It's a secret lab in an undisclosed location with all the usual trimmings. Giant metal doors, updated Herr Doktor Frankenstein tubes bubbling with pure science, computer monitors with fake Hollywood displays. A nefarious leader of an elite task force is up in his perch licking his chops beside a bald US General weighted with more military decorations than a full “Connect Four” board. In the clear blue tank (under no anesthesia, because “it won’t work on him”) is a handsome, naked song and dance man from Australia. The needles go in. His heart can’t take it. It seems that he’s dead. Until he recognizes he may just be a pawn in a larger scheme. He becomes pure rage, unbreakable claws sprout from his clenched fists and before you can say “fan service” he’s leapt into a waterfall (?) off to find vengeance and redemption.
It is the most “origin” moment in X-Men Origins: Wolverine and also a nice snapshot of what works and what doesn’t in the picture. What works is that we’re dealing with one of the sturdiest columns of our entertainment culture and to experience that Milhouse Van Houton/Radioactive Man moment (“so THAT’S how it happened!”) can’t help but be bliss to those whose interests lie in the “popular arts.” What doesn’t work is the lack of creativity in this or, frankly, any other scene in the picture. It's as though mediocrity were bonded to the very skeleton of this film. As our test subject wiggles in pain under adamantium filled hypos, we are treated to a hokey black & white collage of his dead lover and brutal brother. His escape features the now long-overused sped up fighting technique. And did they really halt the entire medical procedure just to forge him a new dog tag? Seems like an inappropriate set of priorities, even if it is important to the “origin” that he wear the damned thing.
It is easy to poke holes in comic-book movies, of course, but the better ones like Iron Man and The Dark Knight have the good sense to keep you occupied with better characters, spunkier visual sense and overall finer storytelling. I was thunderstruck during X-Men Origins: Wolverine with how brazenly David Benioff and Skip Woods’ screenplay ignored basic agreed-upon rules. Let’s discuss three.
What are these characters’ motivations? Revenge, okay, sure, but what about this scene. . .right now? Example: Wolverine wants Gambit to tell him where The Island is so he can get Sabertooth. Then Sabertooth shows up, they fight, and Sabertooth escapes. Wolverine starts pounding Gambit again – Where is that Island?! Who cares about The Island? Sabertooth is, like, two blocks away.
What are the rules? Since this is an “origin” story, seems like a great opportunity for non-fans to get on board, right? Not quite. If you want to know which members of Stryker’s team have which power, you are kinda on your own. Just when you think you’ve got it, they conveniently whip something new out. Some of them can’t die. . .but which? And why? 98% of the audience will know about the X-Gene, but a movie should be able to exist on an island. The recent flop Push had some truly bizarre powers, but I could explain them all to you. My mom loves Hugh Jackman and is considering seeing this film. She’ll have no idea what’s going on.
Are the stakes raised? You know what makes every fight scene, even cool ones, uninteresting? When the fighters CAN’T DIE!
Is there anything to enjoy in Wolverine? Sure. Some of the fights are cool. The centerpiece fight (Wolverine vs. a helicopter) is quite good. And the first time you see Cyclops unleash his optic blast is a doozy. But for every solid moment there is an equivalent of pure suck. There are TWO crane pull backs as someone shouts NOOOOOOOOO over a dead body. The whole theater laughed. And frankly, some of the effects seem done on the cheap. There’s one moment when Wolverine is in a bathroom checking out his claws and it looked like slapped-on animation: Who Framed Logan Rabbit?
The movie will no doubt make a mint anyway. It’s the first film of the summer. And dudes can bring their dates because Jackman is cut from Olympian marble and isn’t shy about showing off. The silver lining is that Wolverine’s success means a Magneto movie. Maybe that’ll be better.
Ratings
Writing: D
Directing: C-
Performances: C
Visual Appeal: C+
Overall: C-
Vitals
Release Date: May 1, 2009
Studio: 20th Century Fox
Director: Gavin Hood
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Leiv Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Dominic Monaghan
Genre: Action-Adventure/Science Fiction
MPAA Rating: PG-13
