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But we have more than one thousand blog posts in the archives, and they're not going anywhere.
If you liked this post, you'll love hearing us discuss topics just like this on our free weekly podcasts! You may want your husband to change, and you may think he should pick up some slack, and you may think that he should be nicer, but the truth is you have absolutely no control over that.
For pity’s sake, stop playing video games all the time and pay attention to your kids! But again, what good would those posts do, other than make us all feel better and superior? In my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I told the story of Geri Scazzero (who wrote The Emotionally Healthy Woman). Eventually she couldn’t take it and she told her husband she was quitting going to their church. When I say that a woman needs to change, then, I’m not always saying that she needs to bend over backwards to meet all of his needs. One day, I expressed frustration at my husband because I felt like I was doing all of the work. I often tell my readers that the one who realizes there needs to be change is the one responsible for changing first. If we, as the church, do not get back to spiritual vision, glimpses of heaven, and an awareness of a greater glory and life, we will lose our faith.
SpeakingI speak on ministry entrepreneurship, leadership and hands on community involvement.
Husbands could be encouraged to put dirty dishes into a dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink. Drying freshly washed dishes can be a simple and quick chore to designated to a reluctant spouse.
If you really feel that your husband isn't pulling his fair share of work around the house, then he needs to know. Most husbands really are good guys who just don't realize their wives need help around the house.
This being said as I ask why he would not fold the pile of towels sitting on the ottoman in front of him. Regarding the idea men work - and earn - more, as justification for them doing less at home: does that also apply when its the woman who works and earns more? Each day he gets up, takes our son (last one still at home) to school, spends about an hour tidying from breakfast, putting out the laundry (that I put in the machine to wash) and maybe running the hoover over the main traffic areas - not properly, just a quick sweep.
I did all that when I was at home -- because I was at home -- but he seems to think I did it because I was a woman!! I've tried asking nicely, nagging, writing to do lists and shouting, but he just sits there and ignores me, or he spends one day being super busy and then back to normal! I'm still cleaning the house, daycare area, tucking our kids into bed, feeding the animals, etc. However, I do need help with things around the house, like lifting heavy things that need to be moved. Before anyone here cites me anecdotes as "evidence" to counter my claims, I'll present you with concrete proof. What irks me to no end is all the complaining women on here who don't seem to be unable to do work that involves the general maintenance of the home. Signed me -- who has a me now person who thanks the 23 year old me, very much, for dumping one very much like that. His business is self owned and seasonal and four months of the year, winter, his workload is cut in half.
When I was working full-time, and taking second jobs for vacation money, extras, etc., it was always because he 'couldn't afford' these things, so I let it go and figured I was doing my share. I am now home most of the time and what I observe is a guy I have basically bankrolled into living a super cushy lifestyle.
I started looking around our home and found endless places that needed repair -- not decorating – repair -- as in the wood is rotting and insects are getting in. I do not have meltdowns, but when he told me the stove pipe vent in the ceiling (no stove there, it was removed due to leaking and been this way 15 years) but you can feel heat from the hole that he put a brick and a piece of tarp over on the roof. When I flip out and yell, he shuts down but suddenly the next day, he's Johnny on the spot. It’s really hard to respect a person like this and I really don't want to see so much history with this person end up so very harshly and negatively. Yes, the thing for you to do is to get the hell out of there for your own sanity, and you seem extremely reluctant to do that because you appear to think his survival depends on his having someone like you to belittle. Ask yourself this: what’s more important here -- my boyfriend’s hurt feelings or my children’s well-being?
And this is how you do it: get up on your feet right now and walk toward the door, open it, step through.
My boyfriend said he was all right with this, but when he needs to deal with the children and gets stressed out he says some unkind things to them (threatens to break the arm of our 10 month old). When I go outside, I have to dress in work clothes, because if I wear anything else, my boyfriend suggests that I'm trying to be a whore and attract other guys. I have tried reasoning with him in a mature manner but it gets nowhere, and only results in yelling matches. The only time I go out of the house is either for groceries or children's doctor's appointments, and then he feels the need to yell at me saying how he never gets out, but I'm allowed out all the time and he should be able to go see his friends. I see a good person in my boyfriend, I honestly do, but it certainly needs to show itself more. I asked him if we could go to a counselor and maybe work some of our knots out and he agreed but never got on it. Everyone around me is telling me to leave him, but the small things around the house he does certainly helps. But whenever I use the opportunity of talking to or about my husband as a way to brag about him, it’s totally worth it. I'm a writer and mother of five who has been honing the fine art of satisfaction during my seventeen-year evolution into a (usually) happy mom. If you're looking for something in particular, enter your search terms into the field above.
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Free weekly shows featuring dynamic interviews, fun cohosts and real-life stories and tips for living a creative, happy life at home, as a mom, and in your work. And today I want to talk about this really common question women have: why am I the one who needs to change if he’s the one with the problem? I guess women should sex their husbands regularly so that their husbands will be productive members of the household…It just seems so ridiculous to me.
In my chapter on how to find real happiness without expecting your husband to always provide it, I made the point that sometimes we need to stop doing the things we’re doing. Her husband was a busy inner-city pastor, and Geri felt like the proper Christian woman who poured herself out for her kids, and her husband, and never asked anything of anybody.
That put in motion a whole series of steps that finally helped their family come to healthy balance. Sometimes, if your husband needs to change, he can’t until you start putting up some boundaries. And if you want to learn more about this, this is the basis for my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
Truthfully, if we stepped back, we would realize that there are several ways and if we want the help, we have to lose. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. It’s so easy to get caught up in wanting him to be who WE want him to be, rather than who God has designed him to be. My writing has been included in Thriving Family, Susie Magazine, and various books including my own Come Awake. The biggest problem with many couples is that both people don't always see the same mess and don't feel the same need to clean it up.
Many times, when the going gets tough, you might only see what needs to be done, and what your husband has done to help goes unnoticed. Husbands often work a lot and might simply not have the time or energy to help around the house as much as their wives want them to.
Maybe the wives look like they have it under control or the house just doesn't look like it needs to be cleaned. I cooked, cleaned up after, hoovered, mopped, washed and ironed the clothes etc etc (even used to iron his work clothes and make him packed lunch!), while looking after small kids.
He'd have to be blind for starters, and even if he doesn't care about it, is it fair to make me and our son come home to a messy house every day, when he is the one with nothing else to do? Take a shower, fix himself a nice omelet breakfast, go to the gym for two hours, come home, take another shower and go to work for eight or nine hours.
Throw in a load of laundry, sweep floors, clean up breakfast mess, help my kids with their assignments while caring for my daycare kids.
I have asked my husband (very politely, not nagging) on numerous occasions to move a heavy television and also a gas heater into the shed so I can get the house organized for the new baby.
I am not asking him to clean toilets, cook meals, do laundry, vacuum, mop, wash dirty sheets, clean vomit, etc., etc, I can do all that, but can't a girl get some help with home maintenance and heavy lifting when she is pregnant?
While women are responsible for household chores, men are responsible for general maintenance of the home, a handyman if you will. The paper "Total work, Gender and Social norms" as published by The National Bureau of Economic Research shows that the time spent by both genders at work (both in the home and at the work place) is the same. This is typical female behavior, where a female will only stay with the male upon perceived utility, Briffault's law in play. Any person who devalues your efforts to provide better, do better, be better, have better, is truly not worth the energy you expend for tiny, sand like, portions of a good thing he does every now and then.
He can sleep as long as he wants, he has a roof over his head, he has food and he doesn't have to work. The person five years older than you are right now, the you five years from now, will thank you very much.
He said it was not creating unnecessary hot air coming from the outside, but you can feel it. I hope you’re just blowing off steam because, if you haven’t listened to anyone else’s advice, why would you listen to anyone responding to your post? I suspect that you are not truly being honest with yourself and that the real reason for not leaving this caveman is that you are afraid of being alone. Close the door, leave all that negativity behind you, and focus on what you can do to make your life better. Neither my boyfriend nor I work (I honestly tried and a three hour work day turned into something I wasn't allowed to do because it was during the hours he sleeps, until 12 noon).
Honestly, I just like dressing up sometimes, but not with cleavage hanging out or anything; I dress respectfully. His life aspirations are to sit on disability for the rest of his life and play video games. It just feels better to build him up than bring him down, and I know it makes him feel good, too. Here on The Happiest Home, I share what I’ve learned–and am still learning–about family life, motherhood, and the pursuit of happiness. I wake up at 5, feed the baby, make the kids lunches, take the kids to school and daycare, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up dinner and prepare for the next day.
You may feel morally superior, because he obviously has so much he needs to change, but that’s not going to get you a good marriage. I do have quite a few male readers and I do appreciate them, but I’m writing to women. I want to actually offer practical help, and that means addressing what’s in our control. But if you decide to find things to be grateful for, start encouraging him even when you don’t feel like it, and step out when it comes to sex, you may just find that his attitude towards you changes, too. And much of that was letting go of the things that she was doing so that others would rightly do them. Take a moment to reflect on what he did that week to help you and take it into consideration.
Let him know that you are serious about things needing to change and what you expect of him, so he doesn't have to try to read your mind. Be honest about what you want and need, and reasonable about what he really can contribute. He then proclaimed that he would, in fact, take the trash out the next morning, which takes five minutes.

The equivalent to me would be asking him to request sex on a calendar by providing me with his requested dates and times. Oh, and he doesn't drive because he doesn't know the area (has lived here over three years) and refuses to get a license.
Come home to a nice meal, eat, throw his dishes in the sink, take another shower and lie in bed with his computer until 12 or 1 a.m. My husband started his own business almost three years ago, therefore being the sole breadwinner. I cannot be driving around town loading up heavy furniture and trying to assemble them on my own! What it's saying is that we should treat men with kid gloves, be gentle and speak clearly and specify precisely what needs to be done.
Most women couldn't change a light bulb if someone sat there dictating to them, let alone be the handyman around the house. It also shows that men shoulder most of the financial bills at home as they earn higher than women in a vast majority of cases. He doesn't invest himself in the maintenance of the house, just making sure people don't fall, or things don't rot away. Who wants to give give and give and then give intimately to someone who clearly loves Easy Street and doesn't want to get off that drive and step it up? They are already being exposed to such negativity and hatred (yes, hatred!) that having to explain to them that there is no money for their higher education is going to be the least of your, and their, problems. Start asking for help, and I guarantee you eventually you will find the right person to help you to help yourself. Once in a blue moon, he may do a load of laundry or dishes, but then for the next week I get belittled for it if I ask for help with anything else. It certainly brightens my day up when she comes too, because we talk about our life problems with each other because no one else seems to listen.
I literally don’t stop until I get into bed (usually around midnight.) I do all of these things because it is what I have to do. And many of us are overfunctioning in our marriages, and the more we overfunction, the more he underfunctions. While that's not to say that your day has been easy — especially if you also work outside the home — try to keep what's going on outside the home in mind.
Some wives try making a honey-do list to let their husbands know what they need done and when they would like it to be completed. I offered to switch jobs with him at anytime and trade for the six hours of laundry I had just put in.
I have absolutely no issue with taking responsibility for all the housework and childcare since this is what we decided. If women want equal household chores, they must do equal house maintenance (repairing and fixing) and equal bills.
I bought him a nice recliner because his back was bothering him, and a flat screen with headphones so he could hear the sound better and enjoy his shows. So I went to Home Depot and asked “How?” Soon I found myself repaneling, painting, caulking and using power tools. I feel foolish, used and like I’m living in a dump and I've worked way too hard to be at this stage and place in my life. In fact, I want a career in making them but I certainly don't put playing them above my kids. And if you can go and think about what he’s missing, and reach out and meet his needs, often you start a domino effect that has great benefits for your marriage. Don't use a condescending tone of voice when talking to him, as he may shut down and ignore you. If you don't give him a timeline, he may put things off as long as possible or simply think that they aren't urgent. I have told him that if he wants to enter into a different type of relationship, where the house is divided, to let me know, but that it would be a whole different set of guidelines.
I get about four hours of sleep a day, but he says I sleep all the time and doesn't understand why we only have sex once a week. I told him I would be happy to go get one as I know he is busy but he insists on going to get it so he gets the right plan for me Every day it is still not done!
I am paying for all of the tools (can't use his; they are for his equipment) and I actually paid him to work on our house because he hired his work crew a while back. Your real friends will return and be there for you, and there are resources out there that can help you, if you just get off your tail and look for them! When the kids sleep, I get the time to play, but usually I am so exhausted I rarely get a half hour in before passing out. How am I supposed to make sure he is pleased when he doesn’t do anything to help or please me.
On weekends I pay the bills, do the shopping, change all the bedding, do any maintenance tasks and then (usually) clean what is by now a very messy house (plus sometimes having work to do). When I told a friend about this, she went crazy and told me, “That's his house, too!” Suddenly, the writing was on the wall.
The problem in many marriages, though, is that the person sowing the bad stuff isn’t reaping it. He creates dishes, leaves drinks around the house and never feels the need to clean up after himself. Clean up time and sweep the floors again, start dinner all while trying to deal with the daycare kids and our children.
So dad is grumpy and mean to his wife and kids, and the wife and kids walk on eggshells around him so as not to set him off. Sure, you can keep doing it, but you’ll lose yourself and you’ll burn out, and what kind of mom, let alone wife, will you be? Since we are putting men and women in boxes here, add this into the formula: Women aren't built to physically take on the same physical load as men. I bristle against the notion that in order for our husbands to want to please, help, show us love that we first have to somehow convenience them with sex. I can certainly say that I would feel a whole lot more receptive to sex (and would have more energy instead of falling into bed at night) if he ever washed bottles, or did the dishes after dinner, or washed the laundry every now and then.

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