & Dr.
William Granzig
The Parent Test
(New York: Putnam, 1978) 350 pages
This
book consists
of 6 questionnaires with almost 500 detailed
questions concerning attitudes and aptitudes
for parenting.
Very useful help for those who want some
stimulus
for examining the option of child-rearing.
The questions have been tested
on successful and unsuccessful parents.
After each questionnaire, the authors
explore the issues involved.
The book does not take a stand for or
against parenthood,
but it does deal with a great number
of child-rearing situations
that might not have been considered by
potential parents.
12.
Jill Bialosky &
Helen Schulman, editors
Wanting
a Child
(New York: Farrar,
Straus, & Giroux,
1998) 274 pages
(ISBN: 0-374-28634-5; hardback)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ755.8.W367
1998)
This book is
worth reading for the sheer beauty of the writing.
This collection consists of several first-person
accounts
of the experiences that emerged from
wanting a child.
The two editors both had several miscarriages
before they finally achieved motherhood.
Here are some of the stories, summarized
in one line each:
Lesbian parenthood by donated sperm.
Parenthood by donated egg.
Several stories of adoption, foreign
and domestic.
Stories of how a child with very serious
health problems
make happy parents miserable.
Buying a baby from a pregnant teen-ager.
Connecting with a child given up for
adoption years before.
Deciding about a Downs syndrome fetus.
Two gay men have children by a surrogate
mother.
Divorced mother happy to have her only
child.
Two gay men adopt a baby.
Stories of still-born babies.
Once again, you
will appreciate reading these stories
not because of their content (which is
often very dramatic)
but because of the high quality of the
writing.
Whatever we think about the events described,
this book is a delight to read.
However, not
one of the persons represented in this book
ever wonders why people have children.
Wanting a child is assumed to be a valid
desire,
which needs no justification at all.
After reading
this book, you may conclude
that adoption is the most reasonable
parental behavior.
Millions of babies are born by accident
to teen-age mothers all around the world.
When accidental mothers cannot raise
their children,
these babies should be adopted by adults
who can give the children a good life.
Usually these babies are physically healthy,
but because of the social conditions
into which they are born,
they will have miserable lives unless
they are adopted.
Several stories
in this collection tell of the lengths
some people pursued in order to
adopt
their children.
We need better ways to bring
together
the needy children of the world
with the adults who can be good
parents
for them.
13.
Anne-Marie Ambert
The
Effect of Children on Parents
(New York: Haworth
Press, 1992)
308 pages
(ISBN: 1-56024-117-9; hardcover)
(ISBN: 1-56024-118-7; paperback)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ755.8.A47
1991)
A careful documentation
of the negative effects
of children on parents
—based on printed sources
and some original research with college
students.
Children affect their parents in the
following areas:
health; housing and living space; employment
patterns;
economic burdens; changed relationship
with spouse;
life-plans; sense of control over life.
Special problems receive separate chapters:
juvenile delinquency;
children's emotional problems;
the family
of divorce;
children with severe chronic illnesses;
PMS and motherhood;
racial identity problems from 'mixed'
marriages;
grown children who blame their parents
for their problems.
This is one of
the few books
examining the negative impacts of having
children.
14.
Anna & Arnold
Silverman
The
Case Against Having Children
(New York: McKay, 1971) 212 pages
A
child-free couple
marshals all the arguments
against the decision to reproduce.
The first chapter is "The Myth of the
Maternal Instinct".
15. J.
E. Veevers
Childless by Choice
(Toronto: Gage
Educational Publishers,
1975)
(Toronto: Butterworth, 1980)
220 pages
Based on interviews
with voluntarily childless couples.
A comprehensive and open-minded book,
neither pro-natalist nor anti-natalist.
The themes include:
social, family, and physician pressures
to have children;
postponing children
becomes a decision
never to have children;
the inter-couple process of deciding
not to have children;
reasons for and against a "family" without
children;
maintaining a variant world-view and
life-style.
16.
Marian Faux
Childless by Choice
(Garden City, NY: Doubleday, 1984) 196 pages
A
review of many of
the factors that go into a woman's choice
whether or not to have children.
Based on published materials and some
interviews.
The free-lance author has no
particular
ax to grind.
17.
Edward Pohlman
How to Kill Population
(Philadelphia: Westminster, 1971) 169 pages
A
well-reasoned and
well-documented
argument for population control.
Very readable.
18.
Paul Ehrlich
The Population Bomb
(New York: Ballantine, 1968 and later editions) 223 pages
A
classic source of
thinking about over-population.
19.
Martha Kent Willing
Beyond
Conception:
Our Children's Children
(Boston: Gambit, 1971) 241 pages
A
passionate, intelligent
plea for population control.
The author encourages the personal decision
to stop at two children
and proposes public policies to limit
family size.
20.
Sharryl Hawke &
David Knox
One Child by Choice
(Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1977) 233 pages
An
intelligent examination
of being an "only child".
The book explodes many widely-held myths
and presents some positive advantages
of stopping at one child.
When I started reading this book,
I too believed many of the myths
about
the single child.
Now I have been enlightened and
recommend
this volume
to everyone who has only one child
so
far
and might be considering having
another
one.
21.
Edward Pohlman
The Psychology of Birth Planning
(Cambridge, MA: Schenkman, 1969) 496 pages
Definitive, technical.
22.
Stephanie Dowrick
& Sibyl Grundberg, editors
Why
Children?
(New York: Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich, 1980)
Eighteen female writers
tell their very individual stories
about having children or deciding not
to have children.
This book was first published by a feminist
press in London,
where the women live.
Altho the stories cannot easily be generalized,
because these are such unusual women,
the book can help other women (and men)
to think deeply about their reproductive
decisions.
23.
Kate Harper
The Childfree Alternative
(Brattleboro, VT: Stephen Green Press, 1980) 177 pages
Based on interviews
with 10 couples and individuals
who have decided to remain child-free.
They explain their own life-histories
and their reasons for not having children.
24.
Nancy Chodorow
The Reproduction of Mothering:
Psychoanalysis
and the Sociology of Gender
(Berkeley, CA: U of California Press, 1978) 263 pages
A
highly technical
study
of how girls are conditioned to become
mothers.
Why women want children—from a Freudian
perspective.
25.
Group for the Advancement
of Psychiatry
The
Joys and Sorrows of Parenthood
(New York: Scribners, 1973) 159 pages
A
book about parenting
in all its dimensions,
summarizing the widely-held views of
its time.
It has more about the problems than the
fulfillments,
but it is a sound treatment of many dimensions
of parenting.
This book suffers from blandness and
middle-of-the-road-ness
because it was written by a
committee.
26.
Laurie Lisle
Without Child:
Challenging
the Stigma of Childlessness
(New York: Ballantine Books, 1996) 273 pages
The
author's personal
struggles with the decision;
historical examples of other non-mothers.
The author does not systematically
examine
the reasons
for
and against having children.
But this book could add some depth
for a reader who has read other
books about parenthood.
[last].
James Park
Why Have (More) Children?
Why Have (More) Children? divides the exploration into:
couples' reasons; women's reasons; men's
reasons;
and reasons for not having children.
The
table of contents
will appear on your screen
if you click these blue words:
Why
Have (More) Children?
You will also see the first page of the
text.
Click here to
see
a list of all the chapters of
New
Ways of Loving:
How
Authenticity Transforms Relationships.
Visit the excellent
website of the
Childfree
Association
Here you will find lots more books and
links to examine.
Return to the beginning of the LOVE page.
If you would like to
see other book reviews
by James Park,
go to the Book
Review Index
.
Here you will find about 350 books reviewed
in about 60 bibliographies.
Go to
the beginning of this website
James
Leonard Park—Free
Library