Introduction..................................................................................... 211
Three Kinds of Families..................................................... 211
Alternative Family Structures........................................... 212I. THE PROBLEMS OF UNCHOSEN TOGETHERNESS....... 213
A. Daily Trivial Irritations.................................................... 213
B. Conflicts over Practical Matters.................................. 215
C. Complications for Multiple Loving............................. 215
D. Getting into Patterns of Relating................................. 216
E. The Same Bed.................................................................. 217II. ADVANTAGES & POSSIBILITIES
A. Keeping the Relationships Open and Flexible........ 218
B. No Unchosen Togetherness........................................ 218
C. Complete Privacy............................................................ 219As we become more Authentic,
At
least three styles of
family have been tried in our culture:
(1) the extended family of frontier and rural
America,
(2) the nuclear family of urban and suburban
America, and
(3) the commune of the counter-culture in
the 1960s and 70s.
But all three share one common problem:
unchosen
togetherness.
1.
The extended family
worked
when one generation was much like the next
(because of ideological conformity),
when grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles,
cousins, siblings, etc.
all shared approximately the same values
and life-style.
Since everyone agreed about the most fundamental
questions of life,
they were able to live together in relative
peace and tranquillity.
The extended family was very supportive;
and it was often the basic social structure
of the village or township.
But when the presuppositions and assumptions
of the older generations
are challenged for various reasons by the
younger generations,
extended families are not as peaceful, supportive,
or happy.
Biologically-related families of more than
two generations
are not likely to hold together very well
in the 21st century.
But it is possible for voluntary families
to emerge
from some consensus of life-styles and values.
(Margaret Mead calls them "clusters".)
When the members of a group (regardless of
age) hold common values,
they can create a good family-life together.
211
2. The nuclear family (Dad,
Mom, and the kids)
was the most wide-spread form
of household thru most of the 20th century.
It was a family-form that worked when all
members agreed
on certain principles and rules (usually
imposed by the parents).
Some compromises were necessary for the household
to run smoothly.
3. Likewise a commune
could be made to work
if its members were committed enough to keeping
it going.
If they were willing to make the sacrifices
required by the group-life,
a commune provided good family support.
But quite often tensions developed within
communes
because of different values and styles-of-life
—even within groups consisting of people
close to the same age.
The primary problem
that made all three styles of family difficult
was the simple fact of having to live
with other people!
(If you think for a moment
about your own experiences of living with
others,
you will be reminded of many of the problems
that can arise:
noise, mess, intrusion, irritation, money,
guests, pets, etc.)
This chapter will
offer some ideas for living arrangements
that avoid the problems of living with other
people:
Each adult could live in a separate
household.
(Children will probably live with one of
their parents,
perhaps moving from one parent's household
to the other periodically;
or maybe—if old enough—the children could
have their own apartment.)
A group of people
could rent apartments in the same building.
Or they could own a building together as
a cooperative or condominium.
Also they could live in apartment buildings
in the same neighborhood.
If a group of people who want to form a 'family'
own an apartment building,
they could set aside one apartment (or some
other common area)
for any 'family' activities they want to
have as a group.
Or they could even have separate houses.
The real estate arrangements are not as important
as the fact that each adult has his
or her own living space.
Each adult has a
private, self-contained living-unit,
with its own kitchen and bathroom.
This permits each person to live an independent
life,
without intruding on other members of the
family.
Their lives overlap only by choice,
not by chance or necessity.
But because they
live close enough to the people they know and like,
they have complete freedom to associate with
one another
in whatever dimensions of their lives they
please,
at whatever times are mutually convenient.
No one is compelled to share
any particular aspect of life
with the rest of the 'family'.
But all members are enabled
to share as much as they want.
212
How
to cite the above pages from New Ways
of Loving
Students and scholars are
invited to quote
anything from the above pages.
Here is the proper form for the footnote or other reference:
James Park New
Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships
(Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books.com, 2007—6th edition)
p. xxx
{the page numbers appear
at the bottom of the pages}
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