Does the Third Twilight Eclipse the Others?

In the last scene of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Kristen Stewart’s Bella Swan, the empty vessel of a million teenage hopes and dreams sums up, in three words, everything that depresses me about this vapid, vexing franchise: “I’m not normal.”

I say, "no." Despite surface-level plot machinations (y’know, that she’s dating two of the Universal Monsters) everything about The Twilight Saga is soul-crushingly normal. These films are an orgy of uninspired middle-class values, and, were I still an angry undergraduate or one of those lunatics who smash Starbucks kiosks during G-20 summits, I’d feel some sense of moral punk rock obligation to rage against the franchise’s backwarding effect on our culture.

Bella Swan, racing toward marriage at age eighteen, can’t plan anything in her life that doesn’t revolve around the approbation from or inclusion of a man. Do I read anything into her planned move to Alaska? You betcha! Social politics aside, it is also a dull movie.

Much like the low point of high school dating, Eclipse is mired in endless conditional discussion. While this may add a nice dose of thematic realism, it is an oil painting up on the screen. For every vampire or werewolf attack that comes along to wake you up, there is another fifteen minute conversation. I feel as if this film should come with a phone cord to twirl around your finger as you engage in eternal dating gossip.

Kristen Stewart, the core of The Twilight Saga does nothing in this film to deflect charges (from some) that she is sluggish or unlikable. Yet Bella is still nothing but wanted. Edward, the chaste, soft-spoken vampire and Jacob, the hulking, hot-blooded werewolf both desire her like no man has ever desired a woman before. Victoria, the red-headed evil vampire, wants to kill her as vengeance for crimes committed way back in the first picture. Dakota Fanning and the Volturi want her for some nefarious scheme they have yet to reveal. And her father just wants her home for dinner, protected from the lustful stares of that dumbass in the James Dean haircut.

After the graduation party and Edward/Jacob heart to heart in a camping tent (the only scene in this movie with any electricity) there is a battle where the vampires and werewolves team up against Victoria’s evil “newborn army.” It is a well-shot and well-choreographed sequence – a “thank you” to everyone who was dragged to this movie by a friend or lover who is, inexplicably, a fan of this franchise.

The biggest punchline is this: The Twilight Saga: New Moon concluded with Edward and Bella deciding to marry. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse concludes with Edward and Bella deciding to marry. In an effort to retain a little bit of punk rock alluded to at the beginning of this review, I’ll throw in the phrase “ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”