Running the Option on Racist Mascots

Notre Dame's pugilist leprechaun is a little stereotypical and a lot behind the times. They need something fresh. Something young. Something that encapsulates the wild nights of campus life. Like a priest. Not like a Catholic Priest, silly, like a Priest from those bad ass comic books or MMOs where the term priest is sort of ironic because they're always blasting spooks and seducing women of the night.

Native Americans are a recurring theme because a.) schools tend to choose mascots from the local creatures and b.) the Midwest is strapped for fierce looking animals. Naturally, the second-best choice is the land's most marginalized culture.

Since colonialism seems to be essential, we'll let Illionois keep that bit. But why not go fictional. The Fighting Na'vi are a metaphor for the bigotry of a few ideologues who took a nation away from its natives.

Even if you ignore the Crayola red skin, the checker teeth and the triangle eyes, which, you know, is a lot to ignore, the mascot is still named Chief Wahoo. That's right, Chief "How Has No One Changed This Yet" Wahoo.

Cleveland deserves a team mascot that sums up their people, like the Cayonero. Advertised as five yards long, six lanes wide, and sixty-five tons of American pride, the Cayonero is an SUV from the Simpsons-verse and a roll-on-any-right-turn death trap. I fail to find a better analogue for the Cleveland auto-industry.

Reasons Washington Redskins should become Washington Grey Skins:

1. Apply grayscale to the current logo and save money on branding redesign.
2. Monochrome is an uncommon color palette in major league sports.
3. Furthermore, black uniforms require less dry cleaning.
4. It's inoffensive because Ghouls aren't people.

Miami is broke. Like broke broke. Like my friend who lives in Miami rents a penthouse on the water for $300 and a sixer of Natty Light broke.

So with that in mind, I totally get why changing their team name, The Hurricans, isn't top priority. The name's not that offensive. Unless you're a resident of New Orleans. Hurricanes only kill, what, thousands of people a year, but so do Americans and the Patriots get to keep their name.

We'll keep costs down (God knows you can't afford it any other way). Will Smith, that guy who wrote that pop song about you in the '90s and you've looped it into over tourism commercial? He's out of your price range. He has this friend, though, a DJ named Jazzy Jeff. Perfect fit. Trust us.