Very Good Eddie

Book By: Philip Bartholomae and Guy Bolton
Lyrics By: Schuyler Greene
Music By: Jerome Kern

Founded on the farce Overnight
Produced at the Princess Theater, NY, December 23, 1915

Act 1
Time.
An afternoon in summer

After Overture:
House lights out. Foots ON.
Arcs ready with blinders. Blinders are to be pulled as curtain rises.
Curtain Rises. ----
On music cue, when orchestra plays "Far Manhattan Isle" phrase first time.
Discover: - 
Two girls are seated in chairs down R. 2 boys are standing one R of them; one behind them. Two girls are seated R and L of the table R of C. One boy stands L. of them. Two girls are seated R and L of table: L. One boy stands L of them. A couple stands in doorway L.U. A girl is seated in chair down L. One boy stands L of her.
Opening Chorus.
The simple life for us
We've come aboard this bus
To swap a pitiful city
Full of fashion and fuss.
For that little town,
Of fairy tale renown,
That Mr. Rip chose to choose
For his twenty year snooze!
On "Chose" boy behind girls over R starts to cross Stage towards RU. Couple in RU doorway move toward C they meet a little L of C. Boy presents (in pantomime) Boy from R to Girl, then excuses himself and goes up C L of arch. Girl returns with boy to doorway L.U.
Everytime that whistle blows today
It seems as though it tried to say
Oh fair Manhattan Isle
Silk-an-satin Isle,
Good bye, we're on our way
Enter Victoria C from R followed by three dancers C from R and three dancers from L. All come down C three girls on each side of her.
SOLO
No more large nights for me
Absorbing cocktails with cherries,
At Maxin's or Sherry's.
No more high flights for me,
My dates are cancelled and called off
At Dell's and the Waldorf;
Good bye, Fifth Avenue,
Broadway, I've good news for you
They're going to lock you up,
So they say.
Boys
Oh, what a chance.
Girls
While we're away.
Boys
On with the dance.
Ensemble.
The simple life for us
We've come aboard this bus;
To swap a pitiful city
Full of fashion and fuss
For that little town
Of fairy tale renown
That Mr. Rip chose to choose
For his twenty year snooze;
Everytime that whistle blows to-day,
It seems as tho' it tries to say
"Oh fair Manhattan Isle,
Silk-and-satin Isle,
Good bye, we're on our way.
Hip Hurray; Hip Hurray,
Hear the whistles, loudly say
Good bye we're on our way."
On the word "Time" girl seated down L rises also girls seated at back stage. On "satin isle" girl seated R.C. rises and goes behind her chair. Purser enters singing from L. I. E. On "whistles loudly say" off L. whistle two long blasts followed by two strokes of gong.
Orchestra continues pp. through first part of dialogue ensemble movement. Girl seated extreme R rises. Boy over R places bag from floor to cover both chairs over R Purser works toward L. C as he speaks. Girls break into groups. Show girls L. C. turns to girl L of her together they exit to R. I. E. Show girls from C joins show girl in arch up L. They EXIT together. Three dancers turn to two boys R C boy up L.C. takes dancer down to rail L. C. One dancer joins boy at rail extreme L. One dancer turns to boy up L of C. Two other showgirls exit R. I. E. These movements occur during Purser's speech. All movements are made to clear the C opening for Dick's entrance.
Purser
Poughkeepsie! Have your tickets ready, please. This landing is Poughkeepsie! The boat stops here fifteen minutes!
Enter Dick Rivers followed by Steward with bag. Steward goes R of Dick. Purser comes L of Dick
Ticket, please.
Rivers
Giving ticket to Purser
Here you are
The girls recognize Dick's voice and begin to crowd around him. Three coming to R of him and three L of him. When the girls leave them, the boys go upstage to R I two in arch C and two up L in arch. Dick speaks to Steward.
Put my bag over there.
The Steward starts toward chair. Dick notices that the chair is taken with a bag
No -- take it outside for me. That's right.
He gives Steward a tip and Steward exit C to E
Victoria has worked over to R of group around Dick.
Victoria
Why, it's Dick Rivers!
Rivers
Hello Victoria!
Victoria
Hello Dick! Whatever are you doing in Poughkeepsie?
Rivers
Just ran up to see the boat race.
Purser
But the boat race isn't until next week.
Rivers
Thanks, I know that. Here -- try that on your mouth organ.
Puts cigar in Purser's mouth
Purser crosses below Girls and exits L, speaking as he moves.
Purser
Excuse me.
Rivers
Turning back to girls
I've just seen the most wonderful girl.
Victoria
Yes?
Rivers
And I've fallen in love at first sight. She's travelling with Madame Matroppo, the great voice teacher, and her name is Elsie.
Victoria
Oh, you mean Elsie Lilly. That's Madame Matroppo's star pupil. She's going on the stage.
Rivers
Oh no she's not. She's going to marry me. She just doesn't know it yet, but she is. I've followed her on this boat, and now I'm going to find an excuse to meet her.
Victoria
Madame Matroppo won't let her meet anyone.
Rivers
You leave that to your Uncle Dudley. And they won't shake me. When it comes to sticking, I've got Mr. Postage Stamp licked.
Boys get camp stools ready for number
Victoria
In the spring a young man's fancy ---
Wagging her finger at him
Rivers
Imitating her
Well, is it any wonder? Everywhere I look I see a pair of lovers, and the paths of spooning lead but to the Nane!
Introduction of "The Same Old Game". Boys bring down camp stools. Place them on last note of introduction. Girls turn, three right and three left and sit as boys place them.
"The Same Old Game"
1st Verse Solo
Rivers
Summer's evening cool and shady
Where the poppies grow
Look at the "love-birds" there
Nestling ev-ry where
Tho' they think they're up to date
In ev'rything they do --
They forget that nothing on earth is new.
All his fibs, the poor girl will believe --
But just the same as Adam and Eve.
Refrain Solo
Oh! They all play the same old game,
What a life! What a life! What a game.
There they are -- like bees in clover --
Come on over, come on over!
On the beach in the gay sea side
Or at home by the firelight's flame --
Springtime, summer time
Winter time, any time,
They all play the same old game.
2nd Refrain
Dick and Ensemble
Oh! They all play the same old game
What a life! What a life! What a game.
Dick and Boys
There they are bees in clover.
Girls
Here we are bees in clover.
Dick and Boys
Look them over, look them over
Girls
Look us over, look us over.
On the beach by the gay sea side
Or at home by the firelight flame
Springtime, summertime,
Winter time, anytime,
They all play the same old game.
The number over, enter Madame Matroppo and six pupils (the show girls) C from R. She comes c with the girls grouped about her.
MME Matroppo
Now girls, I am taking you to the Rip Van Winkle Inn for the summer. This Rip Van Winkle Inn is the most exclusive hotel in the Catskills and I shall expect you all to be on your best behavior.
Enter Rivers R I E.
Rivers
Excuse me, Girls
The girls to the R of Madame Matroppo give way and he crosses them
Madame Matroppo, I believe?
She comes to L of Dick
MME Matroppo
Yes, I am Madame Matroppo. You wish to have your voice trained?
Rivers
No, no -- at least not yet. I am anxious to meet Miss Elsie Lilly -- and I have come to you ---
MME Matroppo
Impossible! Miss Lilly is going away for a rest and will meet no one. She must not use her voice in any way.
Rivers
But -- I -- I wish to interview her.
MME Matroppo
Oh, a newspaper man --
She backs away from him
Rivers
Backing away also
Yes.
MME Matroppo
That is different. Name, please.
The girls go up to the arch looking off L for Elsie
Rivers
Rivers.
MME Matroppo
Oh, that will be easy to remember. I shall simply repeat the little proverb; "All rivers flow to the sea".
Rivers works a little R, MME Matroppo follows him
Rivers
Do you have a little proverb like that for everybody?
MME Matroppo
Yes, I believe in the association of ideas. When I want to remember a thing I simply associate it with something else and there you are.
Elsie Lilly enters C from L.
Girls
Hello! Hello Elsie! Where have you been? We've been looking for you, etc.
Elsie comes down L of MME Matroppo
MME Matroppo
Miss Lilly, here is a gentleman who wishes to interview you. Let me present Mr. --- Mr. ---
Puts hand to head in effort to remember and recites
"All rivers flow to the sea" -- Mr. Sea!
Rivers
Correcting
Rivers!
MME Matroppo
Not realizing she has been wrong
Yes -- yes, of course, Mr. Rivers. Well, I will leave you together.
Crosses behind Elsie toward L. I. Girls also work toward the entrance
Elsie
I think you would find it more interesting to interview Madame Matroppo!
Rivers
I don't think I should.
MME Matroppo
At exit
Don't forget to mention the Matroppo method, will you, Mr. Brooks?
Exit with girls -- the girls following her
Rivers
Crossing Elsie to L of C as he follows MME Matroppo
You haven't tried Lake yet!
The girls hearing this laugh as they exeunt
Turns back to Elsie
Now, Miss Elsie -- If you will just answer a few questions; First: are you married?
Elsie
No.
Rivers
Good -- Engaged?
Elsie
No. I was engaged once, but that was just a boy and girl affair.
Rivers
What was the name of this lover of yours?
Elsie
Eddie.
Rivers
Eddie -- who?
Elsie
I won't tell you.
Rivers
Very well! I've got an axe out for the whole race of Eddies.
Steward enters down L crosses paging "Mr. Kettle -- Mr. Kettle"
Rivers turns
Kettle.
Elsie
Did he say Kettle?
Steward
Mr. and Mrs., Edwin Kettle -- four telegrams.
Exit C to R
Rivers
Babe Kettle married? Well, what do you think of that?
Elsie
Do you know Ed -- Mr. Kettle?
Rivers
Sure! I went to college with him. Well, well, Eddie Kettle married!
Elsie
Poor little Eddie -- so he's gone too.
Rivers
Eddie Kettle -- say, you know him too, do you/
Elsie
I used to, slightly. But you haven't asked me about my voice.
Rivers
We'll come to your voice later. I haven't got through with your heart yet.
Elsie
I am afraid I am more interested in my voice
Rivers
Oh, don't tell me you are against marriage?
Elsie
No; I'm not exactly against it -- but --
Crossing him to L. C.
I'm glad I'm not up against it.
Rivers
Marriage is the golden gate of opportunity.
Elsie
Opportunity to make a fool of yourself.
Rivers
Yes? I used to think that too.
Elsie
What changed you?
Rivers
I've met and fallen in love.
Elsie
Oh; I expect you've always been in love with somebody.
Rivers
Yes -- but it's never been the same somebody -- but now it's different.
"Some Sort of Somebody"
Elsie
Have you ever really tried to concentrate?
Dick
I don't know the meaning of the word.
Elsie
Then when you think you love a girl, you hesitate?
Dick
Not too long, for that would be absurd;
I know that when I'm ninety, with a long gray beard,
I'll still be making up my mind --
Elsie
Procrastination is a habit to be feared. You will always find.
Some of the time you think you love a brunette.
Dick
Some of the time you love a blonde,
And sometimes they're short or they may be tall.
Elsie
They may pass by and sometimes they fall,
Both
But you love some sort of somebody
All of the time.
Elsie
Some of the time you think you love a brunette
Dick
I know the kind who had a Spanish Mother
Some of the time you love a blonde
Elsie
Spoken
Who came from Eden, by way of Sweden.
Dick
Sometimes they're short or they may be tall,
They may pass by and sometimes they fall,
Both
But you love some sort of somebody
All of the time.
1st Encore
Dick
I have travelled all around the world of ours.
Elsie
I don't doubt that you've been going some.
Dick
And I've sipped the honey from the rarest flowers
Elsie
You mean that you have sipped the flow'rs and sipped the rum -- tiddle dee dun dum
Dick
In ev'ry foreign country I have met my fate,
I've met her so much I am tired.
Elsie
Can you remain impartial and to me relate.
Dick
Spoken
What?
Elsie
Which you most admire?
Dick
Some of the time I loved a girl from Berlin
Elsie
Sie war so schoen und lustig und sonweiter (so weiter)
Some of the time she came from Spain and
Dick
Wiena pura -- Slamadurs,
Italian girls and French I adore,
Elsie
Now then we know who started the war,
Both
But you love some sort of somebody
All of the time -- la la la la la la
Elsie
Some of the time you think you love a brunette
Dick
Who chucks her limbs in limousines
Some of the time you love a blonde.
Elsie
Whose form she packs on -- some little saxon
Sometimes they're short or they may be tall --
Dick
If you're in luck for a jitney she'll fall.
Both
But you love some sort of somebody
All of the time.
End Encore
Elsie
Some of the time you think you love a brunette
Dick
I know the kind, that uses Dyer-kiss freely
Some of the time you love a blonde
Elsie
Roger and Callet Lily of the Valley.
Dick
Sometimes they're short or they may be tall
Elsie
They may pass by -- no perfume at all.
Both
But you love some sort of somebody
All of the time.
3rd Encore
Both voices in unison -- sung to the musical director
Some of the time you think you love a brunette
Some of the time you love a blonde
And sometimes they're short
Or they may be tall
They may pass by and sometimes they fall
But you love some sort of somebody
All of the time
They exit. Off R are heard cheers, shouts and laughter from all the girls of the ensemble
They exit. Off R are heard cheers, shouts and laughter from all the girls of the ensemble
The purser enters from L U and comes to the arch C. The Frenchman enters C from R, meeting the Purser
Frenchman
Look! What is the matter? There is a riot, they are throwing shoes at that poor little fellow.
Purser
That's not a riot, that's a bride and groom.
They work away from the arch and toward arch L. U.
The Steward enters C from R with Mrs. Kettle's handbag held daintily in front of him. Following the Steward are Georgiana Kettle, and Eddie Kettle: She is a very large, masculine, self assertive woman but interesting and very wholesome, she carries a staff. Eddie is very small very winning and in no way effeminate. He has tried to raise a moustache. He speaks with a lisp. He carries two blanket rolls under his arm and a bag in one hand a suitcase in the other. The baggage is tied with large white ribbon bows.
Georgiana comes down C Eddie on her R and Steward on her L. she carries a tall walking staff. The little girls follow them on still laughing and yelling. Each one carries confetti, with which they shower Eddie and Georgiana. Then laughing, the girls exit C to L. The Purser and Frenchman exit L U laughing. Eddie looks very important and serious. As the ad lib dies down Georgiana speaks.
Georgiana Kettle
I don't see why they take us for a newly married couple.
Kettle
Neither do I, unless it's my anxious look.
Mrs. Kettle
Put the bags down, Edwin.
Kettle
Where, sweetie?
Mrs. Kettle
Anywhere -- over there.
Points to chair R
Kettle
Those chairs seem to be occupied. There's something on them --
Mrs. Kettle
I don't see anybody occupying them.
To Kettle who stares helplessly from one to another
Take those things off. Put ours there.
Kettle takes a bag from chairs R, throwing it on the floor. He puts his things upon the chair. Meanwhile the Steward has held her bag so as to attract attention. She takes it frim him and speaks just as Eddie turns from the chairs
Tip the boy Edwin.
Kettle
Yes! Sweetie.
He starts toward her and hauls out a large roll of bills from his right side coat pocket, all carelessly crumpled up.
Mrs. Kettle
What a careless way to carry money.
She takes them and stuffs them in her handbag
Now, give him a quarter.
Kettle hands Steward a quarter, across Mrs. Kettle
Kettle
Yes sweetie.
The Steward moves over L
Steward
Thank you, sir
He exits L. U. E.
Kettle
Georgiana, how well you manage things!
Mrs. Kettle
Remember, I have travelled much abroad.
Kettle
I've never been abroad, I've never been anywhere.
Mrs. Kettle
We shall sail the day the war is over. You know it's the first summer I haven't been abroad since I was a child.
Kettle
But if you hadn't stayed home you wouldn't have met me.
Mrs. Kettle
Yes, one does need male protection when traveling in America.
Kettle
Flattered -- jauntily
That's where I come in. I feel so big to-day.
Sighs and looks about
I don't see anybody about. Don't you think I might kiss you?
Mrs. Kettle
Matter-of-fact Very well, you may, Edwin, but be quick about it.
Kettle puts his arms around her a hugs and kisses her. He has to stand on his tiptoes to reach.
Kettle
That was worth reaching for.
Mrs. Kettle
Eddie, you may hug me once more. I rather like it.
Kettle
Georgiana.
As he tries to reach her lips, she lifts him from the floor, so the kiss comes when he's off the floor. She puts him down beside him and he nestles his head against her breast; his arm around. She pats him.
You have a man to rely on now. You are so wonderful! Mother always helped me so much to make up my mind. Now I have you to make up our mind.
He embraces her. Them they break and move over L. r of C, as tho' down against the rail. She looks through the monocle glass she wears about her neck.
Mrs. Kettle
So this is the Hudson is it? When do we get out of sight of land?
Kettle
This is a river.
Mrs. Kettle
Yes, yes. The water in the foreign rivers looks so much ripplier.
Kettle
It does?
Mrs. Kettle
Edwin, did you engage our state-room?
Kettle
Our stateroom? I'm -- I'm afraid there aren't any.
Mrs. Kettle
Why, what do they do at night?
Kettle
Sweetie, this is the Day Line -- they don't.
Slur this so that it will appear perfectly ingenious on his part
But I'll find a nice quiet corner where we can hold hands.
Mrs. Kettle
Tell me, Edwin -- Am I the only woman you ever loved?
Kettle
Why yes, of course!
Mrs. Kettle
There never have been any others?
Kettle
Crosses L hesitatingly Well no; - not exactly.
Mrs. Kettle
L.C.
What do you mean by "not exactly"?
Kettle
Well, there were lots of girls I admired. But that was sort of different.
Mrs. Kettle
But wasn't there a special one?
Kettle
L. D. Well, perhaps there was one.
Mrs. Kettle
What was her name?
Kettle
Elsie
Mrs. Kettle
Imitating his lips
Elsie
Turns away
Kettle
As he notices her serious expression
There was really nothing to it at all, sweetie, just a boy and girl affair. But sweetie, I wonder if our trunks got on board.
Mrs. Kettle
Yes; we must look after them now. But later I must hear more of this Elsie of yours.
She starts up C swinging to the R as she goes. Kettle starts to follow her. The Steward enter R I E with four telegrams in his hand. As Georgiana turns when he speaks, she goes R C Eddies on her L.
Steward
Say, boss -----
Kettle
Are you speaking to me?
Steward
I was speaking to her.
Kettle
Perhaps you're right. Perhaps you're right.
He turns up C then listens to the dialogue
Steward
Say ma'am, is your name "Kettle"?
Mrs. Kettle
Yes, our name is "Kettle".
Steward
Den I reckon I sure am right dis time. Here is four telegrams for you.
Eddie comes down L of Georgiana, she taking the telegrams and handing them to him
Kettle
Mr. Edwin Kettle -- yes, this is for me. Two for you, sweetie, Mrs. Edwin Kettle!
Gives her two telegrams; she holds them before her. He laughs -- puts his arm around her, his head against her a rocks
Looks rather nice, doesn't it sweetie?
Steward
Rubbing his palm Everything satisfactory, boss?
Kettle
Just at present.
Holds telegram off looking at it, sees Steward waiting
What is it? Oh, yes of course.
Cross Georgiana to the Steward, he hands small coin from trouser pocket, then he opens telegram
Steward
Thank you, boss
Going to R I exit
Mrs. Kettle
I hope you didn't give him too much, Edwin?
Steward
No ma'am, dat's all right -- he didn't --
Kettle
Who has read telegram
It is from your parents.
Mrs. Kettle
What do they say?
Kettle
Dear Edwin: Be kind and gentle with our little darling.
Turns to her
You can trust me, sweetie --
Mrs. Kettle
Listen to this -- this seems to be from some friend of yours "Hearty congrats to you and the Queen of the Kidnappers. George Spelvin."
Kettle
Laughs -- then suppresses it, when he catches her stern look
The Queen of the Kidnappers -- awful playful sort of chap George is --
Mrs. Kettle
George is scratched off our list, and I shall send him back his salad bowl at once.
Kettle
Here's one I don't understand. "Hope Georgiana will make you a good wife. Am sure she will make you a good husband."
Repeats
Am sure she will make you a good husband.
Mrs. Kettle
I know what she means -- and she's right. This one is from your mother.
Kettle
Brightening and beaming
What does Mother say?
Mrs. Kettle
"Dear Georgiana; Eddie is used to sleeping in Jaeger pajamas. Don't let him forget them. Mother. "
Kettle
Mother thinks of everything.
Mrs. Kettle
Come along. We must answer these before the boat leaves.
Up to door -- he stands looking out at the audience
Kettle
Dreamily
Ye-es. I'm glad father didn't wire.
Mrs. Kettle
Turning
Edwin!
Kettle
Yes Sweetie
Hurried exit following her C to L
Enter Purser L U coming C
Enter Steward, carrying bags C from R
Steward
Well I declare, here come another of the honeymoon couples.
Purser
How do you know they are just getting married?
Steward
Why he's got that there anxious look on his face too
He turns R of the arch
Enter Mr. and Mrs. Darling C from R he R of her, mooning into each other's eyes. They move down C. The purser exits C to R.
Darling
R C
Put them right over there...on that chair.
Steward puts bag on floor R C by chairs, begins to brush Darling striking his pocket so that coins will rattle, hinting at a tip
All right -- all right -- I get you.
Hands Steward tip
Steward
Down R
Thank you sir.
He puts bag on chair extreme R works up R C
Darling
Alone -- at last!
Picks Mrs. Darling up and kisses her
Crosses to chair R
Wait until I get rid of this junk.
Takes bags etc. from chair and throws them up R C. Steward grabs them and exits with them C to R)
Now come and sit here, Elsie,
She crosses and sits in chair extreme R
While I go and send that telegram to your mother
He places suitcase on chair R C left of her
Mrs. Darling
Oh yes, I promised her faithfully we would
She giggles -- Darling attempts to leave R C to L. She calls him back
Oo-oo! Um-um-um!
He comes behind her. She puckers up lips to show she wants a kiss
Percy.
Darling
Back of chair L.C. Elsie, how often have I asked you not to call me Percy? Call me Jack or Jim, or anything.
Mrs. Darling
Oh, I forgot, dear!
Darling
It's bad enough to have Darling for a last name, when you are a big, healthy-looking man like I am, but Percy! Ugh! Percy. Darling!
Starts to exit to C to L
Mrs. Darling
Oh! Um-um-m-m-!
Rising and going to R C. He hesitates
Jack, don't leave me here all alone.
Darling
Crosses down to her on her L Why? Don't you worry. I am coming right back.
Mrs. Darling
Do you have to get off the boat?
Darling
Of course.
Mrs. Darling
But suppose it should leave without you?
Darling
Now, don't worry; I'll be back.
Starts to go up C
Mrs. Darling
Percy p --
Darling
Now Elsie.
Mrs. Darling
--I mean Jack!
Darling
(Coming down C and with arms outstretched beckoning her by moving her hands only)
Pigi-wigi!
(She X's to him C)
Mrs. Darling
(Standing)
Jack, this is our first separation since we were married!
Darling
That's so -- just four hours ago.
(He brings her down to the chair over R he is on her L)
I'll be right back, dearie.
(He turns to start up. Mrs. Kettle enters C from L followed by Kettle. As she comes down she bumps into Darling. In the bump she goes above him to R of him)
Mrs. Kettle
I'm sorry.
(She sees Mrs. Darling seated in her chair and grabs the suitcase Percy left on the chair L of Mrs. Darling's)
I beg your pardon, Madam, but those chairs belong to me.
Darling
I don't see by what right, Madame.
(She spins to face him, the suitcase before her)
I just put that suitcase --- Here, let go my suitcase
Mrs. Kettle
Our things were on those chairs.
They have the suitcase between them wrangling ad lib Kettle to protect his wife, Taps Darling on the back to attract his attention. Finally with a grunt, Darling turns to Eddie, who falls back. Then there is the flash of recognition on Eddie's face)
Kettle
Why, Percy Darling!
(Mrs. Darling is R seated. Mrs. Kettle is L of her. Darling is L of Mrs. Kettle and Eddie is L of him- a little of L of C)
Darling
Eddie Kettle.
(Slaps him violently so that his hat falls off and he nearly goes overboard. Mrs. Kettle puts bag down beside chairs)
Of all people! Do let me introduce you to my wife.
Kettle
What! You married?
Darling
(Looking fondly at his wife)
This morning.
Kettle
(L.)
So was I.
(He jumps and swings on Darling to mimic his slap but does not but hurt his hand)
(Georgia moves up C)
Darling
(Turning to Mrs. Darling crossing between Georgina)
Mrs. Darling, let me present Mr. Kettle
Kettle
(Bows)
Mrs. Kettle.
(Turns to Mrs., Kettle)
Mrs. Darling and Mr. Darling.
(Ad lib apology for rudeness over bag)
Isn't it funny, Georgina? We were all married this morning.
#3 Quartette "ISN'T IT GREAT TO BE MARRIED"
(During introduction all come C Mrs. Darling is R Percy Darling is L of her. Georgina is L of him and Eddie is L.)
1st verse
Elsie
This world's all right when someone love you.
Percy and Elsie?
'Tis our delight to do as doves do.
Eddie and George
From Morn till night we coo as doves coo
Eddie
Pidge- woo!
George?
Pidge- woo!
All
Pidge-woo!
Refrain sung in unison
Isn't it great to be happily married to the one you love!
Heigh-ho!
Isn't it great to be somebody's "popsy-wopsy" -- turtle dove!
Heigh-ho!
Poets may write of the heavenly night
And of the stars and moonlight sea,
But living alone, in a home of our own
Is heaven enough for me.
(During interlude one couple walks to right the other to the left, returning to C for verse)
2nd Verse
All
Such bliss is, Oh! So unexpected.
Elsie
'Twould break my heart to be neglected.
Eddie
I married you to be protected.
George and Eddie
Ducky dear!
Percy and Elsie
Cuddle near!
All
Ducky dear!
(Refrain as above)
(Walk during interlude)
3rd Verse
Elsie
What proof have we of our affection?
Percy and Eddie
What can we do in that direction?
Georgina
Give us the vote at next election?
Percy
I agree.
Georgina
He'll agree.
Eddie
I agree.
(Refrain -- as above)
(Encore -- repeat refrain as above)
(All move R- Elsie returns to her seat R Eddie is below her Georgina goes up F, Darling crosses behind Elsie. Eddie is looking under chairs, etc. becoming greatly worried)
Darling
Oh say, excuse ne. I must send off a telegram. Mrs. Kettle, would you mind looking after Mrs. Darling for a few minutes? She is such a helpless little body when left alone.
Mrs. Kettle
I'd like to. Edwin! What are you doing?
(Go to him)
Kettle
Georgina, I have left my suitcase on the train. I'll get right off and find it.
(Starts to leave)
Mrs. Kettle
No, you stay right here!
(She stops him. Darling is now back of Elsie, all attention on her, looking into her eyes and occasionally kissing her. Eddie is left of them and Georgina is L of Eddie)
You will probably miss the boat. I'll go. Mr. Darling-- Mr. Darling---
(It dawns on him that he is being spoken to and he looks up)
Darling
I beg your pardon.
Georgina
You don't mind if I go with you, do you, Mr. Darling?
Darling
Why, certainly not. And you, Kettle, can sit here and look after Mrs. Darling while I've gone.
Mrs. Kettle
And don't you leave this spot.
(She pushes him violently into chair L of Elsie)
I want to find you when I come back.
(She sweeps up to the arch C)
Darling
Good-bye, dearie. I'll be right back.
(He starts up)
Georgiana
As she exits
Will you show me the way to the dock?
Darling looks fondly back from the arch and sneaks. Elsie waves her hand at him behind Eddie.
Darling
Papa's pidgy, widgee!
He exits. The orchestra very pp. repeats the refrain of "Happily Married." Eddie and Elsie look hopelessly toward audience. With the music Eddie says "Heigh-ho" on the next phrase Elsie says "Heigh-ho!" -- then she giggles. He joins her. The music continues once through and stops.
Kettle
Isn't it nice to be married?
Both sigh contentedly
Georgiana, is one fine woman, I tell you.
He shows her, her picture in his watch case
Mrs. Darling
Did you ever see a man like my husband? So strong and handsome
Kettle
Yea, he's strong.
Mrs. Darling
He never gets into messes the way I do.
Kettle
Confidently Do you get into messes too? So do I. Mother always said I could never be trusted out of her sight. But then Georgiana always knows the right thing to do. I never think anything, Mother used to do everything.
Mrs. Darling
Isn't it nice to have someone do everything for you?
Kettle
It certainly is.
Mrs. Darling
I can hardly realize I am on my wedding trip. It's all so wonderful.
Both lean back to sigh contentedly. They draw in their breath and as they begin to sigh the boat whistle does it for them. They stop in fright. Then the boat's bell rings twice, the signal for the boat to start.
Kettle
And it is such a glorious day, too! I love summer days.
Mrs. Darling
Greatly alarmed
Why, the boat's moving.
Mrs. Darling jumps up in distress and rushes to the railing, a little L of where she sat. Kettle follows her. Both look out into audience
Kettle
Why, so it is?
Mrs. Darling
I wonder where my husband is?
Kettle
They will be here in a minute.
Mrs. Darling
But if they should have missed the boat?
Kettle
Oh Georgiana wouldn't miss the boat!
Mrs. Darling
My husband never missed anything in his whole life -- he told me so!
Kettle -- realizes the importance of his position. He pulls her upstage to the chair in which he sat
Kettle
Well, you sit right down here.
He pushes her into chair
I want to find you when I come back!
He starts up to C arch
Mrs. Darling
Rising
No, I'm going to come with you; I don't want to be left here all alone.
Kettle
She takes his arm
Come on then. Women are an awful responsibility.
Exeunt both C to L
There exeunt is the cue for
Specialty Dance and Encores
After number re-enter Eddie Kettle and Elsie Darling -- C from L. They come down C she is on his R
Kettle
Then we've really lost them!
Mrs. Darling
What'll we do now?
Kettle
Hopelessly
I am sure I don't know.
Mrs. Darling
Very much agitated
But you must do something. I can't possibly travel with you.
She moves R by chair, extreme R
Why, it's my wedding trip.
Sits
Kettle
Well, it's my wedding trip, too.
He comes R and sits beside her, L of her
Mrs. Darling
Yes, but the point is, it isn't our wedding trip. Oh! What will Mother say?
Kettle
What will Georgiana say?
Mrs. Darling
Well, you're a man -- do something!
As she notices that Kettle sits there hopelessly
You must do something! Percy left me in your care.
Kettle
Remains seated and straightens up
Don't worry. I'll do something.
Dejectedly
But what shall I do?
Mrs. Darling
Starts to cry
I don't know
Kettle
Oh! Please don't cry and don't worry, I'll do something. I don't know what it is, but I'll do it.
He rises
You were left in my care and I'll protect you in every way as if I were Percy.
The Steward enters up L. and arranges to table
Kettle walks over to L. C.
Oh, Steward, ask the Captain to come here at once, please.
Steward
The cap'n can't leave the bridge, sir.
Kettle
Turning and crossing down to Mrs. Darling There's something the matter with the bridge, the Captain can't leave it. Who shall I ask for now?
Mrs. Darling
I don't know
She goes off into a cry -- then recovers and says
I remember a little nonsense verse which says "The Captain told the Mate," -- ask for the Mate, whatever that is.
Cries as she says "Whatever that is"
Kettle
Cross up
Steward! Ask the Mate to come up please.
Steward
L. C. I'll send the Pussah up, sir.
Kettle
Who?
Steward
Ah sade the Pussah!
Kettle
Bewildered Oh yes, the Pussah!
Steward
Yes, sir; coming right up.
Exits L. U.
Kettle
Coming down -- to Mrs. Darling more cheerfully
Now everything will be all right. The Pussah is coming right up.
Mrs. Darling
Cries
What's that?
Kettle
I don't know but he's coming right up.
Enter Purser L starts to C
Mr. Purser, how long before this boat stops?
Purser
Our next stop is on the west shore of the river. We get there in about half an hour.
Mrs. Darling
Half an hour.
She rises
Oh, see if you can't hurry up a bit. Ask the Captain to make the boat go faster.
Purser
I'm afraid he can't do that. But say, I don't see what you two are in such a hurry for. I know if I were on my wedding trip I wouldn't care if the boat never got there.
Elsie and Eddies step close to each other and then walk down R C to the rail
Mrs. Darling
Did he say wedding trip?
Kettle
Yes
Purser
Sure. Everybody on the boat knows that you two are on your wedding trip.
Kettle
Everybody thinks we are on our wedding trip.
Purser
Yes. Congratulations.
Slaps Eddie's hand sharply and shakes it violently. Then laughing loudly he exits C to L
Kettle
C
Did you hear what he said?
Mrs. Darling
R of Kettle -- meekly
Yes!
She begins to cry softly
Kettle
We are on our wedding trip!
Mrs. Darling
Yes.
Crying
Kettle
And the whole boat knows it.
Mrs. Darling
What'll we do now?
Kettle
We'll get off at the next stop, take a boat right back to Poughkeepsie, and there we'll find Georgiana and your husband.
Mrs. Darling
Oh yes.
Crosses to him
Kettle
So now I suppose we might as well make the best of it.
Mrs. Darling
Following Kettle I've been too excited to eat a thing all day. If you don't mind; I'm awfully hungry.
Kettle
Sure, I don't mind.
He reaches into his pockets.
Mrs. Darling
I never thought I'd be hungry on my wedding trip.
Rather embarrassed
But then, this isn't exactly my wedding trip, is it?
Kettle
No, not without your husband. Sort of a necessary evil as it were.
Mrs. Darling
Glancing at table up L
Here's a table, can't we lunch here?
She turns front arranging her hat in the small mirror in her hand bag
Kettle
Looking through pockets for money
Yes, that's a cute little table over there ---
He realizes that Georgiana took all the money
But I'm not so very hungry. Beg pardon, have you any money?
Mrs. Darling
Yes, I think I have some.
She looks in her pocket-book, then laughs when she sees how little she has. He looks up delighted, thinking she has plenty
Only a dime.
Kettle
Funny, isn't it. Well, I've got just eleven cents, Georgiana took all my money away.
Mrs. Darling
R. C.
Well, what will we do now?
Kettle
L. C.
That's simple. We don't eat.
Mrs. Darling
We don't eat? When I'm so hungry?
Steward with heavy laden tray of edibles, comes from left and crosses in front of them, walking past them. Both Kettle and Mrs. Darling follow him with hungry glances then start after him falling into step with him. Eddie begin to speak in time with the walk, on the second "hope" Elsie joins in. As he walks Eddie takes off his hat.
Kettle
I hope he trips. I hope he trips. I hope he trips.
The Steward exits. Elsie is extreme R -- Eddie is L C. as they first follow the Steward, the Frenchman enters C from L, reading a Day Line folder. He starts down r and the Steward exits he jumps into Eddie
Excuse me - -
Frenchman
Pardon -- pardon -- you will forgive me, won't you.
He kisses Eddie on the top of the head. Eddie shakes his head with wounded pride
Kettle
That's alright -- that's alright.
The Frenchman goes up to the newsstand where he carries on a pantomime conversation with someone off stage
Mrs. Darling
He seems to be a nice man.
Kettle
Yes, but sort of silly.
Mrs. Darling
He has a nice kind face.
Kettle
Yes but he's too generous with it.
Mrs. Darling
Why don't you ask his advice?
Kettle
Would you? Guess I will. Excuse me. One minute, sir.
Frenchman
Yes.
He excuses himself at newsstand and come down L C
Kettle
Oh, excuse me, sir. I would like to ask you -- some advice.
Frenchman
I should be very 'appy, I am sure.
Elsie is R Eddie is C Frenchman is L
Kettle
What would you do if you found yourself taking a trip with another man's wife?
Frenchman
What?
Kettle
Oh by mistake, of course.
Frenchman
You want to know what I would doo eef I was taking a treep with another man's wife? Moi? -- Quel chance!
Winking in ecstacy toward audience, hat in hand
Elle est ezquise, rauissante, bouise santé.
Kettle
Yes - and after that?
Frenchman
Well I'd - how you say -- I'd show her a good time.
Kettle
I guess you don't understand. What would you do first?
Frenchman
Well, first I'd give her ze sweet leetle kees ... Elsie goes R to chair and sits And after that I'd order a big cold bottle.
Kettle
Oh, no, that would never do! Wouldn't you wire her husband?
Frenchman
What? Wire her husband? You f'ink I am crazy? What are you doing -- making fun of me?
Kettle
I knew you didn't understand.
Frenchman
Oh, but I understand -- parfaitment, you are ze one lucky devil. An' you know, to look at you, you would never think it -- you naughty leetle boy! Good luck, mon petite choux...
The Frenchman goes up laughing and exits L U
Kettle
Holds position L C
I'm sorry I spoke to him!
Then over to Mrs. Darling
I guess it's better to let them think we are married.
Mrs. Darling
Oh no!
She rises and comes to R of him
Kettle
We'll probably never see any of them again in all our lives.
Mrs. Darling
I'm so hungry.
Kettle
He turns to look at table -- and sees Rivers off L
Why if it isn't Dick Rivers, I'll borrow some money from him.
Mrs. Darling
What are you going to tell him?
Kettle
Don't you worry. You sit down. I'll be diplomatic.
She goes back to chair extreme R and sits. Rivers enters down stage L
Why Dick Rivers, of all people! How are you?
Rivers
They meet L C
Hello Kettle!
They shake hands
Kettle
You are just the man I want to see.
Rivers
They told me you were on board and I have been looking for you.
Kettle
Oh, I'm awfully glad to see you. Can you let me have twenty dollars?
Rivers
But on your wedding trip and no money?
Kettle
I gave it to my wife.
Rivers
Well, why don't you ask her for it?
Kettle
Suddenly remembering that Georgiana is off the boat and Elsie must pass as his wife
Why, she -- gave it to a -- a beggar.
Rivers
To a beggar? How much money did you have?
Kettle
Oh, three or four hundred dollars!
Rivers
Good Lord! And she gave that to a beggar?
Kettle
Well - she's awfully good-hearted.
Rivers
Taking money from his pocket and kissing it
Well, I suppose it's only once in a lifetime, a wedding trip.
Eddie quickly takes money, Rivers crosses over to Mrs. Darling, takes her by hand.
And now, Mrs. Kettle, I am pleased to meet you. I am an old friend of your husband.
Back to R of Eddie
Kettle your wife and I must be friends also.
Kettle
My wife? Oh, yes! That's the wife!
Mrs. Darling
Trying to think of something to say I see you are going in the same direction we are.
Rivers
With Eddie he walks mysteriously down to the rail looking across the water (audience)
Am I - ? Why so I am. Seeing we're on the same boat we might as well - -
He sits L of Mrs. Darling
Kettle giggles
Mrs. Darling
Where do you get off?
Rivers
Well, I don't know exactly. Where do you get off?
Mrs. Darling and Kettle look at each other helplessly for a moment
Kettle
Suddenly giggles -- try to convey the idea that he's a regular little devil
Oh! We're - -we're not telling.
Rivers
Oh, I see. On your wedding trip. I understand.
Slaps Kettle on the back, nearly knocking him over the rail into the water
Kettle
I wish you wouldn't be so rough. I have an awful fierce temper.
Glancing into water and arranging his clothes
Rivers
Well I certainly envy you two. Wish I were in your shoes.
Kettle
So do -- I.
Rivers
Maybe I'll be following you soon. I've just met the most wonderful girl.
Kettle
Absently
Ye-es. Do tell, do tell.
Rivers
By the way, she said she knew you slightly.
Kettle
Who knows me?
Rivers
Elsie Lilly --
Kettle
Elsie? Is Elsie on this boat?
Mrs. Darling
Rises, giggling and comes C R of Dick
That's funny; my name is Elsie, too.
Rivers
Is it?
Kettle
Starting before him
Elsie.
Rivers
What's the matter?
Kettle
Oh nothing. I was just thinking of Georgina.
Rivers
Who's Georgina?
Kettle
Georgina is my -- my --
Laughs nervously
Oh, she's my mother's favorite Angors cat.
He turns L, his hands clasped as though in prayer. He goes well over. Rivers turns to Elsie
Mrs. Darling
Oh, isn't that terrible.
Rivers
Turning from her and going L to Eddie I remember you used to tell us about one of your mother's cats that always slept curled up on the foot of your bed -- Is that the one?
Kettle
No -- no that was a different one.
Rivers
Miss Lilly confessed to me that she had a youthful love affair with a chap named Eddie -- You don't know who that was, do you?
Kettle
No, I don't.
Rivers
If I ever find him, I'm going to give him a jolly good thrashing.
Kettle
Crossing Rivers to Elsie
Don't you think we'd better go out and eat now?
Cross R to C
Mrs. Darling
Yes -- Let's.
She takes his arm
Rivers
Following Eddie
When I think of the fellow it makes me so jealous -- he probably kissed her.
Kettle
No, no I'm sure he didn't.
Mrs. Darling
You know, Mr. Rivers, you're just like my husband -- he's the most jealous man in the world. Eddie realizes she is about to give herself away.
Kettle
Excuse me.
He tries to turn upstage to go. She hangs on his arm and Rivers grabs him.
Rivers
I'll go and get Miss Lilly. I know she would like to see you again. He slaps him roughly and then catches him
Kettle
Don't bother.
Rivers
It's no bother. It's such fun to see old acquaintances meet and I want to be there. I suppose you two want to stay here a while and spooney-wooney.
He goes up to arch to L U
Mrs. Darling
Oh no, no -- no -- we don'tee
Kettle
Oh, get outee, get outee.
Rivers
Oh get outee yourself -- it's a long honeymoon that has no turning.
He exits to L U
Kettle
Mine's turned already.
Mrs. Darling
Wouldn't it be polite to ask your friend to dine with us?
The Steward enters, and brings down the table to L C
Kettle
He's no particular friend of mine.
Mrs. Darling
Why, I thought you said he was.
Kettle
Your husband and he and I were at college at the same time. But he was more a friend of your husband's than he was of mine. I never went about with him much. He led too gay a life to suit me.
Mrs. Darling
What! And you say my husband went around with him?
Kettle
Greatly alarmed
Well, you see Percy really went around with him to try to reform him.
Trying to comfort her
Mrs. Darling
Rather suspicious
Oh, I see! Oh, here's the steward.
She crosses toward table
Can we have our lunch here?
Steward
Yaas'm -- right heah.
She goes to the L of the table, he helps her into chair -- there [then] hands bill of fair
Kettle
Comes to R of chair R of table, Elsie removes gloves
This is a very pleasantly siti -- this is a very pleasantly siti ---- This is a nice place, isn't it?
He puts his hat on upstage and of table
Where are the things that are ready Steward?
Steward
Right here ma'am.
Pointing them out for her
Mrs. Darling
I'll have some grapefruit, and some cream of celery, and some nice green olives - -
The Steward writing the order on a pad he takes from his pocket. Eddie begins to stare in horror
Some roast turkey --
Eddie grabs the water bottle and tremblingly fills the water glass
Asparagus tips, tomatoes and lettuce salad,
Eddies turns upstage and taking bill out of pocket makes sure it is a "twenty"
And I'll order the rest later.
Steward passes the Menu to Eddie
Kettle
Let me have some crackers and a bowl of milk.
He puts the Menu under him, sitting on it. The Steward is surprised and looks for it
Steward
And will you have a cocktail, Sah?
Kettle
Cocktail -- no. No thank you.
Mrs. Darling
Oh, do take one! Percy always does.
Kettle
I never had one in all my life.
Mrs. Darling
Percy says it braces him up.
Kettle
Well, if they brace you up, I think I will have one. What kind have you?
The Steward is dumbfounded
Steward
We have Manhattan, Martini and Bronix
Kettle
To her -- half-aside Which shall I take?
Mrs. Darling
The same way Martini
Kettle
I like the sound of Bronix.
Mrs. Darling
Percy says they have no kick.
Kettle
Alright, a martini, with a kick.
Steward exits L U
Surely Georgina won't mind my taking just this one. Won't you have one too?
Mrs. Darling
Oh, no! Percy doesn't like me to have them. He says they are all right for a man, though.
Kettle
Yes, and I'm a man! All right.
Steward enters with a cocktail on a tray. He comes behind table
Steward
Here's your cocktail Boss, and believe me, it has some kick.
Kettle
Thanks, isn't that thoughtful. I do hope this braces me up, I feel all wobbly in the knees. It's pretty. Isn't it?
Begins to sip it
Mrs. Darling
You mustn't sip it. Drink it down. Percy always does. He says that is the only way to drink a cocktail.
Kettle
Down
He drinks it in one gulp. It burns him, he chokes, he grabs the water glass and drains it, he kicks, he holds his napkin over his face and turns sideways in his chair.
My but that burns. It's little but it's "oh, my" but it feels kind of good now that it's down.
Mrs. Darling
Did they remember to put in the kick?
Kettle
You bet they did. I feel it way down here.
Mrs. Darling
Percy says they make him feel like another man -
Kettle
Yes. I'm feeling more like your husband every minute.
Steward enters with tray - gives Elsie grapefruit
Mrs. Darling
Oh, you mustn't say that.
Steward place bowl and crackers before Eddie.
Steward
Here's your dinner, sah.
The Steward is smiling at the order
Kettle
Thank you, Stew - Steward?
The Steward is offended and exits L U
Kettle picks up cracker and idly turns it in his hand then he tries to look by it moving it from side to side. He does not understand the symptoms. The cracker breaks in his fingers and falls into the bowl. He puts one hand in after it as though to break it up. Then he uses the other hand to hold the first one in. Then he thinks it is a finger bowl and uses it as such. He wipes his hands and mouth on his napkin. He leans back in his chair and rolls the empty water glass across his forehead to cool it. He puts the glass down. Mrs. Darling has been eating her grapefruit not noticing him. Now he sees her and peers across the table. He suddenly moves to one side in his chair. She observes him and quickly moves the opposite way. They do this several times. One leaning upstage when the other is leaning down stage. At last he speaks
Do I look funny?
Mrs. Darling
Why no!
Kettle
Well, you do. You look all hazy. And now your features are getting to be all indistinct, as if somebody had wipped them out with a sponge. I feel awfully funny. Why, I feel like laughing, but I don't know what to laugh about.
Mrs. Darling
Oh, don't laugh, oh, Percy has left me alone with a drunkard.
Kettle
Laugh
I can't help it. You look so funny.
Laugh
Dick Rivers and Madame Matroppo enters C from [enter from C] He comes down r of Kettle and slaps him on the shoulder Madame Matroppo drops down R C Kettle thinks it is the waiter
The same.
Dick slaps him a little harder
It feels like -
Kettle turns and sees Dick
Yes, it is.
Rivers
Excuse me. Madame Matroppo, I want to present my friends, Mr. and Mrs. Edwin Kettle.
Both Mrs. Darling and Kettle rise by their chairs.
MME Matroppo
Crossing to R of Eddie. Dick drop R of M
Kettle did you say? Oh, that will be easy to remember. You simply have to think of a kettle of fish.
Kettle
When I want to remember you I'll think of a grasshopper.
He laughs loudly and goes up. Rivers motions to him to be quiet.
MME Matroppo
A bridal couple. How sweet.
She comes to front of table and Kettle drops down on her R. Rivers was motioning to him to behave. MME speaks to Elsie
And so well mated, aren't you. It always seems so silly when a little man picks out a big woman, or a big man marries a little woman but you make such a cute pair.
Rivers
Well, I'm going to find Miss Lilly. Wait here, Eddie.
He slaps Kettle on the back with one hand and catch[es] him with the other. Then he exits C to l.
Kettle
That's a mean habit.
MME Matroppo
Such a charming young man, Mr. Rivers.
Kettle
Yes he has a very striking personality.
Mrs. Darling
I don't think he's as charming as he appears. It seems that he has a scarlet past -
She begins to cry and turns away to L.
In which my husband had some share.
MME Matroppo
Turning to look at Kettle move a little toward him
Mr. Kettle!
Mrs. Darling
Mr. Kettle?
She turns back - remembering their predicament
Why no! Oh, you see I always call him by his first name.
MME Matroppo
Turning to Mrs. Darling
What is his first name?
Kettle
Whispers
Eddie.
Mrs. Darling
She does not get it.
Clarence!
MME Matroppo
But I thought Mr. Rivers called him...
Kettle
Edwin? Yes, he did call me Edwin. In fact, my name is Edwin. Clarence is a little pet name she has for me.
Kettle crosses Matroppo to Mrs. Darling
MME Matroppo
Laughing goes to C clearing the table
Don't let me keep you from your lunch.
Kettle
I you'll excuse me. You see, Mrs - I mean, her, has been so excited all day, she couldn't eat a thing - so we just want to get a bite...
He sits R of table, Elsie sits L of it
MME Matroppo
Going up C
Of course, of course - I understand - You want to be alone you sly cuties.
Kettle throws his napkin at her.
Kettle
Aren't we the devils.
She exits laughing C to L
Mrs. Darling
Are you feeling better?
Kettle
Yes; I'm felling awful good. You know it strikes me so funny - our sitting here this way...
Mrs. Darling
I think it's pretty awful.
Kettle
Try a cocktail and it won't seem so bad. No - champagne - that's the stuff. Where's the black hope?
The Steward enter L U
Steward, a bottle of champagne - with a couple of kicks in it.
Steward
Right away boss.
He exits
Kettle
They tell me when you get married, you've got to say good-bye to the girls - and a good time and all that - but just look at me -
He laughs and throws the crackers into the air
And I was only married this morning.
Wedding Bells Are Calling Me
He
Every man must marry and the music he must face.
She
One must do and dare it, has to grin and bear it
He
Doesn't matter if for years a chap has gone the pace,
He at last meets one he loves the best
He may fancy many, seem the one and only girl
She
Find he's mistaken, when his faith is shaken
He
But it happens some fine day, just the right one comes his way
Then he says goodbye to all the rest
He rises and goes to L C Elsie fixes herself in mirror in bag.
Refrain
He
So long dear Ophelia,
And good bye to little Delia
Day, day, Hilda Ann Matilda
Fare-the-well my Sweet Maris
Ta ta pretty Polly,
I shall long for you my Molly
I'm missing lots of kissing
But the toddle up the aisle
And the wedding bells are calling me
The show girls enter one on the end
Of each phrase "Ophelia Delia" etc.
They cross below the table L then up C
And over to R they form a diagonal line
And come down stage putting Eddie in
The middle. Then they work up stage
During the interlude the girls break their line and surround him all chattering at once. Elsie rises and comes a little L of C
She
Up to now this life has been a pleasure trip to me.
The girls curtsy leaving him standing in a circle
He
Following your fancies
Living love romances.
She
I've coquetted mildly with
The men I've chanced to see
He
Never cared what anybody said
The girls circle him
How I'll sit beside the fire
Reading fashion papers
The girls curtsey
No more cutting papers
She
When the boys come round to play
I will simply laugh and say,
Don't you see that I have just been wed?
The girls circle the boys enter L
And group themselves below the table
She
So long Laughing Larry,
And good bye to handsome Harry,
Day, day gilbert the Filbert,
Fare-the-well my Anthony!
Ta-ta little Teddy
I'm afraid I'll miss you Freddy
Oh folly you were jolly
But the toddle up the aisle
And wedding bells, are calling me
The boys raising their hats pass her to C
And up the on each name, they clear away
The tables and chairs and form a line behind
Her. Eddie and girls in a cross stage line are
Working up and down stage on kissing the
Boys come down and get Elsie on Wedding
They work upstage
Everybody
So long dear Ophelia,
And goodbye to little Delia
Day day Hilda Ann Matilda
Fare-the-well my sweet Marie
Ta ta pretty Polly
I shall long for you my Molly
I'm missing lots of kissing
But the toddle up the aisle
And wedding bells, are calling me.
Eddie and Elsie break to off stage ends
Of their lines and begin to circle across
Stage. Then down stage to C. They lead
The line up to C on toddle they circle
Through the arch the couples make down
To foot on "bells" the couples break
Their line and get in position for dance
Everybody
Repeat alone refrain
Couples form a semicircle, facing L.
Eddie and Elsie down C little girls enter
With Eddie's baggage old hat and pair
Of shoes tied together each girl with an
Object. On missing girls come down.
Put hat on head. Shoes around neck and
Baggage in his hand. Then little girls
Drop on knee waving to them
CURTAIN
Everybody
Isn't it great to be happily married to the one you love -
Heigh ho!
Isn't it great to be some body's
Popsy hopsy turtle dove
Heigh ho!
Hi - hi - hi - hi -
Everybody on feet facing couples
Purser enters arch up C. Everybody
Jumps in time with line
Everybody still
Everybody jumps
Everybody Still
Eddie and Elsie have tried to escape
To left than to right but girls stop them.
Then they try center to audience. He
Pulls her back they start to strut up C
Chorus stand pointing at them at each
"Hi" beginning to pop and work-up
Forte. They exit on last "Hi" Steward
Enters with suitcase, followed by Mme
Matroppo. Frenchman with his bag
Dick Rivers and Elsie enters from down
L on last Hi they come to C and are
About to exit up C as chorus wave
Good bye
Hi - hi - hi - hi -
But living alone
In a home of our own
Is heaven enough for us.
ACT II
"On the Beach at Li Li Wee"
Elsie
On the beach at Li - Li - Wee.
Ensemble
Shush - Shush - Shush
To the music of the sea
Ensemble
Shush - Shush - Shush
Sang a man whose heart beat fast,
A love like mine will last.
Till the stars shining in their distant places
Far above the sea, -
Miss the sun-lit wave that races
Down the beach of Li - Li - Wee
Repeat refrain, Elsie in F and Ensemble ppp
At end of second refrain, steal out spot on Elsie, steal in spot on Dick
Dick
On the beach at Li - Li - Wee.
Ensemble
Shush - Shush - Shush.
Stands a maiden fair to see
Ensemble
Shush - Shush - Shush
By her side a native son,
So close they seemed like one.
But the stars shining in their distant places
Far above the sea, -
Saw them kiss each other's faces,
On the beach at Li - Li - Wee.
Repeat refrain, dick in F and ensemble pp
At end of refrain, reverse spots
Elsie
On the beach at Li - Li - Wee.
Ensemble
Shush - Shush - Shush
If you go there you will see.
Ensemble
He's still waiting day by day
But she has flown away
At the beginning of refrain, everybody - but Clerk - sway in unison to R and L
But the stars shining in their distant places
Far above the sea,
Know a hundred just such cases
On the beach of Li - Li - Wee.
Repeat refrain - Elsie in f and Ensemble FF. At beginning of second refrain Elsie slips from table and comes down stage, a boy stepping to R of her and another to L. Dick comes down stage bringing a girl R and L of him. Steal in the second spot to cover the sextette. One of the boys moves the table into the entrance R, 2 another carried out the stool from L to C. Boys and girls move toward entrances R and L. The sextette splits into two groups of three each. The spots follow them. They exit. Elsie and two boys R Dick and two girls L. The white foots, borders and entrance strips come up on the dimmer to full
Encore
White light down and out, Blue spots pick up Elsie R and Dick L the Come C
Dick and Elsie
But the stars shining in their distant places
Far above the sea
Watch the old lies light new faces
On the beach at Li - Li - Wee.
They exeunt L lights up as before Spots out. The Clerk switches on the brackets 2 Arcs - Amber - on to flood stage 2 arcs White - on to Flood stage. The Clerk turns to sort the sail
The Frenchman enters R C in flat.
Frenchman
Good evening. Ze purser on ze boat told me if I mentioned his name you would take very good care of me. I say - ze purser on ze boat said if I mentioned his name you would take very good care of me.
Clerk
Turning around
What do you want me to do, kiss you?
Frenchman
I would like a room
Clerk
Dollar and a half do?
Frenchman
Have you anything else?
Clerk
Yes, two, two and a half and three. With, without or family style?
Frenchman
What do you mean?
Clerk
With bath, without bath, or Saturday night privilege.
Frenchman
I thought you advertised from one dollar up?
Clerk
Yes, but I'm afraid that dollar room has gone.
Frenchman
But I should like a dollar room.
Clerk
All right - I'll give you fourteen.
Frenchman
Is that a nice room?
Clerk
Is 14 a nice room. You wait here and I'll bring it down and show it to you.
The Frenchman is busy taking off his gloves while the Clerk looks at bag - then looks over the desk to see if there is other baggage on the floor. Then he pounces on bag.
Say, is that all the baggage you've got?
Frenchman
Yes.
Clerk
You'll have to pay in advance.
Frenchman
I beg your pardon, but do you know who I am?
Clerk
No; don't you know anyone who can tell you? Listen - The last guy that rimmed me out of a hotel bill signed himself "Lou Telligen, the Gifted."
Frenchman
Show me that room.
Clerk
Show me that dollar.
Frenchman
There is your dol-lar.
Gives him silver dollar. Clerk takes it and drops it on top of desk to hear it ring
Clerk
You can pull that stuff in the big cities, but it don't go in this burg. Register.
Frenchman takes pen and begins to write. The Clerk yawns, then looks at him in wonder, then passes the ink well leaving it on the register.
What are you doing - writing home for money?
Frenchman completes his signature
What does that say?
Frenchman
George Francis, Sammarer de Rougemont.
Clerk
Recite that again slowly, and with gestures.
Frenchman
George Francis, Sammarer de Rougemont.
Clerk
Yes; some do and some don't.
Frenchman
I have never been so insulted in my life.
Going down C
Clerk
Coming down L of him with bag, and key from rack
Then I guess you haven't traveled much. Now listen - take that door there and go down the hall till you hear a female voice say "sir" - - And it's the next room.
Frenchman crosses to L
Here's your key - -
Frenchman stops and takes key, then starts again
Wait! Here's your little vanity case.
Frenchman takes bag and starts off in anger
Frenchman
Oh! My little vanity case.
He exits L. Clerk goes back of desk.
Enter R U Eddie carrying baggage from Act 1, followed by Mrs. Darling. He puts the baggage down beside the water cooler as she comes down R.C. Eddie comes down on the L
Kettle
Well, here we are at least. Are you tired, sweetie?
Mrs. Darling
You mustn't call me "Sweetie".
Kettle
A slip of the tongue. I forget sometimes.
Mrs. Darling
But you mustn't forget. I don't ever mistake you for my husband.
Kettle
No.
Mrs. Darling
About to cry
No. My husband wouldn't have let the other people take all the hacks and made me walk! I never spent such a miserable day in all my life.
Stamping her foot
Hurry up and see about our getting back to Poughkeepsie.
Kettle
Goes to desk
Yes, I will.
He goes up right of desk. Mrs. Darling follows part way to front of steps.
Oh Clerk, when does the next boat leave for Poughkeepsie? There was a green man down at the dock and he didn't seem to know anything.
Clerk
A green man - gosh - and I told them to have a light blue one. What did he tell you?
Kettle
He said there wasn't any.
Clerk
Perhaps he knew more than you thought he did.
Mrs. Darling
Going up C L - she whines
You mean there isn't another boat?
Clerk
Imitating her
Not to-day.
Mrs. Darling
What'll we do now?
Kettle
Very determinedly
Why, there must be another boat back to Poughkeepsie.
Clerk
Say, I'd write to the President of the line about it if I was you.
Kettle
As if inspired, turning to her
Oh, I have it.
Mrs. Darling
C
What is it?
Kettle
L C
We'll take a train.
Mrs. Darling
Yes.
Kettle
Turning to Clerk
When does the next train leave for Poughkeepsie?
Clerk
Tomorrow morning at ten -thirty.
Kettle
Tomorrow morning? Can't we get to Poughkeepsie any other way?
Clerk
Yes; you can take a train down to Weehawken, take the ferry across the river, take a trolley to the Grand Central Station and then take the New York Central up to "Kaughpipsy" Poughkeepsie.
Kettle
Of course! When does the next train for Kee-walken - I mean Weehawken leave?
Clerk
Who has been busying himself with the register
Ten fifteen -
Kettle
Splendid!
Clerk
--In the morning.
Kettle
What train leaves tonight?
Clerk
There ain't no more.
Kettle
Greatly alarmed
No more trains out of here tonight?
Clerk
No! No! No!
Kettle
Surely some trains must stop here before the ten fifteen tomorrow morning?
Clerk
Yes; there's a train in here from New York tonight.
Kettle
We can take that.
Clerk
No you can't.
Kettle
Why not?
Clerk
It don't go any further. Then there is a train from New York at four in the morning -
Kettle and Mrs. Darling brighten up a little
Now, if I was you - I - No, you can't take that; that's a newspaper train and don't carry no passengers.
Kettle
How do the people who live here ever get out of this town?
Clerk
Most of them have gone, and the rest have been here so long they don't care.
Mrs. Darling
Aghast - coming down C
Well then, we will have to stay here for the night!
Kettle follows her down, coming to her L
Clerk
Ain't it the truth?
Mrs. Darling
What will we do now?
Kettle
I think I'll have another cocktail.
Mrs. Darling
We have to get out of here somehow tonight.
Kettle
We can't. Not till morning.
Mrs. Darling
And poor Percy sitting, waiting, in Poughkeepsie.
Kettle
Oh, don't worry! Georgina will look after him!
Mrs. Darling
Going to chair R C
I think Percy is quite capable of taking care of himself.
She starts to cry - sits
Kettle
Pleadingly
Please don't cry. Don't cry, please!
Mrs. Darling cries all the harder. Kettle speaks with stern command
I say don't cry.
Mrs. Darling
Stops crying at once
All right, I won't.
Kettle
Looks at her oddly, then suddenly smiles slyly, goes over to her
Are all women like that?
Mrs. Darling
Like what?
Kettle
When you beg them they pay no attention to you. You have to command them?
Mrs. Darling
Yes; I think they are.
Kettle
I'll remember that. I suppose we might as well make up our mind to stay for the night.
Clerk
I can give you a nice room
Kettle
Quickly - going up toward desk
Two rooms.
Clerk
Two rooms?
Mrs. Darling
Following Kettle
Two rooms.
Clerk
Gosh, there ain't enough between them for one room.
Sorts handful of mail
Mrs. Darling
C. whispering to Kettle, takes him by arm
Make him give you a room right next to mine. I'll be terribly afraid all alone.
Kettle
Yes, I will. I guess your husband won't mind if I use his things. He has my suitcase.
Clerk
All right - I'll give you two nice rooms on the balcony.
Picks up phone and is about to call as Kettle shakes out handkerchief, drops rice all over the floor
Ah-ha!
Clerk comes out from desk. As he sees the rice, he starts to sing The Wedding March and marches around them, crossing below them to R and behind them to L, holding up coat as tho' it were a train, continues walk behind desk, beginning Wedding March - they move in fear to R
Register - Register?
Kettle
Oh yes; we must register mustn't we?
He goes up to desk, she goes up C
Clerk
Imitating lisp and holding pen to Kettle
You bet you must - even at your size.
Kettle in stupefication at the pen
Take it, take it; it's dead
Kettle takes it and jumps so he is resting on his elbows on the desk, his feet off the floor and writes. The Clerk reads what he writes
If the rice hadn't told me you were on your honeymoon, this would
Kettle
What is it?
Clerk
You forgot to register for your wife. Only guys what is just married forgets their wives. Afterwards they try to forget them and can't.
Kettle
Must I write Mrs. Kettle underneath.
Clerk
No, just put "and wife".
Kettle
Yes, ma'am - I mean yes sir.
Kettle makes a frantic reach and adds "and wife". The Clerk turns the register to read. Mrs. Darling comes to him and brings him down L or C. She on his R.
Mrs. Darling
R C
What did you put down?
Kettle
Edwin Kettle and wife.
Mrs. Darling
What did you do that for?
Kettle
Because you have to.
Mrs. Darling
Well, maybe you do. But that can be used against you.
Kettle
No - how?
Mrs. Darling
Proud of her superior knowledge
There was a perfectly awful woman lived in our block, and she got a divorce on account of a hotel register.
Kettle
So Percy could get a divorce from you.
Mrs. Darling
Yes, but the other man's wife got a divorce from him on account of the same hotel register.
Kettle
I see. Oh, this is awful. So Georgina could get a divorce from me too.
Mrs. Darling
You've got to destroy it - steal it or something.
Kettle
Yes, but how?
Clerk is busy back of desk, they turn and start for stairs facing upstage, as Madame Matroppo enters.
Enter Madame Matroppo. She carries a bag and a be-ribboned nightgown, evidently been in the hotel long enough to change her gown. She places the suitcase above the door and throws the nightgown across it and then stands and pounds the register in high indignation.
MME Matroppo
Clerk, you must change my room. I find one half of it is already occupied - by the roof.
Clerk
You've got nothing on me - my bed is painted on the wall.
Kettle and Mrs. Darling start to go upstairs, as they get on the first step Madame sees them
MME Matroppo
Why, if there isn't Mr. and Mrs. Fish.
They turn on the steps, facing front. The Clerk looks for "Fish" in the register
How are you now, my dears?
Clerk
Why, they only just got here. What did you expect 'em to do, grow up?
Kettle
Are all those people here too?
MME Matroppo
Oh yes, we all came here.
Kettle
ALL? Is - is Elsie here?
MME Matroppo
Oh yes. Miss Lily and all my pupils, and Mr. Rivers
Kettle
Jolly old Dick Rivers?
MME Matroppo
She explodes over the word with a sound like a steamboat whistle
He was going to Albany, but as soon as he found out I was coming here he changed his mind and come too.
Giggles
Funny, wasn't it?
Kettle
Awfully funny - very quaint.
MME Matroppo
Well, I mustn't keep you standing here. You naturally want to go to your room.
They come one step down
Kettle
Pardon me, our rooms.
They turn and start up
MME Matroppo
Rooms?
They go up to R side of landing
Well, well, run along.
To clerk
See that you give them a nice suite, Mr. Dayton
She goes down R by table in archway R
Clerk
My name's Cleveland.
He throws a pen at desk, it bounces out to C. He comes from behind the desk to R of stairs to get bags.
MME Matroppo
Oh yes, yes, of course. I remember placing you in the state of Ohio.
She takes newspaper from table and stands reading
Clerk
Picking up bags and starting upstairs
This way. I'll show you to your rooms.
As the Clerk passes them on the landing going up stairs to L
Mrs. Darling
Give us something very quiet and peaceful, boy.
Clerk
To MME Matroppo
If anybody should ask for the Clerk, the bellboy, the chambermaid, or the porter - tell them I'll be right back.
Kettle and Mrs. Darling follow him up to room 9 extreme L where he stands L of door after throwing half the baggage into the room
Mrs. Darling
I'm so tired from my walk, I think I'll go straight to bed.
Exit Mrs. Darling into room
Kettle
Yes, I'm tired too.
He tries to follow her. The Clerk slams the door in his face
Clerk
Crossing Kettle and starting down stairs
I'm putting you on the other side of the great divide.
Kettle
Listlessly
That's all right. Anywhere you like.
Clerk
As he opens room 3 - extreme R and throws in rest of baggage
Ain't even goin' to kiss her good night?
Kettle
No - no, thank you - not now - later on - perhaps.
Kettle exits.
The Clerk starts downstairs and comes to front of desk.
Dick Rivers enters L 2 and comes to MME Matroppo
Clerk
Gosh! They're making husbands smaller every year!
Rivers
Was that Eddie Kettle?
MME Matroppo
Yes; those little love birds.
River
Love birds. I'll be different sort of love bird if I ever get married.
MME Matroppo
You are thinking of getting married too?
Rivers
Yes.
MME Matroppo
How romantic, isn't it? I'm going out to walk Mr. Stream, by the lake in the moonlight.
She flirts with him, going to R
Would you care to come too?
Rivers
Later on, perhaps. You go and I may join you presently.
MME Matroppo
I shall be singing - let that guide you.
She coquettishly shakes her finger at him as tho' hypnotizing him and then exits R 2 E
Rivers
Following her over to R C
You bet it will guide me - thanks for the warning!
Clerk
Shush! She's way behind in her knitting. Say, are you going to marry Madame X?
Coming C to Dick
Rivers
Marry her ?
Clerk
Crossing L to arch L 2
Because if you do I'll see you get the iron cross.
Rivers
No, now that I've found the girl of my heart, and she's found me, we'll both find a nest together.
Clerk
Sounds like a song cue.
Rivers
It is.
Clerk
All right, you strain your voice while I go out and strain the milk
Exit Clerk l 2 R
If I Find a Girl
Dick crosses R to back of chair during
Interlude
Some boys have plenty of spare time on hand
Some boys have places to go
Some boys have plenty of girlies to land
Some boys are not quite - so slow.
The only thing I have time is plenty of time
Plenty of moments alone
But I'll dig up plenty of places to go
Comes C
If I find a girl of my own.
Refrain
Comes down C singing directly to Audience
If I find the girls or the girlie finds me,
We will both find a place we can go -
Don't say a word if you know -
It's not a shady lane, that's too slow -
We'll direct out feet, down the street
To the big city hall
At the license department we will call;
The from his warm bed we will urge a man,
Some nice, gentle, kindly old clergyman,
Who when wide awake will agree
She's the girl for me.
The boys enter from R 2, laughing during
The interlude. They circle about him, he
Shakes hands with several of them
2nd Verse
Some girls have only good looks and good health,
Some girls are only good fun
Boys say "We know"
Some girls are blessed with a carload of wealth
Some girls there are who have none;
Boys say "That's so"
I care not a snap if she's poor or she's rich
All the other girls I'd refuse
Excepting the one who could charm and bewitch
This beast I'm so anxious to lose.
During interlude Boys move to
Positions, two on 3rd step of stairs;
One behind desk, one exits L 2 E to
Dress (frock coat and shell rim glasses)
For clergyman. Dick stays C
Refrain (Dick)
If I find a girl or the girlie finds me -
On "find" Big Girl enter from R smiling,
Crosses below him, and around behind
Him to R of him
We will both find a place we can go
On "go" Big Girl enters from L very
Leisurely, hands clasped, eyes down,
Crossing below him, barely raising eyes,
Goes above him to L of him
Don't say a word if you know.
On "know" Girl from R enters, flirts with
Him by giving lodge highsign - hand to ear -
Which he answers, she passes to R of him
It's not a shady lane - that's too slow -
On "slow" Girl come from L, goes to
Position
We'll direct our feet down the street
To the big city hall -
On "hall" Girl enter very quickly and
Blasely from R, passes Dick without
Looking at him
At the license department we'll call.
On "call", Girls "romps" on from L and
Laughing at Dick, takes position. The Girls
Move closer to Dick, he being in the centre
Of the line, those who entered first on the ends,
Those who entered last next to him
Some nice, gentle, kindly old clergyman
On "some" the Dancers enter in single file
From R U, led by one of them as "bride", and
Cross diagonally from down R C to up R of steps.
The big girls swing into a parallel line, the girl
On the R of their line being a pivot for the
Three to the R of Dick. The three on the L of
Dick, turn to go to position and face about.
Dick comes down stage
Who when wide awake will agree -
On "agree" Bride come down R of other girls
So that dick can pantomime she is the one on: She's the girl for me -
Repeat refrain. All singing in unison but Dick, Bride and Clergyman.
Bride goes to Dick, they go to Boy behind desk
He writes license for them, directs them to arch
Down L. They go to arch - Dick on her R. Dick
Raps on door casing, as clergyman enters yawning,
Reads their license indicates steps in centre stage.
Dick and Bride march down steps, clergyman
Crosses to steps. On "feet down the street". Front
Line of girls swings across into line diagonally
From C down to L. Dick and Bride go up C,
Clergyman performs in pantomime, they raise
Hands and promise to obey. Clergyman raises
Hand in blessing. On "some" girls L pivot at C
And cross to beside other girls. Boy behind desk
Exits L. Girls follow and Bride follow girls and
Clergyman follows them. Four boys exits R, their
Hands folded ministerially
ENCORE
Dick enters L 2 E, singing refrain and working over to R C. Two solo dancers enter on "feet" from L and cross down to L of him, shyly flirting with him. He crosses to between them, they pull his coat, one curtsies to him, he holds out hand to each. Repeat refrain, orchestra only, Dick and two dancers do this dance (trio) all other girls enter L on "them from" and demurely cross from L to R single file. Dick and dancers exit L
Clerk enters from L and goes behind the desk as the Frenchman comes from R C to front of desk
Second ENCORE
Dick enters L, goes over R C, singing refrain. He waves at Clerk. Clerk waves at him almost Frenchman across desk. Frenchman is about to swing at him, "Bride" enters from R U on "feet". Dick works around her. Boys enter from L and 6 Big girls from R on "then"; work to couples. Repeat refrain for ensemble dance, voices tacit. Dick and Bride leading it downstage. Frenchman working behind couple. Clerk behind desk. Ensemble sings "beginning" then --- and exits on "will agree" to L. dick and Bride exeunt to R
Third ENCORE
Dick enters R singing refrain. All three men "leaping" - dance stuff. On "direct our feet" three solo dancers on from L down to C. They stand demurely. Clerk comes down L of girls. Frenchman does ballet steps up C. Dick kisses girls beginning at R when he gets to L he is about to kiss Clerk. Dick steps away down stage. Clerk goes extreme L. Repeat refrain - voices tacit. Dick does solo dance, three dancers work in unison, they work to L. girl on L end kicks Clerk, he goes up stage, gets lantern from under desk, swings it. All other girls sing and enter L single file and cross and exit R. Frenchman crosses with First Girl of line. Dick and Three Dancers exit to L. Frenchman returns to desk
Fourth ENCORE
Dick enters L singing refrain, goes below desk and beckons others to come with him onto stairs, they set on top step. Dick R, Clerk C, and Frenchman L. Solo dancer enters on "feet", dances to C and curtsies as tho' they were in a box. Repeat refrain, voices tacit for her solo dance. On "shady line" she kicks toward him and Clerk slips from top of step. On "then from" he says "So this is Paris". The Frenchman pantomimes "No". Solo dancer exits L on "You'll agree". Dick follows her. Clerk goes above desk and Frenchman comes to desk
Fifth ENCORE
Dick enter L singing refrain to beside Clerk, who tries to sing but does it badly.
Dick
If I find a girl -
Clerk
-Or the girlie finds me -
Dick
We will both find a place we can go.
Clerk
Don't say a word of you know - oh - oh.
Dick swats him on head with paper - voices tacit. He dips pen in ink and on "shady line" throws it in Frenchman's eye. Frenchman takes handkerchief from pocket wipes eye. Three solo dancers enter L on "feet" - men join them to make couples. Dick and Girl down stage, Clerk and Girl in C, Frenchman and Girl up stage. Dance on repeat refrain, then line up along footlight, marking time. Cowbell in orchestra rings on "word if you know". Clerk says "I'll take care of him - he wants ice water." Refers to dancer beside him on "license department" and says "Look what I drew." All start to work to exit R on "some". Clerk cannot dance, goes up stage. Frenchman follows to desk. Dick leaves them at exit and exits L. Girls exit R
(Pages 2-23-38)
The number is over, the Clerk is behind desk and the Frenchman is standing to the R of it
Frenchman
Tell me - eez zere any good honting around here?
Clerk
I don't know if there is any hunting but there's some awful good picking. What are you hunting - little dears?
Frenchman
I would like a stag but I would just love a bear.
Clasps hand over heart
Clerk
Same play over stomach
And how that bear would love you.
Next line "nancified"
I should like to be the means of bringing you two together!
Frenchman
I tell you what I would like best of all.
Clerk
Yes, but we have no bar. Do tell me what you would like best of all.
Frenchman
A moose!
Clerk
A moose! If you want a moose you'd better speak to the cat about it.
Frenchman
No, no, no, not a mouse - a moose. See, dees ting!
Holds up fingers to make horns, sticking head down and lunging forward
Clerk
Is that your idea of a moose?
Frenchman
Yes. That is my idea of a mouse.
Clerk
Looks more like a Brooklyn elk.
Frenchman
Tell me, do you nevair do any shooting yourself?
Clerk
No, but if we didn't have such a fussy little sheriff, I'd begin right now!
Meaning he would kill the Frenchman
Frenchman
Don't please tell me zere ees no moose around here?
Clerk
Oh, there was a moose around her - but the guests all got to shooting at him, so he left the neighborhood.
Frenchman
Zen zere is nosing lef' for me to shoot?
Clerk
Yes, go up in the parlor and shoot the bull.
Frenchman
Clerk, can you change a hundred dollar bill for me?
Clerk
Getting money from drawer
Sure thing. You'll have to take fives - we're all out of threes. Five - ten - fifteen -
Telephone bell rings insistently
Pardon me? Hello. What's that? He is? I'll phone right up and tell him to pull down the blind. What room please? Thirty -
Returns to counting
Thirty - thirty five - forty - forty five - fifty -
Telephone bell rings again. He keeps the bill he should have laid down on "fifty"
I hope you will pardon me again.
In phone
What's that? He did? Oh, that's a shame. How old was he? Ninety? That's too bad.
As her hangs up receiver
Ninety -
Counting money
Ninety five, one hundred.
Frenchman
Thank you very much.
The Clerk starts to exit L 2 E
Oh, one moment, please.
The Clerk stops to listen
I am going out now, but I shall return at half past ten and I should like placed in my room and cup of coffee and a sandweech.
Clerk
What kind of a "sandweech?"
Frenchman
Cheese!
Clerk
All right. I'll go down and rob the rat trap.
He exits L2. Frenchman moves to C trying to puzzle out his reply. Eddie enters from his room and tries to get up stairs on other side without being observed - Frenchman hears him and turns
Frenchman
Why zere ees ze naughty leetlt boy. I see you!
Kettle
Hello! Are you here, too?
Frenchman laughs and comes to foot of stairs
It's a fine night out, isn't it?
Kettle looks out of window on landing
Frenchman
I don't know I'm not 'aving a night out myself
Laughs again
Eet ees no use to preten' wiz me, I saw you.
Kettle
You don't understand.
Looks around apprehensively
Frenchman
Oh, I weel not - what you say - give you away.
Kettle
I have not - what you say - done anything yet.
Frenchman exits R, speaking to himself
Kettle knocks on Mrs. Darling's door. She comes out
Kettle
Motions her to keep still
I've thought of something about the register. I'll spill ink all over it, and then they can't read our names.
The Clerk enters and stealthily but quickly crosses to the cooler and begins to fish out by a string a bottle he has hidden in the cooler
Mrs. Darling
Delighted
Oh! That will be wonderful. Be careful that no one sees you do it.
Kettle starts down the stairs. Clerk having drawn the cork is pouring liquor into water glass, holding the cooler cover under his arm. Kettle sees him and calls Mrs. Darling's attention to him
Kettle
Talk to him so he can't watch me.
Mrs. Darling
Goes down stairs to landing and upstairs to balcony R
Hoo-ho!
Clerk throws the bottle into the cooler and slams on the lid
Clerk
Hoo-oo yourself
He hides the glass under his coat
Mrs. Darling
Beautiful weather, isn't it?
Clerk
I thought you said you were going straight to bed?
Mrs. Darling
I changed my mind.
Clerk
Where's your husband?
Mrs. Darling
My husband? Oh, you mean Mr. Kettle? Why he's right down -
Checking herself as not to give Eddie away
--I don't know where he is.
Clerk
You're a loving little pair all right.
She crosses downstairs to landing, and up to her own room and exits.
Clerk drinks liquor and puts glass back while Kettle is spilling ink on register and closes book. He gets some ink on his hands, sees the nightgown Madame Matroppo has left lying on the suitcase, snatched it up and wipes his hands on it, realizes it is a nightgown, tries to stuff it under his coat. The ribbons hang below. He starts quickly up the stairs as Rivers enters from L 2 E. Before Eddie gets to the landing he trips and slides to the bottom of the stairs. Clerk looks at him in amazement. Rivers comes to pick him up. Kettle begins to leap madly about stage. Clerk crosses behind them and above desk to behind it. Kettle dances to R C. Rivers comes L C
Rivers
Are you hurt, Eddie?
Kettle
Oh no, I was just practicing a few steps of Nijinski's.
Rivers
What are you hiding under your coat, Kettle?
Kettle
Greatly alarmed
Oh nothing; nothing at all, young fellow.
Goes upstairs quickly
The Clerk opens the register to the ink spot and begins the book violently. At the second Eddie drops behind the stair-rail, Rivers turns in amazement
Clerk
Say, which of youse guys done this?
Rivers
With great dignity coming to front of desk
I beg your pardon, are you addressing me?
Clerk
No; I am speaking to the handle on the big front door.
Rivers
What's up?
Clerk
Someone spilled ink all over this register, and I bet you're the guy the done it?
Rivers
Patronizingly
What object would I have in spilling ink all over your little book?
Clerk
So the rest of 'em wouldn't get on that you only had a dollar room.
Kettle jumps up from his hiding place on the stairs, and tries to run into the wrong bedroom - No 8
Clerk
Hey! Hey! Come out of there, where do you think you are?
Kettle rushes into his own room
Rivers
Are you the night watchman around here, too/
Clerk
If you don't think so, you just try a little transom work later on.
Rivers exits disgustedly L 2 R. Clerk stands looking after him.
Enter MME Matroppo from R U coming down C
MME Matroppo
She clucks it
Clerk - clerk - clerk - clerk.
Clerk
A chicken.
Turning sees MME Matroppo
No, wrong again.
Come L of desk to down L of her
MME Matroppo
Have you seen Mr. Pond?
Clerk
'Spose you mean the fresh guy with the dollar room? He was here just a minute ago
MME Matroppo
Such a charming young man. He said he couldn't see why I had never married.
Clerk
Couldn't see why you had never married? Where were you, in the dark?
MME Matroppo
He said he was coming out to walk with me in the moonlight...
Clerk
Wouldn't you like to walk with me instead?
MME Matroppo
Oh, Mr. Toledo -
He turns away disgustedly and kicks himself
I didn't know you felt that way about me, too.
Clerk
I went to Noo York last winter an' saw a problem play, an' ever since then I've felt there ought to be a little romance in my life, too.
MME Matroppo
Very affectedly so as to be almost unrecognizable
And you thought naturally you'd like to be my husband?
Clerk
No, not so naturally; I thought I'd like to be the brave guy that loses you in the last act.
They work to R C
The Triangle
MME Matroppo
To make a modern problem play,
Three characters you take,
The business man's neglected wife,
And home destroying snake.
Clerk
The husband starts for distant parts,
'Tis then you're surely to find,
The only time a single pair, can best
Three of a kind.
Spoken while orchestra plays waltz pp
You set the stage and I'll return subsequently.
He exits R U. She brings one chair from R to C, facing front. The other chair she brings to R of C facing L. She is "gypsy" and the Clerk is Pembroke. As he exits off L is rung a chime of three bells, followed by a "jingle" bell. She is just seating herself C.
Gypsy
Thank you, Mr. Belasco.
The curtain is assumed to rise. She pantomimes as tho' sewing. Finally she heaves a deep sigh - she turns to the empty chair and addresses an imaginary husband.
Well, Casper, - So you are going to leave me alone again? - What is that? "A business trip?" Hah. The same old excuse - business - business! Your business must be very absorbing ! You're a manufacturer of blotting paper? That's terrible. What has that to do with it?...I beg your pardon? Don't mutter like that - speak out...
She rises in horror at his accusation
Casper! It is not true. Pembroke is a friend - no more. Is it any wonder that a neglected wife should need some companionship...
With her hand to her forehead, she trembles violently
Chime strikes off three times
Eleven o'clock. You must go now. Let me help you on with your coat.
Gets imaginary coat from closet L C, helps him on with it, comedy reach as she holds it for him, pulls down undercoat, kisses imaginary cheek, then turns her own cheek
Your kiss is cold - perfunctory...
Shrinks back from a warmer caress raising hands to ward him off
No - no - you must go.
Goes up and over to arch L
You have just time to miss you train...
There is time for him to exit
Goodbye...
She waves her hand
Door slams offstage. Her while demeanor changes. She becomes eager - expectant. She sings, goes to chair L C and sits. Snatches up mirror looks at herself. There is a sound of heavy stamping, as he does a break
'Tis he! How noisy his feet sound this evening.
Pembroke suddenly appears at door R centre, throws curtains aside and comes down R of her. He wears an antique frock coat and a high hat, which he throws to the opening R 2 E
Pembroke
Rushing to her with outstretched arms
Gypsy!
Gypsy
Pembroke!
Pembroke
He has gone?
Gypsy
Aye, Caro mio, he has gone!
Pembroke
I must not take you in my arms! I must not!
Flings his arms about her
Gypsy
She pulls away from him
I long to yield myself to your embrace - but I have sworn to be strong.
Throws herself back into his arms
Pembroke
I must not kiss you! I must not!
Gypsy
No, no!
Both
Together
We must remember him !
Turns head simultaneously toward door, then he kisses up and down her arm
Gypsy
Ah Carissima, Caro mio!
Pembroke
Carissima Caralina perfecto!
Gypsy
Pembroke he suspects !
Pembroke
Startled
Suspects?
Gypsy
He found your rubbers under the piano, and your ear muffler on the gas jet. He has put two and two together - he is a shrewd man, Pembroke.
Racket sound off L
They stand in terror close together, looking front
Pembroke
Hark! What was that?
Gypsy
The door turning in the key. He has missed his train! Quick - quick, you must hide!
Pembroke rushes in direction that Casper went off
No, no - not there! You will meet him in the hall!
Pembroke rushes toward footlights
Not there! That is the kitchen. There, in the coat-closet - behind the curtains - quick!
Pembroke leaps into imaginary coat closet up L C. he pulls imaginary curtain. Sound of curtain - rings off, then curtain on other side - again sound of curtain rings. Gypsy sinks into chair, snatches real paper, pretends to read, but the paper is shaking in her hands. She looks up as Casper enters
So - you have come back?
She jiggles her feet in nervousness
Nervous?...I seem nervous? How absurd!
Bus. Of paper tembling.
Pembroke holding the edges of the curtains, parts them an inch or two and peers out, then closes them quickly
She gets up quickly
Give it to me - I will hang it up...No, no, Casper, you must not go there!
Tries to intercept him as he goes to coat-closet
Casper!
He evidently flings her to R of C chair - she take the throw and falls to her knees. Then Pembroke, with a magnificent gesture, sweeps back both curtains. Sound of curtains rings off and steps out
Pembroke
Holding up hand to stop tirade
Wait - remember - there is a woman here.
Gypsy
Sobbing at chair R C
We have not wronged you! Casper, we have not wronged you!
Pembroke
Come, old friend, sit down and we will talk it over - quietly.
Puts his arm about Casper and leads him to chair
Gypsy, he is faint - help me to support him.
Gypsy goes quickly, and together they support Casper to chair
Gypsy
I've been helping to support him for years.
They support him almost to chair - they drop him; she screams - they recover him - he works to R of C chair as they carry him over
Pembroke
There - sit there old friend. Some water, Gypsy!
Gypsy pours an imaginary glass of water from real cooler. He gets behind door to L of it
I his myself, not in shame Casper - but to save you the pain of ka-noing!
She comes down R of Casper - Pembroke takes glass from Gypsy and puts it to Casper's lips
There! And now your hand, Casper and your's Gypsy...Casper
Gypsy kneels sobbing
Casper...Clasp her.
He takes their hands and unites them
I will not come between you. I am going away from here -
Goes over L
Gypsy
Affrighted
Yes - away/
Pembroke
To Mesopotamia - there there is Man's work to be done.
Gypsy
Through her tears, quivering with emotion
Man's work - oh, what do you mean, Pembroke?
Pembroke
And there someday on a sun bleached slob -
Gypsy
Correcting him - she utterly stops her emotion
Slab
She again becomes emotional
Pembroke
Slab... and there in that far distant land my epitaph will be written: "Here lies the man who made the mess of Mesopotamia!"
She throws herself across the chair R of C, the orchestra plays a chord. With his hands he shows the fall of the curtain. Then she rises, crosses to him: They join hands and bow. The orchestra "snaps" the chord and finishes it. She crosses, bows to Pembroke and they exit
Kettle enters from his room, crosses quickly to Elsie's room and knocks on door. She opens it and stands in doorway
Kettle
It's dinner time.
Mrs. Darling
I'm not going down stairs. I'm going to eat in my room.
Kettle
Oh yes, that'll be nice. We'll eat up here.
Mrs. Darling
Oh no! you've got to go down to the dining room. You can't come in my room.
Kettle
All right! I'm awfully hungry. I'll send yours up.
He stands down stairs singing "No place like home" - She exits into her room
MME Matroppo enters L 2 E and meets him L C
MME Matroppo
Isn't your wife going to have dinner with us, too?
Kettle
Oh no! She's ill. She's going to eat in her room.
MME Matroppo
I thought you said she was ill?
Kettle
Well yes - Hm - h'm.
He crosses L below her
MME Matroppo
You're surely not going to desert her on her wedding day?
Kettle
Oh no - no.
He crosses R behind her
I was only going to get a bite.
MME Matroppo
You ought to stay and take your dinner with her.
Kettle
Crossing L
She won't let me bite with her.
MME Matroppo
No? That seems strange - were you going in to eat with us?
Kettle
I was - I'm awful hungry.
MME Matroppo
Pulling him across her to C
You go right upstairs and set by her bedside and hold her hand. The idea of a thing like that.
She turns and starts L
He goes above her and tries to sneak off ad she turns to look for him
Oh, and another thing - where are you, Mr. Shrimp? Oh, maybe a mustard plaster would be good for her. Yes, a mustard plaster would be good for her. The idea, trying to desert your wife on her wedding day. You'll excuse me now? I must go and eat, I'm so hungry.
Exits L
Kettle
So am I. Even a bridegroom has to eat sometime.
Thirteen Collar
He remains standing for this verse
I'm a peaceful little person
But peace is sometimes worse'n
All the wars combined,
The histories recall,
I've been pushed around and kicked at
Till I wonder that I'm anything at all.
Even little flies that flutter,
From the sugar to the butter
Command respect because they carry germ;
Their importance seems to teach us,
In this world of all sized creatures,
Half are robins and the other half are worms.
Refrain
Stands for this refrain
When you wear a 19 collar
And a size 11 shoe
You can lead a pirate crew
Smoke and drink and swear and chew,
But you have to look ambition up,
And throw away the key
When your collar is No. 13
And your shoes are #3
During interlude takes a tiny folding
Stool from foots and sits C
2
When we walk, my wife just kinda drags
Me by the hand behind her,
Like a captive minnow on a dangling hook
And the passersby that spy me,
Stop and pitifully eye me,
With a sympathetic "oh-the-poor-thing" look
Every dog I meet that's muzzled
Looks at me with such a puzzle[d]
Air of injured pride and insolent disdain
That I seem to gaze through leather,
Straps secured sewed together,
And I feel Georgiana tugging at the chain.
Refrain
Seated for this refrain
When you wear a 19 collar and size 11 shoe,
Bear and Lion are a few
Of the named conferred in you;
But your [you're] classified with Daux hounds
Tiny poms and Pekinese
When your collar is No 13 and
Your shoes are number 3s
He starts upstairs and comes back for encore
I get awfully tired of sitting
Here alone at night and knitting
I should like to go out one night with the boys
Where they sell cigars and liquors
And where if a fellow snickers
No one glares at you with "Edwin, stop that noise."
Sits in stool on "where"
Refrain
When you wear a 19 collar
And you're six foot three or four
In your home your word is law
Wifey never thinks of war,
But you just live in one constant state
Of armed neutrality
When your collar is No. 13
And your shoes are Number three
Remain seated for refrain
Double fists and ward out with elbows
On "armed neutrality"
Refrain
First line-tacit pantomime only - orchestra "Scratches"
Show swelling neck and growing feet
When you wear a 19 collar and a
Size 11 shoe
Pantomime
There's no end or limit to
All the great things you can do
But the world is one big rat trap
And you're just a piece of cheese
When your collar is Number thirteen
And your shoes are Number threes
Extra Refrain
When you wear a 19 collar
And a size eleven shoe
All the peaches large and small
In loves' garden for you fall
But the peaches never fall for me
'Cause I can't climb a tree
'Cause my collar's number 19 and my shoes are no. 3
Extra Refrain
When you wear a 19 collar and a size 11 shoe,
Each policeman bows to you,
With a cordial "How d' do".
But they greet you with a move on
Hey, don't block the sidewalk please
When your collar is #13 and your shoes are No 3ees.
Clerk enters from L 2 with a tray of food, including an egg cup and egg; crosses to foot of stairs.
MME Matroppo follows him with a mustard plaster. She comes below desk
MME Matroppo
Mr. Canton - I mean, Mr. Columbus.
Clerk
Yes, that's right, Columbus and the egg.
MME Matroppo
Oh, that's the dinner for that poor little sick woman. And I have a mustard plaster for her right here. Give it to her husband, and tell him to put it on her back.
She lays it on the tray
Clerk
Why can't I put it on? I got every other job around here, I might as well be the doctor.
MME Matroppo
No, certainly not! That's for her husband to do
She goes over RC and places the chairs used in "The Triangle" over R by arch. He goes up steps - she exits
Clerk
Yes, but I'd like to help him out every way I can - he's such a helpless little cuss. I'd do anything I could to keep those children from playing in the halls.
Knocks on her door, and she opens it
Here's your food.
Mrs. Darling
Thank you.
Clerk
Madame X says Mr. Kettle better put it right on your back.
Mrs. Darling
Indeed he shan't. Mr. Kettle is in his own room!
Exits slamming door
Clerk
What are we going to do now?
Coming down singing
"Though she's warmed by a mustard plaster whilst he's left alone to freeze, still his collar's No. 13 and his shoes are number threes."
Enter Rivers from R
Rivers
Clerk, my room is awfully noisy.
Clerk
I'll give you a room over the bowling alley.
Rivers
Is that a quiet room?
Clerk
Oh yes, there you can hear a pin drop. I got to go down stairs.
He ducks out of sight behind the desk, and gets the dinner gong.
Elsie Lilly comes from R - Rivers turns
Rivers
Oh, here you are at last! I've been looking everywhere for you. You're as unsociable as a milestone.
Elsie
You were looking for me?
Rivers
Yes...Can't you guess why?
Elsie
No.
Rivers
Then I'll tell you. Elsie dear, from the first moment I saw you -
The Clerk appears from behind the desk, going to down L and bangs the gong loudly
Rivers
Confound it all!
Clerk
Hate to break up your future but it's time for dinner.
Rivers
Why the deuce do you keep up the antiqued custom?
Clerk
Folks say it seems kinder homely.
Crosses up to stage C, banging gong. Elsie puts hands over ears and goes down L
Rivers
Think that sounds like a home do you?
Clerk
Going to archway R 2 E
If you don't think so, you wait till you get a home of your own.
Beats gong and starts for L
Rivers
Hang it all!
Clerk
Hang it all yourself. I'm awfully busy. Don't touch those.
Pokes at Rivers with gong beater. He goes L. Elsie circles to R of him and grabs the hanging strap of his coat
Don't touch that, I steer by it.
He exits L 2 E
Rivers
Where was I?
Elsie
You were a little ahead of your story.
Rivers
But I must tell you.
Elsie
You'd really better not. I've no intention just at present of making my choice and settling down.
Rivers
Indeed? Well, I don't know that I want to either. After all, there are plenty of girls.
Elsie
Oh; is that so?
Old Boy Neutral
During introduction she steps down L as he goes R. They return to C and she curtseys.
1st Verse
Dick
Choosing girlies is somewhat amusing
Elsie
Somewhat confusing
Some choose dark ones, those "out-for-a-lark ones".
Dick
"Spoon-in-the-park ones."
Some choose neat ones. Those dainty and sweet ones,
Elsie
Cute and petite ones.
Dick
Young or ancient
Both
For I
For you
Maintain a strict neutrality.
Refrain
Dick
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all?
Dick
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all?
The short and the tall, the large and the small.
Dick
It always makes me feel so gay and young.
To be among - the girls -
I love to dine with Maud or Mable,
Where we cannot be seen
She looks at him questioningly on "among"
Elsie
With forty courses on the table,
Dick
And lots of kissing in between,
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all.
Dick
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all.
Dick
And when upon each girl I call
Elsie
They cry "Oh joy, it's Old Boy Neutral!"
Dick
That's me, I love them all.
During interlude Dick goes down R and arranges chair. Elsie dances across and sits R C. He stands behing her to R, singing over her shoulder
2nd Verse
Elsie
When girl choosing, I can't understand why
Dick
You can't understand why?
Some choose light ones and think they're the right ones.
He sits R of her
Elsie
Stay home at night ones
Blonde or brunette, they all get a smile from me
For I'm
For you're
As neutral as a man can be
Refrain
Dick
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all.
Dick
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all.
The short and the tall, the large and the small.
Dick
I like to feed the darling little pets
Om cigarettes - and tea
A rustling skirt just plays the dickens
With sentimental me
On "Cigarettes" she turns away from him
Elsie
And if the skirt should be a "chicken's'
Dick
I'm on the job immediately
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all?
Dick
I love them all
Elsie
You love them all.
Dick
And when upon each girl I call
Elsie
They cry out "Joy, it's old boy Neutral"
Dick
That's me, I love them all
Orchestra repeats Refrain for dance and they exeunt L 2 E
ENCORE
Dick
I love them all
Elsie
You love them all?
They enter from L 2 E, he works to R of her
Dick
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all
The short and the tall, the large and the small.
Dick
I like to feed the darling little pets
On cigarettes and tea,
A rustling skirt just plays the dickens
With sentimental me.
Elsie
And if the skirt should be a "chicken's".
The Girls enter L 2 e on "chickens" the
Little girls are closely clustered in the front
Row, arms about each other's shoulders.
The big girls are behind them, holding
Hands - they swing in one movement
Dick points to entrance as Girls enters
Then crosses to Elsie
Spoken
Shush!
Dick
I'm on the job immediately
I love them all
Elsie
You love them all
Dick
I love them all
With a side step the girls work over to
L C. Dick and Elsie are in C of front row.
All sway forward and back stage
Elsie
You love them all.
Dick
And when upon each girl I call,
Elsie
They cry out "Joy it's old boy neutral".
Dick
That's me, I love them all.
I love them all.
Elsie
You love them all.
Dick
I love them all
Elsie
You love them all,
The short and the tall, the large and the small.
Dick
It always makes me feel so gay and young.
Spoken
Elsie
Yes, yes?
Dick
To be among the girls
And just to show my great devotion when summer skies are blue.
Spoken
What do you do?
Dick
I love to sit beside the ocean.
Spoken
Elsie
And linger with a peach
Till after dark upon the beach
Stepping away from the circle of girls and
Crossing to R. Dick steps down stage
From girls
Dick
I love them all
Elsie
You love them all
Dick
I love them all
Elsie
You love them all.
Elsie crosses to L of Dick
Dick
And when upon each girl I call.
All girls
They cry, "Oh, Joy Old Boy Neutral"
Dick
That's me, I love them all.
All exeunt L 2 E
Second Encore
Dick and Elsie enter, followed by ensemble. A little girl leads the line, backing on, then a boy facing on stage, then a big girl facing on stage, then a little girl backing on. All have their hands enterchained each reaching past one person to grasp the second. Elsie crosses to chair over R where she sits while Dick does a solo dance
All sing in unison
I love them all, I love them all
The short and the tall, the large and small
I like to be with them in some café or Cabaret and say
I love to dine, with Maud or Mabel,
Boy drops hands and step up stage
Where we cannot be seen,
With forty courses on the table,
And lots of kisses in between
I love them all, I love them all.
Little girls step down stage
And when each girl I call,
They cry out "Joy, it's old boy Neutral",
That's me, I love them all.
Boys exeunt R 2 E
Orchestra repeats refrain for dance. Elsie joins Dick. They do duet dance down stage while Girls dress from R U to L lower and do ensemble dance, Girls exit R 2 while Dick and Elsie exeunt L 2 E
Third Encore
Dick and Elsie enter R 2 E. Girls enter two by two R C. Repeat dance and all exit L 2 D
Madame Matroppo enters R 2 E, calling
MME Matroppo
Mr. Akron! Mr. Akon! I wonder if there are any letters for me.
Goes to letter rack - sorts letters. Kettle comes out of room, crosses to Mrs. Darling's room and knocks
Kettle
Elsie! Elsie Darling!
Mrs. Darling
Opening door and coming on balcony
Yes, what is it?
Kettle
I've got a good idea.
Mrs. Darling
What is it?
Kettle
Let's telegraph to your husband and my wife that we're here and safe.
MME Matroppo begins to pay attention
Mrs. Darling
Poor Percy! When I think of him all alone without me I could cry!
Mrs. Darling exits to her room
Kettle starts to go back to his room.
MME Matroppo swings out to C
MME Matroppo
Mr. Kettle who is Percy?
Kettle
Percy? Oh - oh Percy is my - my wife's poodle!
MME Matroppo
Young man, this is all very mysterious! I hope you understand that this is a family hotel.
Kettle
I'll speak to my wife about that.
MME Matroppo
I said "a family hotel." I am here with a number of young ladies, and I will permit nothing irregular.
Kettle
He is now outside his door
It's - it's all right. I'm a regular fellow all right...Good night.
Exits to room
MME Matroppo
I don't like the sound of this at all.
Crosses R C, bus. of massaging neck
I don't like the sound of this at all.
Clerk
Entering L 2 R
Come here and I'll show you a lot of new winkles.
MME Matroppo
Turning
Young man, why are you following me a around?
She does a break
Clerk
These words seem to have a familiar sound
He does a break
Buffo Dance
Rivers enters during the encore. Number over, Clerk and Rivers stay on.
MME Matroppo exits L 2 E.
Clerk goes behind desk. Rivers to front of desk
Rivers
What is the number of Miss Elsie’s room?
Clerk
I don’t know. Some damned fool spilled ink all over this register and I can’t read a darned name!
Rivers
Try and remember. I’ve got a note for her. Waves note which he takes from pocket, to dry it
Clerk
Well, I THINK she’s in cell five. Have a blotter?
Rivers
Blots note
Thanks. Have a dollar?
Hands Clerk a dollar
Clerk
Thanks. Now I’m SURE she’s in five.
Rivers
Good!
He starts upstairs, kissing the letter
Clerk
Now, now, don’t get it all gummy.
Rivers
You’re a fresh young clerk.
Clerk
Listen to me, Kaffee Hag.
Rivers
What do you mean? Kaffee Hag?
Clerk
Everything extracted from the bean.
Rivers goes up stairs. Clerk gets hand mirror from drawer.
Where’s my little reading glass?
He hold it to reflect the blotted words
“Darling - if there is a spark of love in your heart wear a red rose at breakfast in the morning. Dick Rivers.” Dick Flivvers!
Dick has put note under door of No. 5 and comes down the stairs to front of desk
Rivers
Oh, I forgot. Send a bunch of roses to Miss Lilly’s room in the morning.
Clerk
Astonished
Roses! You can’t get roses in this town.
Rivers
L of desk
But I’ve got to get some.
Clerk
Sarcastically
Oh, of course, that changes it! I’ll go out in the backyard and plant some, and perhaps if you sit up all night, and sprinkle them they’ll grow by morning.
Rivers
Now cut the comedy. If you can’t get them here, wire to New York.
Clerk
Amazed and greatly impressed
Wire to New York for them? You must be down to your last five million.
Rivers
Hang the cost. Is there a train from New York in the morning?
Clerk
Yes; there’s the newspaper and milk train.
Rivers
Well, wire down and see that they come on that. At any price. And if they are not here, I’ll see that you lose this job.
Rivers crosses to arch L2 - turns
Clerk
You mean jobs.
Rivers
What time is breakfast in the morning?
Clerk
8:30.
Rivers
Call me at twelve.
Exits L2E
Clerk
I’ll call you before twelve if you get fresh around me.
Off R U is heard a strident motor horn.
Clerk
Hark! I’m being paged by a Buick.
He goes up toward door R C. Off R is heard an ad lib argument between Georgina and Percy and the Chauffer, who is never seen. PERCY enters, followed by Georgina. They come down R C. Percy puts suitcase on chair R above arch. Mrs. Kettle comes R of Darling.
Clerk
Yes, a whole raft of people.
Percy shows no sign
Raft - raft of people on a boat.
Laughs loudly - with a look they squelch him
There’s a lady of uncertain vintage with her puplins. A gentleman with a little vanity case. A young fresh guy and a young married couple.
Mrs. Kettle
A young married couple? Newly married?
Clerk
Newly married? They had enough rice to furnish a Chinese Restaurant.
Darling
What’s the name?
Clerk
Just wait a minute. I’ll look in the book and see.
He goes up to front of desk, revolves register and looks at it.
Mrs. Kettle
Didn’t I tell you we’d find them?
Darling
I hope so! It’s a regular wild goose chase you’re making me lead.
Clerk
Coming down to L C
I forgot, some nut spilled ink all over the register, and you can’t find a name.
Darling
You’ll have to go right up to their rooms and find them,
Clerk
Now?
Mrs. Kettle
Certainly.
Clerk
They’ll be asleep.
Mrs. Kettle
Asleep - never!
Mme. Matroppo enters and goes to upper end of desk, takes stationery from rack
I’ll go out myself -- and find out.
Clerk
Catching Darling by arm
If somebody’s going to do any finding, I’ll do it. I’m the cutest little finder you ever seen.
Mme. Matroppo starts down stage, going to arch L 2 E. Clerk sees her and speaks.
Oh! ma’am, you’re acquainted with that young married couple that came here, ain’t you?
Mme. Matroppo
Yes.
Clerk
What's their name?
MME. Matroppo
Fish.
Clerk
Are you sure?
MME. Matroppo
Young man, I have a system by which I never make mistakes.
She withers him with a glance and walks off L 2 E. The Clerk watched her off then follows her into the arch
Clerk
Well, I hope your system don't get run down.
He comes back to Percy
Their name is Fish.
Percy
Fish?
Clerk
Yes, Minnie, An-chovie.
He turns his back on them and goes behind the desk
Darling
There! You would stop at this place.
Mrs. Kettle
We've stopped at every place along here. They must be somewhere.
Darling
Yes; somewhere.
Mrs. Kettle
Turning to Clerk
When is the next train out of here?
Clerk
There ain't no more.
Darling
What! There must be another train!
Clerk
Not till morning. Will you take a nice room?
Darling
Two rooms - -
Clerk
Two rooms?
Darling
I said two rooms.
Clerk
Gosh- You Noo York people are getting' awful blasé!
Darling
What do you say - - shall we?
Mrs. Kettle
R of Darling
Yes; all right. And it's just as well he imagined I'm your wife. Get two rooms. Sign some fictitious name.
Darling
Thank you, but you're not talking to your husband. I've grain or two of brain myself.
Mrs. Kettle
Really!
Darling
You must have had nothing but molly coddles around you, to stand for the treatment you hand out.
Mrs. Kettle
Remember, you are a gentleman.
Darling
He goes over R to get the suitcase
You have been treating me like a lapdog.
She swings up L of C, rather angrily. He comes down H by chair.
They have all the baggage--except this suitcase of your husband's. Perhaps you would like that?
Mrs. Kettle
No. You can give me one of his military brushes and you can keep the other. The rest of the things you will find more useful then I would.
Darling opens suitcase, and hauls out a pair of silk pajamas. Jaeger knit much to small for him. Showing them to Mrs. Kettle
Darling
Yes, yes; can you see me in these?
Holds them up to himself
She is offended
Mrs. Kettle
I beg your pardon!
She turns up C
Darling
I'm sure I don't want them.
He jerks them angrily and rice falls from the pocket. The Clerk pounds the desk.
Clerk
Ha, ha! another honeymoon couple. This seems to be the day for them.
Mrs. Kettle
Turns C-speaks sharply to Clerk
Mind your OWN business.
Clerk
Well, you're married, ain't you?
Darling
Yes, of course we're married.
Clerk
And she's your wife, didn't you?
Darling
Yes! That lady is my wife.
Clerk
Well, what's she getting' up in the air for?
Mrs. Kettle
Xing quickly to desk
I told you to mind your own business.
Clerk
Spoken to by Mrs. Jess Willard!
He slams the desk bell as if at the end of a boxing round- jumps for the exits and exits L 2 E. She comes down to Percy
Mrs. Kettle
What made you say I was your wife?
Darling
R. C. with forced patience
You didn't want him to put us out of the hotel, did you? You know perfectly well this is the only hotel in town.
Mrs. Kettle
I don't like it one bit. I think you might have said something else.
Darling
I suppose you wanted me to tell him that you're Eddie Kettle's wife.
Mrs. Kettle
Yes. I think it would have been a good deal better.
Darling
But kindly remember that it's not customary for a woman to take her wedding trip with her husband's male friend. And a nice mess we're in. We can't get out till morning.
He goes L to the desk.
Mrs. Kettle
Whiningly
I've a lot more to think of than you. My reputation is at stake.
She goes R. C.
Darling
Yes. And so is my wife's. And what's more, you have me to depend on, and Elsie had only your milk-fed husband. He isn't capable of looking after himself.
Mrs. Kettle
Mr. Darling you're insulting, and I'll not stand for it. Did you say your wife's name is Elsie?
Darling
Yes.
Mrs. Kettle
She lisps it
Elsie! Oh! This is horrible!
Darling
What is horrible?
Mrs. Kettle
Edwin told me this morning that he was in love with another girl before he met me and her name was Elsie.
Darling
My dear Mrs. Kettle, although I think I married the only Elsie in the world, there are plenty of others.
Mrs. Kettle
Xes L.
But I know she was the Elsie he meant. It was all planned on her part. She has schemed to get him away from me on my wedding trip.
Darling
Xes to her; speaks sternly
I have put up with you and your nagging all day long, because you are a woman, but when you start insulting my wife, it is going too far. I shall find her myself, and in my own way. Good night, Mrs. Kettle!
Goes over to get suitcase, and makes for the door
R.C Mrs. Kettle stands impatiently stamping her foot. Noticing that Darling is really going she becomes alarmed and crosses to him. She speaks just as he reaches the door
Mrs. Kettle
Oh, Mr. Darling! I- - I - - - beg your pardon! I - I - wish you wouldn't go. I don't know what I'll do without you.
Clerk enters from L 2 E and stands rigid below desk
Clerk
Say, are you two St Bernards going to take a room?
Their wrangle stops and glare at him. He breaks it and goes behind the desk.
Come, come, come. It's twelve o'clock and time to shut up.
He turns and looks off L.
Oh shut up yourself.
He holds out pen
Here make your mark.
Darling crosses and takes pen. Clerk holds ink well for him. He violently dips it in well, presumably sticking it in Clerk's fingers. The Clerk drops the ink well and turns away to suck the wound. Percy shakes the ink from the pen and is about to write. She touches his arm and turns him to her
Mrs. Kettle
And wife!
Darling
I know - I know. I've registered before.
She exits L 2 E. He signs - Makes sweep with pen and sticks it upright in the register then exits L 2 E. The clerk watches them off, tries to pull the skin from finger, then his eye lights on the pen. In wonder he looks at it - with a mighty pull he gets it from the book
Clerk
The boy's athletic!
He raises the page (prepared) and shows how Percy tore it. Then he takes from behind the desk a small red cap. Shakes the dust from it, puts it in, takes mirror from desk and looks at himself, uses mirror as brush to arrange hair. Takes lantern from under desk, holds it before him and blows on it. It lights. Takes gun from behind desk puts it over shoulder, takes lantern and turns out brackets. Foots, border and strips - WHITE out with brackets. He comes below desk to C
Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty. Puss - puss. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Where the hell's that cat.
He exits R 2 E
Mrs. Darling comes out on balcony
Mrs. Darling
Oh I wish my Percy was here! Mr. Kettle! Mr. Kettle!
Kettle comes out of room
Kettle
Yes - what is it?
Mrs. Darling
I'm so frightened! I think there's a mouse in my room.
Kettle
I'd be afraid to go in ad look for it. Madame Matroppo is very suspicious about me.
Mrs. Darling
She is?
Kettle
Coming down to landing and part way up to her
She heard you speak about Percy! And I had to pretend he was a poodle!
Mrs. Darling
My Percy a poodle!
Cries
Kettle
Leads her down to landing
It'll be all right. Don't be frightened. Wait a moment, and the mouse will go away, and then we can go back to bed...
He leads her down lower stairs, she is on his L
Steal in blue spot on them as they come down C
NUMBER: "BABES IN THE WOODS"
Eddie
Little lady don't be depressed and blue,
After all we're both in the same canoe,
Have no fear; can't you see I'm here?
And till our journey is through,
Little lady I will take care of you.
Refrain
Give me your hand here where we stand,
We're off for Slumberland -
Come dry your eyes; I'll sympathize
Like a father, mother brother.
Moonlight - is bright, kiss me goodnight.
Tries to kiss her
She draws away
Just like a sister should,
Then put on your little hood,
And we'll both be, oh so good!
Like the babes in the wood.
During interlude they go up and get cushions which they bring down and put C, kneeling ion them in unison, then hands folded as if in prayer
When the babes were lost in the gloomy wood,
It's no wonder they were so very good.
Fourteen angels were watching them,
So all the storybooks, state,
Sandman's coming now,
It is getting late.
Refrain
Give me your hand, I understand,
We're off to Slumberland,
Angel chorus watching o'er us.
Moonlight is bright, kiss me good night,
Just like a brother should,
I'll put on my little hood,
But we'll both be twice as good!
As the babes in the wood.
They rise from their cushions. She takes his hand and they work well over L C, repeating refrain in unison. At end of refrain they snuggle back to back, she making a picture one hand in air. Then quickly break to kill applause. Orchestra continues - voices tacit
Give me your hand, I understand,
We're off to Slumberland,
With you, I'll go although we've no
Angel charms watching o'er us.
Moonlight is bright, kiss me good night;
I'll put on my little hood,
But we'll both be twice as good!
As the babes in the wood.
Up to desk - take electric candle from behind rack, give one to Elsie, light match candles. Steal out spot and 1st border as he blows out match. He takes her hand they go up steps, continue to throw kisses -
Start slow curtain on "As the". They say good night on "babes". They exit into rooms on "woods".
SLOW CURTAIN.
(No curtain calls)
ACT II. (Scene 2)
As soon as the curtain is down, working light is first Border on. Change all lights in entrances and behind openings to WHITE. Leave foots BLUE. Do not get enough light on stage to show under curtain and kill applause. Strike cushions and suitcase. Put tray - without egg - and with plaster on it on stool before room 9. Rearrange register, letters, etc. on desk. Sweep rice from R c to clear for numbers. Replace chairs and table at R C as at opening of act. Orchestra plays refrain twice thro' only. On phrase"bod" curtain up. ALL WHITE in foots and 1st border ON.
DISCOVERED: Elsie Lilly is standing L of the window C looking out. As the curtain is well up she comes down the stairs. The Clerk enters R C in back flat from the garden wearing his little red cap and carrying 4 large bunches of red rose. He comes down R.C.
Elsie
Good morning. It's a lovely morning, isn't it?
She comes down L of him
Clerk
It may be a lovely morning, but it was a tough night. That cat kept singing outside my window all night long. I'm going to drown him or her, as the case may be, when it comes in. And then I had to go all the way down to the station to get these roses. Here they are!
Gives her bunch.
Elsie
Oh Thank you!
Clerk
Don't thank me. Thank that dashing young single taxpayer. He ordered a bunch for you.
Elsie
Mr. Rivers? Oh, aren't they fresh and lovely? Why there's actually some dew on them.
Clerk
You bet there is some due on them, four seventy five. The worst of it is I order two bunches and they sent me four, and unless I get rid of them I'll be stuck.
Elsie
Well, there are a couple newlywed husbands here. Get some to buy them for their brides.
Clerk
You don't know what I know about those two guys, - why, they wouldn't give their wives ANYTHING! However, I'll see how they feel this morning.
Elsie goes up to desk as MME. Matroppo enters R 2 E
Mme. Matroppo
Enters R 2 E
Oh, good morning. Ah, what beautiful roses.
Clerk
You look like a hornet!
MME. Matroppo
May I have a bunch?
He gives her a bunch and hold out his hand
Thank you, charge them.
Clerk
Charge them! I'll get rich in this hotel.
Goes upstairs - Elsie comes down L of her
Mme. Matroppo
Crossing to L C
Good morning Elsie? Did you hear me singing in the night?
The Clerk quickly turns on next to top step of the first flight
Elsie
Singing?
Mme. Matroppo
Yes.
She runs a scale or two
I couldn't sleep after all so I got up and went outside and sang.
Clerk
And I was going to shoot that poor old cat.
He goes on up stairs
Elsie
To Mme. Matroppo
Let's go outside!
Mme. Matroppo
They go up toward R U - she continues - Mme. Matroppo stops and speaks to Clerk at top of stairs
Clerk, If Mr. Fountain comes down; tell him I'm waiting in the garden.
Exeunt Elsie and Matroppo
Clerk
Mr. Fountain - -All right, I'll tell him to go out and play on the lawn
Laughs
The way I said that! so life like!
Knocks on Mrs. Darling's door, standing R of it
Good morning, Is Mr. Kettle in your room?
Mrs. Darling
I should say NOT:
Slams door
Clerk
Mimicing her as before
"What'll we do now? That poor girl's got no more husband than a rabbit.
He comes down to landing and climbs stairs to Kettle's room very stiffly singing "Darling, I am growing Old". He knocks on Kettle's door
I guess the boy scout is out.
He sings again and knows loudly. He is standing R of the door. Kettle in bathrobe 4 sizes too large for him, bobs out like jack in the box to L of Clerk, who stops singing and jumps back in fear
Kettle
Good morning, Youth.
Clerk
Good morning, Experience. Being as how you was on your honeymoon, I thought maybe you would like to give your wife some flowers, so I ordered a bunch special from New York for you.
Kettle takes roses and begins to sing "Red roses round the door."Eddies refers to the Clerk's red necktie and says
Kettle
Red for danger.
Clerk
What's that got to do with the price of them roses?
Kettle
Oh, charge them, young fellow, charge them.
He exits slamming door, The Clerk starts down the stairs
Clerk
The Charge of the Tight Brigade.
He goes down front of desk, headed for L 2
Rivers
Enters from outside R U, dashes over and taps Clerk on shoulder
Shush! I ducked behind a tree and she didn't see me...
Clerk
Turning to him
Shush! I don't give a darn.
Rivers
Did my roses come?
Clerk
Yes, and now comes the bill.
Rivers
Charge them!
Clerk
Another one of the Siphon brothers.
Rivers
I had a bad night, couldn't sleep. But I took a bromo seltzer and I feel better.
Pulling the Clerk's hair and necktie
Clerk
Here's one you forgot.
Gives him end of coat belt- Dick crosses to L
Bromo? Is that the stuff traveling men take instead of breakfast?
Rivers
Yes.
Clerk
Let me have some, will you?
Rivers
Sure- - here you are!
Giving him bromo bottle which takes from pocket and starting away
Clerk
Wait. How do you take this stuff?
Rivers
Inwardly.
Clerk
What did you suppose I was going to do- - wear it in my hair? How much do you take?
Rivers
Oh "a heaping teaspoonful" said he.
Clerk
A peeping heaspoon - a seep - a peespoon - oh I'll take the whole business.
Dick exits L 2 E. Clerk goes over to water cooler, pours glass of water, gets spoon from behind post, comes to C, seeing something in water which he fishes out with spoon, throwing it on floor
Trout!
He stand R of desk, pours bromo into spoon looks at it in suspicion - scratches one leg with other
I wonder if you take this dry or wash it down with some water. I guess I'll swallow it dry.
He tries to swallow it. It is bitter, he washes it down with the water. He feels the deluge coming and runs frantically
for L 2 E.
NUMBER: "The Fashion Show"
Soloist enters R U and comes down C during introduction.... Boys enter, three from R and 3 from L on first note of Verse.
Solo
Now that midnight cabarets and afternoon soirees,
Are out of fashion -
Down home they've a brand new craze
To spend their nights and days and all their cash on -
Poor old father's easy chair and game of solitaire
Have seen their day -
For when he comes home tired out
We gather 'round and shout at him and say -
Refrain
Solo:
Hurry up it's getting late.
Boys:
Spoken
Don't sit around & wait till
Solo:
All our clothes are out of date
Boys:
Spoken
To hesitate is fatal.
On "Hurry" 1 girl enters & 1 girl enters L with the walk and carriage of Mannequins they work down C to show off their gowns
Solo:
Take me to that modern exhibition of clothes.
Girl from R one from L enter on "take" sale bus. for them
Smart frocks and peek-a-boo fur-be-lous. Dress me like a baby doll.
Girl enter on "Dress" - same bus
Boys:
Spoken
in clothes of latest pattern
Solo:
Fancy frills and fol-de-rol
Boys:
Spoken
Of leather, silk and satin
Solo:
Call a taxi-meter
Cosy single seater
And take me to the Fashion Show.
Repeat refrain, everybody singing
Solo sings replies with boys
4th, 5th, and 6th group of girls on same cues
Repeat refrain - everybody singing
Boys have interruptions. Solo sings variation
Girls and soloist exeunt L 2 E. Boys exeunt R 2 E
Darling enters with Mrs. Kettle from R U ad lib argument. She speaks thro' it
Mrs. Kettle
Don't you argue with me.
Rivers
Enters L 2 E
Well, of all the people - if it isn't Percy Darling! What are you doing here? By jove you were married yesterday.
Mrs. Kettle realizing what is coming, starts to tiptoe R 2 E
weren't you. This is your wedding trip.
Crossing Darling to Mrs. Kettle
Mrs. Darling, how are you? I'm an old friend of Percy's He and I were at college together.
To Darling
Say, speaking of college days - who do you think is here on his wedding trip.
Darling
Who?
Rivers
Eddie Kettle and his bride.
Darling
What ? Eddie Kettle here?
Rivers
Sure. Came up on the boat with us yesterday. They sat at a table together - drinking cocktails and champagne galore!
Laughs
Mrs. Kettle
He DID!
Rivers
Yes, and a peach of a little bun Kettle had to!
Mrs. Kettle
A BUN?
Rivers
Nice little person Mrs. Kettle, but crazy as a March hare. It seems she gave $300. To a beggar.
Darling
SHE gave $300. To a beggar?
Mrs. Kettle
Beggar! Edwin Kettle gave her $300. And she gave it to a beggar?
Darling and Mrs. Kettle begin to wrangle in ad lib. Rivers chimes in as Mme. Matroppo enters R 2, and comes R of the group
Rivers
What's the matter, Darling?
Mme. Matroppo
Why, if there aren't Mr. and Mrs. Love!
Darling
Come on: we'll find them.
He drags her with him R 2 and they exit together
Rivers
He's gone crazy, I guess. It's not safe to leave him with her. Excuse me.
He waves his hand weirdly at her and exits after them
Mme. Matroppo
What's the matter with him?
Off L the Clerk groans
Clerk
Enters L 2 E
Oh - oh - I'll never take that bromo seltzer again. I tried taking it dry and then washed it down with some water and it all fizzed up and I nearly choked to death.
Mme. Matroppo
I never take it - it relaxes the vocal chords. Oh, one minute Mr.... Mr..
Clerk
Cincinnati - best you to it that time! I wonder if you could give me some help with my pipes? I've got to sing in a minute and there seems to be something wrong, Every time I go into third I skid.
Mme. Matroppo
How soon have you got to sing?
Clerk
O, I'm liable to sing any minute now.
Mme. Matroppo
The I shall have to use my new Svengali method.
Clerk
Svengali!
Mme. Matroppo
Yes - I must hypnotize you.
Clerk
I think it would be better if you was to hypnotize the folks that's got to hear me. They will need it more than I do.
Mme. Matroppo
I tell you, I am very anxious to try this experiment, and if I succeed in doing it I will give you a hundred dollars.
Clerk
Ah, those are twice as different. Hyp away as hard as you like.
She places chair from R to R C, facing L. She speaks in an unknown tounge
Mme. Matroppo
Oct und oct und oct see. Verif-fee nuck-und oct see.
Clerk
Well, I'm not particular.
She strides with him toward chair, he crossing her
One, two, three, dip.
He sits. She musses his hair, going after it roughly as tho' giving it a scalp massage
Now, don't cut it too close.
Mme. Matroppo
You must not speak.
Clerk
No.
Mme. Matroppo
Think of absolutely nothing.
Clerk
That's easy.
Mme. Matroppo
You are going to give yourself into my control.
She massages him again
Clerk
I'll wallop her in a minute
Mme. Matroppo
Taking bright headed hat pin from dress waves it in circles before his eyes
Shush! You are going to give yourself into my control! Concentrate- concentrate on that one point - concentrate.
Clerk
I can't. You make me dizzy.
Mme. Matroppo
Your will is going - You will do exactly as I say.
Clerk
You bet I will.
Mme. Matroppo
Your will is going - your will is going!
Clerk takes her tone and yodels
Clerk
You bet I will.
Mme. Matroppo
Your will has gone.
Clerk
With a gesture of surrender
Sold.
She taps him on the head
Mme. Matroppo
Absolutely nothing.
Mme. Matroppo (con't)
She sticks him on the side of knees with pin. He dare not show it hurts
Arise!
He does so as she turns away in triumph he rubs pin pricks, then resumes stolid pose
I've don it, I've done it! I knew I could. I've hypnotized him!
In her delight she goes off into bird imitation, the CLERK looks about in the air and then udner his coat.
Clerk
No it's her alright.
She begins to slap his fae with the movement of stropping razor
Mme. Matroppo
Tell me, why are you here.
Clerk
I don't know but I'm an awful fool to stay.
Mme. Matroppo
Are you an only child?
Clerk
No; we were triplets. I'm the one they kept.
Mme. Matroppo
Now to business.
He feels his ears, they flop back and forth
Clerk
Broke a hinge!
Mme. Matroppo
Not at all, merely responding, merely responding! Sing - Sing-sing!
Clerk
I'm sorry you mentioned that place.
Mme. Matroppo
Sing "Sweet Alice Ben Bolt."
Clerk
Singing
Oh don't you remember sweet Alice our colt.
Mme. Matroppo
Splendid - splendid! Now I'm afraid to keep you in an hypnotic state too long. Come back, come back, I say!
Snapping fingers to awake him
Clerk
Shoot the whole quarter!
She sticks him with hat pin
I'm back - I'm back
Rubs hand across eyes
Why, where am I? I thought I was in heaven
Mme. Matroppo
No I am still here.
Clerk
Yes. That's ...
Coughs and catches himself
Mme. Matroppo
Now there is only one more thing remains to be done ...
Clerk
Yes, come across with that hundred.
Mme. Matroppo
After this experiment, I'll give you two hundred. Now, I'll call the people to hear you sing. I'll see you later, Mr. Lima.
Exits L 2 E
Clerk
Moving chair back into position
Lima - that woman's got me in an awful state. Two hundred dollars! If I thought there was that much money and much woman in the same place, I'd marry them...
NUMBER: "I'D LIKE TO HAVE A MILLION IN THE BANK"
During introduction CLERK sits on table RC and six little girls enter from R. One girls sits in chair R of table, one sits L of table. One stands R of chair, one stands L of chair, one stands R of clerk behind table, one stands L of him behind table
Solo - Clerk
There are some folks who find their happiness in little things in life;
Some few remained contended to end with just one wife;
And on this very question, I myself have to ponder some,
After weighting ev'rything, to this conclusion come.
Refrain
Solo
I would like to have a million in the bank
Girls
Spoken
Hanky Pank! Hanky Pank!
Girls half turn to L and indicate playing banjos
Solo:
And a little girl to share it with me too.
Girls
Spoken
Itchy coo! Itchy coo! Itchy coo!
Movement of dusting boots
Solo:
For the days are coming when you've lost lots of money
and there's someone dead in love with you
Girls
Spoken
Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!
Hide their eyes and indicate peeping at him
Solo
While I recognize the blessing of possessing
Love and walth.
If from either one I had to part for good,
Would I choose the money, rather than
The little girl -
You can be your life -
Girls
Spoken
What?
Solo
I would!
Girls
Spoken
Why?
2nd Verse
Solo:
Cause tho' her eyes might shine like diamonds
He reaches for the eyes of one of the girls.
Ye they could never be sold.
Her sunny hair could never be
He musses the blond hair of one
Refined to purset gold.
Her teeth of pearl could never be
Security for loan
He reaches for the handsome teeth of one girl. Beside him - she bites him
And one is really worse than broke
When is all one owns
REFRAIN
Solo
I would like to have a million in the bank
On "I would" two girls enter R 2 E and skip into position at R and rear of group. All do banjo on "Hanky pank"
Girls
Spoken
Hanky Pank! Hanky Pank!
Solo:
And a little girl to share it with me too.
On "and a little" two girls on from R 2 E skip down to rear of group. All do Itchy! Coo! Itchy Coo bus
Girls
Spoken
Itchy coo! Itchy coo! Itchy coo!
Solo:
For the days are coming when you've lost lots of money
and there's someone dead in love with you
On "and there some" 2 girls enter L 2 E skip across to L of group
Girls
Spoken
Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!
Girls standing all squat on "with you" and rise quickly to scare him on last "Boo"
Solo
While I recognize the blessing of possessing
Love and walth.
If from either one I had to part for good,
Would I choose the money, rather than
The little girl -
You can be your life -
On "would" those seated rise all break to position for dance, from two lines across stage
Girls
Spoken
What?
Solo
I would!
Girls
Spoken
Why?
Repeat refrain for dance
All sing in unison - no interruption until indicated
On "would I choose" the money girls start to march to exit L2. Clerk follows them
Solo
You can bet your life -
Last four girls ate at arch. They point fingers at him and courtesy as they ask "what?" They point fingers at him and courtesy as they ask "what?"
Girls:
Spoken
What?
Solo:
I would.
Girls
Spoken, very forte
Good!
ENCORE
Repeat refrain - solo and interruptions from girls.
Clerk enters followed by girls single file, first four are off stage and stop travelling for "hanky pank" bus.
Four more are on - all stop for "itchy coo" bus.
All are on and kneel for "peek-a-boo" bus. At audience. Parade into two line positions for dance.
Repeat refrain - sung in unison - no interruptions until as in exit before encore. Dance and exit L.
Song over Eddie Kettle comes out of room in Percy's striped pajamas with roses, crosses to Mrs. Darling's room - knocks - standing R of door.
Kettle
Honey! Honey!
Mrs. Darling
Opening Door
This is a bedroom, Mr. Kettle - not a beehive.
Kettle
That's a stinger! Look! I brought you some roses!
Mrs. Darling
Oh thank you; that's awfully sweet of you.
Kettle
I knew Percy would do it if he were here. I want to take his place in every way - in every way I can. I'm awful hungry! I didn't get any dinner, and I'm afraid to go down-stairs.
Mrs. Darling
There is something left on my tray - why don't you eat them?
Kettle
Thank you, I will. That's very considerate of you.
Kettle Picks up the tray and starts for the room - she cries
Mrs. Darling
Oh, my Percy!
He stops one step down
Eddie
Don't cry!
Mrs. Darling
I can't help it. It's seeing you in those pajamas.
Eddie
Please don't cry
Mrs. Darling
Mr. Kettle you know I'm thinking of my husband.
She grabs a hold of the pajamas, he pulls away
Kettle
I got to go now.
She exits; he comes downstairs to C landing as EISIE LILLY breezily enters wearing a rose (R U E) crossing to R of steps, she recognizes EDDIE
Eisie
Hello Eddie.
EDDIE turns upstage, jabbing tray into C window trying to hide from Elsie, but he has to face her
Eddie
Hello Elsie. You knew me didn't you?
Ready Gong
Elsie
Those pajamas are a nice neat fit I must say.
Eddie
Yes, they are a little large. You see - you see - mother always get things big for me so I can grow into them.
RIVERS entered L 2 E., and sees Eddie and Elsie talking together. He speaks loudly.
Rivers
Ha!
EDDIE in terror pulls slack from back of pajamas over head and dashes upstairs. DICK follows him to third step of first flight. ELSIE in surprise struts down R. EDDIE not being able to see misses his door jams tray against the wall at head of stairs and has to turn to DICK.
Just what I supposed! You and Miss Lilly are old friends, I see.
Kettle
No - No - only acquaitances. Her nurse knew my nurse - that's all.
Exists into his bedroom
Rivers
Just wait a minute.
Elsie
Laughing
What's the matter?
Rivers
I'm so jealous!
Elsie
Of Eddie?
Rivers
Of everybody - Elsie, dear, from the first moment I saw you I knew you were the one girl for me ...
Sound of gong off L 2 as tho' beaten by Clerk
Number: "Nodding Roses"
She:
Through my answer you entreat
My lips seem helpless to repeat
The words my heart would say.
He:
Words are all such empty things
When love comes to your heart and brings
Its cloudless summer day
She:
How then shall I answer?
What would you propose?
He:
Tell me in the language of the rose --,
REFRAIN
She:
Roses nodding to and fro answer "yes" and "no."
To vex, perhaps perplex the hearts of breezes
That plead soft and low.
He:
If you really love me dear
Nod and tell me so -
She:
My lips say "yes" although my head is nodding "no."
She crosses him to R
2.
She:
What a little girl should say
To clear her sweetheart's doubt away
Is not so hard to guess.
He:
Now you're talking common sense
And life for me would just commence
Were you to answer "yes."
She:
But of all the methods which do you propose?
He:
Why not take a less from the rose ---
He takes her in his arms; they waltz across stage to extreme R, ending he behind and to R of her. This is on the refrain for the first two phrases of which the voices are tacit.
REFRAIN
Tacit:
Roses nodding to and fro
Answer yes or no,
He:
Make haste, make haste,
No time to waste,
Or love will be speeding away
Tacit:
If you really love me dear
Nod and tell me so.
Voices tacit. She waltzes away from him to L. He follows her
She:
I'll answer you,
Like roses do,
Ny nodding, nodding "yea."
He takes her hands, they step to O
REPEAT REFRAIN
Roses nodding to and fro,
answer "yes" and "no"
To vex, perhaps perplex
the hearts of breezes that plead
soft and low
She turns from him and gets up the sari. He turns away, then decides to follow her. She trail her R hand on the banister and springs on the lower flight to grasp it. She draws it away as she gets rose petals from box behind post with L hand. She turns looking down at him. She goes to outside door of Room 7.
Tacit:
If you really love me, dear?
He:
Little Girl confess.
She:
I'll answer you
Like roses do
By nodding, nodding yes
She drops rose petals to him, then draws into doorway; he backs downstairs and to R, as she blows him a kiss and exists on last note
Number over, KETTLE comes from his room, wearing a very small, brilliant red and black "blazer" and white flannel trousers. He comes up to the landing, posing by the R post. The CLERK enters at the same time fro L 2 and comes to L of the lower step.
Clerk:
Well, well, well! The Firemens' Bride.
Kettle:
My but that was a hot one. This is only my croquet suit. Can I get some breakfast?
Clerk:
Haven't you had any?
Kettle:
No - all I had was a sandwich that Mrs - that my wife left on her tray, and it had so much mustard on it, I could hardly eat it.
Clerk:
Gosh! That wasn't a sandwich, that was a mustard plaster!
He goes up above the desk and behind it
Kettle
It was?
He goes up steps
I wondered why I felt so warm inside.
Knocks on Mrs. Darling's Door
Ready for breakfast?
Ms. Darling
Yes.
CLERK opens curtains, looks out of window - curtains drop behind him
Kettle
You remember what I told you?
Mrs. Darling
What?
Kettle
About Mme. Matroppo overhearing us talking of telegraphing to Percy and Georgiana?
Mrs. Darling
Oh yes.
Kettle
She was very suspicious - seemed to think we weren't married at all.
Mrs. Darling
Will they turn us out?
Kettle
Yes. I'll tell you - we'll pretend to be very much in love with each other. I'll kiss your hand and you call me dear or sweetheart or something.
Mrs. Darling
Now?
The CLERK shoves his head through the curtains
Kettle
Yes - so the Clerk can hear us, he's suspicious, too, I'm sure
CLERK ducks back, KETTLE leads her to landing stands R of her
Mrs. Darling
Loud
I hope you slept well, Darling.
Kettle
No, no, no - that isn't right.
Taking hold of hands they start downstairs to C
How are you feeling now dear?
CLERK comes from behind curtains, -- sits behind desk and reads paper
Mrs. Darling
Very well, thank you. You know it was awfully dear of you to give me those roses. You are always so thoughtful. I'm so glad I married you.
Kettle
Fine! That last one - keep it up!
Enter R U E DARLING AND MRS. KETTLE. They stop and make a rush for Kettle and Mrs. Darling, they stand aghast at their nest conversation. At the various remarks, one stars forward, the other restraining)
Mrs. Darling
Proud of her success
Your just the darlingest boy in the wide, wide world!
Kettle
My own dear sweetie!
Takes Mrs. Darling's hand and kisses it - whispers
Say something about Percy - remember he's a poodle!
Mrs. Darling
I wonder how Percy is! How do you suppose the poor little fool is getting along?
Kettle
Oh he's probably content and happy.
Mrs. Darling
I did have some compunction about leaving him, but then the folks at home will take care of him and feed him.
Kettle
Great work!
Mrs. Darling
All that I want is YOU.
Kettle
And all I want is you.
Mrs. Darling
Don't you think that's enough?
Kettle
Yes, I think it is. I'm getting rather shaky. I think I'll have a cocktail for breakfast.
Double fists shows arm muscles - does "setting up" stunt
Mrs. Darling
I wish I dared have one.
Kettle
You'd better. They feel real fine after they're down.
Mrs. Darling
I think I will.
DARLING as he moves forward strikes post. KETTLE turns at sound and sees Mrs. Kettle and Darling
Kettle
Don't scream or turn around or say a word, back there are Georgian and your husband.
She faints in his arms; then he straightens her up
Mrs. DARLING clings to Kettle's coat lapels and hangs to her affrigntedly
The clerk is still listening. He mustn ever find out, so we must greet them casually!
PERCY and GEORGINA come down P C
Why hello, if there isn't Percy Darling and his wife.
He crosses between them, PERCY is R of him. Georgiana is L of him
We must carry out his bluff - the clerk suspects.
Mrs. Kettle
Throwing Eddie to front of desk
I don't care if he does suspect.
She follows him over to L of C
Clerk
Rising to below the desk, and to L of it
Say, are you lovey-doveys coming into breakfast?
Kettle
Yes, right away
Georgina
Ah-hum-m!
Kettle
In a minute.
Clerk
Well, I'm going out and water the cat's milk.
He exists L 2 E. Mrs. DARLING goes over to Darling over R, C
Mrs. Darling
Percy, I'm so glad I found you at last.
Kettle
Hasn't the separation been awful, Georgina?
Mrs. Kettle
Looking at Mrs. Darling and addressing Kettle, throws him off - he falls against desk
Yes; I can well imagine how awful this separation has been.
Kettle
Greatly disturbed at their frigid manner
Comes down LC
We couldn't very well greet you when the Clerk was here. You see, he thinks your wife is my wife. You put her in my care and I have protected her in every possible way.
Darling
Crossing to Kettle with eraged sarcasm, Kettle retreats. Mrs. DARLING goes over R
I put her in your care and jolly well you've taken care of her
Shakes fist in Kettle's face, who throws out chest and stands like a bantam rooster
Kettle
But think of the scandal.
Mrs. Kettle
You are quite right. The scandal must be avoided. We will LEAVE things as they are, and all depart on the 10:15 train
Mrs. Darling
Down R, looking at Darling in amazement
Settle your score with me?
Darling
Yes, madam - with you.
Mrs. Darling
Why Percy, dearie ...
Darling
No more comedy, if you please; though I must compliment you on your cleverness. I would never have believed it if I had not seen things with my own eyes.
Goes to Kettle again
And you, Eddie Kettle, you are a contemptible cad!
Kettle
See here, Darling don't you try to bully me!
Stand very close to darling and has a very fierce manner, but when Darling assumes a more aggressive attitude he seeks refuge behind the plant down L
Mrs. Kettle
There is no place for all this.
Mrs. Darling
Crossing to Darling suddenly
Percy, you must be drunk or sick or something
He laughs sarcastically
And when it comes to settling scores with me, I have a score to settle with you
Darling looks at her rather surprised
How about your scarlet past?
With triumphant air
Mrs. Darling
Yes; at college - with Dick Rivers?
Darling
Who told you that humbug?
Mrs. Darling
With great triumph
Mr. Kettle!
KETTLE moves plant into arch
Darling
He did, eh?
Goes close to Kettle
So you've been maligning me as well?
In threatening attitude
Come out of there! Come out of there!
Kettle
Suddenly cross to Mrs. Kettle for Aid. PERCY tries to spank him as he passes
But Georgina!
Mrs. Kettle
Putting him away
Don't Georgina me!
Takes him by arm throws him in chair L of table
Everything is over between us!
Kettle
Crossing his legs as tho' at ease
Isn't it great to be happily married to the one your love.
Mrs. DARLING goes over to front of desk
Mrs. Kettle
Where is my suitcase?
Kettle
Its in my room.
Mrs. Kettle
What number?
Kettle
Rising
I'll get it for you
Mrs. Kettle
No thank you, I'll get it myself.
She goes up the steps to the room and exits.
Darling
And you were registered here as Mr. and Mrs. Kettle, were you?
Mrs. Darling
Well, how were you registered?
PERCY is taken aback
Tell me - how were you registered?
Kettle
Jumping to his feet and running to Darling
Yes, tell us that!
PERCY blows at him and EDDIE goes backward to chair RC
Mrs. Darling
At register
Percy Darling - and wife! And written in red ink, too. Now I know what they mean by a scarlet past.
Mrs. KETTLE in bed room screams. All took toward bedroom. DICK and EISIE enter R & E. MME. Matroppo enters L 2 E, followed by the CLERK who comes below desk
Mrs. KETTLE comes from bed-room holding aloft nightgown taken there by Kettle
Mrs. Kettle
Look at this! I found it in my husband's room.
EDDIE was up the first flight and grabs it from her and comes running down C. MME. MATROPPO comes to him C. jerking it from him.
MME. MATROPPO
It's mine!
Mrs. Kettle
Coming down steps to R C
Well, if it's yours, its all right.
MME. MATROPPO takes the nightgown up and leaves it on the desk. MRS. KETTLE comes in front of chair L of table. EDDIE is L of here. PERCY is extreme L. EISIE DARLING is R of him. ELSIE and DICK are extreme R. The CLERK comes down L of EDDIE.
Mrs. Darling
Crying
I want my mommer.
Darling
You have me, dear.
Mrs. Kettle
Now we have you to deal with -
Kettle
See here, Georgina, I'm going to wear the breeches and be master in my own home hereafter. I won't have you dictating to me, and the sooner you understand that the happier we shall be. Sit Down.
She remains standing defiantly
Sit down.
She suddenly drops into chair
Clerk
VERY GOOD, EDDIE!
He shakes Eddie's hand heartily
NUMBER: FINALE.
CURTAIN
One curtain call, everybody in same positions
Eddie and Elsie enter up C