Elvis K. (“The King”) Caselden

1 Aug 1996 - 14 Nov 2013

The King has left the building.

Known to many, and loved by nearly all who knew him, Elvis quietly passed away in the company of his beloved companions this evening at the age of 17.  His humble beginnings as one of the “oh my freaking god - how many kittens did this barn cat have?” can be traced back to a farm in Markle, Indiana, where he was stolen by two white people along with his sister, Sivle (that’s pronounced like “Seville”).  

Elvis loved to travel, mostly under the influence of something called “Procalm” (to which one of our moving companions can attest delivers a wicked buzz), and drove all the way from Indiana to Seattle.  He slept in tents along the way, unbeknownstly serving as mountain lion and bear bait in South Dakota and Montana to his fellow travelers. Once in the big city, Elvis survived a harrowing battle with a plastic grocery bag, escaping with only minor scars, one less claw, and having pissed himself.  It is believed his experience influenced the many anti-plastic bag campaigns across America.  He also really wanted to eat the fish we had, as a staunch anti-fish-as-pets activist - I mean seriously people, fish are lousy fucking pets (the largest cichlid we had ate all the other fish except the suckerfish, whose fins it ate off leaving it looking like a sausage). There is speculation that Elvis orchestrated this horrific scene as a propaganda piece for his movement, which rapidly petered out when we got rid of the fish. Elvis always wanted a friend, since his sister’s a particular type, and in Seattle this was some jackass crow who mocked him from the power lines. Seattle was great as you can see, but Elvis always wanted more - like how he would stare at you when the bottom of his bowl was visible asking “what the fuck, dude? Do we have to go over this again?”

Elvis later traveled in search of new destinies to San Francisco, where his love affair with rubbing on concrete slabs began.  Ah, concrete.  So cool, so scratchy.  The ample spaciousness of his 2100 sq ft loft apartment also provided him amazing runways for his post-defecation ritual of a screaming sprint across the top floor, down the steps, arcing into the bedroom, back up the steps, and culminating in an echoey RRROOOWWWWLLLL in some corner not yet poisoned by his biological warfare. Elvis launched a brief career as a fashion model, having modest success with this shot:

Work it girl! But this phase quickly ended due to his discomfort with the hardcore scenes demanded of the local market.  Elvis instead sought to clean up his act, ditching Chinese melamine-tainted pet food for natural whole food diets just like any normal Californian would do.

Not satisfied with the open road or American politics though, Elvis sought broader horizons and moved to Dublin, Ireland in 2008 in the cargo hold of an Aer Lingus Airbus 330. He decided, after 8 hours hiding under the bed upon arrival, that air travel is for suckers and people from Wicklow can be impossible to understand when you haven’t slept for 28 hours.

The short daylight hours in the Irish winter failed to impact his regular 20 hours of napping, but 4 hours of summertime darkness left him constantly asking for breakfast. Stuck on an island, he adopted the local customs - changing his “meow” to “meow yaknowwhutimeanlike”, spending proper time outside in the back garden hunting ‘birds’, catching and eating the incredibly slow flies, and seeking new friends.  After failed attempts with local arsehole cats like Butters and Hitler-cat and a lack of other Irish mates given his distinct southsider prejudice, Elvis finally found his long-sought buddy in a 4-year old male named Max.  Max and Elvis became fast friends - slapping, chasing, and biting - and in true little brother form, Max slept next to Elvis on his last night with our family.

Elvis was a just and noble king, and his 17 year reign was marked by many highlights, including but most certainly not limited to:

• frequenting laps
• greeting strangers
• fetching, like a dog
• being on a leash and harness, like a dog
• eating, constantly
• silent meowing
• the “come here” head bob
• opening lever-handled doors
• getting stuck in the back of recliners
• laying and rolling in dirt and the dirtiest spot available on a concrete slab
• being so asleep you could stick your finger in his mouth and wiggle it around
• biting and pulling hair as your “wake up call”
• ankle biting
• inappropriate hissing and biting of loved ones and guests
• attacking women holding children and biting them
• humping legs
• humping my woobie
• humping anything
• being the one who pissed outside the box and let his sister take the blame until we caught him red fucking handed
• the good morning leg rub while you take your morning piss
• chewing/licking plastic bags - even after “the Seattle incident”
• hissing at you when you ask him to get off your lap then going with you wherever you go anyhow
• leaving last impressions, like the teeth marks on Jon & Marcy’s bamboo
• being the first little face you’d see when you came in the door
• collecting nicknames, such as Big Boy, Fat Boy, Fat Ass, Hey Boy, The Boy, My Boy, Sweet Boy
• taking my fucking seat!
• letting me clean his eye boogers, nose boogers, and never flinching

Elvis lived a bold, healthy, and happy existence until the last five days of his life, when a mass in his chest quickly and aggressively developed and he rapidly declined.  Never giving a cry, whimper, or moan in his final days, he ate from a spoon, stayed constantly near us, and loved us as strongly as he had from the first day we met and he nearly climbed up under the car’s dashboard on the way home. He was a true friend, the best companion anyone could ask for, who loved us as we loved him - unconditionally.  Every family, every one, needs an Elvis.  Elvis leaves behind his sister, adopted brother, two humans, and loads of friends across Europe and North America.  Not bad for a cat.

We will miss you Boy, but we will never forget you.  Your hair is pretty much embedded in everything we own, and we’re completely okay with that.