INTHEMEN’SBATHROOM
inthebasementofKings
Theatre inBrooklyn,NewYork,competitorsstudy
mirrors intently, searching forany loosestrands in
hirsutereflections.Themood istense,andtheonly
sound isthehissofhairspray.
Onecompetitor iscorrallinghis facialhair intoa
FrankGehry-esquecreationofcurlsand loops.He
isa freestyler—competitivebearding’scategoryof
internationalbadboys.
Anotherusesacombtogentlystrokebeautifulcurly
red lockswhichflow likeanangel’sweavedowntohis
chest.He isaFullBeardNatural,bearding’sheartthrob
category.Tonight,Zeuswilling,hisname—Steve
Pofelski—willbe lodged forever, likeanoldpieceof
kale, inthecollectivebeardofregionalgreatness.
AsIscuffle fromthebathroom, feeling likean
intruder inanNFL lockerroombeforetheSuper
Bowl, Icoverthebottomofmy facewithmyhand
bypretendingthatIhaveapersistent itchonboth
cheekbones. (It’snotthefirsttimetodayI’veusedthis
tricktohidemyshamefulscruff.)
Welcometothe2015NationalBeardand
MoustacheChampionships,wherebristleenvy is
epidemic.Upstairs, themainevent is in fullswing.
Competitorsmarchtowardastage, someofthem
wavingtheflagsoftheirhomestates.Manywear
elaboratecostumestoshowcasetheir facialhair.
There’saColonelSandersdoppelgängersporting
apitch-perfectwhitemoustache-and-goatee
combinationknown inthe industryasaMusketeer.
There isaNike-brandedtennisplayerwhosedense
beardhasbeentrimmed,withtheskillofaVersailles
groundskeeper, intoaswoosh jutting fromhis face.
There’saguywhonotonlysportsaSalvadorDali-ish
moustacheonthe frontofhis facebuthasthesame
lookshorn intothebackofhishead.And, thisbeing
Brooklyn—thenation’scapitalofthe lumber-sexual—
therearehipsterwoodsmeneverywhereyou look.
Thecensustakershavebeennegligentonthisdata,
butBrooklynhastobeNewYorkCity’smostbearded
borough. (Takethat,StatenIsland!)Sincemovinghere
a fewyearsback,my formerlybaby-soft facehas,of
itsownaccord,grownapatchythicketofbeardand
moustachehair,andIdon’tevenmind.Thenotionthat
it isaestheticallyacceptabletonotgroommy facehas
reallyappealedtomy innerMickFoley.
Watchingthesebeautifullycoiffedmensaunterby,
Irealizethe fundamentalerrorofmyways:Having
abeard isnotarighttobeexercisedbythe lazy. It
isaresponsibility.Today’scompetitorstakethe
stagetocompete instrictlydefinedcategories.AFu
Manchu, forexample,beginswitha“chinshavedwith
moustacheallowedtostarttogrowuptoamaximumof
2centimetersbeyondandbelowtheendoftheupper
lip”andcontinues inthesortof legalesetypically
reserved forrental-cartermsandconditions.
Intheend, judgesandthecrowdcrownonegrand
champion:FloridianScottMetts(category:FullBeard
StyledMoustache),whopairedapumpkin-coloredZZ
Top-likebeardwithanenormousmoustachewaxed
intotheshapeofbicyclehandlebars.
Ireturnhomeandshavemy face—acleanslate for
gloriesyettocome.TheWorldBeardandMoustache
Championships—that’sright:world—arecomingto
Austin,Texas, in2017,which isbasicallytomorrow in
epic-beard-growthtime.Seeyouthere,beardos.
THELASTWORD
122
FEBRUARY2016
AMERICANWAY
BeardsofGlory
Don’t thinkhavingabeard isabigdeal?The ideawill soongrowonyou.
Having
abeard
isnota
righttobe
exercised
bythe lazy.
BY
JOEMURRAY
ILLUSTRATION
KYLET.WEBSTER
