The Most Useless Video Game Items

You could place a whole host of handy things in jars in A Link to the Past. A bee is not one of those things. Instead of, say, a fairy, which could resurrect you upon death, a bee will just sorta fly around. Sometimes it attacks enemies, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes it'll sting you just for kicks. Not cool, bee. Worth noting there is a Golden Bee, which is way more handy and doesn't fly away at the end of a battle, but we'd still rather have a fairy. She's much hotter.

It's just like the 26th President of the United States, Thoedore "Teddy" Roosevelt, to weasel his way into my favorite zombie game and spoil all the fun.

Haters of the Bull Moose Party know all about Teddy's famous PR stunt-the one where the former Rough Rider refused to shoot a beaten and bound bear cub. And arctophiles (scum of the Earth they are) know their favorite toy, the Teddy Bear, was originally named after this gag-worthy meet-cute. Well, I have words for Teddy.

You know why they called it the Square Deal? Because Teddy was a total Square!

Soaring Conservationist? More like boring conversationalist!

Face on Mt. Rushmore? I wish he would shush-more!

As one of the earliest first person shooters, Wolfenstein set the standard for pistols sucking ass in video games. When you're fighting zombie Nazis with guns that fire from their chests, we're pretty sure a 9 millimeter isn't going to do that much damage. In fact, we know that's the case, as it takes about 17 shots to take down anything bigger than a bowl of dog food. Thankfully the SMG and the mighty chain gun make up for the pistol's hardcore lameness. Oh, and we're aware the knife in Wolf 3D was even weaker...but we give extra points for stabbin' Nazis, since it stings way more.

Ever wonder where the goldfish go after their unceremonious flush down the toilet?

Pokeballs-the goldfish are individually stuffed into Pokeballs. And there they wait, often for years; the cramped shell and preservative chemicals slowly mutating their scaly corpse into a Goldeen. So, when Goldeen's freed from this pocket-sized coffin, it should come as no surprise the hollow-shell of a fish is so pathetic. What looks like a harmless flopping Pokemon is in reality nothing more than a dead fish, it's synapses still misfiring, shaking the life from its shriveling muscles.