Prep For Frozen with Adam Green's Hatchet

Writer/director Adam Green burst onto the horror scene like a wet balloon with his debut feature Hatchet, a much-hyped return to "good ol' fashioned American horror." Set in N'awlins and featuring cameos from Tony Todd and Robert Englund, Hatchet boasts the next big slasher icon (if the film's pre-packaged hype is to be believe): Victor Crowley, a scarred hick that lives in the swamp and kills people stupid enough to wander around his 'hood on-feet. Why? Because he's ugly and hence naturally stabby.

The scenes set in the French quarter and the swamp in general reek of a tourist's lack of embellishing local color and the film's central MacGuffin is laughable beyond belief. A group of tourists go on a night-time swamp tour and when their boat gets stuck on a rock and the engine momentarily stalls, after some half-hearted pushing and a little water splashes onto the back of the boat, everybody panics, gives up and wind up hoofing it on foot right into Victor Crowley's waiting arms. The best thing in Hatchet has to be Tony Todd's cameo ("Look out when you're walking on the side-walk!"). But other than that...

Try as Green might to liven up his break-out film with a lot of splatter-heavy make-up effects and a heavy smattering of frathouse humor, both the film's scares and its yuks are strictly canned. Once you've tried the real McCoy, likein, say, John Carpenter's Halloween, you won't settle for less quickly. Hatchet is fine for what it is. But it's nothing but cheap thrills, flavor preservatives and empty calories. If the trailer and the buzz surrounding Frozen are any true, Green must have come a long, long way since Hatchet.