When searching for terrible fan-fiction, you essentially
have two routes:
A.) You browse through video game fan-fiction, opening any
pieces with titles like The Devil & Ms. Pac-Man or Tifa &
Aeris: You Essentially Know What Will Happen Here or Dreaming Of Autumn:
A Story Where Crono Has Sex But Still Doesn't Talk.
B.) You search for a combination of words that would make
you throw up in your mouth if they were real.
Unfortunately, I chose the second.
You see, I've been playing Professor Layton & The
Diabolical Box and was like, "Oh, hey, Mike Drucker. Your eyeballs haven't
burnt in like three days. Let's search for 'Professor Layton' and 'Sex.' You
know. Because your father was short on the hugging and so forth."
Oh. My. God.
First of all, Professor Layton is a classy guy, not some
tramp.
Second, Luke is, like, eight.
They shouldn't be... Oh Jesus, people. This is my first one
and I want to stop writing these already. They're paying me, but at what cost?
Here's a passage from one story, called "Second Guess" by
Sky-Pirate-Tat.
I'm taking nothing out of context and I swear to
God this is a real thing on the Internet. The only reason I'm not linking it is
because UGO has some policy against linking to things that make it impossible
to ever have intercourse again.
-
When the professor spoke, there was clarity in his voice. He was wide-awake, prepared to dodge his full-grown apprentice's advance.
"Luke, it's late." Luke wouldn't allow him to debate. He set the glass on the bookshelf on the way in and invited himself onto the bed. Before the man could say another word, he grabbed him by the front of his pajama shirt and kissed him.
Why is this a thing that exists?
To be clear, this does not offend me
because it's homoerotic. If you knew me, you'd know that was the opposite of the truth. Homoeroticism doesn't bother me. I loved Gears Of War 2.
Isn't that the whole thing about Professor Layton is that
he's a gentleman?
-
"In fact, I denied it for the longest time before I thought it over." He gasped, pleasantly shocked by the professor's lips against his jugular, and then teeth caught on his ear.
"This is what you want?" Layton whispered, serious, still hesitant despite his previous actions.
Luke pulled him closer, "please." He begged.
The story is they're having sex.
With each other.
I'd post more, but the network here
has blocked my Internet access and heavy footsteps around the corner indicate I
don't have much time to finish this piece.
The worst part about "Second Guess"
isn't that it's horrifying and terrible.
It's that there aren't even puzzles here.
And if your Professor Layton story is
filled with gross mouth-breathing sex and zero puzzles, I think you might have
misunderstood the basic premise of Professor Layton.
