THE NIGHT BOAT

MUSICAL NUMBERS IN ACT I.

1. A MAN TO MATCH MY CAR...Miss Groody & Ensemble.

2. WHOSE BABY ARE YOU...Miss Groody & Mr. Skelly.

3. LEFT ALL ALONE AGAIN (Blues)...Miss Hoban & Ensemble

4. GOOD NIGHT BOAT...Mr. Hazzard, Miss Hoban, Miss Groody, Mr. Skelly, Miss Lewis & Ensemble.

5. DUET BOB WHITE...Mr. Hazzard & Miss Hoban

6. I'D LIKE A LIGHTHOUSE...Miss Groody & Mr. Skelly

7. FINALE.

ACT I.

At rise of curtain, WORKMAN on ladder, MINNIE holding picture of MRS. MAXIM.

Workman

There! I guess that's allright- by the way, who is she?

Minnie

Mrs. Maxim - the Boss's boss - I mean his mother-in-law.

Workman

(Laughing)

You had it right the first time, I'll bet.

Minnie

And maybe Captain White won't be angry, when he sees her up there watching him - as usual.

Workman

The old gal has a snappy eye!

Minnie

Yes, you bet she has - and it's always on the Captain. The Lord deliver me from such a mother-in-law! Her name should have been Wilhelmina Pinkerton.

(MRS. MAXIM sings outside)

Sh! here she is.

(Enter MRS. MAXIM, singing)

Mrs. Maxim

(Sees Minnie and stops short, from L.2.)

Merciful Heavens! Is that man still here? He should be done by now -

Workman

I have only two hands, mam.

Mrs. Maxim

So has a clock, but it keeps right on going.

Minnie

It's a perfectly lovely picture.

Mrs. Maxim

It is fine, isn't it?

(She turns to library door)

Quickly, Minnie -- Out! OUT!

(Catches herself)

Mercy, I'm comencing to talk like Lady Macbeth.

(Minnie exits to Library L.)

(Mrs. Maxim starts R.2.)

(As music starts for Barbara's entrance)

(BARBARA, MEN and GIRLS enter.)

Barbara

Hello Mother.

Mrs. Maxim

Hello, dearie -

SONG - BARBARA & ENSEMBLE

"SOME FINE DAY"

WHEN UP TO TOWN I GO COMMUTING,

TRAVELING ON A LOCAL TRAIN,

I'VE MANY FRIENDS, THERE'S NO DISPUTING,

FETCHING ALONG MY PLAGUING PARCELS

SEEING THAT NONE HAS BEEN MISSED.

SOME FINE DAY I'M GOING SHOPPING,

IN EACH SMART PLACE THAT I KNOW,

TIFFANY'S, ALTMAN'S, BEST'S AND GIDDINGS -

I'VE A HUNCH ON-

GOING TO BUY MYSELF A NEW TROUSSEAU

SOME FINE DAY I SHALL BE POPPING

IN THE BEST COSTUME IN TOWN -

FIRST I WILL BUY THE VEIL AND FLOWERS,

THEN I WILL HUNT FOR HOURS AND HOURS

TO FIND A MAN TO MATCH MY CAR.

2nd Chorus

SOME FINE DAY I SHALL GO SHOPPING

UP AND DOWN FIFTH AVENUE

DRESSES FROM HICKSON, LORD AND TAYLOR

HATS FROM TOPPER, (MAKE YOU HAPPY)

LACE FROM LUCILLE TO GRACE AN INGENUE-

IN A TRIM LIMOUSINE FLOPPING,

ONE THAT SHOWS JUST WHAT YOU ARE

FIRST I WILL TRY THE GAS AND MOTOR

GET A CHOW TO MATCH MY COAT OR

FIND A MAN TO MATCH MY CAR.

(Barbara finishes number R. near settee. Finish on stage. Men exit C.)

Barbara

Where's Hazel?

Mrs. Maxim

She's been in the garden - under the weeping willow - for hours!

(Sits above table, gets cards)

Barbara

(Going to mother's side)

Hazel doesn't seem so happy as she used to be - she seems worried.

Mrs. Maxim

She has every reason to worry.

(Deals cards)

Now let me see what the cards have to tell about her precious husband.

Barbara

Mother, may I say something.

(Arms around her neck)

Mrs. Maxim

Anything you like, one - two - three - four - five - six -

(Dealing cards)

Barbara

Since I came home from vacation I've noticed that you sort of pick on Bob!

Mrs. Maxim

I certainly do ! He treats your sister shamefully.

Barbara

He doesn't mother, he loves Hazel and they'd be perfectly happy if -- you --

(Looks significantly at Mrs. Maxim)

Mrs. Maxim

(Arranging cards)

Married people are never happy - they're just resigned -

(Turns card - slaps it on table)

There's your precious brother-in-law!

Barbara

Where?

Mrs. Maxim

In the cards -

(Tapping card viciously)

He's coming out ten times in succession -- and always after a blonde queen!

Barbara

Poor old Bob doesn't know any blonde queen!

Mrs. Maxim

Do you think these cards would lie to me - look at yourself - there she is!

Barbara

If a blonde queen ever looked at Bob he'd pass away. Mother, you make laugh.

(Barbara laughs)

Mrs. Maxim

You may laugh, but Bob's behaviour is serious - it won't matter to me if your sister is dragged through the courts - indeed a divorce makes a family rather distinguished.

(Enter HAZEL R. C. She catches last sentence)

Hazel

Sounds like scandal - Who's getting themselves separated now?

Barbara

Nobody.

Hazel

I thought I caught the word "divorce".

Barbara

Mother was just telling a funny story - weren't you, Mother?

(Pokes mother then down stage L. to Bench - sits)

Mrs. Maxim

(Seated above table)

You needn't nudge me - I was talking about your divorcing Bob.

Hazel

(R. Xes L. to big chair, sits)

I haven't the slightest reason for a divorce - I don't want a divorce -- I wouldn't be without a husband for anything in the world -- a husband is as necessary to a home as a teawagon.

(Sits on chair L. near table, at end of speech)

Mrs. Maxim

Ha! what you do expect -- what you don't expect -- a stranger - to your home.

Barbara

Maybe Bob's bringing a friend to dine.

Mrs. Maxim

If Bob were dining with a friend it wouldn't be at home -

(Turns cards)

Aha!

Hazel

(Rises, goes to C.)

Mother! Don't "Aha" like that --

Barbara

If Bob is away, it's business that keeps him.

Hazel

(To Barbara)

Bob needn't work at all, but Mother fussed at him until he went into business to get away from her scolding!

Mrs. Maxim

And a fine business it is -

Hazel

(Indignant: crosses to C.)

It is a fine business, and I'm very proud of Bob. -- a man must have some nerve to be Captain of the Night Boat to Albany.

Barbara

(Seated L. front of table)

You bet he has!

Mrs. Maxim

The Night Boat is no place for a married man -- where women undress and go to bed and everything.

Hazel

(C.)

You wouldn't have them go to bed in their clothes, would you?

Mrs. Maxim

Indecent employment, I call it -- and how Robert has changed!

Barbara

Changed?

Mrs. Maxim

He is sullen all week, but when the time comes for him to go on the boat - he's as happy as a boy going after a lollypop.

(Putting cards in box - looks about for some place to hide them)

Hazel

Mother -- I wish you'd stop naggin' Bob, you make him so irritable, he quarrels with me.

Barbara

(Shocked)

Hazel! Do you quarrel with your husband?

(Rises. Goes to C.)

Hazel

You poor baby -- every woman quarrels with her husband - it's like having your eye-brows pulled -- it hurts but it's smoother after.

(To fireplace)

Barbara

(Romantic and superior)

I don't see why people who are so fond of each other should ever quarrel -- I positively can't understand it - poor old Bob!

Mrs. Maxim

I'll hide my cards in the drawer so Robert won't throw them out to spite me.

Hazel

Why do you always find fault with Bob?

Mrs. Maxim

Well, I guess I know when I'm abused -- I have eyes -- I have ears!

Hazel

Bob never abused you, Mother!

Barbara

Hazel - mother - what's the matter with you both -- this is terrible!

(The last three speeches are spoken simultaneously the three women growing louder and more excited, until FREDDIE suddenly enters from hall R.2.)

Freddie

Good afternoon.

(All stop short - turn - and look at him savagely)

I beg pardon - I was just passing and thought I'd stop in - It was false step - so I'll pass right out again -- Good afternoon.

(Exits to hall R.2.)

Barbara

(Runs after him to hall)

Freddie - don't go!

(Exits R.2.)

Hazel

You see! You've driven my husband out of his house, and now you've driven his chum away!

Mrs. Maxim

Robert seems happiest when he closes the front door from the outside!

Hazel

Of course! He knows what he leaves behind !

Mrs. Maxim

(Going to library door L.)

I'm not so far behind as he thinks, and when I do catch up with Captain Bob White you'll find that the boat that is supposed to go to Albany goes to --

(Exits L.2. As she is speaking BARBARA appears in door from hall, holding Freddies hand - just in time to hear end of speech)

Barbara & Hazel

Mother !

(Mrs. Maxim exits)

Freddie

(Amazed)

Did she tell me to go to - hell?

Barbara

(Interrupting indignantly)

She did not !

Freddie

I think she did !

Barbara

(Angrily)

I say she did not !

Hazel

(Imitating Barbara's former speech)

I don't see why people who are fond of each other should ever quarrel -

(Moves to L.2. - then exits)

Freddie

Is she shooting me -- or is she sympathetic?

(Crosses to Barbara)

Barbara

It's hard to say --

(She giggles)

Ain't our family got awful tempers!

Freddie

Well, you're all there with the high speed!

Barbara

(Close to him - looking up at him)

Ain't you 'fraid of us?

Freddie

Not of your Mother -- or your sister!

Barbara

'Fraid of me?

Freddie

(Decidedly)

Yes - ma'am !

Barbara

Freddie - what do you mean?

Freddie

I can bluff the biggest man in the world - I can go further on hot air than any locomotive in the N. Y. Central! I'm not afraid of Senators, Secret-Service men, or Bolsheviks, but when I stack up alongside your three feet six -- I'm buffaloed!

Barbara

You poor boy! I wouldn't hurt you - what makes you 'fraid of me!

Freddie

I ask you - why, I can hardly see you way down there - you're a baby!

Barbara

Babies always have to have their own way?

Freddie

Don't I know it!

"WHOSE BABY ARE YOU!"

Barbara & Freddie

JUST LIKE THE WOOLWORTH BUILDING YOU MAY BE,

WHAT A CATASTROPHE.

IF YOU SHOULD FALL ON ME - LITTLE ME -

THO WAY UP IN THE SKY ABOVE ME THERE -

WHAT DO I CARE -

THO DIGNIFIED YOU MAY BE,

STILL AT HEART YOU'RE JUST A BABY.

WHOSE BABY ARE YOU, DEAR,

WHOSE BABY ARE YOU?

WHOSE BABY BOY

WHO'S HIS MAMMA'S JOY

WHO'LL OWN YOUR SMILE

WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE AISLE WITH HER,

WHO'LL YOU GIVE THE RING TO

WHO'LL SWEAR TO BE TRUE BLUE

WHO HAS BOUGHT A LITTLE BOOK

AND PUMPKIN PIE WILL LEARN TO COOK

WHOSE LOVELY LOVE -- WHO'S HONEY BUG

WHO'S BABY ARE YOU?

(Exit on Finish R.2.)

(After number, MINNIE enters from Dining-room, R.3.)

Mrs. Maxim

(From L.2.)

Minnie, there's a strange man at the door; see who it is.

Minnie

(From L.3.)

Yes, Ma'am.

(She exits R.2.)

(Mrs. Maxim sits on Banquette L. looking at a magazine humming)

Minnie

(From R.2.)

It's Mr. Dempsey, mam, to see Capt. White ---

Mrs. Maxim

Mr. Dempsey? Mr. Dempsey? It don't know any Mr. Dempsey.

Minnie

He says he is from the office, mam.

Mrs. Maxim

Oh Minnie I'll see him - show him in.

(Minnie exits R.2.)

Minnie

(From R.2. Announcing)

Mr. Dempsey

(DEMPSEY enters R.2.)

Mrs. Maxim

Mr. Dempsey?

Inspector

Inspector Dempsey of the Night Boat Line.

Mrs. Maxim

Aren't you the gentleman who talked with me over the phone?

Inspector

I'm him -- I thought I knew your voice.

Mrs. Maxim

(Coquettishly)

Strange - the power of the human voice - isn't it?

Inspector

Yes, and you've got one of those voices a man could never forget.

Mrs. Maxim

Oh, Inspector.

Inspector

It's an indestructible voice -- change your needle lady, you're scratching.

(Mrs. Maxim laughs gaily - then looks over her shoulder, after laugh)

Mrs. Maxim

Yes - I just called up -

Inspector

In the nick o' time -- I'm new on this job, and your giving me the Captain's address saved me huntin' it up when they sent me to see the Captain.

Mrs. Maxim

He's not here!

Inspector

Can I see his wife?

Mrs. Maxim

I'll call her.

(Goes to library door and calls)

Hazel!

Hazel

Yes, mother.

(From off stage L.)

Mrs. Maxim

(Comes down)

Please don't mention the phone - you understand?

Inspector

Not a woid - I'll keep your secret!

(Enter HAZEL L.2. Library)

Hazel

What is it, Mother?

Mrs. Maxim

(To Hazel)

This is - Mr. Dempsey --

Inspector

Inspector Dempsey!

Mrs. Maxim

Oh yes! from Robert's office, Mr. Dempsey - this is -

Inspector

Inspector!

Mrs. Maxim

Inspector, my daugher Mrs. White.

(Hazel bows)

Inspector

Mrs. White, you're the wife of the bravest Captain on the Night Boat line.

Hazel

Oh, thank you.

Inspector

Lady, I want to tell you that your husband deserves a room and bath in the Hall o'fame for what he done last night.

Hazel

Last night!

Inspector

His name is on every chin in New York - nobody's talking of nothin' but the big rescue.

Mrs. Maxim

A rescue!

Hazel

Why, we've heard nothing about it!

Inspector

What d'ye know about that! Guess he was afraid you'd get noivous !

Hazel

You don't mean that my Bob was really in danger !

Inspector

(As if making a speech)

Why people, I tell you that the name of Captain Robert White will go down in history - as -

Mrs. Maxim

Oh, stop talking and tell us about it!

Inspector

No mam ! He's savin' the story till he gets home to his little wife -- Let him tell it!

Hazel

Oh, I can't wait!

Inspector

Then send for the afternoon papers.

(Mrs. Maxim rings bell cord)

Hazel

Oh, I'm so excited! dear old Bob!

(MINNIE appears at library door)

Mrs. Maxim

Get all the afternoon, papers, immediately.

(Minnie exits R.2.)

Hazel

I'm so proud of him.

Inspector

The company is just as proud - and they sent me to tell the Captain that as a reward for this bravery, they're going to give him five thousand dollars!

Hazel

How wonderful! Oh, you darling little man - I'd like to hug you, you beautiful bald-haired angel!

Inspector

You save that hug for the Captain.

(Going)

This little angel has to be flying away.

Hazel

(Shaking his hand)

I don't know how to thank you!

Inspector

Don't mention it!

(Goes a step and starts to put hat on)

Hazel

(Shaking his hand again)

I think it's the sweetest thing of the company to do that - you tell them for me.

Inspector

I'll tell 'em!.

(Same business with hat)

Hazel

(Shaking hand)

You've made me so happy, I can never forget you!

Inspector

Much obliged.

(Same business)

Hazel

Goodbye, Mr. Dempsey - goodbye.

(He exits R.1.)

Isn't it wonderful -- Oh I'm so happy.

(Shakes hands with Mrs. Maxim abstractedly)

Mrs. Maxim

I am surprised.

Hazel

(Playfully)

And now aren't you sorry - you bad mamma -- that you were so suspicious of our glorious hero?

(Following Mrs. Maxim's line)

Mrs. Maxim

I can tell better when I see the papers!

(Up and sit in chair near table L.)

Hazel

Oh, Mother, why will you be so pessimistic!

(Mrs. Maxim rises, goes L.)

It makes me so suspicious. I've made up my mind I'm going to make Bob a good husband just to show you.

Mrs. Maxim

You can't make a good omelette out of a bad egg -

(Exits L.2.)

(Hazel sits front of table.)

(Into SONG. HAZEL AND GIRLS.)

"LEFT ALL ALONE AGAIN BLUES"

I HAVE THE BLUES,

EVERY TIME MY HUBBY LEAVES ME I HAVE THE BLUES

BECAUSE IT PEEVES ME TO BE LEFT HERE FLAT HERE

JUST LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG.

I SAID ON A LOG

NO WOMAN KNOWS

IF SHE HAS A TRAVELIN HUSBAND JUST WHERE HE GOES

UNLESS SHE FOLLOW ON AND NAILS HIM, TRAILS HIM

JUST LIKE A FAITHFUL OLD DOG

THAT OLD SONG "WHERE HAS MY HIGHLAND LADDIE GONE"

IT SAYS A MOUTHFUL

WE NEVER DO KNOW JUST WHERE THEY DO GO

HOW THEY KEEP US GUESSING

ISN'T IT DISTRESSING

I HAVE THE BLUES

WHEN MY HUBBY LEAVES, ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T ACCUSE

EACH TIME HE SAYS "GOODBYE"

I GET THOSE SAME OLD LEFT ALL ALONE AGAIN BLUES.

2nd Verse

I HAVE THE BLUES

EVER SINCE HE MARRIED ME, I SURE HAVE THE BLUES.

BECAUSE I USED TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, ALL TIME,

EVERY TIME I MIGHT ROAM - I SAID WHEN I'D ROAM

WHEN FIRST WE MET

WE COULD RENDER A DUET

BUT NOW HUBBY SINGS "I WON'T GO HOME TILL MORNING"

EVERY ONE SHORT STANZA OF "HOME SWEET HOME"

I LIKE CATS - I'M FOND OF RABBITS

I LIKE DOGS - AND EVEN GOLD FISH

IT'S LUCKY MAYBE

FOR THERE'S A BABY

GRAND PIANO COMING

THEN I'LL START AHUMMING

I HAVE THE BLUES,

ONLY HUBBY DEAR CAN CURE MY TERRIBLE BLUES

EACH TIME HE SAYS GOODBYE

I GET THOSE DOG-GONE LEFT ALL ALONE BLUES.

(At the end of Hazel's song all on stage -- Minnie appears at door from hall, with papers)

Minnie

Here are the papers, mam!

(All gather around him and get papers - chattering Barbara and Freddie enter - get papers)

Hazel

Give one to me, Jackson!

Freddie

(Opening paper)

Now we'll find out what Bob really did -- here it is! "Fearful Collision between Two Night Boats on the Hudson River"!

All

A collision! How dreadful!

Barbara

(Reading from paper)

"Captain Robert White exonerated from all blame."

Mrs. Maxim

(Reading)

"Big hole stove in boat's bow."

All

"Wonder she didn't sink" -- etc.

Hazel

(Topping all in dramatic tone)

"Heroic action of Captain White saves seventy lives."

All

How splendid! Great!

Hazel

He's wonderful ! I always knew it -- my dear old Bob -- my hero !

Minnie

(At door)

Here's the master himself - just getting out of the taxi!

Hazel

(Like a cheer leader)

Now then -- all together - let her go -- rah-rah-rah!

(As all cheer vociferously BOB WHITE enters)

Bob

Am I elected?

Hazel

Bob darling, I'm proud of you!

(Kisses him)

Freddie

Three cheers for Bob White!

(The cheers are given while Bob look amazed-as soon as they are over he turns and is walking off stage when Hazel stops him)

Hazel

Where are you going?

Bob

Out! I'm in the wrong house!

Hazel

Don't be silly! Come back here! You deserve those cheers -- we should have a medal for you really! Kiss Mother!

Bob

Do I have to!

Hazel

I think you should.

Bob

No, you keep the medal!

Mrs. Maxim

Embrace me Robert -

(Bob goes to her and she kisses him)

Bob

Now I don't have to do that again. Now what are all the cheers for! Because I came home!

Barbara

You're too modest, Bob! We've found you out!

Mrs. Maxim

Tell us about it!

Bob

About what?

Mrs. Maxim

Your bravery on the night boat!

Bob

How dare you accuse me of such a thing?

Hazel

Of bravery , Bob?

Bob

Oh, I thought you said knavery - oh that little -- poof!

Freddie

Did you really do it?

Hazel

Freddie!

All

Oh, for shame - Mr. Ives -- etc.

Bob

Who told you about this matter -- this - matter!

Mrs. Maxim

Why it's in all the papers!

Bob

Really? Let me see it!

Hazel

No, we'd rather have t from your own lips!

Bob

Well I'd rather say nothing about it. In fact the company rather insists that their employees do not talk about such things.

Barbara

But the papers say the company exonerates you from any blame for the collision.

Bob

You, are speaking of the collision -- yes, they were rather fair minded about it. It wasn't much anyway -- a mere bump!

Hazel

Why the paper say there was a big hoe stove in her bows!

Bob

A fair-sized hole - yes - on her port side!

(All give little exclamations of "is that so" - or Dear dear" etc.)

Freddie

Which is the port side?

Bob

(Glaring at him)

That side --

(In pantomime pushes hand out in anything but intelligent manner)

Freddie

I always thought it was this side!

(Pulls hand in contrary to Bob's)

Bob

Well, it is that side --

(Using Freddie's gesture)

-- going out! But it is that side -

(Using own gesture)

coming in. And we were coming in!

Hazel

The paper says you were on your way up the River, Bob!

Bob

We were, but you didn't let me finish dear heart. I was about to say we were coming into bad weather and I had turned the boat back thinking ti would be better to put back to port and wait for the blow to be over when the blow hit us which wasn't the one I was looking for, and there you are -- you see!

Mrs. Maxim

It was the other ship's fault!

Bob

Oh, absolutely -- The moment I started to turn I held my hand out!

Hazel

What did you do after you were hit?

Bob

What does the paper say?

Freddie

We would rather have your version!

All

Yes, go on, please!

Bob

Well, of course, while the papers say I acted cool, and collected, I don't mind telling you I was rather nervous and I don't recall exactly -- my mind was so full of duties that were expected of me. I remember turning to the ship's carpenter and telling him to go below and see what damage was done. Then, of course, I told the mate to try and get the other ship's number.

Mrs. Maxim

Number!

Bob

Well you know what I mean -- name!

Freddie

What did you do?

Bob

Oh, well - I -- hate to talk about myself -- besides -- I'm sort of shaken up.

Hazel

The poor boy is nervous --

(Makes sign to others)

Now don't talk and more about the accident -- just tell us something about your ship.

Bob

She sure is a good old boat!

SONG: GOODNIGHT BOAT

Bob and Hazel

(On encoure of Bob's song only girls come back with him -- principals off. After Bob's song enter FREDDIE and BARBARA- Freddie has hat in hand)

Barbara

Isn't Bob perfectly splendid!

Freddie

He's the best I ever heard.

Barbara

Bob and I have been plas ever since he used to bribe me with a pound of chocolates to leave him alone with Hazel.

Freddie

I'll bet he'd give your mother a ton of chocolates.

Barbara

Mother doesn't mean to be mean.

Freddie

Oh, mercy me. She's as harmless as a little package of T.N.T.

Barbara

You see, neither mother or Hazel understand men.

Freddie

Don't they?

Barbara

No, and they won't take a word of advice from one who knows.

Freddie

(Pulling her curl)

Has the "one who knows" a little curl like this?

Barbara

Married women are so silly. No man can run at honeymoon speed all the time.

Freddie

I've heard 'em say so.

Barbara

And married men are so foolish when they tire of home they neer think that the door that lets them out may let another fellow in.

Freddie

That's good. "The door that let's them out"...

(Takes out note book)

Barbara

What's that?

Freddie

I'm compiling a little book..."Dont's for Married Men."

Barbara

Great. I'll write "Dues for Married Women". That covers everything from milliners bills to alimony.

Freddie

Some brains under that squiggly curl.

Barbara

I'm going to talk to Bob and give him some good advice.

Freddie

He needs it. If this rescue business doesn't cure him.

Barbara

Cure him...of what?

Freddie

Why...cure him...of those slippery nights on the Hudson.

(Enter Bob gaily)

Bob

Gee whiz, the place seems nice today. Hazel is fine and mother is jolly.

Freddie

You're there with the jolly yourself...say...that was SOME story.

Bob

Nobody knows how good a story but the author. Where's that paper?

Barbara

Freddie...did you say you left your hat on the veranda?

Freddie

No...but I will leave it there.

(Exit)

Bob

(Finds paper)

Here it is.

Barbara

Bobbie, dear, I want to talk to you.

Bob

Fire away, little sister.

Barbara

Bobbie, don't read. This is serious.

Bob

You bet it's serious.

Barbara

I don't think you and Hazel properly understand the exigencies of married life. After the post nuptial rapture has worn off the husband generally subsides into a semi-comatic state of apathy. I know what you're going to say "Why run after the car when you've caught it?"

Bob

No...I was going to say..."Where in hell do you get your ideas."

Barbara

I think.

Bob

You said it. Do you talk like this to Freddie?

Barbara

He's not in the family. I believe the family should stand together.

Bob

Your mother couldn't stand together.

Barbara

She stands with Hazel, and I stand with YOU.

Bob

You're a dear little pal....

Freddie

(From balcony)

I found my hat. Shall I lose it again?

Barbara

Just a minute.

(To Bob)

I'm going to send Hazel here and when she comes in you just kiss and be friends.

Bob

My wife and I are friendly sometimes.

Barbara

I'm going to help you change "sometimes" to "always." Bobbie, dear.

(Exits. Freddie watches her)

Freddie

She's a wonderful kid.

Bob

If you get her you get the cream off the family jar. I got the family jar.

Freddie

I hope I get her.

Bob

But be warned. Don't ask mother visit.

Freddie

(Writing in book)

That's a good one..."Don't ask mother".

Bob

Since she camped on me my home isn't my own; my wife isn't my own, darn it, my mind isn't my own...my nerves are all shot to pieces....look at that.

(Holds out hand. It trembles)

Freddie

Just like Bee Palmer.

Bob

I'm all unstrung. Pretty soon I'll be doing this....

(Tries to catch fingers)

Freddie

I don't like to worry you, but you don't look well.

Bob

Don't I?

Freddie

No.

Bob

I'm NOT well. The doctor says it's all nerves. Have to be out in the air...wonder if ti's too late for golf....

(Looks at watch)

Can't be that time.

(Shakes watch, puts to ear. Freddie sees picture in watch)

Freddie

Aha, what girl is keeping time for you?

Bob

Oh, that's just a distant friend...I mean.....

Freddie

Is she blonde or brunette?

Bob

Brunette.

Freddie

This would be a great world if it wasn't for two things.

Bob

What?

Freddie

Blondes and brunettes.

Bob

Aren't girls silly when they get crazy about you. She said she'd put this here so I could kiss her good-night.

(Enter Hazel)

Freddie

I'll bet you didn't kiss her good night last night. you were too busy with the collision.

Hazel

Didn't kiss who good night. Let me in the joke.

Bob

No joke, dear. We were talking about...about you.

Hazel

Of course, you couldn't kiss me good night, last night. You were too busy.

Bob

Yes. Last night was my busy night.

Freddie

If you husbands knew how tired we single men get of hearing how you love your wives...

Hazel

Did you say "wives"?

Freddie

I was speaking in the plural with a singular meaning.

Hazel

I was to tell you that a little girl is looking for your hat in the garden.

Freddie

I'll take it right out to her.

(Exit) (Bob picks up paper)

Hazel

Don't read about yourself, darling, you'll be too vain.

Bob

I want to see what t says.

Hazel

(Giving him coat she brought in)

I brought your house coat...that is so warm...dear, take it off.

Bob

That was very thoughtful of you.

Hazel

You'll be much cooler without your vest, dear.

(He removes coat and vest, puts on house coat)

Bob

Of course, it is, dear.

(She goes to library door. He grabs paper. She returns with his slippers, kneels before him)

Bob

Hazel, you make me feel.....Oh, if your mother would only go away and leave us alone.

Hazel

WAIT....when Barbara marries I shall insist upon her goin...fifty-fifty- with mother.

Bob

You know she positively nagged me into the Night Boat business.

Hazel

But see the glory it has brought you. The trouble with mother is this....I wouldn't marry the man she picked for me so now she picks on the man I married.

Minnie

(Entering)

There's a man who wants to see Capt. White about the Night Boat.

Hazel

It must be a reporter. Tell him to come in.

(Exit Minnie)

Bob

I can't see any reporters. I'm too nervous to be interviewed just now. You see him, Hazel, and if he asks about the collision, tell him what I told you,

Hazel

But you haven't told me anything.

Bob

You tell him the same.

(He exits, as Minnie enters)

Minnie

Will you come in, sir?

(Enter Captain, very angry now)

Capt.

Now trot out your Capt. White and give us a good look at him. And don't dwaddle, for I'm in no humor to be waitin' about.

(Exits Minnie)

Hazel

May I ask the cause of the great excitement?

Capt.

May I ask who you are?

Hazel

I am Mrs. White, the wife of Capt. White.

Capt.

D'ye mind tellin' me just WHAT Capt. White is YOUR Capt. White?

Hazel

Capt. Robert White of the Night Boat Line.

Capt.

Let me tell you that Capt. White of the Night Boat Line hasn't got a wife, never HAD a wife and the chances are never will have a wife.

Hazel

Why do you say that?

Capt.

Because I am Capt. Robert White.

Hazel

Oh, you must be mistaken. Don't you suppose I know WHAT MY husband IS?

Capt.

You may, but you don't know what he will be when I get through with him.

Hazel

It's all very simple. It's a coincidence...there must be two Capt. Whites.

Capt.

I tell ye I'm the only White man on the Line.

Hazel

Mother says my husband is fooling me.

Capt.

I guess mother's wise.

Hazel

I wonder if she could be. Oh, I can't bear to think that Bob has deceived me. Oh, do you think he'd deceive me?

Capt.

I don't know how he could. You're an awful nice little woman.

Hazel

I've made him a good wife.

Capt.

Too bad you couldn't make him a good husband.

Hazel

Maybe I could if I changed my method.

Capt.

Perhaps you're too sweet to him. A man tires of candy without flavor...we like peppermint and sassafrass.

Hazel

I think I'll hand Mr. Bob a little pep and sass for a change.

Capt.

How'll ye go about it?

Hazel

The very first time he goes again, I'll take a trip on the Night Boat myself.

Capt.

Come along. I'll prove to you that he's not on the boat.

Hazel

If he's not, I'll start something.

Capt.

Would you mind startin' in my direction?

Hazel

Captain, did any woman ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes.

Capt.

No, mam.

Hazel

Well, you have wonderful eyes. They're so Scotch, and I love everything Scotch.

Capt.

Do ye now?

Hazel

Yes, indeed. I'm crazy about hop scotch....scotch oats....Oh, just everything Scotch.

Capt.

Ye flatter me.

Hazel

Now when my husband comes, don't let him know we've met.

Capt.

I won't, and I'm awful sorry I made ye feel bad.

Hazel

Oh, that's nothing...for....

Song: "I have The Blues"

(Exit to balcony) (Capt)

(Enter Barbara)

Barbara

Oh, Hazel, aren't these things we've been hearing about Bob terribly wonderful?

Hazel

Yes...they're wonderfully terrible....

(Abstractedly)

"You didn't kiss her goodnight last night"...that's what Freddie said....and THE WATCH!

(She rushes to chair, goes through pockets while Barbara watches her in surprise)

Barbara

Hazel, what on earth's the matter?

Hazel

(Opening watch)

Aha, and now we'll see what we shall see. Oh, look at that.

Barbara

Girl's picture. Oh, isn't she pretty?

Hazel

Could any girl look pretty in your husband's watch?

Barbara

Are you sure this is Bob's watch?

Hazel

The one I gave him....

(Reading)

"To dearest Bob from his loving Hazel"...."Loving Hazel". No wonder they named me for a nut.

Barbara

But how did the picture get there?

Hazel

She put it there so he could kiss her goodnight, but he couldn't kiss her goodnight last night because last night was the night of the collision....the collision.....that opens up another line of thought.

Barbara

What do you mean, Hazel?

Hazel

I see it all. There wasn't any collision. I mean...not for Bob. But just wait. Just wait until Capt. Robert White collides with me. His family will have some trouble keeping the seats in the first ten carriages out of the hands of the speculators.

(Exit. Freddie enters. She pushes him aside)

Freddie

Why the rough stuff?

Barbara

She's found a girl's picture in Bob's watch.

Freddie

So she landed him

Barbara

I can't figure Bob for that. A man should carry only his wife's picture in his watch.

Freddie

Let's put his wife's picture in.

(taking picture out of watch)

Barbara

I've got a picture of Hazel right here.

(takes picture from locket)

(gives it to Freddie who puts it in watch)

Do you think you can get the watch back in his pocket without his knowing it.

Freddie

The way he is now I could put his vest on without his knowing it.

Barbara

(holding out girls picture)

I suppose shes what men call attractive - Would you kiss a face like that?

Freddie

Would I?

(kisses her)

Barbara

Oh Freddie that's so trite. Can't you even think of something original to do so -

Freddie

All the original stunts have been pulled, no matter what a fellow says to a girl nowadays, its a sinch she's heard it before.

Barbara

Yes, and she knows the answer.

Song: "I'd Like a Lighthouse" Duet

(Barbara and Freddie exit R.1.)

(After Lighthouse number)

(Enter Minnie from L.1. followed by Bob)

Minnie

Mrs. White said he was in here sir. -

Bob

Did he say who it was?

Minnie

(To Captain who is on balcony)

If you'll step in sir, Captain White will see you!

(Enter CAPTAIN - Minnie exits - Captain glowers at Bob)

Bob

How do you do?

Captain

How are you?

Bob

You wish to see me!

Captain

I do! And I'm thinking I want to see you more than you will want to see me before I am done with you!

Bob

What are you going to do with me?

Captain

I am undecided yet whether I ought to put you in jail or just give you a good scrunchin' --

(Towering over him)

Bob

I've just finished luncheon!

Captain

Go on -- have your jokes if you think they're funny, but I tell you there'll be lots of time for serious meditation before I am through with you, Mr. Robert White.

Bob

Captain Robert White!

Captain

(With great contempt)

Captain -- Impostor Robert White -- Do you know who I am?

Bob

I haven't the least idea!

Captain

I'm Captain Robert White. Captain Robert White of the Albany Night Boat, and if you think for a moment I'm going to let you get away with that five thousand dollars I earned by meritorious behavior in an unforseen circumstance you're mightily mistaken.

Bob

You're Captain Bob White!

Captain

I am, and if you don't believe me -- there's my card!

Bob

Oh well, of course, that convinces me --

(After a pause)

Has anyone in this house seen you yet?

Captain

No!

(Bob looks around and then after a pause brings foward a chair - sits down.)

I'm not thinkin' of compromising!

Bob

I'm not going to ask you to! Have a drink?

Captain

No!

Bob

You won't !

Captain

Oh, did ye ask "Will I?" -- I thought ye said "have ye"! Certainly!

Bob

We've got rye and bevo -- which will ye have!

Captain

Don't be ridiculous!

(Bob comes down with decanter and two glasses - pours.)

Bob

Say when!

Captain

When --

(Bob stops)

I didn't think ye'd take me seriously!

(Bob takes a drink)

Bob

Good luck!

Captain

(Is about to drink - stops)

To whom!

Bob

To both of us!

Captain

Good luck!

(Gulps his drink - Bob starts to drink and when he sees the Captain finish - stops and places filled glass before the Captain, and takes Captain's empty, and refills it - this is repeated two or three times.)

Bob

Now, first let me assure you I don't want any part of your five thousand dollars -- I'd be willing to give you five thousand dollars if I could spare it to keep you quiet about this mix-up -- because that's all it is, is just a mix-up, and I'm sorry about the whole affair.

Captain

Well, will you please tell me why you told the people you were the Captain of the Albany Night Boat.

Bob

Well, for one thing, I didn't think there would be anyone on them with the same name. Secondly, I had to have an occupation which would take me away from town for a few days a week.

Captain

What do you call a few days?

Bob

Well, from Saturday to Monday!

Capatain

You just took one trip a week?

Bob

That's all -- just a week-end Captain!

Captain

How did you come to pick the Night Boat? Do you like the water?

Bob

I hate it! I can't take a trip across the Fort Lee Ferry without serious complications arising!

Captain

Then why didn't you make yourself a conductor or an engineer?

Bob

Because my mother-in-law doesn't like the water as much as I do -- and it's the one job I could think of where she couldn't follow me.

Captain

I see, and what makes you want to make this trip every week?

Bob

Well ---

(Hesitates)

Captain

I think I can guess -- weemen --

Bob

No! Only one!

Captain

That makes it more serious!

Bob

I know it. About three months ago on a trip to New York I met a young lady through a mutual acquaintance -- I called at her house on East 64th Street for dinner -- everything quite proper I assure you -- I made a great impression not only with the young lady but with the entire household.

Captain

That's funny!

Bob

Oh, I can be pleasant enough if I am treated right, and that was exactly how I fell for them. It had been so long since I had had a chance to tell a story to its finish, and what is more to get a laugh on it -- the novelty appealed me.

Captain

And you have been making trips to see her every week?

Bob

Well, I call to see all of them -- of course I will admit I might not do it if the young lady was not as beautiful as she is -- but -- I give you my word, it as much to have a quiet and pleasant Sunday as anything else. You have no idea what I am up against here at home.

Captain

And nobody in your house suspects it?

Bob

Well, of course, my mother-in-law suspects but there is no need to worry about that!

Captain

Why not?

Bob

She'd do that anyway. That's her life -- suspecting and investigating -- in another woman it would be meddling -- with her it's investigating!

Captain

The young lady is pretty I think you said!

Bob

She's beautiful!

Captain

And what is the finish to be?

Bob

The finish is to be soon. The girl and her sister are going up to Albany on your boat to-night. I promised their mother I'd look after them on the trip, and I'm going to break the news that I"m going to break away.

Captain

(with sarcasm)

I suppose you think it'll break her heart!

Bob

She'll get over it -- she's such a kid! She seems very fond of me ---- that's what caught me -- the novelty of anyone admiring me.

Captain

(sternly)

Haven't ye a wife?

Bob

I have -- and a mother-in-law -- and it's making me a nervous wreck, deceiving everybody this way -- Look at me ----

(Hand shakes)

-- I can't sleep, I can't eat, and everyone looks at me and seems to be saying "I'm on". No, I've got to give it up. Two more trips at most and I'll fire myself from the job on the Night Boat -- the little girl is going on your boat tonight with her sisters, and I'm going alone, too. Don't show me up, and you'll be my friend for life.

(Enter HAZEL - Captain looks at her as she crosses to table and takes up book)

Captain

(Gives hand to Bob)

It's a go --

Bob

God bless you, Captain!

Captain

A devilish pretty woman -- introduce me!

Bob

My wife -- Captain -- Captain --

Captain

Captain Robert Bruce!

Hazel

(Giving her hand)

Robert Bruce -- that names always reminds me of spiders - I hope you wouldn't weave your wicked web around a poor innocent little fly!

(Looks up at him)

Captain

I'm afraid this little fly is too fly to wander into any clumsy web that I could spin.

Hazel

Oh, Captain I know how fearfully fascinating your sailor spiders are!

Captain

It's easy seein' you like sailors when you choose one for your husband.

Hazel

Oh, I didn't marry him because he was a sailor --

Captain

(With a glance at Bob)

Did ye have any good reason?

Hazel

(Laughing)

Oh, Captain! I see you're there with the ripping repartee!

(Taps him on arms - during this Bob has been trying to get in the conversation but each time he approaches they turn away, and shut him out. FREDDIE enters and sees the situation.)

Freddie

What's the idea?

Bob

(Aside to Freddie)

I'm in an awful mess -- I want to get this fellow out of here!

Freddie

Tell 'em another -- say you're going on the boat tonight.

Bob

That's the truth -- tonight I am going !

Freddie

(Loudly)

If you're going on your boat it's time to start!

(Hazel listening puts hand on Captain's arm - they exchange glances)

Bob

(Nervously)

Yes - yes - er - what time is it?

(Looking over at them)

Freddie

I haven't my watch - what does yours say?

(Palms Bob's watch as if taking it out of pocket)

Yes, you'll have to be going -- I'll ring for a taxi.

(Puts watch in Bob's pocket)

(Exits - Bob comes down - Hazel and Captain do not notice him.)

Bob

We'll have to be starting for town.

(The whisper and take no notice. He speaks louder)

I say -- we'll have to be starting for town.

(No notice)

Hazel -

(She turns)

On account of the collision, I'll have to go back on my boat - tonight ---

(She looks at him so steadily he weakens)

and -- we'll have to be starting for town.

Hazel

(With tragic voice)

Oh, Bob, how dreadful! -- The Captain and I are just getting acquainted.

(Turning back to Capt.)

Captain

Never fear I will drop in soon, to continue the acquaintance.

(They become engrossed in one another. Bob - looks at them disconsolately - then walks up stage as Freddie re-enters from hall)

Freddie

I phoned all the taxi offices, so one will be sure to come.

(Bob speaks to him softly so that Hazel has time for an aside to the Captain)

Hazel

He says he's going on the boat tonight --

Captain

(Softly)

Will ye come?

(Hazel nods - as Bob comes down - then speaks aloud)

Hazel

Do come and see me sometime when my husband is on his boat -- that's when I'm lonely.

Captain

(Lovingly)

Ye need never be lonely again!

Freddie

Never tell me the Scotch are not quick workers!

(Into FINALE)

ACT II

The Boat

At rise of curtain, Jug Band, dancing then Specialty....Steward. After Steward exit, enter Lady's Maid.

Betty

Terrible crowd on board this boat.

Susan

Ordinary I really must change places soon. I am so tired of these river trips.

Jane

My people don't seem to know there is an ocean.

Minnie

Ladys maids are never give the consideration they deserve. If we were to tell all we know.

Alice

Oh, Lord, if we ever did, half our people would be in jail.

Song: Ladies Maids.

Dance and exit. Steward Enters.

Steward

Ice cream cones. Ice cream cones.

(Mrs. Maxim, Freddie and Barbara enter. Inspector makes signs to Steward and slips away)

Ice cream cones. Ice cream cones.

(Exit)

Mrs. Maxim

Oh, do let's get some....it's so refreshing.

Barbara

He'll be back soon.

Mrs. Maxim

Queer we haven't see Robert

Freddie

The captain has to stay in the chart room when he's navigatin.

Mrs. Maxim

He can stop navigating long enough to come to see his family.

(Steward crosses)

Freddie

We'll have him paged.

Steward

Ice cream cones.

Mrs. Maxim

Steward. Will you please go and tell the captain of this boat that I want to see him immediately?

(Steward starts to go, stops to listen to Barbara and Mrs. Maxim speak, then goes)

Barbara

Freddie's right, mother. There's a lot of red tape to go through.

Mrs. Maxim

Is there a mate on this boat?

Steward

Every passenger aboard has one. Ice cream cones.

(Bob and Dora come out on upper deck)

Barbara

Freddie, don't you think mother out to go to her stateroom and rest?

Freddie

She certainly should. She's likely to get rough tonight.

Mrs. Maxim

I never get rough, and I will not go to my stateroom until I have spoken to my son-in-law.

(Bob recognizes voice, leaves Dora, and peers over rail at family-party)

Bob

Great Scott!

Dora

What's the matter, dear?

(Bob motions her to be quiet)

Mrs. Maxim

Let's go on the upper deck, where I can see everything.

Bob

(Pointing off R.)

Isn't that beautiful?

Dora

Where are we now?

Bob

In a few minutes we'll be passing Pittsburgh. Let's go down where we can see better.

Dora

But Pittsburgh isn't on the Hudson, dear.

Mrs. Maxim

I'm afraid It's too breezy up there.

(Starts to go down. Bob start to go up)

Bob

I suppose you'd like it better up there.

(Pushing her up again)

Freddie

Do go up. The view is wonderful.

Bob

But I think I'd like it better down....

Dora

What HIM likes is what HER does....

(Bob and Dora exit R. Enter Capt. followed by Steward)

Steward

Oh, Captain.

Captain

What's amiss?

Steward

Captain.

Captain

What is it?

Steward

Trouble. There's a new Inspector aboard.

Bob

(Entering)

I want to talk to you.

Capt.

I've no time to talk to ye now.

Bob

You've got to find time, Capt. This is important....and private.

(Steward goes)

Capt. I'm in trouble.

Capt

Don't trouble me wid your troubles. I've troubles of my own.

Bob

What are your troubles, Captain?

Capt.

I've got an Inspector on board.

Bob

That's nothing, I've got a mother-in-law on board.

Capt.

You poor worm. Are ye afraid of your mother-in-law?

Bob

Certainly not, but she thinks I'm the Captain of this scow, and I've got to keep her thinking so.

Capt.

How'll ye do it?

Bob

Borrow one of your uniforms and act like a captain.

Capt.

D'ye think ye could?

Bob

I haven't seen you do anything yet I wouldn't tackle.

(Inspector comes on upper deck. Steward enters below)

Capt.

Oh, go along. Come along to my cabin.

Bob

But do I get the uniform?

Capt.

You do. Mercy on us.

Steward

The Inspector.

(Captain and Bob exit) (Enter Freddie and Barbara)

Barbara

Ask the Steward about Bob.

Freddie

Hey, Steward, tip me off. Is there such a thing as a Captain on this boat?

Steward

Don't you know you can't run a boat without a captain?

Freddie

You go tell him I want to see him....

Steward

You can send ten words more for the same price.

Freddie

On your way.

Steward

I fly.

(Exit)

Barbara

I think I'll go find mother.

Freddie

Don't go. Sit down for a minute. I want to talk to you.

Barbara

About what?

Freddie

About the moon and everything. Oh, do sit down.

Barbara

Very well. Go on...

Freddie

To begin with...isn't the river wonderful?

Barbara

(Yawning slightly)

Wonderful!

Freddie

You don't need the whole reserved section, do you?

(She moves over. He sits, at a loss what to say)

May I smoke?

Barbara

Certainly.

Freddie

Thanks. Well, to begin......I love you in the daylight, but...in moonlight you're divine.

Barbara

I read that in a book.

Freddie

I thought it was original.

(Notices cigar isn't lighted)

May I smoke?

Barbara

Certainly.

Freddie

Thanks.

(Lights cigar and puffs violently)

Let me see....where were we?

Barbara

On the Hudson river.

Freddie

Yes, on the Hudson river. Does this cigar bother you?

Barbara

No, but it seems to bother you. Are you going to smoke it?

Freddie

Certainly I'm going to smoke it...or was I going to eat it? I don't like these Panatella cigars do you?

Barbara

I never tried one.

Freddie

Don't do it. You won't like 'em. They're the kind of cigars a man buys to give to his friends. Your mother must have bought this one.

Barbara

If that's all you have to say I think I'll go.

Freddie

Oh, please don't go. Just think....we never held hands on this boat, before.

Barbara

As it happens, we're not holding hands.

Freddie

I'll attend to that immediately, and I've got something to tell you....

(Puts his arm around her)

Well....to begin with....

(She takes match from box on seat, lights it and offers to him. He takes her hand, blows match out, kisses her hand)

Well, to begin with....have you the slightest idea of how people become engage?

Barbara

Of course. She meets him, or else he meets her and they go off to some nice little cafe and talk things over:

Into Duet: "Don't You Want to Take ME?"

(Exit)

(Enter Mrs. Maxim with Hazel)

Mrs. Maxim

Don't you think it's about time we saw your precious husband?

Hazel

If he doesn't know we're on board, why should he look for us?

Mrs. Maxim

Then why don't you look for him?

Hazel

I will, but he may not be on this boat after all.

Mrs. Maxim

I'm sure he is.

Hazel

I'm sure he isn't.

(Enter Freddie with Barbara)

Freddie

The "isn'ts" seem to have it. What is the argument?

Hazel

Mother says she thinks Bob is on this boat and I think he isn't.

Mrs. Maxim

Where is he, then? Can you explain it?

Freddie

Why, if he isn't on this boat, this isn't the boat he is on. You understand that, don't you?

Mrs. Maxim

Proceed......

Freddie

To go...I should say....to proceed; if this is the boat that he isn't on, isn't it possible that the other boat IS the boat that he is on if he isn't on the boat he is supposed to be on? And there you are?

Mrs. Maxim

What other boat?

Freddie

Ah. There it is. Who can say that? I couldn't go so far as to make any assertions, but my deduction is that the boat that isn't this boat, is the boat that he is on if this is the boat that he isn't on, isn't it?

Mrs. Maxim

I don't get it. And you may is and isn't from here to Albany and when the truth is known you will see your mother is right as always.

(Bob comes in)

Hazel

Why, Captain.....

Bob

My wife. You here.

Mrs. Maxim

Robert.

Bob

If it isn't dear mother. Well, well, what a happy surprise.

Mrs. Maxim

You look almost manly in that uniform.

Bob

It's my Bridge uniform. I lead from ly long suit.

Hazel

I'm so glad you found us. Now you can tell us all about the ship.

Bob

The pleasure's mine....for next to his wife, a good commander loves his mizzenmast top-sle.

(Sings)

"Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yeo-ho! And a bottle of rum."

Barbara

It's a pretty thing.

Bob

What the deuce?

Barbara

How fast are we going now.

Bob

Thirty to thirty five, but we slow down to the speed limit at Yonkers.

Freddie

What sort of engine have you, Bob, oscillating cylinders?

Bob

No, sir. No oscillating cylinders on my boat.

Freddie

What's her displacement?

Bob

Everything's in perfect order.

Mrs. Maxim

Well, what shall we see first?

Bob

The most interesting thing on the whole boat.

All

What is it?

Bob

You....I won't tell you. I'll show you, when I have time.

Hazel

We mustn't take you away from your business.

Bob

Oh, I"ve ten or fourteen minutes to spare. You see, I don't go on watch till eight bells.

Mrs. Maxim

Eight bells? What time is that?

Bob

Why, don't you know what time is eight bells?

Mrs. Maxim

No. Do you?

Bob

Just for that I'll make you wait to hear them.

Hazel

And you must leave me then?

Bob

When eight bells strike, no matter what happens, I go. You just go along the deck there, away out on the end of a boardwalk, and when you get to the binnacle porthole, wait for me.

Mrs. Maxim

Come along. I don't want to miss anything.

(She goes with Barbara and Freddie-Hazel starts after her and stops)

Bob

Would you know that?

Hazel

Bob, I wish you'd give up being the Captain of this boat.

Bob

Give up the sea. Why, girl, it's my life. The dash of the salt and the smell of the waves...a sailors life for me...yeo-ho.

Hazel

But, Bob, if you must give orders, why not give them at home?

Bob

Not until your mother is made a rear admiral.

Hazel

Some thing has gone wrong with us. Bob, is it all my fault?

Bob

I wouldn't say that, dear. I may have been in the wrong myself. Slightly.

(They embrace. Enter Mrs. Maxim)

Mrs. Maxim

Hazel!

Bob

Great guns. Can't I kiss my own wife?

Mrs. Maxim

You never kiss her at home. Come Hazel.

Hazel

You're coming too, aren't you, Bob?

(She exits, Maxim turns to go)

Bob

Oh, but I'd like to get something on you.

Mrs. Maxim

What's that?

Bob

You're so damned suspicious of everybody I'll bet you've got a past.

Mrs. Maxim

(Florence and Dora have entered behind Bob)

My past! Ha. What's that behind YOU.

Bob

(Seeing the girls)

You're quite right, absolutely. Wouldn't give you an argument, but may I suggest that the others are waiting for you?

Mrs. Maxim

Who are those girls?

Bob

Passengers, I suppose.

Mrs. Maxim

The tall one acted as if she knew you.

Bob

Absolute strangers. It's the uniform. They all at me.

Mrs. Maxim

I don't wonder. You look like the carriage started at the Automat.

(Exit) (Singing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles")

Bob

How sweet the sea gulls sing tonight.

Dora

Who is she?

Bob

One of the passengers, I suppose.

Florence

Dora, doesn't he look funny?

Dora

What on earth have you got on?

Florence

Where did you get it?

Bob

You see, the bottle broke...I mean the hot water bag...well, anyway, my coat got all damp and the Captain sent it to the engine room to dry and loaned me this. It was made by Omar The Tentmaker.

(Enter Captain)

Captain

So there you are.....all dressed up.

Bob

Just a moment. I want you to meet a little friend of mine, Miss DeCosta. Captain White.

(Dora and Captain look at each other)

Dora

You!

Bob

Oh, so you're already acquainted? Then perhaps you'd like to chat a while. I've got a little business. I don't mind at all.

Capt.

Perhaps I could find a few words to say to the ladies.

Dora

Will you excuse us Mr. Black?

Capt.

Black?

Bob

It's all right White. Then run along, children, run along.

(They exit)

Thank goodness I'm rid of her.

(Freddie enters left)

Freddie

What's the matter, old man, are nervous?

Bob

I AM nervous. I'll be glad when this night's over.

Freddie

The strain is beginning to tell on you. I notice a queer look around your eyes.

Bob

What sort of a queer look?

Freddie

Enlargement of the pupils. It's a very common nervous symptom.

Bob

Is it?

(Picks at his eye)

Freddie

Don't do that, Bob.

Bob

Don't do what?

Freddie

That.....

(Imitating him)

Bob

Was I doing that.

(Doing it again)

...I didn't know I was doing that.

Freddie

They never do, but you don't want to let a dippy doctor catch you at it.

Bob

A dippy doctor. What do you mean, Freddie? You don't think there's anything....

Freddie

No, no. Calm down. Everything's all right, you'll be all right old man. You're just nervous and upset. You'll be all right.

Bob

Yes, I'll be all right.

Freddie

Tomorrow you can run up and see the little girl, by the way, I didn't get a good look at that picture in your watch.

Bob

She's a devilish pretty girl, Freddie.

(Takes out watch and hands to Freddie)

...but once I get rid of her...never again.

Freddie

She is pretty. Do you know, there's a girl that looks very much like her on THIS boat.

Bob

Why there isn't any other girl who looks like this girl. Great Scott!

Freddie

What's the matter?

Bob

Is that the same picture I showed you before?

Freddie

The very same.

Bob

It can't be. this is my wife's picture.

Freddie

Nonsense.

Bob

I guess I know my own wife.

Freddie

Bob, you don't really think this is Hazel's picture?

Bob

Look for yourself.

Freddie

I don't want to scare you, but you know optical delusion is a first symptom of a serious disease. Of course, I believe that you believe that you saw another picture there.

Bob

Take it away. Take it away. Take it away.

Freddie

Don't get excited. Keep cool. Keep cool.

Bob

I see it now. My brain is wrong. I'm all wrong. My pupils are disturbed. My fingers twitch. I've got optical delusions. I've got serious symptoms. Take it away. Take it away. Away..I'm all to the bad. I'm dippy...I'm daffy. Bug-house. Take it away. Take it away.

(Exits)

(Enter Dora and Captain)

Capt.

I assure you I meant no harm. I says to myself "Robbie, look at that little lovey lambkin. Just then the ship gave a roll and I threw out my arms to keep you from falling.

Dora

And I felt myself hugged by a great big bear.

Capt.

And looked down into your wee face, and you looked up into my wee face...and when a fellow is so near a strawberry how can he help from picking it?

Dora

When I told mother she was furious.

Capt.

I'm awfully sorry. Let me call on your mother and explain.

Dora

Perhaps.

(Hands him book)

The address is on the front page.

(Exit)

(Enter Hazel)

Capt.

I'm all trembling.

(Reading)

Dora DeCosta, Glenmount Landing.

Hazel

Oh, Captain...she's very pretty. Oh, you devil-devil-devil.

Capt.

I feel so self-conscious. Your husband just introduced her to me.

Hazel

And she gave you a book. What is it?

Capt.

Love Thoughts of Lovin' Lover.

Hazel

Oh, Capt. Poetry. I love poetry. Next to Welsh Rarebits I love poetry.

(Reads)

"LOOK, SWEETHEART, LOOK INTO MY PASSIONATE EYES....

Capt.

Carry on. Carry on.

Hazel

"My eyes that yearn, and burn, and turn".....She must have been cross-eyed.

Capt.

It's warm stuff all right.

Hazel

I wouldn't mind some thing warm....I'm awfully chilly.

Capt.

I wish I had some thing to offer you.

(Enter Steward)

By crickey, I have..Steward fetch the basket of fruit from my locker.

Steward

Right away, sir.

(Exit)

Hazel

Fruit won't make me any warmer.

Capt.

Won't it, though. Wait till you try it. It's not anything you ever saw before. It's a present from a friend of mine who's in the substitute fruit business.

Hazel

Substitute fruit. What's that?

Capt.

It looks like the real stuff, but it's better, for every grape is filled with good brandy. Every plum has a comforting wee bit of Scotch inside.

Hazel

M-m. I think I'd like a Scotch plum.

Capt.

And if you ever eat an Orange you lose consciousness.

Hazel

Don't you tempt me with an orange.

Capt.

You'll like it fine.

Hazel

You're awfully good to me, Capt. And I'm afraid you're right about my husband.

Capt.

Let me tell you...that feller's as jealous of me as he can be. I'll bet he's spying around here now.

Hazel

He has to go on watch at eight bells.

Capt.

Who said so?

Hazel

He told me himself. When eight bells strike, no matter what happens he goes.

(Enter Bob)

Capt.

Never mind, little lady. I'll take care of you while he's on watch. (Tries to puat arm around her)

(Enter Steward with fruit)

Steward

Oh, Captain.

Capt.

Go about your business.

Steward

Right away, sir.

(Places basket of fruit on seat and goes.)

Bob

What do you think you're doing?

Capt.

I was just whispering to your wife. Tellin' her a wee bit funny story.

Bob

Suppose you tell it to me. I don't think she'd get the Scotch humor.

Capt.

I'm afraid you wouldn't see the point. Ha. Ha.

Bob

What do you mean, I wouldn't see the point?

Hazel

You mustn't mind him, Capt. He hasn't been himself lately. He's nervous.

Capt.

If he's so nervous perhaps we'd better leave him by himself.

Bob

Yes. I'm going to leave myself by myself, with my wife.

Capt.

(To Hazel)

What do you say?

Hazel

...If you'll excuse me.

Capt.

I wouldn't have offered an orange if I'd a thought you preferred a lemon.

(Exit R. Bob rushes after him)

Bob

Have a care, my lad. Don't forget that I'm commander here.

Capt.

Aye, aye, sir.

Bob

Go aloft and mizzle the starboard anchor....and keep away from ladies, you miserable marlin-spike.

(Exit. Hazel follows him off) (Enter Mrs. Maxim)

Mrs. Maxim

What a wonderful night. And the moon....every time I see the moon it gives me the blues.

Into: "Blues"

(Enter Steward)

Steward

Hello, kid. All alone?

Mrs. Maxim

Why, it's the Steward.

Steward

Yes, mam....

Mrs. Maxim

Don't go. You seem a very superior young man for a Steward.

Steward

Yes, mam...I'm just stewarding to pay my way through college.

Mrs. Maxim

I could see you were a gentleman. Sit down.

Steward

Yes, I'm a gentleman.

(Sits on fruit)

What the devil is that. The Capt. basket of fruit.

Mrs. Maxim

California fruit. How beautiful. How delicious. And I'm so hungry.

Steward

Yes, but it doesn't belong to us.

Mrs. Maxim

But isn't it magnificent...and tempting. Oh, my.

Steward

(Holding up grapes)

Sure is. Old Capt. couldn't kick if one of 'em fell off.

(One falls off)

Can't blame me for taking what I fond on the deck, can he?

Mrs. Maxim

Certainly not.

Steward

Oh, me, oh my. They're scrumptious.

Mrs. Maxim

Tantalizer.

(Lets one fall into her lap)

Findings keepings.

(She eats it)

Steward

Say, kid...don't ne dishtant.

(Puts arm around her. She puts her head on his shoulder. Bob enters, sees her)

Mrs. Maxim

You're so sympathetic. Snice Snight!

(Starts laughing. She sings: "Roll on...shilver moon....Yodels Oy-oy-oi!)

(Laughs, then stops)

Steward

What's the matter?

Mrs. Maxim

I think you'd better take me out to the air.

Steward

(Trying to rise, can't)

There ain't no more air.

Mrs. Maxim

Ish thish boat goin' round the river or is the river goin round the boat....It's cutting up some awful capers.

Steward

Come on, lesh go.

(He rises, gets her up. She laughs)

What is it now?

Mrs. Maxim

It's time you took me away. The smoke stach is doing the shimmie.

Song: "Don't You Want to Take Me?"

Steward

(Eating)

How is it?

Mrs. Maxim

It's a long time since I tasted anything so good.

Steward

(Rating)

Scrumptious.

Mrs. Maxim

And what a delightful odor.

(Sniffs grapes)

Smells just like my first husband.

Steward

Heresh a nishe plum.

Mrs. Maxim

"He stuck in his plum, and pulled out a thumb, and shaid whash a good bot shm I.....

(Steward holds up an orange)

Steward

Wan' an on'ge.

(They each take one. There is a little top on each, with a stem, that comes out so they can sip the liquor)

Mrs. Maxim

First time I ever shaw an orangsh with a cover like a shuer-bowl.

(Bob enters. Looks over railing at water. He is in a study and without looking at them at all sits down on back of their seat)

(Mrs. Maxim laughs)

Steward

Whasa joke?

Mrs. Maxim

I wash thinkin'...never went to shea for fear I'd be shea-shick an' here I am at shea n' not shea-shick at all. Jush as happy ash I ever wash on land...mush' be'cause you're beside me.

(They exit) (Enter Freddie and Inspector)

Inspr.

Believe me there are some pretty swell Janes on this boat. Is it always like this?

Freddie

Sure...only Saturday night it goes double. Say they tell me there is a troupe of Spanish dancers on the boat, going up to Albany to dance at a Senator's dinner.

Inspr.

Gee, those senators have a hard life...

(Sees Spanish girl)

S' beautiful evening.

Inez

Si, Si, Senor.

Inspr.

No, dearie, that isn't the sea. That's the Hudson River. It's an exceptionally beautiful evening ce soir, ne'cest pas? No understand? one moment. Si hablo Espaniola.

Inez

You're a liar.

Freddie

(Seeing other Spanish girl)

Oh, Lady, did anyone happen to suggest to you that you are the most beautifulist, most wonderfullist girl in the whole world because I'll say you are that and a few more besides, and if there's anything I can do for you, girlie, I'm yours to command.

Isabella

El Toro.

Freddie

El Toro?

Isabella

The Bull.

Number: "She's Spanish". After number, ensemble remains on stage. Enter Captain.

Capt.

Clear the decks, Steward, everything under cover. There's a big blow coming.

Hazel

(Entering)

Oh, Captain, do you think there's a storm coming?

(Wind whistles)

O-o-oh, hear that.

Capt.

We'll be in a gale soon, but don't you mind, you and me will go in the cabin for fine dance.

(Bob enters during this speech)

Bob

Pardon me, but if anyone is dancing with my wife, it is myself.

Capt.

Ye'll dance fine, but not with your wife.

(Eight bells sound)

There ye go, my hearty, Did ye hear that?

Bob

That clock's wrong.....it's after eight.

Capt.

It's eight bells...and eight bells is the time ye told 'em you always went on watch...so keep your word.

Bob

Couldn't you wait just one more little bell?

Capt.

No, sir. You picked your time, and ye picked a good night for it....so go to it.

Hazel

Can't he wait a while, Capt. It's going to be very nasty.

Bob

Narsty weather is my delight, my girl. I'd run her nose into the teeth of the hungriest gale that ever bit a bite.

Capt.

No more talk, damn ye. Up with ye. To your watch.

Bob

Farewell, Hazel. I've got to bring my good ship to port on Main Street, Albany before the morning church bells cheeime. Good-bye lass...duty calls....I obey.

(Goes up stairs as music starts for...)

FINALE.

Act 3

The Garden

(As curtain rises, kiddies trundle hoops on stage. Then Loretta, followed by Nurse)

Nurse

Children, you can't run in other people's gardens like this.

Loretta

Yes we can. We're wise kids. We know our way about.

Nurse

but it's time for your music lesson.

(All kids exclaim scornfully "o-o-oh")

Loretta

I'm sick and tired of that old-fashioned opretta music....ta-ta-ti-tata-

(All kids laugh)

Nurse

I shall go and tell your mother, Miss Loretta.

(Going to gate)

Kiddies

Oh, she's going to tell your mother.

(All kids run out their tongues at Nurse)

Loretta

Go tell her, you old tattle-tale. Tell her I want Jazz...opera's too damned old-fashioned.

Kiddies

That's what we want. Jazza-ti-jazz-jazz.

Into number:

(From gate L., over to R. of table)

Mrs. DeCosta

Florence, you tell me about this Capt. White.

Florence

(From house L. basket in hand)

I can't every time I speak about it Dora grows hysterical.

(From gate L. following Mrs. DeCosta on)

Dora

Oh, mother, I can listen to him for hours and not understand half he is saying. Oh, here's Mr. Black.

Bob

May I come in?

All

Indeed, yes. It's Mr. Black. Come right in, etc.

Bob

How are you, Mrs. DeCosta? How do you do? I missed you getting off the boat.

Dora

We disembarked early.

Bob

It was a wild night on the river.

Dora

We had a very joly dance in the saloon. Where were you?

Bob

In my stateroom. It was a dirty night.

(He takes out his watch and is comparing Hazel's picture and Dora)

Mrs. DeC.

Oh, Robert...you don't mind if I call you Robert?

Bob

I wish you would if anything could make me feel more at home, it would be your calling me Robert.

Mrs. DeC.

And I want you to feel at home. Just as thought I was your mother,

Florence

And I were your sister.

Bob

Thank you. That is sweet of you.

Dora

And don't forget me. I'll be your sister, too.

Bob

Well, I...Oh, I forgot to show you what I plucked. I mean bought. I told you some day I would make a salad dressing for you, before my salad days are over.

Mrs. DeC.

MY husband used to like to busy himself that way, too.

Bob

I do enjoy it. At home I never get a chance.

Dora

At home? What do you call at home?

Bob

I haven't one. I mean I never get a chance.

Dora

Oh, that's why.

Bob

Sort of a boyhood ambition fulfilled. Let's get ahead with it. See the joke. Lettuce...get a head...with it....good. Now I want to do this myself. If I could have a knife.

Florence

I'll get you one.

Bob

And I'll need something to put the cutting in.

Mrs. DeC.

To be sure.

(She goes into house. Re-enter Florence)

Bob

And now if I had something to put around me.

Dora

Yes, you want something to put around you to - an apron - I'll get you one.

(She exits. By this time Florence has returned.)

Florence

Here's the knife. It isn't very sharp.

Bob

No, it isn't. You haven't a stone?

Florence

There's one somewhere. I'll see

(She exits. Mrs. DeC. enters)

Mrs. DeC.

How is this, Robert?

Bob

Fine. Now if I had some thing to put the lettuce in.

(Dora comes in)

Mrs. DeC.

Of course, I have just what you want.

Dora

I couldn't find an apron. See if this is all right.

(Tries it on. Tea cloth)

Bob

That's just right.

Florence

(From kitchen)

Here's a sharper knife.

Bob

I think this will do.

Mrs. DeC.

(Enters with bowl)

Is this one large enough?

Bob

Quite. Now if i had just a little water in that.

Dora

Certainly. You are going to fix the dressing, aren't you?

Bob

Yes. I'm going to do this whole thing myself. Why?

Dora

Nothing. Only if it's as easy making the dressing as it is preparing the lettuce I'd like to do it.

(Exit into Kitchen)

Mrs. DeC.

Never mind her, Bob. It's fun to see you enjoy yourself. Now Florence and I will see that everything else is ready for you.

Florence

Have you got everything you want?

Bob

Everything I want? I wish I could have it like this always.

Mrs. DeC.

Well, faint heart you know!

(Exits. Bob is left for Panto. scene, which will be worked out. After cue, Bob takes up dishes, etc., and is about to exit. As he does so Dora and Polly enter. Polly with clothes basket)

Dora

Here is the bowl of water.

Bob

Thank you. I think I can do it better in the house.

Dora

No, let Polly take that. Here is something that you can help me with in return for my assistance.

Bob

What is it?

Dora

I want to check up the laundry. You take this pencil and paper. You see we want to make you feel very much at home.

(Laundry duet)

(Enter Polly with Captain)

Polly

I'll tell Miss Dora right away sir.

Captain

Thank you.

(Bob enters)

Bob

Hello, what are you doing here?

Captain

That's a fine thing for you to ask. I'm wondering what you'd answer if your wife asked the same question.

Bob

You needn't concern yourself about that at all. I'll be responsible for my actions.

Capt.

I'm wonderin if you are. You're not looking any too class A, this morning.

Bob

How could I after last night. You ought to have a shock absorbers put on that scow you command.

Capt.

See here, before Miss Dora comes I want to give you a little warning. I don't want you coming here any more.

Bob

Oh, you've fallen for the young lady yourself have you?

Capt.

I refuse to answer that I consider an impertinent question. Just sheer off...or I'll tell her your real name...Mr. Black. (They exit) (Barbara and Freddie make entrance over wall left)

Freddie

It's all right. There is no one here now. Come up.

Barbara

The table is spread for luncheon.

Freddie

Come down.

Barbara

Do you think it is safe?

Freddie

Certainly. Brace up and act like a regular detective.

Barbara

I don't think I'd like to be a regular detective snooping around people's premises.

Freddie

That's what I get for taking a Nestle's Food Kid out on a regular grown up job.

(Dora and Bob in window)

Barbara

Look, there she is. It is that girl. The one on the boat in Bob's watch.

Freddie

I told you so.

Barbara

But I think it's disgraceful, Freddie. I never thought Bob could be guilty of such poor tast. She isn't half as attractive as Hazel.

Freddie

She's a peach.

Barbara

You're as bad as Bob, raving about that girl again.

Freddie

You must admit she's very good-looking.

Barbara

How do you know....you said you'd never look at another girl.

Freddie

I said....AFTER we married.

Barbara

Go along and look at as many as you like. I guess I could get someone to notice me if I tried very hard.

Freddie

Come on. We'll go and tell Hazel.

Barbara

No. YOU go and tell her. I prefer to be by myself.

Freddie

Just as you say.

(Goes out gate)

Barbara

He's gone.

(She starts toward gate. 1st man look over wall)

1st Man

Are you looking for someone?

Barbara

No one in particular.

2nd Man

(Steps from gate)

Then wouldn't I do?

Barbara

What are you doing here?

3rd Man

(Enters gate, followed by others)

We knew you were here, so we just hing around.

Barbara

Hm. I sort of like to have you hang around.

Into song: "Hearts For Sale."

(Exit) (Boys)

(Enter Mrs. DeC. Capt. Florence, Dora.)

Florence

Here we are, mother.

Mrs. DeC.

Are you all starving?

Capt.

Long waitin' makes good appetite.

(At gate Polly opens it. Hazel enters followed by Mrs. Maxim, Freddie and Barbara)

Dora

Who are these people?

Hazel

Sorry to disturb your luncheon but my business is urgent.

Mrs. DeC.

What is it?

Hazel

There's no use wasting time. I know my husband is here.

Mrs. DeC. and Florence

Your husband?

Dora

We have nobody's husband here.

Barbara

Oh, yes you have. I saw him talking to you in that window not ten minutes ago.

Dora

It was Bob.

Barbara

Certainly it was Bon. I guess I know my own brother-in-law.

Dora

Is he your brother-in-law?

Barbara

He is.

Mrs. Maxim

And my son-in-law.

Freddie

And my friend.

Hazel

And MY husband.

Mrs. DeC.

Is this really true?

Hazel

The Captain knows it.

Mrs. DeC.

Has Mr. Black decieved us?

Capt.

The young man, Black or White, who is making the salad, is this lady's husband.

Hazel

The salad. Great Heavens. Did I marry a chef.

Mrs. DeC.

We're waiting for him now.

Hazel

I'll tell you what we'll do.

Everybody

What?

Hazel

You all sit down to luncheon just as tho nothing had happened. Now you remain where you are until I come back.

(Exits, gate)

Dora

Here he comes. Sit down Bobby....in your old place.

(Bob enters. All sit, begin to eat)

Capt.

Are ye hungry, Mr. Black?

Bob

I should say so.

Freddie

(Putting head over wall)

Bob White. Bob White.

(Bob nearly chokes)

Capt.

What's the matter? Some thing gone the wrong way?

Bob

I thought I heard....no, it's nothing.

Freddie

Bob White...Bob White.

(Bob picks up water bottle, listens with horror, pouring water in Mrs. DeC. plate)

Mrs. DeC.

Mr. Black.

Bob

I beg your pardon. Did you hear anything?

Dora

Hear anything?

Bob

Some queer sort of bird.

Mrs. DeC.

Oh, no. We never keep birds here on account of the cat.

Bob

I'll get the salad.

(He goes. Enter Hazel from house with Mrs. Maxim and Barbara. Freddie from gate) (Mrs. DeC. and Capt. go into arbor. Hazel sits in Dora's place. Mrs. Maxim in Mrs. DeCosta's. Freddie in Capt's. Barbara in Florence's. Bob enters. They all eat)

Here you are. Salad a la Ritz...Plaza!

(Serves plate)

Mrs. Maxim

Thank you.

(At the sound of her voice Bon looks at her in horror, sees Hazel. They all eat, paying no attention to him)

Bob

What are you doing here?

Hazel

Eating our luncheon, of course, dear.

Bob

Who's in the kitchen?

Hazel

Why the maid, I suppose.

Bob

Polly, or Minnie?

Hazel

Bob, we never had a maid named Polly.

Bob

No. I thought not.

Mrs. Maxim

Poor boy.

(Bob goes into house. the DeC's. return)

Hazel

Now are you satisfied that he is my husband?

Dora

I'm only too glad he is.

Mrs. Maxim

This will teach him a lesson.

(They go into arbor and DeC's. seat themselves. Bob comes back with Polly)

Bob

No one is in the kitchen but Polly. There, do you see?

Dora

Do I see what?

Capt.

Can't you sit still a minute?

Bob

Can't YOU sit still?

Capt.

Why, I haven't moved since we started luncheon.

Mrs. DeC.

I'm afraid you're not well.

Bob

A light headache, that's all.

Dora

Try and eat something.

Bob

No, I think I'll have a drink. If you don't mind my asking a foolish question. Have you left your chair since we first sat down?

Dora

Where should I go? I'm not so nervous as you.

Bob

I must be seeing things.

(Mrs. Maxim enters)

Mrs. Maxim

You wretch.

Bob

Mother-in-law.

Dora

So it's true?

Bob

Let me explain.

Mrs. DeC.

Explain to your wife.

Bob

Hazel.

Hazel

I beg your pardon. Is this the Capt. of the Night Boat to Albany?

Bob

Sunk.

Capt.

Don't be too hard on the lad. He was just going to quit it all. He told me so.

Bob

That's the truth, Hazel. I promise to be good. Take me home.

Mrs. Maxim

Let's wait and go on the Night Boat.

(Into Finale)

The End

Table of Contents

MUSICAL NUMBERS IN ACT I.

ACT I.

ACT II The Boat

Act 3 The Garden