PHOTO
NFHOF/ASSOCIATED PRESS
defense—and indefenseof everyother
red-bloodedAmerican football fan— if
Thanksgivingwas trulysupposed tobeall
about family, somebodywould’vestopped
GeorgeA.Richards fromstaging thefirst
TurkeyDayNFLgame in1934. (Richards’
Lions fell to therivalChicagoBears 19-16
beforeasold-out crowdof26,000and
anational audience tuning inonNBC
Radio—butyouknew thatalready.)And
certainlysomebodywould’vestopped the
NFL fromaddingasecondTurkeyDay
game inDallas in 1966.
Yes, like itornot, footballhasbecome
assynonymouswithThanksgivingDay
asdrunkenunclesanduntouchedyams.
AndwhenNBCa fewyearsago twisted the
NFL’sarm intoaddingaThanksgiving-
nightgame—blessyou,NBC!— itmeant
theactionwouldstretch, virtuallyuninter-
rupted, frombreakfastonpast the lastbite
ofpumpkinpie.
Indeed, that’sa lotof time topretend to
listen toAuntBetsyrecountyetanother
Bingo triumphwhenallyoureallycare
about iswhether theDallasCowboyscan
keep theCarolinaPanthersoutof theend
zone in thefinalminuteandcover the
7½-pointspread.
Trustme, though:This faux-listening
thing, it’sa learnedskill.Try following this
six-stepgameplan, andyou, too, canenjoy
anonstopThanksgiving football feastwith-
outeverengaging inanother inane family
story that’sbeen toldazillion times:
STUDYYOURBLOCKINGSCHEMES
Alwayskeep familymembersbetween
youandyourTV. Since there’sa lotof
downtimebetweensnaps, youcanpretend
tobeactively involved inaconversation,
thenglanceawayas theactionresumes.
(Nobodycanbeexpected tomaintaineye
contactwitharelative formore than20
secondsanyway.)
SCANTHEFIELD
MakesureaTV iswithineyeshotofallpri-
marygatheringspaces (usually thekitchen
and the familyroom).Splurgeonahome
renovation ifneedbe.
KNOWWHENTOAUDIBLE
Havechildren?Good.Keepat leastoneat
yourhipatall times, andbeready tohand
theconversationoff toyourunsuspect-
ingkid— thesamekidyou’llbeputting
throughcollegesoon. (Translation:Don’t
feelguiltyabout this.)
USEYOURTIMEOUTS
Halftimesarealways longerduring
Thanksgivinggames— this iswhenyou
become the jovialhostanddutiful spouse.
STAYHYDRATED
Fluidsarekeyhere, forbothyouandyour
guests.There’snobetterconversation
stopper than, “I’vegot togo to thebath-
room.”Ofcourse,whennaturecalls, you’ll
pass thebedroomwithaTVonyourway
toand from the facilities.
WHEN INDOUBT,PUNT
Alwaysplan to runoutof something
(usually ice) that requiresa run to the
convenience store,whichof course is
adjacent toa tavern that’s showing the
game.Need tobuyyourself someextra
time? Inform someonebeforeyou leave
that yourcar ison fumes (gas-station
stop!).Oh, and remember to “forget”
yourcellphoneathome.
SPORTS
82
NOVEMBER2015
AMERICANWAY
MATTJACOB
hasbeenaLasVegas-based
journalist formore than20yearsanda football
fanatic formore than40—much to thechagrin
ofhisnon-football-lovingwife.
YES,LIKEITORNOT,FOOTBALL
HASBECOMEASSYNONYMOUSWITH
THANKSGIVINGDAYASDRUNKEN
UNCLESANDUNTOUCHEDYAMS.
BLAME IT
ONTHE
TRYPTOPHAN
TheTop3WackyThanksgiving
DayPigskinMoments
1974:
WithquarterbackRoger
Staubachout, theCowboys turn to
rookieClint Longley, whopasses for 203
yards, including a 50-yard touchdown,
tobeat theWashingtonRedskins.
1998:
Preparing togo toovertime in
Detroit, refereePhil Luckett tosses a
coin in the air. ThePittsburghSteelers
call “tails.” Luckett hears “heads.”The
coin lands tails and theLionsmarch
down thefield for thewinning score.
2012:
NewYork Jets quarterback
MarkSanchez runs into thebacksideof
oneof his offensive linemen anddrops
the football, which theNewEngland
Patriots scoopup and return for a
touchdown.And just like that, the term
“Butt Fumble” is born.
TheChicagoBearsplayed
theDetroitLions in the
NFL’sfirstThanksgiving
Daygame in 1934.
