THE NIGHT BOAT
MUSICAL NUMBERS IN ACT I.
1. A MAN TO MATCH MY CAR...Miss Groody & Ensemble.
2. WHOSE BABY ARE YOU...Miss Groody & Mr. Skelly.
3. LEFT ALL ALONE AGAIN (Blues)...Miss Hoban & Ensemble
4. GOOD NIGHT BOAT...Mr. Hazzard, Miss Hoban, Miss Groody, Mr. Skelly, Miss Lewis & Ensemble.
5. DUET BOB WHITE...Mr. Hazzard & Miss Hoban
6. I'D LIKE A LIGHTHOUSE...Miss Groody & Mr. Skelly
7. FINALE.
ACT I.
At rise of curtain, WORKMAN on ladder, MINNIE holding picture of MRS. MAXIM.
Workman
There! I guess that's allright- by the way, who is she?
Minnie
Mrs. Maxim - the Boss's boss - I mean his mother-in-law.
Workman
(Laughing)
You had it right the first time, I'll bet.
Minnie
And maybe Captain White won't be angry, when he sees her up there watching him - as usual.
Workman
The old gal has a snappy eye!
Minnie
Yes, you bet she has - and it's always on the Captain. The Lord deliver me from such a mother-in-law! Her name should have been Wilhelmina Pinkerton.
(MRS. MAXIM sings outside)
Sh! here she is.
(Enter MRS. MAXIM, singing)
Mrs. Maxim
(Sees Minnie and stops short, from L.2.)
Merciful Heavens! Is that man still here? He should be done by now -
Workman
I have only two hands, mam.
Mrs. Maxim
So has a clock, but it keeps right on going.
Minnie
It's a perfectly lovely picture.
Mrs. Maxim
It is fine, isn't it?
(She turns to library door)
Quickly, Minnie -- Out! OUT!
(Catches herself)
Mercy, I'm comencing to talk like Lady Macbeth.
(Minnie exits to Library L.)
(Mrs. Maxim starts R.2.)
(As music starts for Barbara's entrance)
(BARBARA, MEN and GIRLS enter.)
Mrs. Maxim
Hello, dearie -
SONG - BARBARA & ENSEMBLE
"SOME FINE DAY"
When up to town I go commuting,
Traveling on a local train,
I've many friends, there's no disputing,
Fetching along my plaguing parcels
Seeing that none has been missed.
Some fine day I'm going shopping,
In each smart place that I know,
Tiffany's, Altman's, Best's and Giddings -
I've a hunch on-
Going to buy myself a new trousseau
Some fine day I shall be popping
In the best costume in town -
First I will buy the veil and flowers,
Then I will hunt for hours and hours
To find a man to match my car.
2nd Chorus
Some Fine day I shall go shopping
Up and down Fifth Avenue
Dresses from Hickson, Lord and Taylor
Hats from Topper, (make you happy)
Lace from Lucille to grace an ingenue-
In a trim limousine flopping,
One that shows just what you are
First I will try the gas and motor
Get a chow to match my coat or
Find a man to match my car.
(Barbara finishes number R. near settee. Finish on stage. Men exit C.)
Mrs. Maxim
She's been in the garden - under the weeping willow - for hours!
(Sits above table, gets cards)
Barbara
(Going to mother's side)
Hazel doesn't seem so happy as she used to be - she seems worried.
Mrs. Maxim
She has every reason to worry.
(Deals cards)
Now let me see what the cards have to tell about her precious husband.
Barbara
Mother, may I say something.
(Arms around her neck)
Mrs. Maxim
Anything you like, one - two - three - four - five - six -
(Dealing cards)
Barbara
Since I came home from vacation I've noticed that you sort of pick on Bob!
Mrs. Maxim
I certainly do
! He treats your sister shamefully.
Barbara
He doesn't mother, he loves Hazel and they'd be perfectly happy if -- you --
(Looks significantly at Mrs. Maxim)
Mrs. Maxim
(Arranging cards)
Married people are never happy - they're just resigned -
(Turns card - slaps it on table)
There's your precious brother-in-law!
Mrs. Maxim
In the cards -
(Tapping card viciously)
He's coming out ten times in succession -- and always after a blonde queen!
Barbara
Poor old Bob doesn't know any blonde queen!
Mrs. Maxim
Do you think these cards would lie to me - look at yourself - there she is!
Barbara
If a blonde queen ever looked at Bob he'd pass away. Mother, you make laugh.
(Barbara laughs)
Mrs. Maxim
You may laugh, but Bob's behaviour is serious - it won't matter to me if your sister is dragged through the courts - indeed a divorce makes a family rather distinguished.
(Enter HAZEL R. C. She catches last sentence)
Hazel
Sounds like scandal - Who's getting themselves separated now?
Hazel
I thought I caught the word "divorce".
Barbara
Mother was just telling a funny story - weren't you, Mother?
(Pokes mother then down stage L. to Bench - sits)
Mrs. Maxim
(Seated above table)
You needn't nudge me - I was talking about your divorcing Bob.
Hazel
(R. Xes L. to big chair, sits)
I haven't the slightest reason for a divorce - I don't want a divorce -- I wouldn't be without a husband for anything in the world -- a husband is as necessary to a home as a teawagon.
(Sits on chair L. near table, at end of speech)
Mrs. Maxim
Ha! what you do
expect -- what you don't
expect -- a stranger - to your home.
Barbara
Maybe Bob's bringing a friend to dine.
Mrs. Maxim
If Bob were dining with a friend it wouldn't be at home
-
(Turns cards)
Aha!
Hazel
(Rises, goes to C.)
Mother! Don't "Aha" like that --
Barbara
If Bob is
away, it's business that keeps him.
Hazel
(To Barbara)
Bob needn't work at all, but Mother fussed at him until he went into business to get away from her scolding!
Mrs. Maxim
And a fine business it is -
Hazel
(Indignant: crosses to C.)
It is
a fine business, and I'm very proud of Bob. -- a man must have some nerve to be Captain of the Night Boat to Albany.
Barbara
(Seated L. front of table)
You bet he has!
Mrs. Maxim
The Night Boat is no place for a married man -- where women undress and go to bed and everything.
Hazel
(C.)
You wouldn't have them go to bed in their clothes, would you?
Mrs. Maxim
Indecent employment, I call it -- and how Robert has changed!
Mrs. Maxim
He is sullen all week, but when the time comes for him to go on the boat - he's as happy as a boy going after a lollypop.
(Putting cards in box - looks about for some place to hide them)
Hazel
Mother -- I wish you'd stop naggin' Bob, you make him so irritable, he quarrels with me.
Barbara
(Shocked)
Hazel! Do you quarrel with your husband?
(Rises. Goes to C.)
Hazel
You poor baby -- every woman quarrels with her husband - it's like having your eye-brows pulled -- it hurts but it's smoother after.
(To fireplace)
Barbara
(Romantic and superior)
I don't see why people who are so fond of each other should ever quarrel -- I positively can't understand it - poor old Bob!
Mrs. Maxim
I'll hide my cards in the drawer so Robert won't throw them out to spite me.
Hazel
Why do you always find fault with Bob?
Mrs. Maxim
Well, I guess I know when I'm abused -- I have eyes -- I have ears!
Hazel
Bob never abused you, Mother!
Barbara
Hazel - mother - what's the matter with you both -- this is terrible!
(The last three speeches are spoken simultaneously the three women growing louder and more excited, until FREDDIE suddenly enters from hall R.2.)
Freddie
Good afternoon.
(All stop short - turn - and look at him savagely)
I beg pardon - I was just passing and thought I'd stop in - It was false step - so I'll pass right out again -- Good afternoon.
(Exits to hall R.2.)
Barbara
(Runs after him to hall)
Freddie - don't go!
(Exits R.2.)
Hazel
You see! You've driven my husband out of his house, and now you've driven his chum away!
Mrs. Maxim
Robert seems happiest when he closes the front door from the outside!
Hazel
Of course! He knows what he leaves behind
!
Mrs. Maxim
(Going to library door L.)
I'm not so far
behind as he thinks, and when I do catch up with Captain Bob White you'll find that the boat that is supposed to go to Albany goes to --
(Exits L.2. As she is speaking BARBARA appears in door from hall, holding Freddies hand - just in time to hear end of speech)
(Mrs. Maxim exits)
Freddie
(Amazed)
Did she tell me to go to - hell?
Barbara
(Interrupting indignantly)
She did not
!
Freddie
I think she did
!
Barbara
(Angrily)
I say she did not
!
Hazel
(Imitating Barbara's former speech)
I don't see why people who are fond of each other should ever quarrel -
(Moves to L.2. - then exits)
Freddie
Is she shooting me -- or is she sympathetic?
(Crosses to Barbara)
Barbara
It's hard to say --
(She giggles)
Ain't our family got awful
tempers!
Freddie
Well, you're all there with the high speed!
Barbara
(Close to him - looking up at him)
Ain't you 'fraid of us?
Freddie
Not of your Mother -- or your sister!
Freddie
(Decidedly)
Yes
- ma'am
!
Barbara
Freddie - what do you mean?
Freddie
I can bluff the biggest man in the world - I can go further on hot air than any locomotive in the N. Y. Central! I'm not afraid of Senators, Secret-Service men, or Bolsheviks, but when I stack up alongside your three feet six -- I'm buffaloed!
Barbara
You poor boy! I wouldn't hurt you - what makes you 'fraid of me!
Freddie
I ask you - why, I can hardly see you way down there - you're a baby!
Barbara
Babies always have to have their own way?
Freddie
Don't I know it!
"WHOSE BABY ARE YOU!"
Barbara & Freddie
Just like the Woolworth Building you may be,
What a catastrophe.
If you should fall on me - little me -
Tho way up in the sky above me there -
What do I care -
Tho dignified you may be,
Still at heart you're just a baby.
Whose baby are you, dear,
Whose baby are you?
Whose baby boy
Who's his mamma's joy
Who'll own your smile
When you walk down the aisle with her,
Who'll you give the ring to
Who'll swear to be true blue
Who has bought a little book
And pumpkin pie will learn to cook
Whose lovely love -- who's honey bug
Who's baby are you?
(Exit on Finish R.2.)
(After number, MINNIE enters from Dining-room, R.3.)
Mrs. Maxim
(From L.2.)
Minnie, there's a strange man at the door; see who it is.
Minnie
(From L.3.)
Yes, Ma'am.
(She exits R.2.)
(Mrs. Maxim sits on Banquette L. looking at a magazine humming)
Minnie
(From R.2.)
It's Mr. Dempsey, mam, to see Capt. White ---
Mrs. Maxim
Mr. Dempsey? Mr. Dempsey? It don't know any Mr. Dempsey.
Minnie
He says he is from the office, mam.
Mrs. Maxim
Oh Minnie I'll see him - show him in.
(Minnie exits R.2.)
Minnie
(From R.2. Announcing)
Mr. Dempsey
(DEMPSEY enters R.2.)
Inspector
Inspector
Dempsey of the Night Boat Line.
Mrs. Maxim
Aren't you the gentleman who talked with me over the phone?
Inspector
I'm him
-- I thought I knew your voice.
Mrs. Maxim
(Coquettishly)
Strange - the power of the human voice - isn't it?
Inspector
Yes, and you've got one of those voices a man could never forget.
Mrs. Maxim
Oh, Inspector.
Inspector
It's an indestructible voice -- change your needle lady, you're scratching.
(Mrs. Maxim laughs gaily - then looks over her shoulder, after laugh)
Mrs. Maxim
Yes - I just called up -
Inspector
In the nick o' time -- I'm new on this job, and your giving me the Captain's address saved me huntin' it up when they sent me to see the Captain.
Mrs. Maxim
He's not here!
Inspector
Can I see his wife?
Mrs. Maxim
I'll call her.
(Goes to library door and calls)
Hazel!
(From off stage L.)
Mrs. Maxim
(Comes down)
Please don't mention the phone - you understand?
Inspector
Not a woid - I'll keep your secret!
(Enter HAZEL L.2. Library)
Hazel
What is it, Mother?
Mrs. Maxim
(To Hazel)
This is - Mr. Dempsey --
Inspector
Inspector Dempsey!
Mrs. Maxim
Oh yes! from Robert's office, Mr. Dempsey - this is -
Mrs. Maxim
Inspector, my daugher Mrs. White.
(Hazel bows)
Inspector
Mrs. White, you're the wife of the bravest Captain on the Night Boat line.
Inspector
Lady, I want to tell you that your husband deserves a room and bath in the Hall o'fame for what he done last night.
Inspector
His name is on every chin in New York - nobody's talking of nothin' but the big rescue.
Hazel
Why, we've heard nothing about it!
Inspector
What d'ye know about that! Guess he was afraid you'd get noivous
!
Hazel
You don't mean that my Bob was really in danger
!
Inspector
(As if making a speech)
Why people, I tell you that the name of Captain Robert White will go down in history - as -
Mrs. Maxim
Oh, stop talking and tell us about it!
Inspector
No mam
! He's savin' the story till he gets home to his little wife -- Let him
tell it!
Inspector
Then send for the afternoon papers.
(Mrs. Maxim rings bell cord)
Hazel
Oh, I'm so excited! dear old Bob!
(MINNIE appears at library door)
Mrs. Maxim
Get all the afternoon, papers, immediately.
(Minnie exits R.2.)
Hazel
I'm so proud of him.
Inspector
The company is just as proud - and they sent me to tell the Captain that as a reward for this bravery, they're going to give him five thousand dollars!
Hazel
How wonderful! Oh, you darling little man - I'd like to hug you, you beautiful bald-haired angel!
Inspector
You save that hug for the Captain.
(Going)
This little angel has to be flying away.
Hazel
(Shaking his hand)
I don't know how to thank you!
Inspector
Don't mention it!
(Goes a step and starts to put hat on)
Hazel
(Shaking his hand again)
I think it's the sweetest thing of the company to do that - you tell them for me.
Inspector
I'll tell 'em!.
(Same business with hat)
Hazel
(Shaking hand)
You've made me so happy, I can never forget you!
(Same business)
Hazel
Goodbye, Mr. Dempsey - goodbye.
(He exits R.1.)
Isn't it wonderful -- Oh I'm so happy.
(Shakes hands with Mrs. Maxim abstractedly)
Mrs. Maxim
I am
surprised.
Hazel
(Playfully)
And now aren't you sorry - you bad mamma -- that you were so suspicious of our glorious hero?
(Following Mrs. Maxim's line)
Mrs. Maxim
I can tell better when I see the papers!
(Up and sit in chair near table L.)
Hazel
Oh, Mother, why will you be so pessimistic!
(Mrs. Maxim rises, goes L.)
It makes me so suspicious. I've made up my mind I'm going to make Bob a good husband just to show you.
Mrs. Maxim
You can't make a good omelette out of a bad egg -
(Exits L.2.)
(Hazel sits front of table.)
(Into SONG. HAZEL AND GIRLS.)
"LEFT ALL ALONE AGAIN BLUES"
I have the blues,
Every time my hubby leaves me I have the blues
Because it peeves me to be left here flat here
Just like a bump on a log.
I said on a log
No woman knows
If she has a travelin husband just where he goes
Unless she follow on and nails him, trails him
Just like a faithful old dog
That old song "Where has my Highland laddie gone"
It says a mouthful
We never do know just where they do go
How they keep us guessing
Isn't it distressing
I have the blues
When my hubby leaves, although I wouldn't accuse
Each time he says "goodbye"
I get those same old left all alone again blues.
2nd Verse
I have the blues
Ever since he married me, I sure have the blues.
Because I used to have a good time, all time,
Every time I might roam - I said when I'd roam
When first we met
We could render a duet
But now Hubby sings "I won't go home till morning"
Every one short stanza of "Home Sweet Home"
I like cats - I'm fond of rabbits
I like dogs - and even gold fish
It's lucky maybe
For there's a baby
Grand piano coming
Then I'll start ahumming
I have the blues,
Only Hubby dear can cure my terrible blues
Each time he says goodbye
I get those dog-gone left all alone blues.
(At the end of Hazel's song all on stage -- Minnie appears at door from hall, with papers)
Minnie
Here are the papers, mam!
(All gather around him and get papers - chattering Barbara and Freddie enter - get papers)
Hazel
Give one to me, Jackson!
Freddie
(Opening paper)
Now we'll find out what Bob really did
-- here it is! "Fearful Collision between Two Night Boats on the Hudson River"!
All
A collision! How dreadful!
Barbara
(Reading from paper)
"Captain Robert White exonerated from all blame."
Mrs. Maxim
(Reading)
"Big hole stove in boat's bow."
All
"Wonder she didn't sink" -- etc.
Hazel
(Topping all in dramatic tone)
"Heroic action of Captain White saves seventy lives."
Hazel
He's
wonderful
! I always knew it -- my dear old Bob --
my
hero
!
Minnie
(At door)
Here's the master himself - just getting out of the taxi!
Hazel
(Like a cheer leader)
Now then -- all together - let her go -- rah-rah-rah!
(As all cheer vociferously BOB WHITE enters)
Hazel
Bob darling, I'm proud of you!
(Kisses him)
Freddie
Three cheers for Bob White!
(The cheers are given while Bob look amazed-as soon as they are over he turns and is walking off stage when Hazel stops him)
Hazel
Where are you going?
Bob
Out! I'm in the wrong house!
Hazel
Don't be silly! Come back here! You deserve those cheers -- we should have a medal for you really! Kiss Mother!
Hazel
I think you should.
Bob
No, you keep the medal!
Mrs. Maxim
Embrace me Robert -
(Bob goes to her and she kisses him)
Bob
Now I don't have to do that again. Now what are all the cheers for! Because I came home!
Barbara
You're too modest, Bob! We've found you out!
Mrs. Maxim
Tell us about it!
Mrs. Maxim
Your bravery on the night boat!
Bob
How dare you accuse me of such a thing?
Bob
Oh, I thought you said knavery - oh that little -- poof!
Freddie
Did you really do it?
All
Oh, for shame - Mr. Ives -- etc.
Bob
Who told you about this matter -- this - matter!
Mrs. Maxim
Why it's in all the papers!
Bob
Really? Let me see it!
Hazel
No, we'd rather have t from your own lips!
Bob
Well I'd rather say nothing about it. In fact the company rather insists that their employees do not talk about such things.
Barbara
But the papers say the company exonerates you from any blame for the collision.
Bob
You, are speaking of the collision -- yes, they were rather fair minded about it. It wasn't much anyway -- a mere bump!
Hazel
Why the paper say there was a big hoe stove in her bows!
Bob
A fair-sized hole - yes - on her port side!
(All give little exclamations of "is that so" - or Dear dear" etc.)
Freddie
Which is the port side?
Bob
(Glaring at him)
That side --
(In pantomime pushes hand out in anything but intelligent manner)
Freddie
I always thought it was this side!
(Pulls hand in contrary to Bob's)
Bob
Well, it is that side --
(Using Freddie's gesture)
-- going out! But it is that side -
(Using own gesture)
coming in. And we were coming in!
Hazel
The paper says you were on your way up the River, Bob!
Bob
We were, but you didn't let me finish dear heart. I was about to say we were coming into bad weather and I had turned the boat back thinking ti would be better to put back to port and wait for the blow to be over when the blow hit us which wasn't the one I was looking for, and there you are -- you see!
Mrs. Maxim
It was the other ship's fault!
Bob
Oh, absolutely -- The moment I started to turn I held my hand out!
Hazel
What did you do after you were hit?
Bob
What does the paper say?
Freddie
We would rather have your version!
Bob
Well, of course, while the papers say I acted cool, and collected, I don't mind telling you I was rather nervous and I don't recall exactly -- my mind was so full of duties that were expected of me. I remember turning to the ship's carpenter and telling him to go below and see what damage was done. Then, of course, I told the mate to try and get the other ship's number.
Bob
Well you know what I mean -- name!
Bob
Oh, well - I -- hate to talk about myself -- besides -- I'm sort of shaken up.
Hazel
The poor boy is nervous --
(Makes sign to others)
Now don't talk and more about the accident -- just tell us something about your ship.
Bob
She sure is a good old boat!
SONG: GOODNIGHT BOAT
Bob and Hazel
(On encoure of Bob's song only girls come back with him -- principals off. After Bob's song enter FREDDIE and BARBARA- Freddie has hat in hand)
Barbara
Isn't Bob perfectly splendid!
Freddie
He's the best I ever heard.
Barbara
Bob and I have been plas ever since he used to bribe me with a pound of chocolates to leave him alone with Hazel.
Freddie
I'll bet he'd give your mother a ton of chocolates.
Barbara
Mother doesn't mean to be mean.
Freddie
Oh, mercy me. She's as harmless as a little package of T.N.T.
Barbara
You see, neither mother or Hazel understand men.
Barbara
No, and they won't take a word of advice from one who knows.
Freddie
(Pulling her curl)
Has the "one who knows" a little curl like this?
Barbara
Married women are so silly. No man can run at honeymoon speed all the time.
Freddie
I've heard 'em say so.
Barbara
And married men are so foolish when they tire of home they neer think that the door that lets them out may let another fellow in.
Freddie
That's good. "The door that let's them out"...
(Takes out note book)
Freddie
I'm compiling a little book..."Dont's for Married Men."
Barbara
Great. I'll write "Dues for Married Women". That covers everything from milliners bills to alimony.
Freddie
Some brains under that squiggly curl.
Barbara
I'm going to talk to Bob and give him some good advice.
Freddie
He needs it. If this rescue business doesn't cure him.
Barbara
Cure him...of what?
Freddie
Why...cure him...of those slippery nights on the Hudson.
(Enter Bob gaily)
Bob
Gee whiz, the place seems nice today. Hazel is fine and mother is jolly.
Freddie
You're there with the jolly yourself...say...that was SOME story.
Bob
Nobody knows how good a story but the author. Where's that paper?
Barbara
Freddie...did you say you left your hat on the veranda?
Freddie
No...but I will leave it there.
(Exit)
Bob
(Finds paper)
Here it is.
Barbara
Bobbie, dear, I want to talk to you.
Bob
Fire away, little sister.
Barbara
Bobbie, don't read. This is serious.
Bob
You bet it's serious.
Barbara
I don't think you and Hazel properly understand the exigencies of married life. After the post nuptial rapture has worn off the husband generally subsides into a semi-comatic state of apathy. I know what you're going to say "Why run after the car when you've caught it?"
Bob
No...I was going to say..."Where in hell do you get your ideas."
Bob
You said it. Do you talk like this to Freddie?
Barbara
He's not in the family. I believe the family should stand together.
Bob
Your mother couldn't stand together.
Barbara
She stands with Hazel, and I stand with YOU.
Bob
You're a dear little pal....
Freddie
(From balcony)
I found my hat. Shall I lose it again?
Barbara
Just a minute.
(To Bob)
I'm going to send Hazel here and when she comes in you just kiss and be friends.
Bob
My wife and I are friendly sometimes.
Barbara
I'm going to help you change "sometimes" to "always." Bobbie, dear.
(Exits. Freddie watches her)
Freddie
She's a wonderful kid.
Bob
If you get her you get the cream off the family jar. I got the family jar.
Freddie
I hope I get her.
Bob
But be warned. Don't ask mother visit.
Freddie
(Writing in book)
That's a good one..."Don't ask mother".
Bob
Since she camped on me my home isn't my own; my wife isn't my own, darn it, my mind isn't my own...my nerves are all shot to pieces....look at that.
(Holds out hand. It trembles)
Freddie
Just like Bee Palmer.
Bob
I'm all unstrung. Pretty soon I'll be doing this....
(Tries to catch fingers)
Freddie
I don't like to worry you, but you don't look well.
Bob
I'm NOT well. The doctor says it's all nerves. Have to be out in the air...wonder if ti's too late for golf....
(Looks at watch)
Can't be that time.
(Shakes watch, puts to ear. Freddie sees picture in watch)
Freddie
Aha, what girl is keeping time for you?
Bob
Oh, that's just a distant friend...I mean.....
Freddie
Is she blonde or brunette?
Freddie
This would be a great world if it wasn't for two things.
Freddie
Blondes and brunettes.
Bob
Aren't girls silly when they get crazy about you. She said she'd put this here so I could kiss her good-night.
(Enter Hazel)
Freddie
I'll bet you didn't kiss her good night last night. you were too busy with the collision.
Hazel
Didn't kiss who good night. Let me in the joke.
Bob
No joke, dear. We were talking about...about you.
Hazel
Of course, you couldn't kiss me good night, last night. You were too busy.
Bob
Yes. Last night was my busy night.
Freddie
If you husbands knew how tired we single men get of hearing how you love your wives...
Hazel
Did you say "wives"?
Freddie
I was speaking in the plural with a singular meaning.
Hazel
I was to tell you that a little girl is looking for your hat in the garden.
Freddie
I'll take it right out to her.
(Exit) (Bob picks up paper)
Hazel
Don't read about yourself, darling, you'll be too vain.
Bob
I want to see what t says.
Hazel
(Giving him coat she brought in)
I brought your house coat...that is so warm...dear, take it off.
Bob
That was very thoughtful of you.
Hazel
You'll be much cooler without your vest, dear.
(He removes coat and vest, puts on house coat)
Bob
Of course, it is, dear.
(She goes to library door. He grabs paper. She returns with his slippers, kneels before him)
Bob
Hazel, you make me feel.....Oh, if your mother would only go away and leave us alone.
Hazel
WAIT....when Barbara marries I shall insist upon her goin...fifty-fifty- with mother.
Bob
You know she positively nagged me into the Night Boat business.
Hazel
But see the glory it has brought you. The trouble with mother is this....I wouldn't marry the man she picked for me so now she picks on the man I married.
Minnie
(Entering)
There's a man who wants to see Capt. White about the Night Boat.
Hazel
It must be a reporter. Tell him to come in.
(Exit Minnie)
Bob
I can't see any reporters. I'm too nervous to be interviewed just now. You see him, Hazel, and if he asks about the collision, tell him what I told you,
Hazel
But you haven't told me anything.
Bob
You tell him the same.
(He exits, as Minnie enters)
Minnie
Will you come in, sir?
(Enter Captain, very angry now)
Capt.
Now trot out your Capt. White and give us a good look at him. And don't dwaddle, for I'm in no humor to be waitin' about.
(Exits Minnie)
Hazel
May I ask the cause of the great excitement?
Capt.
May I ask who you are?
Hazel
I am Mrs. White, the wife of Capt. White.
Capt.
D'ye mind tellin' me just WHAT Capt. White is YOUR Capt. White?
Hazel
Capt. Robert White of the Night Boat Line.
Capt.
Let me tell you that Capt. White of the Night Boat Line hasn't got a wife, never HAD a wife and the chances are never will have a wife.
Hazel
Why do you say that?
Capt.
Because I am Capt. Robert White.
Hazel
Oh, you must be mistaken. Don't you suppose I know WHAT MY husband IS?
Capt.
You may, but you don't know what he will be when I get through with him.
Hazel
It's all very simple. It's a coincidence...there must be two Capt. Whites.
Capt.
I tell ye I'm the only White man on the Line.
Hazel
Mother says my husband is fooling me.
Capt.
I guess mother's wise.
Hazel
I wonder if she could be. Oh, I can't bear to think that Bob has deceived me. Oh, do you think he'd deceive me?
Capt.
I don't know how he could. You're an awful nice little woman.
Hazel
I've made him a good wife.
Capt.
Too bad you couldn't make him a good husband.
Hazel
Maybe I could if I changed my method.
Capt.
Perhaps you're too sweet to him. A man tires of candy without flavor...we like peppermint and sassafrass.
Hazel
I think I'll hand Mr. Bob a little pep and sass for a change.
Capt.
How'll ye go about it?
Hazel
The very first time he goes again, I'll take a trip on the Night Boat myself.
Capt.
Come along. I'll prove to you that he's not on the boat.
Hazel
If he's not, I'll start something.
Capt.
Would you mind startin' in my direction?
Hazel
Captain, did any woman ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes.
Hazel
Well, you have wonderful eyes. They're so Scotch, and I love everything Scotch.
Hazel
Yes, indeed. I'm crazy about hop scotch....scotch oats....Oh, just everything Scotch.
Hazel
Now when my husband comes, don't let him know we've met.
Capt.
I won't, and I'm awful sorry I made ye feel bad.
Hazel
Oh, that's nothing...for....
Song: "I have The Blues"
(Exit to balcony) (Capt)
(Enter Barbara)
Barbara
Oh, Hazel, aren't these things we've been hearing about Bob terribly wonderful?
Hazel
Yes...they're wonderfully terrible....
(Abstractedly)
"You didn't kiss her goodnight last night"...that's what Freddie said....and THE WATCH!
(She rushes to chair, goes through pockets while Barbara watches her in surprise)
Barbara
Hazel, what on earth's the matter?
Hazel
(Opening watch)
Aha, and now we'll see what we shall see. Oh, look at that.
Barbara
Girl's picture. Oh, isn't she pretty?
Hazel
Could any girl look pretty in your husband's watch?
Barbara
Are you sure this is Bob's watch?
Hazel
The one I gave him....
(Reading)
"To dearest Bob from his loving Hazel"...."Loving Hazel". No wonder they named me for a nut.
Barbara
But how did the picture get there?
Hazel
She put it there so he could kiss her goodnight, but he couldn't kiss her goodnight last night because last night was the night of the collision....the collision.....that opens up another line of thought.
Barbara
What do you mean, Hazel?
Hazel
I see it all. There wasn't any collision. I mean...not for Bob. But just wait. Just wait until Capt. Robert White collides with me. His family will have some trouble keeping the seats in the first ten carriages out of the hands of the speculators.
(Exit. Freddie enters. She pushes him aside)
Freddie
Why the rough stuff?
Barbara
She's found a girl's picture in Bob's watch.
Freddie
So she landed him
Barbara
I can't figure Bob for that. A man should carry only his wife's picture in his watch.
Freddie
Let's put his wife's picture in.
(taking picture out of watch)
Barbara
I've got a picture of Hazel right here.
(takes picture from locket)
(gives it to Freddie who puts it in watch)
Do you think you can get the watch back in his pocket without his knowing it.
Freddie
The way he is now I could put his vest on without his knowing it.
Barbara
(holding out girls picture)
I suppose shes what men call attractive - Would you kiss a face like that?
(kisses her)
Barbara
Oh Freddie that's so trite. Can't you even think of something original to do so -
Freddie
All the original stunts have been pulled, no matter what a fellow says to a girl nowadays, its a sinch she's heard it before.
Barbara
Yes, and she knows the answer.
Song: "I'd Like a Lighthouse" Duet
(Barbara and Freddie exit R.1.)
(After Lighthouse number)
(Enter Minnie from L.1. followed by Bob)
Minnie
Mrs. White said he was in here sir. -
Bob
Did he say who it was?
Minnie
(To Captain who is on balcony)
If you'll step in sir, Captain White will see you!
(Enter CAPTAIN - Minnie exits - Captain glowers at Bob)
Captain
I do! And I'm thinking I want to see you more than you will want to see me before I am done with you!
Bob
What are you going to do with me?
Captain
I am undecided yet whether I ought to put you in jail or just give you a good scrunchin' --
(Towering over him)
Bob
I've just finished luncheon!
Captain
Go on -- have your jokes if you think they're funny, but I tell you there'll be lots of time for serious meditation before I am through with you, Mr. Robert White.
Bob
Captain Robert White!
Captain
(With great contempt)
Captain -- Impostor Robert White -- Do you know who I am?
Bob
I haven't the least idea!
Captain
I'm Captain Robert White. Captain Robert White of the Albany Night Boat, and if you think for a moment I'm going to let you get away with that five thousand dollars I earned by meritorious behavior in an unforseen circumstance you're mightily mistaken.
Bob
You're Captain Bob White!
Captain
I am, and if you don't believe me -- there's my card!
Bob
Oh well, of course, that convinces me --
(After a pause)
Has anyone in this house seen you yet?
Captain
No!
(Bob looks around and then after a pause brings foward a chair - sits down.)
I'm not thinkin' of compromising!
Bob
I'm not going to ask you to! Have a drink?
Captain
Oh, did ye ask "Will I?" -- I thought ye said "have ye"! Certainly!
Bob
We've got rye and bevo -- which will ye have!
Captain
Don't be ridiculous!
(Bob comes down with decanter and two glasses - pours.)
Captain
When --
(Bob stops)
I didn't think ye'd take me seriously!
(Bob takes a drink)
Captain
(Is about to drink - stops)
To whom!
(Gulps his drink - Bob starts to drink and when he sees the Captain finish - stops and places filled glass before the Captain, and takes Captain's empty, and refills it - this is repeated two or three times.)
Bob
Now, first let me assure you I don't want any part of your five thousand dollars -- I'd be willing to give you five thousand dollars if I could spare it to keep you quiet about this mix-up -- because that's all it is, is just a mix-up, and I'm sorry about the whole affair.
Captain
Well, will you please tell me why you told the people you were the Captain of the Albany Night Boat.
Bob
Well, for one thing, I didn't think there would be anyone on them with the same name. Secondly, I had to have an occupation which would take me away from town for a few days a week.
Captain
What do you call a few days?
Bob
Well, from Saturday to Monday!
Capatain
You just took one trip a week?
Bob
That's all -- just a week-end Captain!
Captain
How did you come to pick the Night Boat? Do you like the water?
Bob
I hate it! I can't take a trip across the Fort Lee Ferry without serious complications arising!
Captain
Then why didn't you make yourself a conductor or an engineer?
Bob
Because my mother-in-law doesn't like the water as much as I do -- and it's the one job I could think of where she couldn't follow me.
Captain
I see, and what makes you want to make this trip every week?
(Hesitates)
Captain
I think I can guess -- weemen --
Captain
That makes it more serious!
Bob
I know it. About three months ago on a trip to New York I met a young lady through a mutual acquaintance -- I called at her house on East 64th Street for dinner -- everything quite proper I assure you -- I made a great impression not only with the young lady but with the entire household.
Bob
Oh, I can be pleasant enough if I am treated right, and that was exactly how I fell for them. It had been so long since I had had a chance to tell a story to its finish, and what is more to get a laugh on it -- the novelty appealed me.
Captain
And you have been making trips to see her every week?
Bob
Well, I call to see all of them -- of course I will admit I might not do it if the young lady was not as beautiful as she is -- but -- I give you my word, it as much to have a quiet and pleasant Sunday as anything else. You have no idea what I am up against here at home.
Captain
And nobody in your house suspects it?
Bob
Well, of course, my mother-in-law suspects but there is no need to worry about that!
Bob
She'd do that anyway. That's her life -- suspecting and investigating -- in another woman it would be meddling -- with her it's investigating!
Captain
The young lady is pretty I think you said!
Captain
And what is the finish to be?
Bob
The finish is to be soon. The girl and her sister are going up to Albany on your boat to-night. I promised their mother I'd look after them on the trip, and I'm going to break the news that I"m going to break away.
Captain
(with sarcasm)
I suppose you think it'll break her heart!
Bob
She'll get over it -- she's such a kid! She seems very fond of me ---- that's what caught me -- the novelty of anyone admiring me.
Captain
(sternly)
Haven't ye a wife?
Bob
I have -- and
a mother-in-law -- and it's making me a nervous wreck, deceiving everybody this way -- Look at me ----
(Hand shakes)
-- I can't sleep, I can't eat, and everyone looks at me and seems to be saying "I'm on". No, I've got to give it up. Two more trips at most and I'll fire myself from the job on the Night Boat -- the little girl is going on your boat tonight with her sisters, and I'm going alone, too. Don't show me up, and you'll be my friend for life.
(Enter HAZEL - Captain looks at her as she crosses to table and takes up book)
Captain
(Gives hand to Bob)
It's a go --
Bob
God bless you, Captain!
Captain
A devilish pretty woman -- introduce me!
Bob
My wife -- Captain -- Captain --
Captain
Captain Robert Bruce!
Hazel
(Giving her hand)
Robert Bruce -- that names always reminds me of spiders - I hope you wouldn't weave your wicked web around a poor innocent little fly!
(Looks up at him)
Captain
I'm afraid this little fly is too fly to wander into any clumsy web that I could spin.
Hazel
Oh, Captain I know how fearfully fascinating your sailor spiders are!
Captain
It's easy seein' you like sailors when you choose one for your husband.
Hazel
Oh, I didn't marry him because he was a sailor --
Captain
(With a glance at Bob)
Did ye have any good reason?
Hazel
(Laughing)
Oh, Captain! I see you're there with the ripping repartee!
(Taps him on arms - during this Bob has been trying to get in the conversation but each time he approaches they turn away, and shut him out. FREDDIE enters and sees the situation.)
Bob
(Aside to Freddie)
I'm in an awful mess -- I want to get this fellow out of here!
Freddie
Tell 'em another -- say you're going on the boat tonight.
Bob
That's the truth -- tonight I am going
!
Freddie
(Loudly)
If you're going on your boat it's time to start!
(Hazel listening puts hand on Captain's arm - they exchange glances)
Bob
(Nervously)
Yes - yes - er - what time is it?
(Looking over at them)
Freddie
I haven't my watch - what does yours say?
(Palms Bob's watch as if taking it out of pocket)
Yes, you'll have to be going -- I'll ring for a taxi.
(Puts watch in Bob's pocket)
(Exits - Bob comes down - Hazel and Captain do not notice him.)
Bob
We'll have to be starting for town.
(The whisper and take no notice. He speaks louder)
I say -- we'll have to be starting for town.
(No notice)
Hazel -
(She turns)
On account of the collision, I'll have to go back on my boat - tonight ---
(She looks at him so steadily he weakens)
and -- we'll have to be starting for town.
Hazel
(With tragic voice)
Oh, Bob, how dreadful! -- The Captain and I are just getting acquainted.
(Turning back to Capt.)
Captain
Never fear I will drop in soon, to continue the acquaintance.
(They become engrossed in one another. Bob - looks at them disconsolately - then walks up stage as Freddie re-enters from hall)
Freddie
I phoned all
the taxi offices, so one
will be sure to come.
(Bob speaks to him softly so that Hazel has time for an aside to the Captain)
Hazel
He says he's going on the boat tonight --
Captain
(Softly)
Will ye come?
(Hazel nods - as Bob comes down - then speaks aloud)
Hazel
Do come and see me sometime when my husband is on his boat -- that's when I'm lonely.
Captain
(Lovingly)
Ye need never be lonely again!
Freddie
Never tell me the Scotch are not quick workers!
(Into FINALE)
ACT II
The Boat
At rise of curtain, Jug Band, dancing then Specialty....Steward. After Steward exit, enter Lady's Maid.
Betty
Terrible crowd on board this boat.
Susan
Ordinary I really must change places soon. I am so tired of these river trips.
Jane
My people don't seem to know there is an ocean.
Minnie
Ladys maids are never give the consideration they deserve. If we were to tell all we know.
Alice
Oh, Lord, if we ever did, half our people would be in jail.
Song: Ladies Maids.
Dance and exit. Steward Enters.
Steward
Ice cream cones. Ice cream cones.
(Mrs. Maxim, Freddie and Barbara enter. Inspector makes signs to Steward and slips away)
Ice cream cones. Ice cream cones.
(Exit)
Mrs. Maxim
Oh, do let's get some....it's so refreshing.
Barbara
He'll be back soon.
Mrs. Maxim
Queer we haven't see Robert
Freddie
The captain has to stay in the chart room when he's navigatin.
Mrs. Maxim
He can stop navigating long enough to come to see his family.
(Steward crosses)
Freddie
We'll have him paged.
Mrs. Maxim
Steward. Will you please go and tell the captain of this boat that I want to see him immediately?
(Steward starts to go, stops to listen to Barbara and Mrs. Maxim speak, then goes)
Barbara
Freddie's right, mother. There's a lot of red tape to go through.
Mrs. Maxim
Is there a mate on this boat?
Steward
Every passenger aboard has one. Ice cream cones.
(Bob and Dora come out on upper deck)
Barbara
Freddie, don't you think mother out to go to her stateroom and rest?
Freddie
She certainly should. She's likely to get rough tonight.
Mrs. Maxim
I never get rough, and I will not go to my stateroom until I have spoken to my son-in-law.
(Bob recognizes voice, leaves Dora, and peers over rail at family-party)
Dora
What's the matter, dear?
(Bob motions her to be quiet)
Mrs. Maxim
Let's go on the upper deck, where I can see everything.
Bob
(Pointing off R.)
Isn't that beautiful?
Bob
In a few minutes we'll be passing Pittsburgh. Let's go down where we can see better.
Dora
But Pittsburgh isn't on the Hudson, dear.
Mrs. Maxim
I'm afraid It's too breezy up there.
(Starts to go down. Bob start to go up)
Bob
I suppose you'd like it better up there.
(Pushing her up again)
Freddie
Do go up. The view is wonderful.
Bob
But I think I'd like it better down....
Dora
What HIM likes is what HER does....
(Bob and Dora exit R. Enter Capt. followed by Steward)
Steward
Trouble. There's a new Inspector aboard.
Bob
(Entering)
I want to talk to you.
Capt.
I've no time to talk to ye now.
Bob
You've got to find time, Capt. This is important....and private.
(Steward goes)
Capt. I'm in trouble.
Capt
Don't trouble me wid your troubles. I've troubles of my own.
Bob
What are your troubles, Captain?
Capt.
I've got an Inspector on board.
Bob
That's nothing, I've got a mother-in-law on board.
Capt.
You poor worm. Are ye afraid of your mother-in-law?
Bob
Certainly not, but she thinks I'm the Captain of this scow, and I've got to keep her thinking so.
Bob
Borrow one of your uniforms and act like a captain.
Capt.
D'ye think ye could?
Bob
I haven't seen you do anything yet I wouldn't tackle.
(Inspector comes on upper deck. Steward enters below)
Capt.
Oh, go along. Come along to my cabin.
Bob
But do I get the uniform?
Capt.
You do. Mercy on us.
(Captain and Bob exit) (Enter Freddie and Barbara)
Barbara
Ask the Steward about Bob.
Freddie
Hey, Steward, tip me off. Is there such a thing as a Captain on this boat?
Steward
Don't you know you can't run a boat without a captain?
Freddie
You go tell him I want to see him....
Steward
You can send ten words more for the same price.
(Exit)
Barbara
I think I'll go find mother.
Freddie
Don't go. Sit down for a minute. I want to talk to you.
Freddie
About the moon and everything. Oh, do sit down.
Barbara
Very well. Go on...
Freddie
To begin with...isn't the river wonderful?
Barbara
(Yawning slightly)
Wonderful!
Freddie
You don't need the whole reserved section, do you?
(She moves over. He sits, at a loss what to say)
May I smoke?
Freddie
Thanks. Well, to begin......I love you in the daylight, but...in moonlight you're divine.
Barbara
I read that in a book.
Freddie
I thought it was original.
(Notices cigar isn't lighted)
May I smoke?
Freddie
Thanks.
(Lights cigar and puffs violently)
Let me see....where were we?
Barbara
On the Hudson river.
Freddie
Yes, on the Hudson river. Does this cigar bother you?
Barbara
No, but it seems to bother you. Are you going to smoke it?
Freddie
Certainly I'm going to smoke it...or was I going to eat it? I don't like these Panatella cigars do you?
Barbara
I never tried one.
Freddie
Don't do it. You won't like 'em. They're the kind of cigars a man buys to give to his friends. Your mother must have bought this one.
Barbara
If that's all you have to say I think I'll go.
Freddie
Oh, please don't go. Just think....we never held hands on this boat, before.
Barbara
As it happens, we're not holding hands.
Freddie
I'll attend to that immediately, and I've got something to tell you....
(Puts his arm around her)
Well....to begin with....
(She takes match from box on seat, lights it and offers to him. He takes her hand, blows match out, kisses her hand)
Well, to begin with....have you the slightest idea of how people become engage?
Barbara
Of course. She meets him, or else he meets her and they go off to some nice little cafe and talk things over:
Into Duet: "Don't You Want to Take ME?"
(Exit)
(Enter Mrs. Maxim with Hazel)
Mrs. Maxim
Don't you think it's about time we saw your precious husband?
Hazel
If he doesn't know we're on board, why should he look for us?
Mrs. Maxim
Then why don't you look for him?
Hazel
I will, but he may not be on this boat after all.
Mrs. Maxim
I'm sure he is.
(Enter Freddie with Barbara)
Freddie
The "isn'ts" seem to have it. What is the argument?
Hazel
Mother says she thinks Bob is on this boat and I think he isn't.
Mrs. Maxim
Where is he, then? Can you explain it?
Freddie
Why, if he isn't on this boat, this isn't the boat he is on. You understand that, don't you?
Freddie
To go...I should say....to proceed; if this is the boat that he isn't on, isn't it possible that the other boat IS the boat that he is on if he isn't on the boat he is supposed to be on? And there you are?
Mrs. Maxim
What other boat?
Freddie
Ah. There it is. Who can say that? I couldn't go so far as to make any assertions, but my deduction is that the boat that isn't this boat, is the boat that he is on if this is the boat that he isn't on, isn't it?
Mrs. Maxim
I don't get it. And you may is and isn't from here to Albany and when the truth is known you will see your mother is right as always.
(Bob comes in)
Bob
If it isn't dear mother. Well, well, what a happy surprise.
Mrs. Maxim
You look almost manly in that uniform.
Bob
It's my Bridge uniform. I lead from ly long suit.
Hazel
I'm so glad you found us. Now you can tell us all about the ship.
Bob
The pleasure's mine....for next to his wife, a good commander loves his mizzenmast top-sle.
(Sings)
"Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yeo-ho! And a bottle of rum."
Barbara
It's a pretty thing.
Barbara
How fast are we going now.
Bob
Thirty to thirty five, but we slow down to the speed limit at Yonkers.
Freddie
What sort of engine have you, Bob, oscillating cylinders?
Bob
No, sir. No oscillating cylinders on my boat.
Freddie
What's her displacement?
Bob
Everything's in perfect order.
Mrs. Maxim
Well, what shall we see first?
Bob
The most interesting thing on the whole boat.
Bob
You....I won't tell you. I'll show you, when I have time.
Hazel
We mustn't take you away from your business.
Bob
Oh, I"ve ten or fourteen minutes to spare. You see, I don't go on watch till eight bells.
Mrs. Maxim
Eight bells? What time is that?
Bob
Why, don't you know what time is eight bells?
Bob
Just for that I'll make you wait to hear them.
Hazel
And you must leave me then?
Bob
When eight bells strike, no matter what happens, I go. You just go along the deck there, away out on the end of a boardwalk, and when you get to the binnacle porthole, wait for me.
Mrs. Maxim
Come along. I don't want to miss anything.
(She goes with Barbara and Freddie-Hazel starts after her and stops)
Hazel
Bob, I wish you'd give up being the Captain of this boat.
Bob
Give up the sea. Why, girl, it's my life. The dash of the salt and the smell of the waves...a sailors life for me...yeo-ho.
Hazel
But, Bob, if you must give orders, why not give them at home?
Bob
Not until your mother is made a rear admiral.
Hazel
Some thing has gone wrong with us. Bob, is it all my fault?
Bob
I wouldn't say that, dear. I may have been in the wrong myself. Slightly.
(They embrace. Enter Mrs. Maxim)
Bob
Great guns. Can't I kiss my own wife?
Mrs. Maxim
You never kiss her at home. Come Hazel.
Hazel
You're coming too, aren't you, Bob?
(She exits, Maxim turns to go)
Bob
Oh, but I'd like to get something on you.
Bob
You're so damned suspicious of everybody I'll bet you've got a past.
Mrs. Maxim
(Florence and Dora have entered behind Bob)
My past! Ha. What's that behind YOU.
Bob
(Seeing the girls)
You're quite right, absolutely. Wouldn't give you an argument, but may I suggest that the others are waiting for you?
Mrs. Maxim
Who are those girls?
Bob
Passengers, I suppose.
Mrs. Maxim
The tall one acted as if she knew you.
Bob
Absolute strangers. It's the uniform. They all at me.
Mrs. Maxim
I don't wonder. You look like the carriage started at the Automat.
(Exit) (Singing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles")
Bob
How sweet the sea gulls sing tonight.
Bob
One of the passengers, I suppose.
Florence
Dora, doesn't he look funny?
Dora
What on earth have you got on?
Florence
Where did you get it?
Bob
You see, the bottle broke...I mean the hot water bag...well, anyway, my coat got all damp and the Captain sent it to the engine room to dry and loaned me this. It was made by Omar The Tentmaker.
(Enter Captain)
Captain
So there you are.....all dressed up.
Bob
Just a moment. I want you to meet a little friend of mine, Miss DeCosta. Captain White.
(Dora and Captain look at each other)
Bob
Oh, so you're already acquainted? Then perhaps you'd like to chat a while. I've got a little business. I don't mind at all.
Capt.
Perhaps I could find a few words to say to the ladies.
Dora
Will you excuse us Mr. Black?
Bob
It's all right White. Then run along, children, run along.
(They exit)
Thank goodness I'm rid of her.
(Freddie enters left)
Freddie
What's the matter, old man, are nervous?
Bob
I AM nervous. I'll be glad when this night's over.
Freddie
The strain is beginning to tell on you. I notice a queer look around your eyes.
Bob
What sort of a queer look?
Freddie
Enlargement of the pupils. It's a very common nervous symptom.
(Picks at his eye)
Freddie
Don't do that, Bob.
(Imitating him)
Bob
Was I doing that.
(Doing it again)
...I didn't know I was doing that.
Freddie
They never do, but you don't want to let a dippy doctor catch you at it.
Bob
A dippy doctor. What do you mean, Freddie? You don't think there's anything....
Freddie
No, no. Calm down. Everything's all right, you'll be all right old man. You're just nervous and upset. You'll be all right.
Bob
Yes, I'll be all right.
Freddie
Tomorrow you can run up and see the little girl, by the way, I didn't get a good look at that picture in your watch.
Bob
She's a devilish pretty girl, Freddie.
(Takes out watch and hands to Freddie)
...but once I get rid of her...never again.
Freddie
She is pretty. Do you know, there's a girl that looks very much like her on THIS boat.
Bob
Why there isn't any other girl who looks like this girl. Great Scott!
Freddie
What's the matter?
Bob
Is that the same picture I showed you before?
Bob
It can't be. this is my wife's picture.
Bob
I guess I know my own wife.
Freddie
Bob, you don't really think this is Hazel's picture?
Freddie
I don't want to scare you, but you know optical delusion is a first symptom of a serious disease. Of course, I believe that you believe that you saw another picture there.
Bob
Take it away. Take it away. Take it away.
Freddie
Don't get excited. Keep cool. Keep cool.
Bob
I see it now. My brain is wrong. I'm all wrong. My pupils are disturbed. My fingers twitch. I've got optical delusions. I've got serious symptoms. Take it away. Take it away. Away..I'm all to the bad. I'm dippy...I'm daffy. Bug-house. Take it away. Take it away.
(Exits)
(Enter Dora and Captain)
Capt.
I assure you I meant no harm. I says to myself "Robbie, look at that little lovey lambkin. Just then the ship gave a roll and I threw out my arms to keep you from falling.
Dora
And I felt myself hugged by a great big bear.
Capt.
And looked down into your wee face, and you looked up into my wee face...and when a fellow is so near a strawberry how can he help from picking it?
Dora
When I told mother she was furious.
Capt.
I'm awfully sorry. Let me call on your mother and explain.
Dora
Perhaps.
(Hands him book)
The address is on the front page.
(Exit)
(Enter Hazel)
Capt.
I'm all trembling.
(Reading)
Dora DeCosta, Glenmount Landing.
Hazel
Oh, Captain...she's very pretty. Oh, you devil-devil-devil.
Capt.
I feel so self-conscious. Your husband just introduced her to me.
Hazel
And she gave you a book. What is it?
Capt.
Love Thoughts of Lovin' Lover.
Hazel
Oh, Capt. Poetry. I love poetry. Next to Welsh Rarebits I love poetry.
(Reads)
"Look, sweetheart, look into my passionate eyes....
Capt.
Carry on. Carry on.
Hazel
"My eyes that yearn, and burn, and turn".....She must have been cross-eyed.
Capt.
It's warm stuff all right.
Hazel
I wouldn't mind some thing warm....I'm awfully chilly.
Capt.
I wish I had some thing to offer you.
(Enter Steward)
By crickey, I have..Steward fetch the basket of fruit from my locker.
(Exit)
Hazel
Fruit won't make me any warmer.
Capt.
Won't it, though. Wait till you try it. It's not anything you ever saw before. It's a present from a friend of mine who's in the substitute fruit business.
Hazel
Substitute fruit. What's that?
Capt.
It looks like the real stuff, but it's better, for every grape is filled with good brandy. Every plum has a comforting wee bit of Scotch inside.
Hazel
M-m. I think I'd like a Scotch plum.
Capt.
And if you ever eat an Orange you lose consciousness.
Hazel
Don't you tempt me with an orange.
Capt.
You'll like it fine.
Hazel
You're awfully good to me, Capt. And I'm afraid you're right about my husband.
Capt.
Let me tell you...that feller's as jealous of me as he can be. I'll bet he's spying around here now.
Hazel
He has to go on watch at eight bells.
Hazel
He told me himself. When eight bells strike, no matter what happens he goes.
(Enter Bob)
Capt.
Never mind, little lady. I'll take care of you while he's on watch. (Tries to puat arm around her)
(Enter Steward with fruit)
Capt.
Go about your business.
(Places basket of fruit on seat and goes.)
Bob
What do you think you're doing?
Capt.
I was just whispering to your wife. Tellin' her a wee bit funny story.
Bob
Suppose you tell it to me. I don't think she'd get the Scotch humor.
Capt.
I'm afraid you wouldn't see the point. Ha. Ha.
Bob
What do you mean, I wouldn't see the point?
Hazel
You mustn't mind him, Capt. He hasn't been himself lately. He's nervous.
Capt.
If he's so nervous perhaps we'd better leave him by himself.
Bob
Yes. I'm going to leave myself by myself, with my wife.
Capt.
(To Hazel)
What do you say?
Hazel
...If you'll excuse me.
Capt.
I wouldn't have offered an orange if I'd a thought you preferred a lemon.
(Exit R. Bob rushes after him)
Bob
Have a care, my lad. Don't forget that I'm commander here.
Bob
Go aloft and mizzle the starboard anchor....and keep away from ladies, you miserable marlin-spike.
(Exit. Hazel follows him off) (Enter Mrs. Maxim)
Mrs. Maxim
What a wonderful night. And the moon....every time I see the moon it gives me the blues.
Into: "Blues"
(Enter Steward)
Steward
Hello, kid. All alone?
Mrs. Maxim
Why, it's the Steward.
Mrs. Maxim
Don't go. You seem a very superior young man for a Steward.
Steward
Yes, mam...I'm just stewarding to pay my way through college.
Mrs. Maxim
I could see you were a gentleman. Sit down.
Steward
Yes, I'm a gentleman.
(Sits on fruit)
What the devil is that. The Capt. basket of fruit.
Mrs. Maxim
California fruit. How beautiful. How delicious. And I'm so hungry.
Steward
Yes, but it doesn't belong to us.
Mrs. Maxim
But isn't it magnificent...and tempting. Oh, my.
Steward
(Holding up grapes)
Sure is. Old Capt. couldn't kick if one of 'em fell off.
(One falls off)
Can't blame me for taking what I fond on the deck, can he?
Mrs. Maxim
Certainly not.
Steward
Oh, me, oh my. They're scrumptious.
Mrs. Maxim
Tantalizer.
(Lets one fall into her lap)
Findings keepings.
(She eats it)
Steward
Say, kid...don't ne dishtant.
(Puts arm around her. She puts her head on his shoulder. Bob enters, sees her)
Mrs. Maxim
You're so sympathetic. Snice Snight!
(Starts laughing. She sings: "Roll on...shilver moon....Yodels Oy-oy-oi!)
(Laughs, then stops)
Steward
What's the matter?
Mrs. Maxim
I think you'd better take me out to the air.
Steward
(Trying to rise, can't)
There ain't no more air.
Mrs. Maxim
Ish thish boat goin' round the river or is the river goin round the boat....It's cutting up some awful capers.
Steward
Come on, lesh go.
(He rises, gets her up. She laughs)
What is it now?
Mrs. Maxim
It's time you took me away. The smoke stach is doing the shimmie.
Song: "Don't You Want to Take Me?"
Steward
(Eating)
How is it?
Mrs. Maxim
It's a long time since I tasted anything so good.
Steward
(Rating)
Scrumptious.
Mrs. Maxim
And what a delightful odor.
(Sniffs grapes)
Smells just like my first husband.
Steward
Heresh a nishe plum.
Mrs. Maxim
"He stuck in his plum, and pulled out a thumb, and shaid whash a good bot shm I.....
(Steward holds up an orange)
(They each take one. There is a little top on each, with a stem, that comes out so they can sip the liquor)
Mrs. Maxim
First time I ever shaw an orangsh with a cover like a shuer-bowl.
(Bob enters. Looks over railing at water. He is in a study and without looking at them at all sits down on back of their seat)
(Mrs. Maxim laughs)
Mrs. Maxim
I wash thinkin'...never went to shea for fear I'd be shea-shick an' here I am at shea n' not shea-shick at all. Jush as happy ash I ever wash on land...mush' be'cause you're beside me.
(They exit) (Enter Freddie and Inspector)
Inspr.
Believe me there are some pretty swell Janes on this boat. Is it always like this?
Freddie
Sure...only Saturday night it goes double. Say they tell me there is a troupe of Spanish dancers on the boat, going up to Albany to dance at a Senator's dinner.
Inspr.
Gee, those senators have a hard life...
(Sees Spanish girl)
S' beautiful evening.
Inspr.
No, dearie, that isn't the sea. That's the Hudson River. It's an exceptionally beautiful evening ce soir, ne'cest pas? No understand? one moment. Si hablo Espaniola.
Freddie
(Seeing other Spanish girl)
Oh, Lady, did anyone happen to suggest to you that you are the most beautifulist, most wonderfullist girl in the whole world because I'll say you are that and a few more besides, and if there's anything I can do for you, girlie, I'm yours to command.
Isabella
The Bull.
Number: "She's Spanish". After number, ensemble remains on stage. Enter Captain.
Capt.
Clear the decks, Steward, everything under cover. There's a big blow coming.
Hazel
(Entering)
Oh, Captain, do you think there's a storm coming?
(Wind whistles)
O-o-oh, hear that.
Capt.
We'll be in a gale soon, but don't you mind, you and me will go in the cabin for fine dance.
(Bob enters during this speech)
Bob
Pardon me, but if anyone is dancing with my wife, it is myself.
Capt.
Ye'll dance fine, but not with your wife.
(Eight bells sound)
There ye go, my hearty, Did ye hear that?
Bob
That clock's wrong.....it's after eight.
Capt.
It's eight bells...and eight bells is the time ye told 'em you always went on watch...so keep your word.
Bob
Couldn't you wait just one more little bell?
Capt.
No, sir. You picked your time, and ye picked a good night for it....so go to it.
Hazel
Can't he wait a while, Capt. It's going to be very nasty.
Bob
Narsty weather is my delight, my girl. I'd run her nose into the teeth of the hungriest gale that ever bit a bite.
Capt.
No more talk, damn ye. Up with ye. To your watch.
Bob
Farewell, Hazel. I've got to bring my good ship to port on Main Street, Albany before the morning church bells cheeime. Good-bye lass...duty calls....I obey.
(Goes up stairs as music starts for...)
FINALE.
Act 3
The Garden
(As curtain rises, kiddies trundle hoops on stage. Then Loretta, followed by Nurse)
Nurse
Children, you can't run in other people's gardens like this.
Loretta
Yes we can. We're wise kids. We know our way about.
Nurse
but it's time for your music lesson.
(All kids exclaim scornfully "o-o-oh")
Loretta
I'm sick and tired of that old-fashioned opretta music....ta-ta-ti-tata-
(All kids laugh)
Nurse
I shall go and tell your mother, Miss Loretta.
(Going to gate)
Kiddies
Oh, she's going to tell your mother.
(All kids run out their tongues at Nurse)
Loretta
Go tell her, you old tattle-tale. Tell her I want Jazz...opera's too damned old-fashioned.
Kiddies
That's what we want. Jazza-ti-jazz-jazz.
Into number:
(From gate L., over to R. of table)
Mrs. DeCosta
Florence, you tell me about this Capt. White.
Florence
(From house L. basket in hand)
I can't every time I speak about it Dora grows hysterical.
(From gate L. following Mrs. DeCosta on)
Dora
Oh, mother, I can listen to him for hours and not understand half he is saying. Oh, here's Mr. Black.
All
Indeed, yes. It's Mr. Black. Come right in, etc.
Bob
How are you, Mrs. DeCosta? How do you do? I missed you getting off the boat.
Dora
We disembarked early.
Bob
It was a wild night on the river.
Dora
We had a very joly dance in the saloon. Where were you?
Bob
In my stateroom. It was a dirty night.
(He takes out his watch and is comparing Hazel's picture and Dora)
Mrs. DeC.
Oh, Robert...you don't mind if I call you Robert?
Bob
I wish you would if anything could make me feel more at home, it would be your calling me Robert.
Mrs. DeC.
And I want you to feel at home. Just as thought I was your mother,
Florence
And I were your sister.
Bob
Thank you. That is sweet of you.
Dora
And don't forget me. I'll be your sister, too.
Bob
Well, I...Oh, I forgot to show you what I plucked. I mean bought. I told you some day I would make a salad dressing for you, before my salad days are over.
Mrs. DeC.
MY husband used to like to busy himself that way, too.
Bob
I do enjoy it. At home I never get a chance.
Dora
At home? What do you call at home?
Bob
I haven't one. I mean I never get a chance.
Bob
Sort of a boyhood ambition fulfilled. Let's get ahead with it. See the joke. Lettuce...get a head...with it....good. Now I want to do this myself. If I could have a knife.
Florence
I'll get you one.
Bob
And I'll need something to put the cutting in.
(She goes into house. Re-enter Florence)
Bob
And now if I had something to put around me.
Dora
Yes, you want something to put around you to - an apron - I'll get you one.
(She exits. By this time Florence has returned.)
Florence
Here's the knife. It isn't very sharp.
Bob
No, it isn't. You haven't a stone?
Florence
There's one somewhere. I'll see
(She exits. Mrs. DeC. enters)
Mrs. DeC.
How is this, Robert?
Bob
Fine. Now if I had some thing to put the lettuce in.
(Dora comes in)
Mrs. DeC.
Of course, I have just what you want.
Dora
I couldn't find an apron. See if this is all right.
(Tries it on. Tea cloth)
Florence
(From kitchen)
Here's a sharper knife.
Bob
I think this will do.
Mrs. DeC.
(Enters with bowl)
Is this one large enough?
Bob
Quite. Now if i had just a little water in that.
Dora
Certainly. You are going to fix the dressing, aren't you?
Bob
Yes. I'm going to do this whole thing myself. Why?
Dora
Nothing. Only if it's as easy making the dressing as it is preparing the lettuce I'd like to do it.
(Exit into Kitchen)
Mrs. DeC.
Never mind her, Bob. It's fun to see you enjoy yourself. Now Florence and I will see that everything else is ready for you.
Florence
Have you got everything you want?
Bob
Everything I want? I wish I could have it like this always.
Mrs. DeC.
Well, faint heart you know!
(Exits. Bob is left for Panto. scene, which will be worked out. After cue, Bob takes up dishes, etc., and is about to exit. As he does so Dora and Polly enter. Polly with clothes basket)
Dora
Here is the bowl of water.
Bob
Thank you. I think I can do it better in the house.
Dora
No, let Polly take that. Here is something that you can help me with in return for my assistance.
Dora
I want to check up the laundry. You take this pencil and paper. You see we want to make you feel very much at home.
(Laundry duet)
(Enter Polly with Captain)
Polly
I'll tell Miss Dora right away sir.
(Bob enters)
Bob
Hello, what are you doing here?
Captain
That's a fine thing for you to ask. I'm wondering what you'd answer if your wife asked the same question.
Bob
You needn't concern yourself about that at all. I'll be responsible for my actions.
Capt.
I'm wonderin if you are. You're not looking any too class A, this morning.
Bob
How could I after last night. You ought to have a shock absorbers put on that scow you command.
Capt.
See here, before Miss Dora comes I want to give you a little warning. I don't want you coming here any more.
Bob
Oh, you've fallen for the young lady yourself have you?
Capt.
I refuse to answer that I consider an impertinent question. Just sheer off...or I'll tell her your real name...Mr. Black. (They exit) (Barbara and Freddie make entrance over wall left)
Freddie
It's all right. There is no one here now. Come up.
Barbara
The table is spread for luncheon.
Barbara
Do you think it is safe?
Freddie
Certainly. Brace up and act like a regular detective.
Barbara
I don't think I'd like to be a regular detective snooping around people's premises.
Freddie
That's what I get for taking a Nestle's Food Kid out on a regular grown up job.
(Dora and Bob in window)
Barbara
Look, there she is. It is that girl. The one on the boat in Bob's watch.
Barbara
But I think it's disgraceful, Freddie. I never thought Bob could be guilty of such poor tast. She isn't half as attractive as Hazel.
Barbara
You're as bad as Bob, raving about that girl again.
Freddie
You must admit she's very good-looking.
Barbara
How do you know....you said you'd never look at another girl.
Freddie
I said....AFTER we married.
Barbara
Go along and look at as many as you like. I guess I could get someone to notice me if I tried very hard.
Freddie
Come on. We'll go and tell Hazel.
Barbara
No. YOU go and tell her. I prefer to be by myself.
(Goes out gate)
(She starts toward gate. 1st man look over wall)
1st Man
Are you looking for someone?
Barbara
No one in particular.
2nd Man
(Steps from gate)
Then wouldn't I do?
Barbara
What are you doing here?
3rd Man
(Enters gate, followed by others)
We knew you were here, so we just hing around.
Barbara
Hm. I sort of like to have you hang around.
Into song: "Hearts For Sale."
(Exit) (Boys)
(Enter Mrs. DeC. Capt. Florence, Dora.)
Florence
Here we are, mother.
Mrs. DeC.
Are you all starving?
Capt.
Long waitin' makes good appetite.
(At gate Polly opens it. Hazel enters followed by Mrs. Maxim, Freddie and Barbara)
Dora
Who are these people?
Hazel
Sorry to disturb your luncheon but my business is urgent.
Hazel
There's no use wasting time. I know my husband is here.
Mrs. DeC. and Florence
Your husband?
Dora
We have nobody's husband here.
Barbara
Oh, yes you have. I saw him talking to you in that window not ten minutes ago.
Barbara
Certainly it was Bon. I guess I know my own brother-in-law.
Dora
Is he your brother-in-law?
Mrs. Maxim
And my son-in-law.
Mrs. DeC.
Is this really true?
Hazel
The Captain knows it.
Mrs. DeC.
Has Mr. Black decieved us?
Capt.
The young man, Black or White, who is making the salad, is this lady's husband.
Hazel
The salad. Great Heavens. Did I marry a chef.
Mrs. DeC.
We're waiting for him now.
Hazel
I'll tell you what we'll do.
Hazel
You all sit down to luncheon just as tho nothing had happened. Now you remain where you are until I come back.
(Exits, gate)
Dora
Here he comes. Sit down Bobby....in your old place.
(Bob enters. All sit, begin to eat)
Capt.
Are ye hungry, Mr. Black?
Freddie
(Putting head over wall)
Bob White. Bob White.
(Bob nearly chokes)
Capt.
What's the matter? Some thing gone the wrong way?
Bob
I thought I heard....no, it's nothing.
Freddie
Bob White...Bob White.
(Bob picks up water bottle, listens with horror, pouring water in Mrs. DeC. plate)
Bob
I beg your pardon. Did you hear anything?
Bob
Some queer sort of bird.
Mrs. DeC.
Oh, no. We never keep birds here on account of the cat.
Bob
I'll get the salad.
(He goes. Enter Hazel from house with Mrs. Maxim and Barbara. Freddie from gate) (Mrs. DeC. and Capt. go into arbor. Hazel sits in Dora's place. Mrs. Maxim in Mrs. DeCosta's. Freddie in Capt's. Barbara in Florence's. Bob enters. They all eat)
Here you are. Salad a la Ritz...Plaza!
(Serves plate)
(At the sound of her voice Bon looks at her in horror, sees Hazel. They all eat, paying no attention to him)
Bob
What are you doing here?
Hazel
Eating our luncheon, of course, dear.
Bob
Who's in the kitchen?
Hazel
Why the maid, I suppose.
Hazel
Bob, we never had a maid named Polly.
(Bob goes into house. the DeC's. return)
Hazel
Now are you satisfied that he is my husband?
Dora
I'm only too glad he is.
Mrs. Maxim
This will teach him a lesson.
(They go into arbor and DeC's. seat themselves. Bob comes back with Polly)
Bob
No one is in the kitchen but Polly. There, do you see?
Capt.
Can't you sit still a minute?
Capt.
Why, I haven't moved since we started luncheon.
Mrs. DeC.
I'm afraid you're not well.
Bob
A light headache, that's all.
Dora
Try and eat something.
Bob
No, I think I'll have a drink. If you don't mind my asking a foolish question. Have you left your chair since we first sat down?
Dora
Where should I go? I'm not so nervous as you.
Bob
I must be seeing things.
(Mrs. Maxim enters)
Mrs. DeC.
Explain to your wife.
Hazel
I beg your pardon. Is this the Capt. of the Night Boat to Albany?
Capt.
Don't be too hard on the lad. He was just going to quit it all. He told me so.
Bob
That's the truth, Hazel. I promise to be good. Take me home.
Mrs. Maxim
Let's wait and go on the Night Boat.
(Into Finale)
The End