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Whether we realise it or not, we spend a large chunk of our days trying to influence people to do what we want them to do. The friend who, no matter how often we tell them it’s important that they’re on time, continues to be late All.
Enter Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies framework; something I will confess I am obsessed with because I’ve discovered so many different ways it can be used to make life better. The framework is all about how we respond to expectations; both inner (meeting a New Year’s Resolution, deciding to quit sugar) and outer (a work deadline, a request from a friend).
Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation only if they think it makes sense. Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves.
I have a theory that because Obligers are so common, it makes people who are the other types, (ie seemingly less amenable to simple requests), seem like jerks.
If an Upholder is asking something vague of themselves (‘I really want to get back into yoga’), then your very concrete request, (‘Will you come with me to a networking breakfast this Friday?’) will take precedence.
Given I know my husband will do pretty much anything to reduce my stress levels, this would have been a good enough ‘reason’ in his book to warrant sourcing the lights.
So it’s clear, if you want to influence a Questioner to do something, you need to provide them with some sound reasoning. If you want to find out more about the strengths and weaknesses of your own type, and also how to motivate people of other types, you can check out Gretchen talking about each on her Happier podcast here: Upholders, Obligers, Questioners, Rebels. And let me know in the comments below if there’s someone in your life the above is going to be able to help you with! Yeah, it SOUNDS manipulative but it’s really just about how to break through that outer film of BS and get to actually speak to the real person inside.

You know, I have a theory that all Upholders need a good Questioner in our lives to challenge the (usually unreasonable) expectations we have of ourselves! We quit alcohol for not quite the whole month of February, and when I opened the bottle of wine the other night, my husband remarked about how much he liked that particular one. NB: Submitting this form will subscribe you to my weekly email filled with tips for living a less frantic life. If you’re trying to get an Upholder to do something, quite often they will be happy to do it simply because you’ve asked.
If an Upholder is working towards something firm (‘Argh my book deadline is next Monday’), then your concrete request will take less precedence. Well they can be annoying (my husband is a Questioner) because it feels like they never do anything simply because you’ve asked them to. These guys are a little frustrating because If you ask a Rebel to do something directly, they will either refuse to do it, or they will do the opposite.
You've found Kelly ExeterShe's the author of Practical Perfection and Your Best Year Ever, Editor of Flying Solo, owner of Swish Design and co-host of two podcasts: Let it Be and Straight and Curly. And if your request is not very concrete at all, (‘Can you take a look through this paper when you get a chance?’), that’s when Upholders are most likely to say ‘Can’t do it, sorry’. And if you praise them for having done something you wanted them to do … it’s pretty much guaranteed they will never do it again!
Unsurprisingly my non-scientific survey confirms that Obligers are over-represented in workshops and masterminds I run, because they’re all trying to grab some more accountability, little do they know I’m doing the same by running the things! Couldn’t find a screening of That Sugar Film via your link, and you’d think that I could screen Anything, in Los Angeles! So it’s important to know your request will be competing with the things they are asking of themselves.

My husband and I are currently building a house and we’re in charge of sourcing all the lighting for the house. But I was never able to present the ‘why you should quit sugar’ information in a suitably impactful way. In this episode of the Happier podcast Gretchen uses the example of a Rebel work colleague who refuses to be on time for work meetings. We’re all managing many different personalities in our everyday lives, and I know from experience that’s it’s very hard to deal with people who don’t think the way you do. Being an Upholder, my inclination was to simply source the lights and get them to him asap. Just talk in general conversation about what quitting sugar has done for you and leave it there for them to mull over. But if you know that person prides themselves on being a team player, and you point out to them that, in continually being late for meetings that their colleagues perceive them as being bigger than the team, this can quickly lead to the desired behavioural change.
Rebels like to feel that they are choosing to do something rather than having to do something. He wanted to know why the builder needed the lights at that time given they were months away from being needed. Neither I nor the builder was able to provide a good answer for that at the time so … the damn lights still haven’t been sorted.

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Comments to «What not to do when you want to get pregnant easily»

  1. Zayka writes:
    Frequent bleeding during being pregnant so one.
  2. yjuy writes:
    Detaches both absolutely or partially from the uterus.