A Gamer's History of the United States: 1492 - 20XX

2,500,000,000 B.C.

Fossilized evidence of pizza and nunchucks suggest American awesomeness extends further back than anyone could’ve possibly imagined.

1492

Using a paperback encyclopedia, seven-year-old Mike Drucker informs time cops that the infamous criminal Carmen Sandiego is planning to steal the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. They catch her right as she was finally getting the tarp over them.

1600

English sailor Mike Drucker hooks up with like every governor’s daughter while exploring the Caribbean. His descendants will form over half of the signers of the Constitution – notably all but the racist ones.

1776

Civic unrest in the English civilization leads to a number of distant cities breaking off to become a rival culture. The ensuing clash between poor farmers and the best-equipped navy in the world becomes history’s most famous example of the military phenomena known as “Spearmen vs. Tanks.”

1848

American pioneers trek westward on the Oregon Trail in a Conestoga wagon brimming with jerky, kerosene and bottles of　fortitude. Telling reminders of their fate remain to this day, with heart-wrenching inscriptions such as "Mike’s Mom Died Of Dysentery" and "Mike’s Ass Starved To Death."

1863

The Battle of Sid Meier’s Gettysburg leads to 50,000 player kills, easily surpassing Sid Meier’s Antietam to become the bloodiest battle of Sid Meier’s Civil War.

1918

Ace German pilot Red Baron is brought down by Snoopy using the power of imagination and also guns.

1924

A time traveling Albert Einstein kills Hitler by shaking his hand. This creates a ripple throughout the time stream in which the Soviet Union conquers Europe and America’s vehicles look awesome and there’s this woman who totally blows up buildings.

1935

The Great Depression ends as people begin following the example set by Mike’s Cool City: lowering taxes, building plenty of industrial areas, and entering "imacheat" a whole lot.