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PERSPECTIVE
BoydFarrow
wonderswhywe
cando anythingwith technology
exceptmakeother technologywork
Dispatches from theglobal frontline
hile there’s been a surge in espionage-themed
TVdramas, for all-out thrills nothingmatches
24
, inwhich intelligence agent JackBauer
has 24hours to save theworld fromvarious
bad guys, while smoking out the rogue
operativeswhohave infiltratedhis team.
Part of these shows’ appeal is surely that these special crime
units tap intoourownworkplaceparanoia,which isheightened
by thegrowingprevalenceof access codes, swipe cards and
rooms crammedwithmysterious servers. Thesedays everyone
is convinced that they’re constantlyunder surveillanceand that
half their colleagues are impostors.
Yet there isonebigdifferencebetweenBauer’sworldand
ours: spies arenever scupperedby theirown technology.
Indeed,whatever their assigned task–producing the
“schematic” of anybuilding in theworld, say, ordisabling
asecuritycamera– theycando it in just threekeystrokes.
Theycanunclog thephotocopier in four.
Evenmore impressively, theycanget anyoneon their
phoneat any time. Theyneverneedachargeror to fret
about network coverage. Theydon’t evenpunch inanumber.
Bauer, danglingbyone leg fromahelicopter landing skid, can
simplygrowl intohishand: “Patchme through to thePresident,”
andhe’ll hear: “I’mhere, Jack. I’mwith theChiefofStaff and
Bono.Whatdoyouneed?”
And that is theexactmomentwhenour suspended
disbelief snaps. For
nobody
in thehistoryofofficeshas ever
beenable to transfer acall through to
anyoneelse
, even
if theperson is sitting threemetres away. In reality, the
simplest technology isbafflingandonlycauses stress. And
that’s just in theworkplace,where there’s an IThelpdesk.
Business trips are increasinglybecoming technological
assault courses. Trackers red-flagour elevatedheart rates
even thoughwe’reonly late forour crucialmeetingbecause
GoogleMaps surmised thatwewere inLondon,
Kentucky
.
Weache from clattering intodoltswho checkemails as they
the traveller
walk. Theguywhosebackpacknearlyconcussedyou in the
taxi queue iswearingaRamonesT-shirt–howurgent can
his
communiquéspossiblybe?
Andyetweare in thrall togadgetry, schleppingaround
kitwebarelyuseandwhichwill beobsolete longbefore its
next outing. Our luggagebleeps and throbswithphones
smart enough to find theirownwayhome; tablets so small
they’re ingestible; laptops so thinweget paper-cuts;
e-readers that bondwith speakers; headphones that gossip
with toothbrushes. Andobviously twopairsof glasses–one
for reading tinydisplays, one for finding thedeviceamid
thenest of cablesonourbed.
Whichall leads to thequestion: dowe trulyneed theApple
Watch?This is the
tchotchke
that perform the same tasks as
all otherAppledevices–apart from themost useful,making
phone calls–but is small enough to slipdownaplughole.
While the imminent arrival of thewatchmay thrill teenagers
andplumbers, very few frequent travellershavebeenagitating
for awayof strappingall their apps andgizmos to theirwrists
whilemakingeverything somuchharder to see. Especially
whendetailsof thewatch’sbattery lifeareevenmorehazy.
The technological breakthroughs every roadwarriorwould
far rather seeare: standardisedplug sockets, compatiblephone
networks and seamlesswi-fi connectivity. Although itwould
alsobenice tohackStarwood’s
reservations systemonce inawhile
andupgradeourselves to the
Presidential Suite.
Of course, itwould
thenbeprettyhard to
resist calling room
serviceand saying:
“I have thePresident
here. I’mpatching
you through.”
49
JULY 2015
ILLUSTRATION:BEADYEYES
