G A M E O N !
riding a bike, right? As a kid, I was weak
andsmall.Butwithacontroller inmyhand,
I was a giant, capable of smashingmy op-
ponents at will. I was exceptional at sports
games, particularly football. No one could
throw the 100-yard pass in Tecmo Super
Bowl thewayIcould.Unfortunately,noone
plays Tecmo Super Bowl anymore. Instead
of returning to that, I’ll have to engage the
competition throughMadden, the industry
standard for football games. The goal is to
train for a few months by playing online
and against my friends. Then I’ll enter the
EA Sports Madden Challenge (the annual
tournament that crowns the game’s cham-
pion), win the $100,000 fir t-place prize,
and restartmy life.
This is thediaryofmy journey.
WeekOne
In order to have a soundmind, you need a
soundbody. Idecide to train likeRocky— I
go running for the fir t time in 12 years. I
run fivemiles. It doesn’t gowell. I start the
run on a Tuesday morning. I’m not sure
what time I finish— Thursday afternoon,
havealreadybestedme.Not good.
WeekFour
I have tobehonest: The gaming isn’t going
well. Not only am I still unable to connect
to the Internet (stupidplugs andports and
manuals—evenStephenHawkingcouldn’t
figure this out), I also haven’t beaten the
computer in,oh, let’sseenow,
ever
. I’vebeen
playing on the second-easiest settingMad-
den offers, yet I still can’t figure out how to
defend the skinny post nor how to run the
ball formore thanayardandahalfwithout
getting tackled. My offense is anemic, and
my defense is worse. When I call and ask
my friendHeavyKevy,who’s anavidgamer,
what thismeans formyprospectsofbecom-
ingapro,he laughsatme— fora long time.
Thenhehangsup.
WeekFive
I’ve enlistedHeavy.Weplaypoker together,
and I regularly cleanhimout, sohe’s all too
happy tosharesomeMaddenpointerswhile
completely throttling me. We spend hours
“hitting the sticks,”which is gamer lingo for
maybe? And instead of drinking raw eggs,
I scramble themwith cheese. Theyaredeli-
cious. I don’t play any games, though. You
have toworkup to these things.
WeekTwo
A lot of gamers hone their skills online.
Here’s theproblem: Ican’t figureouthow to
connect my next-generation console to the
Internet. I’ve bought the necessary wires
and such at a store, and I’m following the
instructions, but it’snotworking. Is it abad
sign that as you’re trying to launch a pro-
fessional gaming career, you findyou’renot
bright enough to use the hardware? Wait,
don’t answer that.
WeekThree
For motivation, I tape a picture of Ayan
Tariq tomyTV.Hewon last year’sMadden
Challenge.His handle— thenicknamehe’s
calledby other gamers— isFool. Yes, he’s a
… I feel like I shouldbe able tomake a joke
here, but nothing comes tomind. Too bad
he doesn’t have a name I could easily lam-
poon. If thiswere abattle ofwits, hewould
