MANYPEOPLETHRIVE
on theunpredictability
of life.Asamatterof fact,
forsome, it’s thesingular
motivation forgetting
outofbedeachday.You
canusuallyspot theseeternaloptimistsby
their“Today is thefirstdayof therestof
my life!”bumperstickers.
Iamdecidedlynotoneof thesepeople.
Iopenmyeyeseachmorningandpromptly
accept that,barringsome long-shotmira-
cle—“Theblood-testresultsare in; turns
outyou
are
WarrenBuffett’skid!”— little
will separateyesterday from today from
tomorrow.
ThisexplainswhyThanksgiving ismy
favoriteholiday, forthere isnomorepre-
dictabledayontheannualcalendarthan
the fourthThursday inNovember.Wakeup
early;preparethesoon-to-be-overly-dry
turkey(15minutesperpoundshouldnot
bethisdifficulttocalculate,damn it!); lose
thefirstofseveralargumentswiththewife
(“We’remakingtoomuch food,”I insist.
“Nowearen’t,”shecounters.); refereethe
firstofseveralbattleswiththetwoteenag-
ers(“Youcleanthebathroom!”“No,youdo
it!”); turnontheTVatprecisely9:30a.m.
Pacifictime,whentheday’sfirst football
game inDetroitkicksoff;begintuningout
the family(immediateandextended) for
thenextdozenhours.
Wait,what?Tuneout the family?On
Thanksgiving?!
Hey, look, I’mnotproudof itanymore
than I’mproudof the fact that replacing
a lightbulbrepresents theextentofmy
manual-laborcapabilities.But inmy
OfFamily,FeastsandFootball
(ThoughMostlyFootball)
Goondefensesoyoudon’tmiss thebiggame(s)onTurkeyDay
AMERICANWAY
NOVEMBER2015
81
SPORTS
ByMattJacob
ILLUSTRATION
SUSAN BURGHART
That’sa lotof time topretend to listen toAuntBetsy recountyetanother
Bingo triumphwhenall you reallycareabout iswhether theDallasCowboys
cankeep theCarolinaPanthersoutof theendzone.
