Growing in Love:

21 Ways to Become

Less Dependent & More Authentic

by James Leonard Park

Dependent 3. I want to be dominant.

     _____ gives me problems all the time, but I put her back in line.
It is important for me to keep _____ on her toes,
paying attention to what I need.
I can achieve this by hurting and disappointing her occasionally.
I find that a bit of mental, emotional, or physical discipline
from time to time makes _____ more attached to me.
It is like training a dog: 
First you must establish that both know who is in charge.


Authentic 3. We create our relationship in mutual respect.

     We have abandoned all dominance and submission games.
We cooperate by mutual agreement, neither dominating the relationship.
When we both want to do something together, we do it.
And we can go our separate ways without feeling bad.
We respect each other's judgments in deciding what to do together.
We express our wishes without manipulating each other.
We say openly and honestly what we want and would appreciate.
We have leaned how to invite without demanding.
Loving invitations can easily be turned down without feelings of guilt.
We freely give ourselves when that seems good to both of us.
And we don't feel bad when we want to be separate and alone.

Dependent 4. I have a terrible fear of losing my beloved.

     Whenever I even think of _____ with someone else,
I get terrified because _____ might like someone else better than me.
The end of our relationship would be very traumatic for me.
In my worst moments, at least, I feel the desperate need to cling to _____.
Every hint of impending change, strikes terror into my heart.
Even tho we have lots of problems and suffering, I can't let go of _____.
An irrational force binds us together:
Perhaps it is my deep fear of abandonment
(which could be based on an early loss of a parent or other significant person).
Maybe the fear of being left alone glues me to the one I love,
more than my decision to love.
Even tho I am frequently disappointed by _____,
I cling to ethereal hopes and dreams for this relationship
because I fear rejection and the loss of love
more than anything else.
I just cannot let go, because the grief
from the loss of my relationship would be intolerable.


Authentic 4. We no longer fear the end of our relationship.

     But as we grow more whole and secure within ourselves,
we discover that we can be much more calm and happy
when we contemplate the possible end of our loving relationship.
We realize that death will end it—if nothing else does first.
And we can even imagine positive changes in either of our lives
that would make it best to end—or radically alter—our relationship.
Because our relationship is not the core of our personal identities
—or the central meaning of either of our lives—
we can think of ourselves as happy without this relationship.
We are willing and able to consider the pros and cons
of making deep changes in our relationship,
some of which would amount to closing this chapter of our lives.
This does not mean that we have no feelings about such an ending.
But we can consider significant change without panic.

5

Dependent 5. I anxiously seek signs of love's collapse—and cling to them.

     For me, love seems precarious, always on the verge of disappearing.
I listen very carefully to everything _____ says, to catch a sign.
I pay close attention to everything _____ does, watching for doom.
I easily take offense at a single word or sentence with a negative tone.
And sometimes it is only his/her tone of voice that tells me it's over.
For some reason, I am expecting love to collapse.
Every harsh word marks the beginning of the end:
"You said such-and-such, therefore you don't love me anymore."
I do not ask for clarification of the offending comment.
I am certain it is the death-knell of my relationship.
Even if _____ denies my interpretation of the comment,
I am certain I know what _____ really meant.
I permit no modifications or clarifications.
Whatever _____ said first becomes fixed in my mind.
I sometimes spend hours working out the deep meanings of these signs.
Sometimes, _____ completely forgets the comment!
I cling to every possible negative sign.
_____ is secretly planning to leave me; and it comes out indirectly.
These off-hand but deeply revealing comments show that our relationship
has been a fabric of lies and deception from the start.
When I am feeling bad, my mind clings to the worst possible interpretation
of an ambiguous comment or action or tone of voice rather than the best.
When my mind starts working in this way,
I suddenly remember earlier signs of impending doom.
But I notice that I don't usually go into a search-for-the-dirt pattern
among the off-hand comments of colleagues at work or family members.
Only in love am I compelled to look for the fatal flaw in my relationship
that confirms my worst fears that I will be abandoned and left alone.
In other relationships, I can accept and discuss negative comments
—contradicting them when appropriate—
and then lay them to rest.
I can even learn from negative feedback from other.
But the negative comments of my beloved are etched in my brain forever.

                                                        
Authentic 5. We can share negative comments constructively.

     Even if we went thru a period of worrying about the collapse of love,
some years later we are able to communicate more calmly and positively.
We have graduated from the possessive, anxious feelings
that used to generate so much heat—but little light—in our conversations.
We have learned the skills of listening to what we say to each other
—and allowing for detailed clarifications
of what first seemed a negative comment.
We no longer over-react to intimations of negative feelings.
And if we discover that we were mistaken in our first interpretation,
we willingly abandon that thought,
allowing the other to define what he/she really meant to say.

     When there are genuine problems in our relationship,
we can face them calmly and constructively.
Our communication enables us to solve our problems:
Our problems do not become worse when we talk about them.
In the old mode—watching for the collapse of love—
we were reluctant to share criticisms
because we feared a major blow-up in our relationship.
Our relationship was precarious, teetering on the brink of the abyss.
It seemed that anything could push it over the edge.
But now, bringing up problems is not a major risk.
Once we have a history of discussing and resolving problems,
we are confident that we can solve problems in the future.
Having issues to discuss does not mean that our relationship is ending.
We have developed meaningful and balanced ways
to improve our relationship.

Dependent 6. I fear change, risk, and the unknown.


     I try not to "rock the boat"
because any upset might cause _____ to abandon me.
Whenever _____ suggests that we have some problems to discuss,
I get a tight feeling in my stomach because I fear
_____ is going to suggest some radical change in our relationship.
I hope _____ has not been planning to make changes behind my back.
But I often fear that something unexpected is brewing.
It especially frightens me when _____ gets involved with new people
because I fear that I might be replaced by somebody better.
Whenever _____ suggests a new idea for our relationship, I panic.
I do not want to lose what I have worked so hard to create.

Authentic 6. We enjoy growth, exploration, and experimentation.

     As we gain more power to transcend our enculturation,
we delight in new possibilities for our relationship.
We like the prospect of trying new experiments.
We realize that we won't know
if different ways of relating might be better unless we try them.
As we become more purposeful in other dimensions of our lives,
we discover that we are more secure within ourselves.
Individually we have the internal strength to face change.
Our relationship no longer seems like a fragile piece of blown-glass,
which could easily be broken or destroyed if touched or moved.
As we learn the benefits of re-designing ourselves individually,
we naturally consider new possibilities for our relationship.
Shaking things up and changing old patterns is no longer a threat.
The unknown and unknowable future does not frighten us.
We can even consider the possibility that at this time next year
we might no longer have a relationship.
We can picture ourselves getting along quite well without each other.
This opens us to the option of taking the growth choices
rather than always sticking to the safe choices.
The unknown future beckons us rather than threatens us.

Dependent 7. My personal growth has stopped.

     Since I entered my settled relationship with _____,
I have not grown very much within myself.
Maybe I put so much energy into my relationship
that I have little time left for personal growth.
But my relationship provides me with so much protective security
that I have no need to try new things.
Being with _____ is so much easier than being by myself.

     If I have only myself to consider, I might be more adventuresome.
I used to do things on the spur of the moment, when the spirit moved me.
But now I have a stable pattern in my relationship with _____.
However, sometimes I resent this relationship
because it has prevented me from growing as I otherwise would.
When I feel an impetus to change, I think about my relationship.
If and when this relationship ends,
I expect to enter another phase of personal growth,
perhaps including new and better loving relationships.
I feel that I have limited myself by continuing this relationship.


Authentic 7. We stimulate each other to continue growing.

     As we reinvent ourselves more fully,
becoming more completely the persons we want to be,
we also create new forms for our loving relationship.
Instead of holding us back, our relationship stimulates us
to develop new sides of ourselves.
The old, dependent relationship kept us in safe harbor,
where we never had to face new challenges.
But as we become more self-creating and autonomous,
we challenge each other to take new risks
and to try new ways to actualize our comprehensive life-goals.
Our creative relationship brings us into contact with new people.
New ideas stimulate us to grow and develop in new directions,
to try new ways of being we could not have imagined beforehand.

Dependent 8. I don't really feel close to the one I 'love'.

     I have noticed that I can't really share myself with _____
because some things about me might threaten the relationship.
I can name a few things I would like to share,
but whenever I even get close to talking about them,
bad feelings warn me away from opening up that dimension.
I have a collection of issues I cannot discuss
or which are 'on hold' for discussion at a later time.
I sometimes fear that I will have
such a backlog of undiscussed problems
that it would be easier to start a new relationship
than to fix this one.
Sometimes I suspect that our 'closeness'
is mainly emotional and/or sexual.
We don't really have much in common as persons.

Authentic 8. We experience deep sharing on many levels.

     As we individually mature, we become complete within ourselves.
And this wholeness makes us less satisfied with superficial relationships.
So we have moved toward sharing ourselves more fully and honestly.
This deeper intimacy has some risks
such as discovering that we disagree about some basic values.
But sometimes we discover a dimension of sharing
that neither of us could have guessed would be possible.
If we do discover that we have little in common at the deepest levels,
then we are willing to face that fact
and either do something to bring ourselves closer together
or acknowledge that we are moving in fundamentally different directions
—with the inevitable result that we will have less to share in the future.
Becoming more intimate as persons
means being more honest even about the difficult issues.
We do not need to face them all at once,
but as we develop our abilities to communicate,
we create deeper levels of sharing.
We enrich ourselves and each other by becoming ever more open.

Dependent 9. My love-life is filled with tumult and melodrama.

     My life with _____ seems filled with psychological games.
I have some strong ideas about how love ought to be.
But _____ does not cooperate.
_____ does not play the right part.
I get angry and frustrated because things don't go as planned.
We have crises because of incompatible models of loving.
I frequently find myself shedding tears and raising my voice. 
And if I were to tell _____ everything I think about him/her at one sitting,
there would be a major blow-up.
Usually these times of crisis are based on something _____ has done.
I wonder sometimes if I really like such cleansing scenes.
At least I know that I am feeling something.
But it might seems too close to a television soap opera.

Authentic 9. We have productive and calm communication.

     As we begin to recognize and articulate the love-stories
each of us has been trying to follow and impose on the other,
we can step out of the stereotyped characters we have been playing
and become our real selves with each other.
We can take off our masks and abandon the roles
that used to lead us into re-runs of our home-made soap opera.
The conventional feelings of love we learned from popular culture
have been running our love-lives long enough.
Rather than continuing to squeeze ourselves
into one of these pre-fabricated love-stories,
we create our own unique relationship
—based on the new persons we are becoming.
As we reorganize our lives in more focused and integrated ways,
we create a unique relationship that suits us both well.
As we re-invent ourselves, we depart from the old melodramas
and begin to write our own original script together.

Dependent 10. I 'give' in order to get a fair return.

     I believe love should be an equal exchange:
I give something to _____ and _____ gives something to me.
It does not seem unreasonable to expect certain things from _____.
I have made a lot of sacrifices for _____.
And sometimes I need to look out for myself.
I may have been giving up, giving in, and losing myself.
When that happens, I feel drained and cheated.
When do I get my fair share?
I would like to establish a better balance with _____.
For all the things I have been giving _____,
I want to receive an equal return.
When I get back as much as I put in, the arrangement is fair.

Authentic 10. We give freely and lovingly to each other
—without expecting anything in return.

     As we become more self-creating persons,
we become more full and whole within our individual beings.
We are better able to satisfy our own needs,
such as our needs for security and self-respect.
And because we are more complete within ourselves,
we no longer use our relationship as a means of getting something.
Precisely because we now stand more firmly on our own feet,
we no longer need to lean on each other.
It becomes easier to give without expecting a 'fair return'.
It might once have seemed impossible that anyone would give
without considering "what's in it for me",
but we have discovered how to give easily, without demands.
Now our relationship is much better: 
We give to each other rather than trying to manipulate the other
to get whatever we want or need.
We are no longer dependent on each other;
we give freely from our fullness.

Dependent 11. I demand and expect unconditional love.


     When it comes to love, I am an all-or-nothing person.
I dislike half-way or part-time love.
If _____ starts to set limits or withdraw from total commitment,
then I might as well forget him/her.
I am ready to give total devotion in return.
But I will not love unless I get a 100% love from the other side.
Unconditional love means we will stick together thru thick and thin,
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc.
I know that sometimes I am less than ideal as a person to love,
but I want someone who will accept me back no matter how I fail.
I get angry and hurt when I sense the withdrawal of love.
I believe I have a basic right to be loved by _____.
And when I don't get complete love, I feel cheated.

Authentic 11. We can give and accept love as a gift.

     As we become less needy, dependent, & demanding,
we come to appreciate our relationship for whatever it is.
We let love surprise us, rather than making demands.
We no longer try to force our relationship
to be whatever we originally thought love was supposed to be.
Instead of focusing on our preconceived vision of love,
we appreciate our specific relationship in its emergent dimensions.
Freely we give of ourselves to each other;
and freely we accept the love each extends to the other.
We have become more relaxed about our relationship.
Our unrealistic or impossible expectations
have been replaced by open and genuine sharing.
When we stopped reaching out to grasp 'love',
we found that our unique relationship emerged.
As we have learned to accept ourselves with all our faults,
we have become open to whatever good things emerge between us.
Love has become a gift rather than a demand.
And the commitment that arises from giving and receiving love
arises freely from within each of us.
This commitment is not in response to the other's demand
but a commitment we freely extend to each other.
As independent persons, moving toward greater Authenticity,
we define for ourselves the exact meanings of our commitments.

Dependent 12. I attempt to change my beloved.

     I knew _____ was not an ideal match for me from the start,
but I had plans to change him/her into a better person,
so that we would have a wonderful relationship—fulfilling my dream.
Thus, it is natural that I criticize _____ more than I question myself.
He/she does not measure up to my original hopes and expectations.
At first I thought changing him/her would be easier.
But now I see that _____ needs improvement more than I initially thought.
In fact, I think I will start a list of the ways _____ needs to improve.
With each change accomplished, this relationship will be better.

Authentic 12. We accept each other as we are.

     When we were still playing the game-of-love by the conventional rules,
we might have disappointed each other by not playing fair.
Each of us might have felt that the other was not following the script.
But as we moved away from the roles written by popular culture,
and as we created ourselves more clearly as autonomous persons,
we have come to accept each other more fully as we really are.
We have found meaningful and interesting ways to relate
without either of us giving up anything or changing to be a 'better partner'.
We have learned to acknowledge—even enjoy—our differences.
Like two trees growing side by side,
we do best when we no longer try to change the other tree.
Rather, as our roots intertwine,
we grow them around the other roots
—and around the rocks and hard soil we might encounter.
We adapt to the other and to reality as we find it.
But we do not need to change our individual natures
in order to become a loving pair.
Of course, both of us will change for our own internal reasons.
But we will not reshape ourselves primarily to suit the other.
In the fullness of love, we can accept each other as we are.

Dependent 13. I need my beloved to complete me.

     All by myself, I do not feel that I am a whole person.
I need _____ to fill out my being, to make me feel secure.
When we are together—especially in public—I feel more real.
When people see us together as a couple,
they know I am a valid person, rather than someone who is alone.
And when I must be alone, I feel incomplete, off-balance.
When we are separated,
I think only of getting back together again.
We form such a comfortable social
and interpersonal unit that I get emotional
(perhaps even violent) when I think of losing him/her.
Without my beloved, I feel shaky and insubstantial.

Authentic 13. We are whole and complete within ourselves.

     Perhaps we used to feel we were "nobody until somebody loved us",
but as we reorganize our selves around our own purposes,
we no longer seek completion in each other.
As we become more whole persons, love is transformed:
Now we can love from the fullness we already have
rather than because we feel empty and needy.
Perhaps we used to think we were 'loving'
when we felt desperate for each other.
But now we understand that such 'love' was based on the needs
we brought with us into the relationship.
As we have outgrown or satisfied these immature needs,
we have come to appreciate loving on a firmer basis:
We can now love as emerging, whole, independent persons.

Dependent 14. I expect my beloved to solve all my problems.

     Whenever I am struck by problems—of whatever sort —
I think first that _____ will be able to solve them for me.
Whenever I am upset, I think of going to _____ for comfort.
Sometimes I feel an overwhelming need to be with _____.
No one else will do .
No one else can help me with this feeling or problem.
Whenever I have emergencies (emotional or practical),
_____ is the first person to come to mind to solve them.
I need _____'s support all the time.
No one else can make me feel safe and happy.
And I don't really feel good about myself all alone.
Sometimes I wonder if I would be able to survive without _____.


Authentic 14. We solve our own problems, with help if needed.

     As we reorganize ourselves around our own meanings and goals,
we learn that we can solve most of our own problems by ourselves.
We no longer need to lean on each other—as if we could not stand alone.
We certainly continue to support each other thru difficult times.
But basically we have become self-sufficient persons.
And our relationship is no longer a problem-solving partnership.
This has enabled us to focus more clearly
on positive and creative dimensions of our relationship.
Even if we have personal problems that are not immediately resolved,
we have learned to work around them
instead of making them the central focus of our relationship.
We have become more accepting of each other's peculiarities
—without trying to fix them.
And we no longer strive to be some kind of 'ideal couple'.
We can enjoy our differences because we have given up
trying to make each other fit into a pre-existing script.
As we develop ourselves internally, we can solve our own problems.
And this leaves us much more freedom to love.

Dependent 15. I protest loudly, "I don't need you!"

     Sometimes I find myself desperately claiming not to need love.
This feels like a child wanting to run away from home
but being unable to do so because he or she is still dependent.
"I was fine before I met you!"
suggests that I am caught somehow.
Experience has taught me that "commitment"
always gets me into relationships I later regret.
I have decided never to 'need' anyone again.
I did not like the hold my parents held over me when I was a child.
They knew that I needed them; therefore they could manipulate me.
So I have resolved to resist any such feelings happening again.
Talk of "commitment" makes me run the other way.
When you ask for "commitment", it means you want to control me.
Because I know how easily I can slip into a dependent relationship,
I must remind myself constantly to stay away from entanglements.
I have seen what "commitment" has meant to some other couples:
It meant they had a right to strangle each other.
If I say, "I don't need you!" loudly enough,
perhaps it will become true.

Authentic 15. We are comfortable, independent, & self-possessed
—and have a non-manipulative relationship.

     As we become more self-possessed and more secure within ourselves,
we no longer need to affirm our independence so loudly
—like a child shouting "no!" when it knows it must comply anyway.
In our new relationship, it is no longer necessary to say
"you can't manipulate me", because such games have disappeared.
Power games have been replaced by freely-given love.
We have become more free and independent persons.
And in this phase of our lives,
we choose to share some important dimensions of our selves.
We understand and respect each other's boundaries and limits
—no longer trying to force each other to change.
Nevertheless, we freely commit ourselves to each other.

Dependent 16. I gain my worth and value thru my beloved.

     All by myself, I feel worthless and insignificant.
But when _____ loves me, I become a good person again.
When a relationship ends, I feel like a complete failure.
No one will ever love me again.
So I feel a need to find other people
as soon as possible after the end of an affair.
I have some sense of self-esteem, but it doesn't count for much.
But when _____ loves me and gives me positive feedback,
then I feel good about myself as never before.
All by myself, I am an insignificant person.
If other people see no value in me, I wonder if I really have any value.
But when I am loved by _____, I know that my life has meaning.
When I am all by myself and no one will ever know how I spent this hour,
it does not matter to me how I spent it either.
I feel more real in my relationship with _____.
The two of us together seem to add up to more than we could separately.
I do sometimes feel good about myself,
but I like my sense of self even more when _____ appreciates me too.
I feel hollow and empty when I have no loving relationship.
But when _____ loves me, I really exist.

Authentic 16. We have created value and worth within ourselves;
and love emerges from our self-esteem.

     Thru a long process of growth, we have re-created our selves.
We have become persons who can affirm ourselves
—without necessarily being approved by others.
We have taken charge of our own destinies.
We have re-designed ourselves from whatever we originally were
into the persons we now freely choose to be.
And our loving relationship emerges from our self-esteem.
We no longer need to build ourselves up by making others love us.
We are valid and worthy person in and of ourselves.
Our loving relationship has emerged between us
because we appreciate each other for who we have become.
We no longer need to force ourselves on others
—attempting to sell ourselves to them—in order to value ourselves.
Even if others do not fully understand us,
we will continue to value ourselves
and continue to pursue our ultimate concerns.
No longer do we contort ourselves in order to make others love us.
We are deeply ourselves, focused around our projects-of-being.
If others love us, good. 
If not, we can wait to be appreciated for who we really are.
As we come to love and value ourselves more deeply,
we have less need for the recognition and support of others. 
We still do appreciate whatever affirmation comes our way.
But now it comes not because we sought others to affirm us
but because others noticed us for who we already were.
Our self-esteem means that we no longer need love in the old way. 
We now love on the basis of who we have already become
—and will continue to become.

Dependent 17. I worry that I will be abandoned by my beloved.

     I know it is not entirely rational, but I fear being abandoned by _____.
My irrational fear of abandonment may arise from feeling abandoned as a child.
Perhaps a parent died suddenly or went away for occupational reasons;
maybe my father ran away with his lover,
went to prison, or was hospitalized.
I might have been too young to understand why I was abandoned,
but it left me with an irrational fear that "people you love will leave you".
This fear has carried over into my adult relationships.
When _____ leaves, I get the feeling I will never see him/her again.
I have worries and dreams that _____ will be killed and lost to me forever.
I sometimes feel an urge to check on _____ at odd times
because I have a feeling something terrible has happened to him/her.
I need to know where _____ is at all times.
I suspect that _____ is making plans to leave me when the time seems right.
I want to establish a tie between us that will be impossible to break.
I find it hard to say good-bye, because I sense I will never see _____ again.
Sometimes I wonder if I just disappear from _____'s mind when we are apart.
Do I cease to exist for him/her when I can no longer be seen?
Out of sight, out of mind?
Perhaps in part because of this fear of abandonment,
I want us to be together as much as possible.
I may call him/her several times a day, just to make sure he/she is real.
And when I cannot get thru, I panic, imagining terrible catastrophes.
Perhaps _____ has been killed or found another woman/man.
Sometimes I need to look at _____ and touch him/her
just to make sure that my beloved is not a mirage!
I can’t face the world without _____.


Authentic 17. We can be separate
because we basically trust ourselves and each other.

     As we become more autonomous and self-creating,
the irrational fear of abandonment disappears without any special effort.
Our loving relationship no longer teeters on the brink of disaster.
When we are absent from each other
—even without explanation—we no longer panic. 
Being apart does not cause an emotional crisis.
Past experience has shown there is always a reasonable explanation.
And in due course this absence will be explained.
Because our security does not come exclusively from our relationship,
we are no longer shaken by the thought of absence from each other
—either for a long time or perhaps even permanently.
And as this basic trust in ourselves develops,
we have come to appreciate solitude more.
Such times no longer feel empty (because of someone's absence)
but full (because we enjoy doing many meaningful things by ourselves).

Dependent 18. I am preoccupied by negative feelings from the past.

     I now see that a lot of my past relationships were not good for me.
In part, they failed because my deficiency-needs were speaking louder
than the actual experience of loving.
In other words, I remember mostly that I was not getting what I wanted.
Even years later, I find myself going over those negative times.
I seem to cling to bad memories because I was terrified at those times.
The traumas left indelible impressions on my psyche.
Perhaps because I was driven by my basic need to be loved,
my most vivid memories are of the times when love failed.
I know there must have been good times also,
but the good experiences left weaker impressions in my memory.
Especially concerning relationships now long past,
I remember only the bad parts.

     But even in on-going relationships,
I seem stuck on the negative events from the past.
Scenes of trouble and trauma keep coming back to mind.
Whenever I think of a specific time in our relationship
—perhaps a Christmas, a birthday, or an anniversary—
I remember the difficulties much more than the happiness.
My memory seems to be organized around negative feelings.
Sometimes I get flash-backs to the bad old days
even when, objectively speaking, there is no reason to remember them.
I am hung up on negative feelings from the past.

Authentic 18. We can realistically evaluate our relationship.

     When we outgrow the psychological need to cling to bad memories,
the past stops playing tricks on us.
As we move beyond our dependency-needs,
the old stories stop repeating.
Our past together now appears in a more realistic perspective.
We remember the good times alongside the bad.
And neither part of our past seems distorted.
When our memories no longer serve our dependent feelings and needs,
we can let go of the stories we used to treasure
because they showed how good I was
—and how wronged by my 'beloved'.

     We have entered a calm period of our lives—and our relationship.
We have less reason to cling to past memories.
We can let them slip away as childhood toys we no longer need.
Perhaps after we have gained some useful insights
into ourselves, we can let go of the past—whatever it was.
We have turned our attention to the present, where we really live.
The difficulties caused by dependency no longer occur.
We no longer cling to each other desperately.
We can express our present discomforts and confusions
long before they grow into major problems.
We can discuss the good and the bad in our relationship
—without exaggerating either.

Dependent 19. I have a passion for closeness—and a fear of it.

     I want to be near _____ because he/she makes me feel so good.
And yet, getting too close makes me feel dependent.
Sometimes I want to devour _____.
But I fear closeness because I worry about being swallowed up.
Perhaps if I were not driven by my dependency-needs,
I could be happy with whatever closeness emerges.
I seem to vacillate between two extremes:
One moment I have an overwhelming desire to be close to _____.
But when that closeness really begins to happen,
I get itchy feet and desire only to flee.
Sometimes I feel miserable when I am with _____.
And sometimes I feel miserable when I am without _____.
Perhaps this is caused by my dependency.
My 'need for love' leads me to desire closeness.
But when I get close,
I am reminded that closeness produces suffering.

Authentic 19. We accept and appreciate
whatever closeness emerges in our relationship.

     The approach/avoidance syndrome has been replaced
by a calm acceptance of whatever happens in our relationship.
The old myths, dreams, & expectations have been left behind.
We are no longer driven to make something happen in our relationship.
We are open to each other as we really are—warts and all.
Nothing needs to be forced.
And neither of us is disappointed in the other,
because we have learned how to love without expectations.
We know what we like in our relationship;
and we can appreciate these things when they come.
But we no longer search for the fantasy of impossible closeness.
We have discovered how to be quite happy by ourselves.
And our independence makes our relationship even better.

Dependent 20. I take care of the feelings of my beloved.

     I want _____ to feel good. 
This seems natural, since I love him/her.
Therefore I behave in the ways I hope will make _____ happy.
Sometimes I care so much about _____'s feelings
that I ignore my own feelings.
Perhaps I as so worried that our relationship might end
that I always put _____'s feelings ahead my own.
I try to guess _____'s moods and make him/her feel better.
Making my beloved feel good is the main purpose of this relationship.

Authentic 20. We take care of our own feelings.

     As we become more responsible for ourselves,
we stop taking each other's emotional pulse
and take charge of our own lives—and our own feelings.
Because we have better communication,
it is no longer necessary to take care of each other's feelings.
We no longer try to guess every problem in advance
so that we can head off any crisis that might arise.
We pay attention to our own feelings
and express them openly and honestly with each other.
Because our relationship is no longer on a hair-trigger,
we have stopped worrying that any expression of negative feelings
will result in a major blow-up.
We both realize that thoughts and feelings
must be expressed before we can expect
the other person to understand them.
And we do not ignore these feelings once they are expressed.
Such expressions enable us to respond appropriately.
Never again will unexpressed feelings take over our relationship.
We have learned how to share our feelings
in ways that make our relationship better rather than worse.
We take care of our own feelings
—and express them when appropriate.
And we respond to each other's feelings lovingly.

Dependent 21. I try to control my beloved.

     I do not always recognize my desire to control,
but when I see clearly how I operate in relationships,
I must acknowledge that I sometimes confuse love with control.
When I love _____, I want him/her to fit my script.
I might not exercise blatant power over him/her,
but I know what I want—and how to get it.
Sometimes it is necessary for me to throw a scene
in order to turn _____ into a more compliant and 'loving' partner.
But this is all for the good of the relationship.
Sometimes I have to remind _____ that he/she loves me.
Other times I must remind _____ of certain religious, moral,
or philosophical principles he/she claims to believe in.
For example, _____ sometimes needs to be reminded that we are married.
From this fact derive a number of obligations he/she might have 'forgotten'.
I have many ways—subtle and overt—to manipulate _____.


Authentic 21. We have replaced power-plays by loving in freedom.

     As trust replaces control in our relationship,
we easily leave the old power-games behind.
We no longer need to manipulate each other.
We have learned how to invite without demanding,
how to express our wishes openly
but without putting in the twist previously needed to assure results.
It is essential to know each other's wishes and preferences. 
Without this information, we cannot make wise collective decisions.
But we can now share our wishes without the intent of getting our own way.
We let our true preferences be known without using such times
as opportunities for making things happen
according to our own vision of how this relationship should progress.
We have actually come to appreciate each other's freedom and openness.
When we were still in the manipulative phase of our relationship,
we never knew the true intent of a comment or request.
Now we no longer imprisoning each other in 'love'.
Freedom is our general theme in everything.
We love in the ways that enhance our independence
and enable us to become more Authentic. 

Outline published on the Internet 1998.
Complete book published on the Internet September 28, 2013;
revised 8-24-2014; 8-28-2014; 1-28-2015; 7-25-2018; 1-21-2020;

Scoring

    If you kept a tally of where each relationship falls
on the spectrum from dependent to Authentic,
as explained in the Introduction,
you can add up your totals to evaluate the whole relationship.
There are 21 growth scales.
You might have scored yourself between 1 and 5 on each section.
The lowest possible score (suggesting a dependent relationship) is 21.
The highest possible score (suggesting Authenticity) is 105.
Most relationships score between these extremes.
And the approximate meaning of those scores
is also explained in the Introduction.

Citing this Book

    How to quote and refer to this small book:
Because most readers will read this book on electronic screens,
references should be made to the Section Numbers above (1-21)
rather than the pages of the printed book.
Those who have copies of the printed book
also have the Section Numbers.

    The complete reference might look something like this:

James Leonard Park
Growing in Love:
21 Ways to Become Less Dependent and More Authentic
(Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books, 1998)
followed by the Section Number of the quotation or reference.

    This tall book has now become a chapter in
Heartbreak Prevention: Loving Beyond Romance, Sex, & Marriage.
If "Growing in Love" has helped you to evaluate
yourself with respect to possible dependent tendencies
in your relationship to see how far you have moved
toward creating a relationship based in Authenticity,
then perhaps you will be interested in other chapters
in Heartbreak Prevention: Loving Beyond Romance, Sex, & Marriage.

    When Heartbreak Prevention appears in print,
the pages will be established.
And an additional way of citing these ideas will become available.

    The chapter or small book available above
—Growing in Love: 21 Ways to Become Less Dependent and More Authentic—
presents in a very condensed form
the philosophy of loving relationships more completely described in
New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships.
Clicking this link will lead to many other books worth considering.

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James Leonard Park—Free Library