Hostel: Part II

The hardcore movie geek is often caricatured as a lonely guy, trapped in a room full of DVDs, stereo equipment, and maybe an action figure or two. The "cool kids" look at the movie geek and wonder why he never leaves the comfort of his couch. It's simple - he's seen enough movies to know better. It's hard to travel, and nearly impossible to book overnight lodging, when you've seen what can happen at places like the Bates Motel or The Overlook. Think about it. If you've seen Psycho, Vacancy, The Shining, and Hostel, then you can't shower, watch TV, drink, or sleep with anonymous foreigners, in that order. If that's the case, why even bother leaving the house?

In a nod to just how damaged we've all become by the horrible hotels of movies past, we thought we'd take a moment to look back at some of our favorite rest-stops on the cinematic map of horror, those no-tell-motels that have forced us into a near hermit-like existence. Next time your mom/roommate/wife asks you why you never leave the house, take them on a movie trip to one of our favorite horrible hotels and spend your travel budget on something a little safer, like illegal fireworks or a jetpack.

The Bates Motel (Psycho)

The motel that Norman built will remain as the king of horrible hotels for the rest of time. Not only did Psycho completely change the way we watch movies (killing the protagonist in the middle of a film is still nearly unheard of), but Alfred Hitchcock's masterpiece also, without any exaggeration, forever changed the way the world travels. Don't believe me? Then you haven't been driving alone at night on a rainy off-the-path road and come across a single-floor motel. It's literally impossible not to think of a creepy guy like Norman behind the counter, with his dead mom in a rocking chair in the next room, a dress in the closet, a stuffed bird above his head, and an impressive ability to throw his voice. Motels around the world have gone out of business thanks to The Bates Motel because, once that mental image of Norman dressed up like mom with a kitchen knife in his hand enters your mind, you're far more likely to just keep on driving, telling yourself that there's got to be a Holiday Inn Express somewhere down the road.

All Hostels (Hostel)

If Hitchcock and Norman Bates ruined taking driving trips around the U.S., stopping at cute little motels along the way, Eli Roth completely destroyed the charm of a Eurail pass for a whole generation. You used to be able to travel around Europe by train, seeing the sights, and sleeping soundly at an inexpensive hostel while partying the night away in new city after new city. Not any more. After seeing the Hostel movies, how can anyone get a good night's rest at a European hostel without picturing someone popping your eyeballs out or taking a buzzsaw to your face? And you know what's worse? For generations of horny young college students, Eli Roth has permanently damaged one of the biggest draws of European hostel travel - foreign sex. Seriously, if the hottest girl in the Czech Republic approached you at a hostel and offered to go out and buy you a drink, you'd have to think twice. You'd probably still go and take the risk, but man, would you have to think about it. We all love anonymous Czech sex, but we might love keeping all our fingers and toes intact a little more. Just a little.

The Overlook (The Shining)

So, you can't travel the backroads of America because of Psycho and you can't go to Europe because of Hostel, but you can at least take a nice ski vacation, right? Not if you've seen The Shining. The antique charms of a laid-back mansion-like resort like The Overlook were shot to hell when that creepy old lady got out of the bathtub. The elevator full of blood didn't help either. OK, and, yeah, there was also the creepy ghost bartender, and don't even get us started on "Redrum." But despite all of the collective ghoulishness, the "worst" thing about The Overlook isn't the supernatural hauntings, but rather, it's the hotel's ability to make real the number one anxiety of children around the world - your father at his absolute angriest. You thought your papa was pissed when you came home late? Look at Jack Nicholson's parenting skills for a comparison, and send your dad a nice Father's Day card. Great, now family vacations have been ruined too, haven't they? The rest of the family can go on that ski trip, and we'll stay here. All work and no play seems a lot better than an axe through the bedroom door.

The Motel in Identity

Are there any vacation spots left? Well, all of our previous examples came from hotels and motels that were barely populated, so maybe there's safety in numbers, right? Wrong. Identity proved that, even if there are ten other occupants, you should never trust a motel run by John Hawkes. Especially when there's a serial killer running amok, and your fellow motel residents are a little too talkative. James Mangold's Identity played with many of the horror hotel archetypes - the place looks a lot like the Bates Motel - but grafted them onto an Agatha Christie set-up. But what this "Ten Little Psychos" made very clear about travel was that you should never talk to your neighbors. And if you do talk to your neighbors and realize that you all have something eerily in common, like the same birthday, then there's probably a nefarious reason for your lodging of choice and it's time to move on. When your neighbors start dropping dead, don't stop and try and solve the mystery, just run. And, finally, when you can't leave the motel from hell, realize that maybe, just maybe, you've gone crazy. Great, now we're afraid of other people and our own minds. And you wonder why we never leave the safety of our own futons.

The Pinewood Motel (Vacancy)

If Identity taught us to never trust the weirdos on the other side of our hotel room walls, then Vacancy taught us to fear what happens if there ISN'T anyone on the other side of the walls. Odd motel neighbors are one thing, dead neighbors are so, so much worse. You thought John Hawkes was bad? Ha. Never, ever trust a motel run by Frank Whaley. Just like poor Janet Leigh in Psycho, you never want to be the only guest at your roadside motel of choice. Sure, some motels are further off the beaten path than others, but when yours is the only room occupied, you might start wondering what happened to all the other guests. And when you find a VHS tape of what happened to the guests before you and that tape is best described using the word "snuff," it's really nobody's fault but your own. None of us want loud neighbors or wailing kids keeping us up at night, but it's nice to know that there's somebody in the room next door who might hear you scream when Whaley comes knocking. So, now we're afraid of most hotels and motels, America, Europe, ski trips, being with strangers, being alone, our own minds, and Spectravision. Yeah, this is going to be the worst summer vacation EVER. Thanks a lot, Hotels.com!

Feature by Brian Tallerico

More on horror hotels:
:: Alfred Hitchcock on Wikipedia
:: Hostel Official Site
:: The Shining on Wikipedia