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As a person recovering from PTSD, I have experienced a push-pull dynamic in my relationship due to triggers frequently opening up past trauma. If a trigger is something about your partner, you may indeed push them away just to get some relief from all the activation of the nervous system.
Once, when I felt safe enough with him, my boyfriend and I were beginning to get intimate and  something opened up a flashback of a traumatic sexual memory.
Before I go further into this push-pull dynamic, I just want to say that in a certain way, PTSD is a myth.
I don’t know why but unfortunately there are things about my boyfriend that remind me of past traumatic experiences. In the graphic above I compile all these triggers into something called the Trigger Monster.
Healthy — When I seek closeness, a certain percent of the time it is a healthy, conscious, and natural expression of human affection, connection, love and intimacy. Triggered and Need to Heal — If I happen to be severely triggered, experiencing terror or an emotional meltdown of some kind, then I may want closeness because I am trying to find a place of safety to heal. Shattered Seeking Wholeness — By “shattered” I mean feeling chaotic, fragile, not in touch with myself and lost. Patching Up the Cracks with Love — What it feels like to me is that going through extreme trauma is like going through an earthquake, which results in having these harsh cracks throughout myself and those cracks extend into the relationship in particular ways. Grieving One: Fear of Loss — Grieving One says, “I can’t deal with losing anything else!” When I get triggered and see boyfriend as a perpetrator (a reminder in him triggers a memory of a past abusive male partner) some part of me believes it can only survive if I “get away” from the threat.
Sense of Being Impaired — Feeling mentally impaired, mentally disorganized, weak, injured, tired, different, misunderstood by the world can lead to wanting to lean on your partner for help in life with things you can’t do anymore on your own (both things you actually can’t do anymore due to injury and also those you just believe you can’t do anymore due to the shock and impact of the traumatic events).
Pent Up Trauma Energy — “I need you to trigger me so I can figure out how to find resolution.” This has to do with how the mind and body contain unresolved trauma and this held back trauma energy may, on some level, be seeking to be triggered so it can complete it’s expression and find a place of resolution.
Therapeutic Effects of Being Close to Another Human Body — Physically holding another person close, feeling their warmth, putting your ear on them and hearing their heart beating, feeling their tummy move up and down as they breathe is Somatic Therapy.
There are some dangers associated with this push-pull dynamic (there are probably more than the items listed here).
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Much of it is theoretical, however it is material I consider worth being studied in a scientific manner. Triggers can cause a variety of internal responses from slight nervousness and unease to a full blown flashback of a traumatic memory. When the triggers bring up deeply disturbing memories, you may decide to take space from them and want to be alone for a period of time. The triggers can  cause you to pull your partner to you, for solace, comfort, stability and security. I don’t mean to diminish the validity and reality of my symptoms or make myself feel bad for having them.
The snakes on the head of the first relate to a year-long period in the past filled with sexual and relationship trauma.
I am not 100 percent PTSD, I am a person who part of the time exhibits symptoms of PTSD and part of the time is psychologically healthy. Sometimes I feel like I am falling apart, or my relationship is crumbling or the world is unstable.
However, I feel that dependency is okay and is an act of courage when in a place of recovery.
One problem though is that, if I did really get away entirely, part of me, that I am calling the Grieving One, believes it could not survive the grieving process.
The needs of a baby are basic but very important – they need an attachment bond or parental figure and a stable, consistent and supportive environment. If you pay attention to your sensations as you do it, it constitutes an activity that is regulating for the nervous system just like other Somatic Therapy exercises.
They may engage addictive behaviors as a way to feel pleasure and comfort when their partner is not available. I have noticed that sometimes when I seek closeness and love I do it without any discrimination.
It must be done inside the body, in the movements needing expression — creations that erupt with sobs and buried words, the myriad of sensations traveling along the nerves from the muscles, to glands, to organs, through the spine to the brain and back again. Why Didn’t You Leave SoonerMany of us have unspoken, unfinished, or incomplete feelings about our current and previous relationships. Donald Trump, BuzzFeed took a political stand despite the cost, as did the late Muhammad Ali. Collected StoriesOur e-book, free with a Gold Premium Membership, curates and collects some of our finest articles designed to change the conversation about men.
Sometimes the traumatic memories are not “a memory.” They are more like a nexus or group of memories that come with all these layers of meaning and can rip your heart out.


If the triggers happen all the time, you may want them gone entirely and end up breaking up for no good reason. When in such a fragile state, you may completely ignore real problems in the relationship and stay even if there are actual reasons to part ways.
But all this horror, terror, emotional and mental chaos…it’s technically related to the past. I’m saying this because if these symptoms are related to things that are not real, maybe there is hope to one day return to normal. Because he was around me after past accidents, just the sight of him can link back to those awful moments. When I feel like this I may try to patch up all the cracks I sense in life, in me, in us – with love, care and affection, in a kind of desperate hope that it will work. When I am triggered and feel terrified, like when I woke from an entire night of nightmares of facing death again, I want to feel my boyfriend’s warm body near mine and be able to feel the beating of another human heart. There can be regret, heartbreak, unresolved grief, self-blame…all kinds of things that need to be resolved.
Perhaps the body can unlearn the trauma of the past and return to living life in the present. I am chaos, I need to sense order somewhere.” This is actually something I noticed about myself a few years after the events. Due to a week of relative stability I guess my mind felt like it could afford to let it come out.
It has been somewhat pacified, a bit more friendly than in the past, but still dangerous in its own way. I was seeking a partner because they seemed “intact.” I realized that on some level, I was seeking wholeness and order, as my mind and system were in complete chaos. The Grieving One literally believes it would fall apart if another loss – of my boyfriend – were stacked up on that pile.
The emotions that arose if I thought my partner wanted to leave seemed very similar to those of a baby.
The newer one is snarling and writhing in pain within my heart, like a demon that was rudely awoken from the grave, its head full of black shadowy snakes. As I recover I seem to be returning to my biological age (this pertains to adult attachment and how it relates to both childhood and adulthood trauma). Due to the fact that there is no thought involved they may pull someone close who is not the most healing, nurturing person. I think I felt a longing for something to lead me “home,” but really I need to come home within myself.




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