Punisher: War Zone is the worst of the three Punisher movies. Nerds know that the Dolph Lundgren and Tom Jane movies suck balls, but what makes War Zone such a steaming pile of corn-filled waste is how it squanders some seriously "THAT'S AWESOME" opportunities. The promise of Titus Pullo going at it with Jimmy McNulty while Dexter's girlfriend Rita danced around all hot and sexy had me amped up for months. Punisher: War Zone was a cable television fanboy's wet dream. And like all wet dreams, at the end of War Zone you wake up alone, pissed off you didn't really get the fantasy you dreamed of and ultimately you soiled yourself. Uggh.
Ray Stevensen makes the most authentic-looking Punisher. I liked his look. The skull chest worked. The fact that they finally cast somebody who looked the part made it all the more painful that this movie was such a disaster. The very first Punisher massacre starts off amazing. He's stabbing people in the face. Shooting heads. He beats the tar out of an old lady. Then the Punisher decides to hang upside down from the chandelier shooting people as it spins around. It's retarded and War Zone never recovers.
Dominic West was fun as Jigsaw before his face gets torn to shreds. Then he puts the crappiest "scarred man" mask I've ever seen in a movie and he starts acting like a queen. He looks lamer than Mel Gibson's Man-Without-A-Face. Such a waste.
War Zone has an awful late-90s look to it. The New York City of War Zone is lit by lots of crappy purple and green spotlights and neon. It felt like Tank Girl, or worse, Batman and Robin. The movie looked cheap and European. It was clearly made by people who don't "get" New York City. And if you are going to use Tri-State area Italian Ginzo mobsters as your bad guys, hire some authentic New Yawk Italians. Big Pussy will do anything for a dollar and a meatball hero. Get his fat ass in here to save this crap.
Lexi Alexander directed this dog. The rumor is she's sniffing around DC's cowboy badass comic book movie Jonah Hex. It would totally suck if she got that gig. She did a crap job with Punisher: War Zone.
At this point in the game, if a Marvel movie isn't made by Marvel Studios, chances are it'll blow. The Avengers can't come soon enough.
Ratings
Writing: C
Directing: F
Visual Appeal: D-
Performances: B-
Overall: D-
Vitals
Release Date: December 5, 2008
Studio: Lionsgate
Director: Lexi Alexander
Cast: Ray Stevenson, Dominic West
Genre: Action-Adventure
MPAA Rating: R
