a sample chapter from
New Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships
by James Park.
The table of contents for this chapter appears first.
The page numbers appear at the bottoms of the pages.
Several words in this chapter appear in bold face,
which is found only in the printed version.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 4
Loving without Needing:
Seven Pre-Existing Needs and How to Transcend Them

            Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
            Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."
                                                         —Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

I.    PRE-EXISTING NEEDS vs. EMERGENT VALUES    .......................................50
            A. Pre-Existing Needs    .....................................................................50
                1. Security & the Need to be Needed    .......................................52
                2. Approval    ...............................................................................53
                3. Romance    ..............................................................................54
                4. Sex    ........................................................................................55
                5. Affection & Intimacy    .............................................................56
                6. Communication & Companionship    ........................................57
                7. Relationship Structure    ..........................................................58
            B. Emergent Values    .......................................................................60
                1. Emergent Values in my Relationship with Pat    .....................61
                2. Emergent Values in my Relationship with Sara    ....................64
                3. Emergent Values in other Relationships    ...............................65
II.    LOVE AS A NEED vs. LOVE AS A LUXURY    ................................................66
            A. Loved Based on Prior Needs    ......................................................66
            B. Love as a Luxury, rather than a Necessity    ..................................67
III.    I-IT USING vs. I-THOU ENCOUNTER    ........................................................68
IV.    WHEN NEEDING TURNS INTO USING    .....................................................71
V.     WHAT TO DO ABOUT NEEDING LOVE    .....................................................72

     Whether love always arises from pre-existing needs
is one of the most controversial questions raised in this book.
Our culture teaches us that we all have certain basic human needs
that must be satisfied in our relationships with others. 
But this chapter presents a new form of love, based not on prior needs
but on the particular values that emerge in actual loving relationships.

     Various schools of academic psychology
are major sources of the belief that love arises from need.
(Do we think of monkey-experiments when we think of our 'need for love'?)
Psychology usually assumes that all behavior arises from need.
Thus, we create even 'loving relationships' to satisfy prior expectations.
This assumption is so deep that many writers merely presuppose it
and proceed to discuss the needs that 'love' is supposed to fulfill.
In these terms, 'ideal relationships' satisfy all our needs.

     Existentialism, however, takes a very different view of human life.
Instead of assuming a fixed 'human nature' with given qualities and needs,
existentialism describes the human person as open, creative, & free
—full of potentialities rather than possessed by drives.                    

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                49

     Our freedom can enable us to re-design our own lives
rather than following the patterns provided by society.
As we re-focus our lives around our freely-chosen ultimate concerns,
we rise above simply gratifying needs and seeking pleasure.
As we develop more integrated selves,
we leave behind our immature and needy emotional responses 
—such as attempts to 'fall in love' according to the romantic pattern.
Loving from Authenticity is deeper than romance    
because such relationships arise from our self-creating selves
rather than our original personalities
—which were created by several years of cultural conditioning.
Our early romantic feelings arose from emotional programming,
but when we become self-directing, we freely create our relationships.
Thus love is no longer an irresistible passion that overwhelms us
but a creative activity—like improvising music—we carefully undertake.

I. PRE-EXISTING NEEDS vs. EMERGENT VALUES

     Which comes first, love or need?
Do our inner deficiencies and hungers drive us to search for satisfiers?
Or does our wonder and appreciation for the persons we love
emerge out of actual loving experiences together?
Probably we used to believe that innate needs were primary,
that before we would even think of beginning a relationship,
we must have a need for it—"Why else would anyone love?"
But perhaps we have discovered that the best gifts of love
emerge unexpectedly in real encounters with actual persons.
We had our pre-existing needs when we were still lonely individuals,
but the emergent values only appeared as the result of active loving.

       PRE-EXISTING NEEDS                            EMERGENT VALUES

1. arise within isolated selves.            1. emerge from actual relationships.

2. many possible satisfiers.                2. only one relationship can create
                                                               these specific, unique values.

3. desires without a specific partner.    3. valuing a specific person.

4. general inward lacks and wants.      4. based on unique experiences.

5. "I love you because I need you."     5. "I 'need' you because I love you."

6. love as a necessity.                           6. love as a luxury.

7. I-It use.                                            7. I-Thou encounter.

8. romantic illusions.                              8. loving from Authenticity.

          A. Pre-Existing Needs.

     Perhaps we feel within ourselves needs for: security, approval,
romance, sex, affection, communication, & relationship structure
before we begin looking for people to satisfy these wishes.
These prior needs, lacks, deficiencies, hopes, desires, etc.
exist entirely within our own psyches when we yearn for love.     

50    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

     Our prior hopes might be clearly defined in our heads
as we embark upon the search for someone to love.
Perhaps our deep wishes, expectations, & desires are so clear
that we can even list what we are looking for in a love-partner.
Some newspaper 'personals' ads describe such requirements.
And computer dating has reduced this approach to a science.
The application asks (among other things):
What are you looking for in a man/woman?—check one of these boxes.
In this way we make explicit our expectations and prerequisites.
The computer stores the information on what kind of people we like.
(Also what kind of persons we are, in order to match us                
with other people's pre-existing hopes, dreams, & expectations.)

     If we take a check-list with us on our quest for love
—a detailed vision of the perfect man or woman—
we are very likely to deceive ourselves—at least initially.  
When we find someone who seems to match our predetermined criteria,
romance might cloud our vision and we might begin to idealize our 'find'
—imagining him or her to be the man or woman of our dreams. 
Do we exaggerate the qualities that fit our hopes and aspirations
while minimizing or ignoring the qualities we don't like?
Are we relating to our own mental image of an ideal partner
—possibly getting lost in romantic illusions and fantasies? 
Perhaps we will not stop at editing our experience of the other person.
We might actually try to change him or her into our Dream Lover.
At its worst, this is not only using the person we want to love
but trying to re-make him or her to be more useful in our life-plans.

     Pre-existing needs arise within our isolated selves. 
Do we still seek relationships because of the following internal pressures:
deficiencies, lacks, wishes, desires, drives, wants,
requirements, expectations, prerequisites, yearnings,
hungers, longings, ambitions, fantasies, hopes, & aspirations?

     Secondly, pre-existing needs have many possible satisfiers.
For example, a woman who longs for a man to share her life
is not thinking of a specific person
but only of a type of man who will make her happy.
She would not settle for just any man who will spend time with her,
but many good men could fill this role.

     Likewise, a man who feels an innate need to have sex with a woman
is not thinking of any particular woman, only a certain type of woman.
He would probably not jump into bed with just any female,
but many attractive woman would be good sex-partners for him.

     Unfortunately, however, when we look for love on the basis
of our abstract, internal, preconceived, generalized
needs, desires, longings, expectations, hopes, dreams, etc.,
we might end up using the ones we want to love.                         

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                51

     However, if we make our prior needs and expectations explicit,
we can guard against unloading them on the people we want to love.
And as we become more Authentic, we can transcend our needs.

        1. Security & the Need to be Needed.

     Our need for psychological, emotional, & interpersonal security
sometimes leads us to trade our freedom for promises of protection.
We want to affiliate with something 'larger than ourselves'.
We might seek this social support in an ethnic group or a church,
but the most common form of human affiliation is coupledness.
We want to find someone who will always be there for us,
someone on whom we can depend when everything else seems shaky.

     Whenever we feel the desire for security and protection
in the abstract—before any actual relationship begins—
whatever 'love' results might become clinging dependence.

     But as we re-create ourselves to be more Authentic,
we become our own centers of strength and safety.
Our emerging internal wholeness enables us to love without clinging.
No longer driven into dependent relationships by our deficiencies
—secure within ourselves—we give love instead of demanding security.

     The other side of the need for security is the need to be protective 
and to provide security—the need to be needed.
We want to make a difference in someone's life, to count, to matter,
to have a significant place, to be important in some special way.
If we build 'love' by encouraging others to depend on us,
such love is also likely to end in disappointment and resentment
—if and when a formerly dependent partner becomes independent.

     But this need to be needed can also be transcended:  
As we become more whole within ourselves,
we no longer need to build our egos by having others depend on us.
We can have creative loving relationships with self-sufficient persons.

     We move toward becoming internally-secure, self-creating persons
by embracing and harnessing our existential anxiety and despair
as the driving force behind our self-affirming projects-of-being.
Rebelling against our Predicament—standing in tension with it—
we decide or create the meaning of our lives.
Then, as we pursue our new life-purposes,
we create our own security, centeredness, & integrity. 
And as we become more whole, Authentic, & self-inventing,
we no longer need to depend—or to have others depend on us. 

     Of course, even at our most Authentic, life will be difficult;
and we will welcome the loving support of one another.
But the need to receive security or to provide safety will never again
be the basic organizing principle of our loving relationships.        

52    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

            2. Approval.

     To be born human beings means to be bundles of complex needs.
Beyond our simple requirements for protection and sustenance,
we develop an elaborate need to be accepted by other people,
especially by our parents in the early years.

     The need to be valued, affirmed, & approved by others
becomes the basic motivation behind most of our behavior.
Often this desire for acceptance is so strong
that what other people think matters more than our self-evaluation.
Only if other people acknowledge, love, & believe-in us
do we feel justified in valuing and affirming ourselves! 
We become more concerned with seeming than with being.
To suit the people we want to please,
to gain a sense of identity and worth in the eyes of others,
do we change our colors like a chameleon?
If our need for approval and acceptance is very strong,
our personalities might become sets of well-rehearsed roles.  

     But as we become more autonomous and Authentic,
we mature beyond the need for external approval.
By re-structuring our lives around our new ultimate concerns,
we become our own centers of affirmation and evaluation.
Now our sense of worth comes from deep within ourselves. 
If other people respect us for our comprehensive life-goals
or for our integrity and dedication in pursuing them,
we will certainly appreciate such recognition and support,
but if we are really self-directing,
we will not change our purposes to gain more approval from others.

     Thus, love is no longer a search for approval and validation.  
If other people happen along who respect us for who we already are,
then we will certainly appreciate their admiration and approval
(which are now emergent, experiential values—not pre-existing needs).
When this happens from both sides of a new relationship,
—when we respect each other for our Authentic life-projects—
this emergent, unsought, mutual appreciation
might become the basis for an Authentic loving relationship.
In such cases, approval, affirmation, & admiration are emergent values,
which have appeared unexpectedly in specific personal relationships.

     As we move toward Authenticity, we shift from seeming to being.
And consequently any new loving relationships that emerge
will no longer be dominated by hopes and expectations for approval.
Authentic Existence is open and free,
leaving us ready and willing to accept positive response,
even tho we don't need it for our self-esteem and self-affirmation.
We might ask: "How much am I committed to my Authentic project
and how much am I still striving to gain other people's approval?"         

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                53

              3. Romance.

     When we imagine perfect love, we often yearn for romance.
In quest of that wonderful, transporting feeling of 'falling in love',
we use an elaborate mating dance designed to hide our imperfections
and allow our imaginations to run wild in fantastic anticipation.
We enjoy this temporary insanity; we love the romantic illusions;
we want to luxuriate in those warm, happy, enchanting feelings,
even if we notice them becoming somewhat unrealistic.
This delightful romantic game provides many psychological rewards:
As long as we both stay within the patterns prescribed for lovers,
we can experience all the ecstatic feelings we imagined beforehand
(emotions that happen more within us than between us).

     The elements of the social ritual called "dating" are well known:
falling in love, receiving flowers, going out for a romantic evening,
getting lost in fun and fantasy, thoroly enjoying those thrilling,
head-spinning infatuations that we don't really expect to last.
We intentionally hide our individualities;
our 'feminine' or 'masculine' roles take over.
Like getting dressed up for Halloween or a masquerade party,
it's fun to pretend to be someone else for an evening.

     As the inventors of romantic love—the French troubadours—knew,
the emotional ecstasy of love depends on anticipation and imagination.
Romance flourishes best when we don't know each other very well.
The most unrealistic kind of romantic insanity demands anonymity:
Who both of us really are inside must remain obscure
so we can 'fall in love' with our projected romantic fantasies.
Real information about each other might destroy our delicious illusions.

     If romantic love leads us to join the "happily married",
we might yearn anew for the exhilarating feelings of 'falling in love'.
And because (as Denis de Rougemont shows in Love in the Western World)
knowledge and romance are incompatible, we must seek new people
with whom to pursue our preconceived dreams of romance.

     Becoming Authentic, however, takes us beyond the romantic game.
Romance is blissfully blind—and wants to sustain the 'mystery'. 
When we were romantic, we became lost in one another's images.
But as our relationships become more realistic and Authentic,
our love arises from our cores-of-being, where we create ourselves.
When we decide to move beyond romantic illusions,
we emphasize our Authentic individuality and distinctiveness
rather than the ways we fill general romantic expectations.
As we transcend the conventional 'feminine' and 'masculine' roles,
we can develop loving relationship based on who we choose to be.
Romantic infatuations arise from our enculturated dreams of 'true love';
but Authentic relationships emerge from honest sharing of our selves.
                                                                           
54    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

             4. Sex.

     Most of us assume that sex is a strong biological need.
Sometimes we place it alongside air and food—requirements for survival.
The strength of a need is measured by the consequences of its absence.
We can survive only a few minutes without air, a few days without food,
but what happens when we are deprived of sex?

     Perhaps if we spoke of orgasm as a need,
we would think more carefully before agreeing:  Is orgasm a need?
What happens to us when we don’t have enough orgasms?
Do we shrivel up and die or go crazy?  Of course not.

     Our 'sex-drive' will be explored more fully in the chapter on sex
—as the complex result of evolutionary biology and sexual imprinting.
But if it were just an 'orgasm drive'—a biological urge like hunger—
then do-it-yourself sex would probably be a better way to handle it
than using other people to achieve orgasms.

     Thus we might have been using our supposed "need for sex"
as an excuse or 'explanation' for our particular pattern of relating
—a pattern that might still be based on pre-existing, internal needs
but not on some biological need for orgasms, as we might like to believe.
For instance, sometimes our so-call "need for sex"
conceals a psychological need to submit or dominate.
Some women feel a general need to be 'used' sexually
because surrendering themselves gives them a special kind of pleasure.
And some men feel the general need to "have a woman"
because it builds up their egos, makes them feel "really a man".
Clearly, both of these 'sexual needs' require other people.
And sometimes we defend using each other to satisfy our "need for sex":
As long as the arrangement is voluntary, no one will be hurt.

     However we understand our pre-existing "sex drive",
it is usually a prior hunger contained entirely within our selves.
We experience the urgency of 'sexual' desire first
and only subsequently focus this complex yearning on other people.
And, of course, many people could satisfy these generic drives.

     However, if sex has no given, automatic, unchangeable meaning
—even if we once experienced our own sexuality
as an insistent, internal urge looking for a convenient 'outlet'—
we can transform our sexuality into a mode of personal communication,
like hugging, talking, & exchanging letters
—activities that gain their meanings not from their biological roots
but from the special ways we use them to express particular relationships.

     Within our own lives, we are always free to give sex a new meaning.
Perhaps we will change it from an impersonal drive (a prior need)
into an expressive, intimate means of communicating (an emergent value).
                                                                           
Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                55

        5. Affection & Intimacy.

     Our culture encourages us from an early age
to fantasize intimate, affectionate relationships.
Perhaps for years in advance we imagined being held and cuddled,
only later to focus these preconceived yearnings on a particular person.
And even when we begin to receive the desired hugging and kissing,
our prior dreams of affection might still be speaking more loudly
than what is really happening in the actual relationship. 

     Besides being a delicious dream of receiving affection,
our internal 'need for love' is often a craving for emotional intimacy.
We want something deeper than friendship (partial sharing).
We want to share without reserve everything that we are. 
We feel a profound longing within our isolated selves
to establish complete communication and closeness
with another real, sensitive, caring person.

     But our fantasies of affection and intimacy might be utopian.
Love imagined is usually better than love achieved.
When the victims of our pre-existing love-needs
are unable to fulfill our high-flying hopes and dreams,
love sours into disillusionment and resentment.

     However, in the slow process of becoming more Authentic,
we grow out of our abstract, impersonal yearning for affection.
Becoming Authentic does not mean becoming cold and unfeeling
—resisting, denying, or fighting against our deep emotional hungers.
Rather we transcend our internal, impersonal 'need for love'
when (without calculation or design) actual loving relationships emerge,
in which we experience and appreciate wonderful moments of affection.
Instead of setting out to find someone who fulfills our romantic dreams,
we simply let love emerge from sharing Authentic projects. 
Then, without the pressure of our prior internal needs,
warm, loving relationships might emerge even more easily.
When we really are holding someone close,
we appreciate such actual moments of loving intimacy and affection
(which are now emergent values);
and we can abandon our abstract yearning for love (our pre-existing need).

     Unfortunately, sometimes our expectations of affection and intimacy
are based partly on past moments of sharing with a particular person.
In a developed relationship, it might be difficult to distinguish
our internal, prior needs from emergent, experiential values.
Thus, is it important to continue asking ourselves:
"How much of this experience is a feeling arising within me,
based on my prior expectations, yearnings, hopes, & dreams,
and how much is an actual relationship happening between us?"
"What part is my self-contained, preconceived fantasy of happy love
and what part is an unexpected, emergent experience
happening for the first time here and now?"                    

56    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

              6. Communication & Companionship.

     Being social creatures, we human beings seldom prefer isolation.
We want to reach out and communicate with other people.
We seek to overcome our separateness and create meaningful relationships.
Sometimes this need leads us to have casual conversations with strangers
—about the weather, our jobs, classes, politics, sports, almost anything.
Solitary confinement is a punishment
precisely because it cuts off human communication and companionship.
But many of us outside prison walls still feel a need for contact.

     When we long for companionship without any specific person in mind,
we often find ourselves gravitating toward social gatherings or clubs
where superficial conversation and companionship will be available.
If our abstract, general need for companionship is strong,
we might not be very particular about partners.
Many people could potentially satisfy our need to talk,
as long as there is some recognizable human response to what we say.
Sometimes just being with a group of people can overcome our loneliness.

     Or we might preserve unsatisfactory relationships
because we prefer any communication and any companionship to loneliness.
Even living-together relationships are sometimes based on these prior needs.
Living half alone might seem better than living all alone.    
And some married couples get along famously by fighting all the time.
Evidently this kind of communication and response serves a useful purpose.
Even anger-and-shouting is better than silence-and-loneliness.

     When we sought companionship to fill our internal void,
we were quite open to casual conversations—office talk, party talk.
But as we become more whole, we become less chatty and more focused.
And our desires for companionship are more specifically directed:
Now we choose to be with people with whom we have already experienced
personal sharing relevant to our Authentic life-projects. 
We are less dependent on empty conversation to fill the gaps.
And our conversations might improve in both the quality and quantity.

     So universal is the longing for companionship, have we assumed
it as the basic motivation for forming relationships and getting married?
But as we become more autonomous and self-inventing,
we begin to see the possibility of creating loving relationships not based
on internal, preconceived hopes for communication and companionship.
As we become more Authentic, we leave behind our former deficiencies,
which forced us into dependent relationships because we were so lonely.
Our emptiness and uncertainty are replaced by wholeness and direction.
Perhaps we value solitude to pursue our comprehensive life-projects.
And we no longer force conversation on those who are not interested.
Meaningful communication and companionship become valued luxuries,
which we appreciate, especially when they support our Authentic tasks.
Because we no longer have an abstract, prior need for companionship,
our emergent loving relationships can be better than ever.

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                57

            7. Relationship Structure.

     Most of us want our loves to conform to predetermined patterns
so that we can understand our relationships and explain them to others.
We need an intelligible, socially-recognized structure for love;
we want to adopt an accepted model of interpersonal relationships.
Every culture on earth has a stock of standard social relationships
—each with a name, description, & traditions.
And every society pressures its members
to live within one of the approved models for relationships.

     For instance, most of us make up our minds to get married
long before we enter into actual relationships with potential spouses.
Some women even make detailed wedding plans before selecting a groom.
Thus, marriage is a life-style thoroly defined by the culture
—a structured relationship into which we try to fit ourselves.

     This desire for a socially-sanctioned relationship structure
is often a quest for an appropriate social concept for ourselves.
And we have only a limited stock from which to choose:
Are we single, married, divorced, separated, bachelor, spinster, what?
Occasionally we are asked to check one of these boxes,
which is supposed to provide a lot of information about us.
But if we are really singular persons with original relationships,
can we squeeze ourselves into one of these pigeon-holes? 

     If our relationships do not fit the conventional categories
(all of which derive their meaning from the institution of marriage),
perhaps we want alternative relationships:
communes, living together, group marriage,
roommates, homosexual couple, swinging single.
Often we hear people say,
"I never want to get married, but I would consider living with someone."
Thus (as with marriage) the meaning of "living with"
has been thoroly defined even before any relationship begins.
Alternative patterns might be just as preconceived as the others.     

     We crave definite structures for our lives
because we want to know where we stand in relation to other people.
We sometimes abandon ambiguous and non-permanent relationships
—even when they are happy and fulfilling—
because they do not satisfy our need for a clear structure.

     Many of us want to formalize our loving relationships
thru the official, state-recognized institution of marriage
—perhaps hoping thereby to give our love a firm, clear structure.
But experience shows that official coupledness
gives only the illusion of security and stability.
A 'family' has been established with all its traditions,
but in practice we still must maintain our own relationships.

58    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

     If we are unconventional, perhaps we scorn legal relationships,
but we might still be imposing preconceived structures on each other.
Coupledness and exclusiveness are not limited to marriage;
nor is the dichotomy "either you love me or you don't".
In a relationship dispute, we often hear (or speak) words like these:
"Are you my man (woman) or aren't you?"
Instead of appreciating the subtleties of the actual relationship,
someone is trying to impose the paradigm of exclusive possession.
Relatives might also urge us toward an intelligible pattern for love
by asking us exactly what kind of relationship we have.

     Once we accept a definite model, it answers some questions:
How long can we expect this relationship to last?
What can we hope for, plan for, work for, save for?
Is sex appropriate in this relationship?
Each relationship model has its own traditions and expectations.

     Sometimes we use marriage or some other defined relationship
as a way of entering a different social class or sub-culture.
When we marry or divorce, some friends disappear from our lives,
because they can't see us as the same persons
now that we have different official relationships.

     A man might find marriage essential for business or profession:
He needs a wife and children to give him the image of a family man.
If he lacked these supporting characters in his life-script
(who prove that he is normal, successful, trustworthy, & responsible),
he would be a little strange and suspect,
perhaps "unreliable", "undependable", "unwilling to commit himself", etc.

     Putting ourselves into the pre-existing structure of marriage
gives us recognition as adults in our culture.
Once married, we count as real persons;
whereas prior to marriage we "have not yet settled down". 

     All the rules and expectations of marriage were spelled out
long before we meet anyone to marry—even before we were born.
And sometimes we sacrifice our personal identities to these roles:
We might be more committed to marriage than to our current spouse.
When one marriage fails, instead of questioning the institution,  
we plug a different person into the same preconceived structure.

     However, other possible structures are not preconceived
—the emergent, flexible, changing structures of Authentic relationships.
Instead of adopting socially recognized roles and patterns,
we can devise our own lives, including our own ways of loving.
We can think carefully and creatively about our loving relationships
—not limiting ourselves to patterns already tried.
We can create utterly new models for our own personal relationships
—new ways of loving, arising from the unique persons we are becoming.

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                59

     The specific forms of each Authentic loving relationship
—how we actually structure our time together—
will depend on what we are fundamentally trying to do with our lives
—our ultimate concerns or comprehensive projects-of-being.
If, for instance, one of our projects involves direct contact with people
for the purpose of helping them to re-define and re-design their lives,
then a loving relationship might include
support and suggestions about how to pursue this purpose.

     If we are truly singular and irreplaceable persons,
we will devise ways of being together that will never be repeated.
And after our singular relationship has emerged,
there will be no easy way to describe it to other people:
Our love will not correspond to any of the ready-made models.

     As we grow more Authentic, we abandon preconceived structures
and create unique, flexible, & open loving relationships
in which we support one another's Authentic projects-of-being.

          There are no rules about leaping into the new
          because nobody has ever been there before.      —Corita Kent

          B. Emergent Values.

     Becoming more Authentic means transcending our enculturation
and inventing our own patterns of life and love
—centered around our freely-chosen projects-of-being.
As we become more self-creating, a new internal wholeness emerges,
which reduces our needs for security, approval, sex,
affection & intimacy, communication & companionship,
& socially-approved structures for our relationships.
When good relationships emerge, we appreciate them,
but we no longer organize our love-lives to satisfy prior needs.

     In the process of actually pursuing our comprehensive projects,
we will probably meet many people,
some of whom might notice our autonomy and wholeness
and become open to loving relationships based on Authenticity.
These would be unsought and unexpected relationships,
arising from the unpredictable interaction of two unique persons.

     As we reflect on our past relationships, we can ask: 
How much of each relationship was based on internal, prior needs
(wishes and expectations either of us brought to the relationship)
and how much simply emerged from our actual experience of each other?
As we become better organized around our Authentic projects-of-being,
our new loving relationships will arise more in this experiential way:
Instead of seeking relationships to satisfy our pre-existing needs,
we simply become open to the people we meet.
If two of us come to understand and appreciate each other as persons,
a unique, non-conventional loving relationship might begin to emerge.   

60    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

     Since it is difficult to discuss emergent values in the abstract,
I will recount some discoveries in two of my own loving relationships.
The particular interactions we created were new and unexpected.
The values that emerged in each relationship
belong to that particular time in our lives.
If we were to begin relating again today,
something completely different would happen,
because we are no longer the same persons we were then.

     Perhaps these stories will inspire others
to review their own relationships with an eye to discovering
the unique qualities that emerged in particular loving relationships
—unexpected wonders that simply developed from interaction.

             1. Emergent Values in my Relationship with Pat.

     When I first met Pat (not her real name) in a Free University class,
I did not think of her in terms of some needs she might satisfy.
For months we just saw each other once a week across a room.
But as we began to understand each other and relate more deeply
—seeing each other outside of the group—
I began to enjoy her because of the person she was (and was becoming).
As far as I can honestly tell,
I had no free-floating, pre-existing longings or desires
waiting inside me for someone to latch onto.
But I began to experience valuable and deep communication with Pat,
which neither of us could have predicted
when we first began to know each other.
In fact, we were both quite closed persons when we first met.
This was especially true of Pat:
Only a few people had communicated deeply with her;
no one had really understood her.
Up until this time she had kept her 'loves' outside of herself,
under her guidance and control—using her men.
Thus (altho I did not know it at the time),
there was no reason to expect a deep loving relationship between us.
On the basis of past experience, neither of us could have predicted it.

     But a good relationship nevertheless began to emerge.
In its first phase, we talked about her marriage.
I think Pat could be open with me about her marital disappointments
because she knew I had no expectations of her.
I was a contented, peaceful, & fulfilled person.
I had no pre-existing desires with which to burden her.

     This early sharing deepened into caring.
We began to look forward to our times together
because we enjoyed being in each other's company.
A beautiful, unexpected relationship was beginning to emerge.

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                            61

     As we began to know and appreciate each other more deeply,
we gradually became committed to each other.
Once we had begun to love, we knew we wanted to continue. 
We had not expected this relationship beforehand;
we simply created it one phase at a time by being together.
We surprised ourselves by the depth of possibilities in this love.
Our relationship emerged without any prior expectations,
arising from the unique and irreplaceable persons we were.

     The most surprising and unpredictable aspect of our relationship
was the emergence of Pat's interest in Existential Freedom.
When we first met, I had no indication that she might be able
to understand and share my existential concerns.
She did not seem any more aware of her Existential Predicament
than most of the people I knew.

    [Pat's marginal note:
    "Certainly you couldn't have been aware of this
    when we first met—in fact it hadn't emerged yet—
    but I was interested in Existential Freedom
    long before you were aware of it.
    I discovered this later when you showed surprise
    that this was one of the reasons I wanted to know you
    (most important reason, in fact)."]

     After Pat dissolved her marriage
(a process that took up most of her energy for several months),
she turned her attention to her existential purposelessness,
despair, anxiety, & boredom—her Existential Malaise.
Altho she did not initially seem to be especially inward,
she was intensely subjective and sensitive to her inner dynamics.

     I had not expected Pat to understand my Existential Freedom,
because this aspect of my being had never been understood before.
Perhaps I hoped that someone would appreciate my inner Freedom,
but this was definitely not a pre-existing yearning
that I was holding in check until the right person came along.
I did not expect Pat to appreciate this dimension of my being,
but this is just what happened—a really marvelous, emergent event.

     Originally, as our love was developing,
I was content to relate with her in other dimensions
—talking about her marriage, relating with her emotionally,
really enjoying being with her as a warm, sensitive, loving person.
But I was amazed to discover
that besides being able to relate on all these levels,
she was also able to share my deep, esoteric existential concerns.
Being this deeply understood by another person is a luxury,
something I appreciate when I happens, but which I do not expect. 

62    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

     Not only did Pat come to understand my Existential Freedom,
but she made the quest for freedom from her Existential Malaise
central to her life, making our relationship closer than ever.

     Then our love entered a third phase—multiple loving—
when Pat also developed a strong and deep relationship with Doug.
From the start, we had both been open to other loving relationships;
and it worked quite well in our experience.
But multiple loving is the subject of another chapter in this book.

     Because our relationship revolved around unique, emergent values
rather than needs, wishes, or desires either of us had beforehand,
when Pat and I could not be together,
I did not consider for a moment finding someone else to be with.
Our special sharing could never be duplicated in another relationship.
No one else can ever be Pat for me!
When she spent a summer in Europe, I did not seek someone else to love.

     The love that blossomed between us produced a unique flower,
but our wonderful relationship did not turn into possessiveness.
I did not 'need' Pat in the sense that I demanded her presence
when she wanted to be alone or with other people.
I respected and valued her spirit and independence.
And I was pleased when her relationship with Doug was going well.

     There was one short period, however,
when I did need Pat in a dependent way.
This happened during my experiment with my Existential Predicament.
I became quite attached to Pat,
needing to be with her even when she wanted to be alone. 
Because I was depressed and anxious, I needed someone to cheer me up.
And because we already had a relationship, I used her to feel better.
I found myself 'hanging around' her in order to cover my bad feelings.
But when I noticed what a poor reason this was for being with her,
I removed myself in order to avoid using her.  
And when I returned to Existential Freedom,
I could once again love Pat without clinging to her.

     For its duration, our loving relationship was free and open,
because we were not using each other to satisfy prior needs.
We imposed no obligations on each other;
and our relationship was not colored by expectations.
Our love grew out of our experience of us together.
And when we began to move in different directions,
the values that had once been the essence of our love disappeared;
and our relationship was not renewed.
But because our love was a luxury rather than a necessity,
I did not experience the ending of our relationship as painful.
Nothing can take away the rich, meaningful experiences
we shared during those days in both of our lives.                      

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                                   63

        2. Emergent Values in my Relationship with Sara.

     When Sara and I first met, we did not expect love between us.
She was happy in her marriage, which many people regarded as ideal.
Nevertheless, as we came to know each other better in classes and later
in working on manuscripts together, a good relationship developed.
We enjoyed being present with each other and sharing our deep concerns.

     Sara helped me create the first two editions of this book.
In fact, I printed the second edition in her basement.
Sara (not her real name) read and commented on most of the chapters,
providing important new ideas and helping me eliminate some foolish ones.

     During the years we knew each other, I experienced Sara as
a very sensitive, passionate, & compassionate person.
And because she had first-hand experience with the problems
most people face (marriage, child-rearing, changing relationships),
whenever we appeared together in classes or lectures,
people usually found it easier to identify with her than with me. 
Participants in our Authentic love classes often appreciated
seeing two contrasting personalities deal with the same issues.

     A good relationship also emerged between her son and me.
(He was in the elementary grades during this time.)
We liked reading together, building things, swimming in the summer,
and having "question time", when he asked any questions he liked.
I deeply enjoyed this role as uncle or honorary parent.

     Sara and I built our loving relationship on freedom and choice.
We did things together when we both wanted to.
When our interest did not match, we pursued them independently.
Because we never lived together, our relationship was very flexible.
Later in our relationship, Sara developed some other loving relationships.
But because our relationship was utterly unique, jealousy did not arise.

     We grew and changed during the four years of our active loving.
Our life-purposes were re-focused and re-defined.
Sara moved into and out of other relationships.
She got divorced.  (Some years later she re-married.)

     We had made no promises for the distant future.
In every now of our relationship, we re-committed ourselves.
As our self-definitions diverged more and more radically,
we discovered that we no longer had much in common,
and we gradually went our separate ways.

     During our best years, we understood and respected each other.
I have no regrets about sharing those wonderful years with Sara.
Even if the best of loves must ultimately come to an end,
during the years of our closeness, we deeply appreciated each other.    

64  NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

        3. Emergent Values in other Relationships.

     I have valued something different in each woman I have known.
And I think each of them appreciated something different in me.
In no case were we merely satisfying pre-existing expectations
either of us had for a generic man or woman.

     We had no prior purposes in mind as these friendships developed.
In each relationship, whether long or short, close or distant,
we simply discovered each other in our specialness.
And I have never tried to duplicate any of these emergent values.

      In one woman, I appreciated deep feeling and compassion.
Because she had suffered deeply herself,
she could better understand the sufferings of others.

      I appreciated women who work with the deep dimensions of life
—not just the physical, social, & psychological problems—
but the questions of human meaning, existential anxiety, & death.
Each woman had her own unique approach to these problems. 

      I admire one woman who understands people quickly and incisively.
She perceives their fundamental personal dynamics almost immediately.
This woman has been very helpful in group settings,
where she notices the interactions of the members I miss at first.

      The creative mind of another woman intrigues me. 
She always comes up with new and unexpected insights and connections.

      The special sensibilities of artistic friends have delighted me.
Each brought her own special attunement to shared experiences.

      I have enjoyed philosophical interchange with women
who were genuinely interested in the human issues that concern me.
Some of these have been happy to help me review my writings,
each contributing a unique perspective.

      Women who challenge my self-concept have helped me grow.
It is good to re-think something I have not examined for awhile.
Each woman has helped me explore a different dimension of myself.

      The sharing of my spiritual interests has also enriched my life
—and I hope the lives of those who have shared their spirits with me.
Because they all differed in their approaches to spiritual questions,
each encounter on the level of spirit was unique and unrepeatable.
I have always been happy to discover other persons of spirit,
people who have such signs of spirit as: self-transcendence, self-criticism,
freedom, creativity, love, existential anxiety, & the gift of joy.

     If you take a few moments to review your best relationships,
perhaps you also will discover that the wonder of these loves
consisted not in the satisfaction of your pre-existing, internal needs
but in the emergence of values you did not imagine beforehand.   

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                                   65

II. LOVE AS A NEED vs. LOVE AS A LUXURY

     Having distinguished pre-existing needs and emergent values,
we can explore even more explicitly the two kinds of love that arise:

    A. Love Based on Prior Needs.

     Some people endorse need as a solid basis for love. 
They seek to maximize vulnerability and dependence
in order to secure their relationships.
They want to make themselves indispensable to each other
—necessities so that the people they 'love' will not "just walk away".

    "I need you in order to be happy.
    Without you I would be miserable and lost.
    My life is incomplete without you.
    You are a part of my being;
    without you I seem to be only half a person."

Such comments come from the dependent partner in a relationship
—altho the partners might be mutually dependent.
When 'love' arises from pre-existing, internal needs and wants,
the absence of the current love-object creates loneliness and insecurity.

     Someone who enjoys being depended upon says things like these:

    "I want to be missed.  I want you to need me.
    I want you to feel deprived when I am not with you. 
    If you can be happy without me, what kind of love is that?
    'Out of sight—out of mind'?
    If you can 'take me or leave me', you don't really love me.
    That might be casual friendship but not love.
    Real love is measured by your vulnerability.
    Love is best when you absolutely need me
    —when you ask yourself 'What would I do without you?' 
    When my absence causes you to suffer,
    then I know you really love me;
    I feel secure in our relationship, even when we are apart."

These statements are not as well disguised as they might normally be,
but possibly we have heard or felt similar sentiments.
At least we notice that many of the love-patterns of our culture
are designed precisely to make people dependent on each other
—not just legally bound in marriage but psychologically dependent—
thus diminishing the temptation of 'greener pastures'.

     When love arises from deficiencies, it often becomes a burden.
If you need my love, if you can't get along without me,
then I might feel burdened by your need.
I can no longer freely and joyfully give my love to you;
I must continue loving you because I know you need me.
This distorts love, changing it into obligation and resentment.   

66  NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK
 
     B. Love as a Luxury, rather than a Necessity.

     Love is best when free and open—voluntarily given, not demanded.
Such relationships never become burdens or duties.

     We become dependent on necessities.
We need them for our emotional, psychological, or social well-being.

     We enjoy, value, & appreciate luxuries when we have them,
but we can get along quite happily without our favorite luxuries.

     Thus we can ask:  Is our relationship more a necessity or a luxury?
Do we feel just as happy and complete when we are alone? 
Or does being apart make us miserable?

     A loving relationship can be a joyous luxury in our lives
—a free giving of each to each, without expectations or demands.
We can deeply treasure and value our times together
and still be able to separate without pain.

     My relationships with Pat and Sara were more luxury than necessity.
We were whole and independent persons,
able to share our most important dimensions when that suited us
and able to stand alone when that seemed best.
Added to our lives, which were quite full and complete by themselves,
our relationships were wonderful luxuries.
Our lives were rich and meaningful on their own.

     Abraham Maslow describes loving without needing—love as a luxury—
as the kind of relationships enjoyed by self-actualizing persons:

         What we see in the love relationship
    is a fusion of great ability to love
    and at the same time great respect for the other
    and great respect for one's self.
    This shows itself in the fact that these people cannot be said
    in the ordinary sense of the word to need each other
    as do ordinary lovers.
    They can be extremely close together and yet go apart quite easily.
    They do not cling to each other
    or have hooks or anchors of any kind.
    One has the definite feeling that they enjoy each other tremendously
    but would take philosophically a long separation or death.
    Throughout the most intense and ecstatic love affairs,
    these people remain themselves
    and remain masters of themselves as well,
    living by their own standards
    even though enjoying each other intensely.

    [Abraham Maslow "Love in Healthy People" in The Meaning of Love,
    edited by Ashley Montagu (New York: Julian Press, 1953) p. 86]                            

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                67

III. I-IT USING vs. I-THOU ENCOUNTER

     The range of possible 'loving' relationships has already been described by these opposites: pre-existing needs vs. emergent values
and love as a need vs. love as a luxury.
The same contrast can be stated: I-It using vs. I-Thou encounter.
Martin Buber in I and Thou describes the poles of this range:

         To man the world is twofold,
    in accordance with his twofold attitude.
         The attitude of man is twofold,
    in accordance with the twofold nature
    of the primary words which he speaks.
         The primary words are not isolated words, but combined words.
         The one primary word is the combination I-Thou.
         The other primary word is the combination I-It;
    wherein, without change in the primary word,
    one of the words He and She can replace It;
         Hence the I of man is also twofold. 
         For the I of the primary word I-Thou
    is a different I from that of the primary word I-It....
         The primary word I-Thou can only be spoken with the whole being.
         The primary word I-It can never be spoken with the whole being.

    [Martin Buber I and Thou, translated by Ronald Gregor Smith
    (New York: Scribners, 1958) p. 3]

     In the world of It, we experience and use things.
The primary word I-It is the word of separation
—the word that raises the barrier between subject and object.
The primary word I-Thou expresses the mutual openness of two subjects.

     The I-It connection is the way we usually manipulate things,
the material objects within our world.
And the I-Thou encounter is an intensely personal meeting of selves.

     When extended to human relationships, this polarity distinguishes
the most It-oriented love from the most Thou-oriented love.
At the It end of the scale, the other person serves some function;      
he or she might easily be replaced by someone else
who could perform the same function equally well—or even better.
At the Thou end of the scale, we love beyond experiencing and using.    
Such relationships arise not from conventional roles we play
but from our incomparable, irreplaceable individualities. 

     Unfortunately, much 'love' is primarily I-It need-gratification.
Playing a part in such a love-script does not require our whole beings.
Our singularity almost vanishes.
In fact, when we merely satisfy pre-existing needs,
we might do better by not getting personally involved.
Being present as whole complex persons might hopelessly complicate
what 'should' be a very simple role-relationship.                      

68    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

     If we shop for relationships while we are filled with I-It needs,
we have foredoomed every resulting relationship
to revolve around the satisfaction of our pre-existing needs.
A need-based, I-It connection might conceivably later become
a relationship in which I-Thou encounter becomes possible,
but this is less likely if we chose each other to satisfy prior needs.
If we begin by using each other for sex, security, or companionship,
how likely are we later to encounter each other as whole persons?
As Buber says: I-It using never involves the whole being.
I-Thou encounter always embraces the whole being.

     In I-Thou encounter two whole, irreplaceable persons meet,
transcending all the categories and concepts that usually separate us.
Whenever preconceptions and expectations intrude between us,
we are experiencing each other in generic terms
instead of appreciating each other in our uniqueness and singularity.
But when these prior dreams and conceptual frameworks fall away,
then two non-reproducible, non-describable persons might meet.
We cannot create I-Thou encounters; they arise unexpectedly.
But perhaps being addressed by another whole, Authentic person
will call us toward human wholeness and greater Authenticity.

     Here is Buber's own description of the I-Thou encounter:

         The relation to the Thou is direct.
    No system of ideas, no foreknowledge,
    and no fancy intervene between I and Thou.
    The memory itself is transformed,
    as it plunges out of its isolation into the unity of the whole.
    No aim, no lust, and no anticipation
    intervene between I and Thou.
    Desire itself is transformed
    as it plunges out of its dream into the appearance. 
    Every means is an obstacle.
    Only when every means has collapsed does the meeting come about.

    [Martin Buber I and Thou p. 11-12]
    
     John Macquarrie clarifies Buber's meaning further.
(Macquarrie uses the word "concern" in a rather special way:
"Concern" is the kind of caring we usually exhibit toward things.)
    
    There are, he tells us, two primary words, 'I-Thou' and 'I-It,'
    and these reflect two primary ways in which we may relate ourselves.
    The first distinction he makes between them is this:
    'The primary word "I-Thou" can only be spoken with the whole being.
    The primary word "I-It" can never be spoken with the whole being.'
    Such primary words then are more than mere labels
    or logical operators.  They have existential force.
    'When a primary word is spoken,
    the speaker enters the word and takes his stand in it.'  

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                69

         What does Buber mean by saying 'I-Thou' language
    is spoken with the whole being,
    'I-it' language never with the whole being?
    We get a clue to this if we reflect again on the nature of concern,
    the attitude that finds expression in the 'I-It' language.
    Concern has to do with the satisfaction of some particular need,
    and that with which we are concerned
    is considered as an instrument.  Concern is partial
    and that with which we are concerned remains external to us.
    In the 'I-Thou' relation, however, we relate totally 
    to the other and we do so by becoming open to him. 
    He is not just externally 'there' for us;
    nor is he an end to some satisfaction beyond himself.

    [John Macquarrie Existentialism (Baltimore: Penguin Books, 1973) p. 80]

     Once we have appreciated the deep presence of each other,
we might hope to become open to each other again,
but we cannot force or re-create such encounters.
We can only prepare ourselves for such rare and wonderful moments
by becoming open to our own deepest beings and to each other.
Continuous I-Thou encounter is impossible,
but we can create relationships in which personal meeting happens.

     Unfortunately, such intense moments of sharing always end;
every I-Thou encounter eventually returns to the world of It:

    But this is the exalted melancholy of our fate,
    that every Thou in our world must become an It.
    It does not matter how exclusively present
    the Thou was in the direct relation.                     
    As soon as the relation has been worked out
    or has been permeated with a means,
    the Thou becomes an object among objects—perhaps the chief,
    but still one of them, fixed in its size and limits. 
    ....
    And love itself cannot persist in direct relation. 
    It endures, but in the interchange of actual and potential being.
    The human being who was even now single and unconditioned,
    not something lying to hand, only present...
    has now become again a He or a She,  
    a sum of qualities, a given quantity with a certain shape.
    Now I may take out from him again
    the colour of his hair or of his speech or of his goodness.
    But as long as I can do this he is no more my Thou 
    and cannot yet be my Thou again. 

    [Martin Buber I and Thou p. 16-17]

70    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

IV. WHEN NEEDING TURNS INTO USING

     Our culture teaches us how to use relationships to satisfy our needs
rather than how to become open to other persons Authentically.
When 'love' arises from pre-existing, internal needs and wants,
it very quickly becomes a relationship of using.

     There is a strange alchemy of words here.
Perhaps we defend the idea of needing love, sex, affection, etc.
But when the resulting connections are called "using", we think again.
Most of us do not want to use other people.
But a using relationship is the natural result
of 'love' based primarily on self-centered, pre-existing needs.

     Buber says that everything in the world of It
allows itself to be taken but does not give itself.
On the other hand, the Thou can only give itself; Thou can never be taken.
If our 'loving relationship' is based on general, internal needs,
we might allow ourselves to be taken and used by each other,
but we soon stop giving ourselves.
"There is no point in giving myself
if you are already taking as much as I want you to have!" 
Using relationships often turn into accounting games,
in which each tries to get a fair share without giving up too much.
We begin to measure and compare how much each has 'given' the other.

     There are rational people who would defend such a system,
altho they might not call it "love".
As long as the exchange is balanced, the relationship is fair.
But giving differs fundamentally from taking:
Giving freely offers what was not even expected;
taking demands something as a right.
When prior needs and desires form the foundation of 'love',
it easily degenerates into 'equal taking' or 'mutual exploitation'.
Like two blood suckers sucking on each other,
the arrangement is fair as long as they suck equal amounts of blood.

     However, as we grow more whole and complete within ourselves,
we will transcend the needs that formerly shaped our relationships.
And new kinds of relationships will become possible for us,
loves based not on prior expectations but on warm loving encounter.
When love emerges from appreciation and respect rather than prior needs,
it will not easily degenerate into mutual using and demanding of rights.
With careful attention—guarding against the development of patterns—
we can keep our relationships always fresh, open, & free.

    If my world is not sufficient without thee, my friend,
    I will wait till it is and then call thee.
    You shall come to a palace, not to an almshouse.
                                                    —Henry David Thoreau                

Chapter 4   LOVING WITHOUT NEEDING   by JAMES PARK                                                71

V. WHAT TO DO ABOUT NEEDING LOVE

     If we discover within ourselves strong needs for
security, approval, sex, affection, companionship, etc.,
we should not try to deny them or to cover them up.
Suppressing our desires only makes matters worse.
Resisting and fighting against our deepest ingrained wishes
will not make our hungers and yearnings disappear.
Denial will only make us guilty and frustrated persons.

     Even relationships based on need can enhance growth
—if we are completely clear about our needs and dependencies.
We all began life dependent on our parents.
And some of us carried this need for support into our early loves.
But even dependent relationships can help us to become independent.
(This is what all good parents hope for their children:
that they will mature and be able to stand on their own feet.)
Perhaps we will temporarily accept a dependent relationship
—until we no longer need to lean on the other person.
Then the relationship might be ended or changed into something new.
For example, perhaps we married when we were young and immature
—possibly hoping for a substitute mother or father.
But gradually we gained more self-confidence and self-assurance,
until finally we no longer needed the old relationship.

     However, we might not want to outgrow our need for love.
We might prefer secure, need-filling, permanent relationships.
Love comes in infinite variety; we must create our own versions.
Even romance and marriage allow some flexibility. 
But loving beyond needing provides the most room to grow. 

     If we decide to love without needing and using,
the road to such liberating relationships lies thru Authenticity.
As we grow more autonomous and self-creating,
our immature needs slowly give way to interior strength and wholeness:
No longer scrambling after external security and the approval of others,
we build our own internal security and self-esteem.
When the bubble of romantic fantasies bursts,
we can abandon romance and replace it with deeper relationships.
Instead of being impelled by impersonal, imprinted sex-drives,
we can learn to use our sexuality for communicating love. 
Real affection and intimacy replace our preconceived dreams.
And rather than squeezing ourselves into the ready-made models
for communication, companionship, & relationship structures,
we evolve our own special ways of being together.

     In short, while we still feel our needs, we must live with them.
But as we begin to create ourselves as more autonomous persons,
we will no longer have to manage our needs and wants;
they will slowly disappear as we become more whole within ourselves.   

72    NEW WAYS OF LOVING: HOW AUTHENTICITY TRANSFORMS RELATIONSHIPS  by JAMES PARK

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