difficult to knowwhere to look, so I choose upwards.
Unfortunately, the ceiling is mirrored, making it the
single worst place of all. The couple keep snogging. Is
pampering always this awkward?
As massage time nears, I make my excuses and leave.
As long as the masseur isn’t a distractingly attractive
lady (too weird) or a massive bloke (too painful), I can
relax. A young, unthreatening-looking gent starts
prepping towels.
Perfect!
I think, until he wanders
off down the corridor. “Please come with me,” says a
breathy voice behind me. It belongs to Véronique, who is
to be my distractingly attractive masseuse. She takes me
into the treatment room and gives me a little package.
“
Take your shorts off and put these on,” she says, leaving
the room. This is not a good sign.
Inside is a paper thong so infinitesimal as to be
practically nonexistent. Not only is there no way that
these two scrunchy triangles will cover either side of
my anatomy, I have no idea which way round to put
them on. I picture the scenario from Véronique’s POV:
if I was staring down at my own backside, I would
definitely want the bigger triangle covering the view.
I would also want a new job. I slip the pants on one
way, but it’s impossible to preserve my modesty, let
alone avoid arrest. When I try them the other way
round, it’s all acorn and no pouch, so to speak.
With time running out, I go back to plan A, then lie
face down on the table, flinching with inward laughter
as Véronique re-enters and begins the awkwardest,
most intimate massage of my entire life. In fact, I haven’t
been this thoroughly touched up to panpipe music since
Glastonbury 1997. Véronique’s hands glide right up to
my rear and it occurs to me I’mmeant to be wearing the
pants the other way round, freeing up the most buttock
area for this poor lady. I would find this weird even I
wasn’t wearing tiny paper Speedos – after all, I’ve got a
girlfriend, friends who are girls, a mum – and I fail to see
what’s so relaxing about institutionalised indecent
exposure. Thirty excruciating minutes later and it’s
finally over.
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