PART
III. CHILDREN—DURING AND AFTER THE RELATIONSHIPS
Question 10
Will we have children? If so, how many and when?
Default answer: Yes. Almost all people getting married
expect to reproduce.
And if they are not too old, everyone else expects the couple to have
children.
Some concepts of marriage make procreation
central.
If the partners cannot have children, then it is not a valid marriage.
If they were young and healthy enough to have children,
but were not planning to reproduce,
then they should not have fooled the rest of society by getting married.
Creative answers: Until the middle of the 20th century,
parenthood did follow marriage almost inevitably
because there were no reliable contraceptives.
But now, every pregnancy should be a free choice by both parents.
The next page lists about 30 reasons for
having children
and about 10 reasons against.
You might find it helpful in answering this Question
to mark all of the reasons that apply in your relationship.
And perhaps you will think of some additional reasons for reproducing.
Or you might find the reasons against having
children more compelling.
Which of the listed reasons for avoiding pregnancy seem most valid to
you?
And perhaps you will add further reasons
for postponing or avoiding (additional) pregnancies.
In any case, you should think deeply about this decision,
which could be one of the most momentous of your life,
probably having longer-reaching implications
than anything else you put into your relationship contract.
Also, you have a 50/50 chance that the process of raising your children
will last longer than your loving relationship with each other.
You should discuss all the pros and cons
before you decide this dimension of your relationship.
And you should put your present agreement about having children
into your relationship contact.
If you are uncertain about children at this time,
how will you approach this question in the future?
When will you deal with this issue?
If you cannot agree about having children, how will you resolve this
conflict?
Perhaps discussing your reasons for wanting children will clarify the
issues.
64 DESIGNER MARRIAGE: WRITE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP
CONTRACT by James Park
WHY
HAVE (MORE) CHILDREN?
The following reasons for (and against) having
children
are explored in detail in a 40-page chapter of the same name
in New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships
[Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books: www.existentialbooks.com]
I. COUPLES' REASONS FOR HAVING
CHILDREN
A.
The Survival of the Human Race
B.
Giving Meaning to Our Lives
C.
Our Affirmation of Life
D.
"We Love Children"
E.
"It's Natural to Want Children"
F.
To Please Our Parents and
Grandparents
G.
Religious Reasons
H.
Saving the Marriage
II. WOMEN' S REASONS FOR HAVING CHILDREN
A.
Fulfillment as a Woman—the Maternal
'Instinct'
B.
Enjoying Pregnancy and Child-birth
C.
"Without Children You’re an
Outsider"
D.
"I Need a Change"
E.
"I Want My Husband to Protect Me"
F.
As an Alternative to Sex
G.
To Have Someone to Love
III. MEN'S REASONS FOR HAVING
CHILDREN
A.
The "Family Man" Identity
B.
Someone to Carry on the Family
Name
C.
Children as a Sign of Financial
Success
D.
Children as Proof of Manhood
E.
Children to Keep His Wife at Home
F.
Having Subordinates
IV. REASONS FOR NOT HAVING CHILDREN
A.
Not Everyone Can Be a Good Parent
B.
Practical and Marital Problems Caused by
Children
C.
Keeping Our Options Open
D.
Problems of Pregnancy and
Child-birth
E.
Genetic Defects that Should Not be Passed
On
F.
Not Wanting Full-Time Responsibility for
Children
G.
Being Committed to Other Purposes
H.
Problems Caused by Overpopulation
I.
Problems of the Human Condition
J.
Our Existential Predicament
Question
10:
WILL WE HAVE
CHILDREN?
by James
Park
65
Above you
have the first two pages from Question 10 of Designer
Marriage.
The table of contents below shows the subordinate Questions that follow
these pages.