Super Mario Bros. Drinking Game

Have you ever been in love with identical twins?

I have.

Their names were Kristen and Kelly and they were the cutest girls in my elementary school. Every time I passed them in the hallway, my heart would melt into my stomach, which would sink into my bladder and I’d immediately have to go to the bathroom.

Here’s how I told them apart: Kristen was radiant and Kelly was effervescent.

Anyway, my crush on the twins came exactly as Super Mario Brothers 3 was released on the Nintendo Entertainment System. And since seeing Mario fly was the coolest thing that I’d ever seen, I figured that the girls would feel the same way.

So one day, before school, I used construction paper I had leftover from my science project to create a paper raccoon tail that I shoved down the back of my pants so it would hang loose.

I walked to school with a paper raccoon tail. And, being early, I hung out around the North entrance to Maplewood Elementary School, waiting for Kristen and Kelly to show up. For, you know, maybe two hours.

And when they showed up, I described the video game – which they were not familiar with – and then took a running start and jumped head first into the dirt to show them that the tail could make me fly.

Did I mention their parents were with them when they showed up to school and wrote a letter to my parents warning them I needed to stay away from their daughters?

Let’s drink to forget! 

Take A Shot Every Time

• You kill yourself trying to get a 1Up.
• You still try for that 1Up on the next life.
• You wonder if a life spent in the sole effort of pursuing the same events day after day is one worth living.
• You get the 1Up!

Take Two Shots Every Time

• You wonder if Toad is a girl or a boy.
• You’re like, “The vest says 'it's a dude.'"
• Although, you’re like, “But that voice must come from a girl."
• You think maybe Toad people don’t have a gender.
• But the Toad Prime Minister or whatever he is always has a mustache.
• Good point, man.
• Either way, you’d hit that.

Finish The Bottle Every Time

• Princess Peach is kidnapped.
• Princess Peach is in another castle.
• Princess Peach isn’t worth it.

Look Kristen & Kelly Up On Facebook When

• You’re done writing this column.