dispatches
TourBust
Riding the loneliest sightseeingbus in theworld
S
everal times a day, a yellow open-
topdouble-decker sightseeingbus
circlesDoha,but therenever seems to
beanyoneonboard.
Busessuffer froman imageproblem
here;manyQataris lookdownonthem
as aworking-class formof transporta-
tion.Tomakemattersworse, the tour
bus’sroute iscurrentlyengulfed indust
and rubble (ironically, from the new
metro system that’s under construc-
tionandsettowelcomeriders in2019).
Even so, the people ofDoha Bus are
giving it a go, and to entice potential
customers tohopaboard,theywillpick
youupat aplaceof your choosing.
So, on a recent day, I took a ride. I
saton theupperdeck,myarmover the
side, and in two hours not one other
person boarded. “Like an oyster,” a
recordedmessage toldme, “Qatar is
openingup to theworldand revealing
itself tobea real pearl.”
According to thedriver,“Thursday
andFridayare thebusydays.”Curious,
I called for collection the following
Friday.This time,Iwas joinedbyone
other passenger: an unshaven older
man, who also took a seat on the
upper deck.
My compatriot was Slav, visiting
fromSydney.Aswepassed theKatara
cultural village, I told him he should
get off and explore.It’s the town’s best
district, awarren of alleyways, galler-
ies and amodern amphitheater. “No
way,”he said,“I’vegot to complete the
circuit.”Aswe lookedout at a city still
verymuch inthemaking,Slavshouted,
“Look!”I did, but through the haze I
couldn’t tell what hewas pointing at.
—SAKHRAL-MAKHADHI
Santa
Conning
How to fake it as an
authentic Saint Nick
T
hismonth, cities across the
U.S. host SantaConevents,
including theplacewhere it all
began: SanFrancisco. Dubbed
a “convention,” theseaffairs
consist of ironically costumed
tipsy folksmillingabout going
“Whoo!”—Mardi Gras inwhite
beards. Someof us take theHo!
Ho! Ho! thingmore seriously.
Here, how todo jolly likea
real Laplander.
—CHRISWRIGHT
san francisco
1.
THEBEARD
What youdon’twant on
your chin is something that
looks as if it’s beenpulled
out of a cheap throwpillow.
Yourwhiskers are key to
your believability, so get
something full, curly, and,
um, hairy. Also, make sure to
attach it securely, as beard
malfunctionwill blowyour
cover and traumatize the kids.
2.
THEBELLY
If you’renot already suitably
endowed, andyou simply
refuse to gain a fewdozen
pounds before thebigday,
thenyouwill need to simulate
obesity. Again, pillows should
playnopart here. Instead,
invest in aqualityprosthetic
belly, which can also serve
as a fakebeer gut or a third-
trimester bump.
3.
THEBARITONE
First, youneed toworkon
perfectingyour ho’s, which
should soundbooming
without being scary, jolly
without beingmaniacal. Fine
line. Similar care should go
into theon-the-knee chats.
Someof the childrenwill
havebeennice. Some
will havebeennaughty.
Trynot to judge.
24
DECEMBER2015
•
HEMISPHERESMAGAZINE.COM
doha
