I would have written sooner but the 13 year old in me is still panting in the bathroom and I need him for this. Everything Piranha 3D bills itself to be was in this footage! Boobs? Check. Ridiculously awesome gore? Check. 3D boobs? Check.
More than that, Piranha 3D is blood-drenched, ass-shaking, gaping wound fun. Teens will try to sneak in to see it or rent it and hope their parents don't know the difference. Watching it for 7 minutes, I could almost feel the pubescent acne growing on my face.
Setting the table with sweeping shots of boats anchoring to party in sunny Lake Victoria, we see spring breakers half clad and ready to drink and fool around. Beer flows, the sun shines, the boobs bounce and life is good. Cut to Ving Rhames and Elizabeth Shue, sheriffs, investigating a empty boat off a dock when she falls in! Splashing! And a corpse pops up with no skin.
We're building slow. A diver investigates a cave and discovers eggs. Something bumps into him and takes a bite, he turns and shines the light and hovering above him is the school of piranha.
Back to Lake Victoria and a wet t-shirt contest. Hedonism soars. Sheriffs try to warn people but it's too late. The frenzy begins. Trying to keep up with the footage from here on out is a fool's errand. The ensuing scenes are equals parts boobs and blood, decapitations and dames.
Here are the best highlights that had the audience howling:
Big Kills:
Jerry O'Connell's penis is chomped off by a piranha.
Girls Gone Wild dude tries to climb on to a boat, you're waiting for the piranha when suddenly and on coming boat decapitates the smarmy sex monger.
A flailing steel cable splits a very well-endowed young woman is just below her very naked chest.
A frantic partier tries to escape via a single prop boat and runs over dudes and chicks. His boat comes to halt and we see under the water, a girl's hair is tangled in the propeller. This movie delivers it exactly the way you want to it. He pulls the cord and rips the girls face off!
Chaos on the beach is a gore-lovers wet dream. A hot chick's ripped apart. Bodies are pock-marked with bites, blood drips from everyones body, Ving Rhames picks piranhas out of the air with a shotgun.
Big Boobs:
The boobs are everywhere. From a wet t-shirt contest to an underwater ballet sequence with two women fully naked, swimming and hugging each other, Piranha 3D doesn't lack the over the top gratuitous nudity you want.
And it doesn't hesitate to celebrate the female form at any given opportunity. The camera zooms in on a woman's bottom from a fish's perspective and we get the reactions shot as it takes a chunk out.
The camera weaves in and out of bare 3D limbs everywhere. Not one person at the party cares a whit about melanoma!
3D:
The 3D looks very clear and crisp. Some scenes pop more than others and there are scenes set up for the "Wow" moment, but it's hard to say anything bad about 3D puke. I mean, come on! It's 3D puke.
So treat the adolescent in you August 20th. Do whatever it is you do to prepare for good, ole fashioned gore and gratuitous nudity. Go on, you deserve.
