Playing by His
Own Rules
A bored child can be a
difficult travel companion;
a bored dad can be worse
When I was 14, my parents were seized
with a desire to visit Amish country. Sowe
loaded up the car, enlistedmy cousins and
their parents, and traveled fromMassachu-
se s toLancasterCounty, Pa., to investigate
away of lifewholly distinct fromour own.
The problemwas, thiswholly distinct way
of life also happened to be very slow.
So, during the four-hour bus tour we’d
signed on for, my father started inventing
games to alleviate the boredom. The first
was inspired by the fact that, even though
the guide repeatedly reminded us that the
Amish enjoy nomodern conveniences, we
kept seeing Amish-looking people push-
ing gas-powered lawnmowers and eating
Doritos. Each timemy father pointed this
out, he’d get the same answer: “That’s a
Mennonite.” The resulting game con-
sisted of Dad scanning the landscape for
transgressors and repeating, idly, “That’s a
Mennonite. That’s a Mennonite.”
The second game dawned
on him when the bus
stopped to allow a
teenage Amish
girl onboard
to hawk
her crafts.
Keenly attuned
to my withering
adolescent discom-
fort with members
of the opposite sex,
even ones that looked as if they had been
churning bu er since childhood, my father
glanced at me and took a deep breath.
This was around the time that “Ameri-
ca’s FunniestHomeVideos” premiered, and
the winner of the first season featured a
dog that could sort of shout-scream, “I love
you!”My dad loved that dog. Thus, in front
of the confused and possibly frightened
girl, the startled passengers and the mor-
tified son, my dad announced again and
again, in the dog voice, that he loved me.
Minutes later, quiet was restored. The
girl was gone, the validity of her lifestyle
confirmed beyond any doubt. I sat there,
contemplating the possibility of burrow-
ing into my seat cushion. Dad, deeply
satisfied, leaned back. The bus jerked into
motion. “That’s a Mennonite,” he said.
—
JOE KEOHANE
HEMISPHERESMAGAZINE.COM
•
MAY 2013
85
