Gamer or Lamer?
by Dlyrius, HSM Guest contributor
Are you a good gamer? Do you kick booty with every flick of your thumb? If you are, congratulations, you can stop reading now. This article is for gamers like me, really really REALLY bad ones. I am so bad, it has gone beyond pathetic and reached the epic proportions of “Egads woman, put that controller down!”
I have no shame whatsoever about my inability to drive my avatar without face planting her into any given object at any given time. After all, it isn’t like she will end up in the hospital or anything and to be honest, sometimes it’s pretty dang funny. Some days, I am convinced she is drunk or stoned out of her mind. So it’s all her fault “we” suck at games.
After all, Home is a virtual world, and she lives there 24/7. How do I know what she is doing when I’m not around? We all think the light goes off when we close the fridge, but does it really? Well the same goes for avatars. How do we know for sure that they aren’t out running around on a private server wreaking all kinds of havoc when we think they are asleep? She could at least make an effort to practice while I am gone so we both didn’t look like idiots when facing off against some 9yr old with smaller hands and better reflexes.
Starting to sound familiar? Well please read on while I share some of my gaming history with you. Hopefully it will give you a chuckle and perhaps even make you feel just a little better about your own skills, or lack thereof. Who knows, it might even save you a couple bucks when you feel the need to hire the 12yr old next door to finish a level for you.
Now I am not sure where things went so horribly wrong. I started off on an Atari and a lovely little game called Pong. I was pretty good at it and enjoyed playing for hours on end. However my joy ended when Asteroids was introduced. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t even fly the ship and always got killed by those innocent looking little blobs of pixels before I could even get a shot off.
Initially I thought “Okay, so I can’t fly a space ship, no big deal”, and off I went with my dignity intact…. but not for long.
Next was Nintendo. Ahh Nintento, you were my fall from grace! One summer evening, a friend pulled out a new toy they had gotten for her son. A simple little box with a few wires sticking out of it. We plopped ourselves down in front of the television and prepared to blow the stuffing out of some fowl in Duck Hunt. Little plastic gun in hand, we eagerly awaited our quarry.. LOOK, there’s one.. kill it! Shoot, Miss, Repeat pretty much summons up my evening. By the end of the night, I was sitting so close to the television my gun was touching the screen, and I swear that damn dog was mocking me!
It was at this point I decided to give up gaming. They had gotten too advanced for me, and I was sure it was a passing fancy. If I only known then what I know now about digital advancements and gaming, I would have sat there all night until I beat that damn dog and killed all the ducks. Now you would think this is the end of the story, but oh no, not even close. It seems I am the tenacious type, and truly hate any machine getting the best of me. This is true of all computers, cars, tools, even my toaster. So why would I give in so easy when a cartoon dog and a bunch phoney fowl bested me for a couple of hours? Because I felt like a moron, and I had my pride to consider.. for a while anyway.
I don’t exactly remember how many years went by before I tried my hand at playing again, but I do remember the game. Carmageddon. It was a DOS based game with pretty cool graphic and sound effects. It took forever to install and load. In fact, it was the very first time I had ever seen the progress bar on my computer wrap around the screen and come back for second and third laps. Now this was fun! I totally reveled in the screams of pedestrians I ran over them with a resounding thud, squish, and squeal of tires while only leaving bloody tire tracks to show I was even there. And the poor cows.. oh Heaven help me the poor poor cows, they never stood a chance.
At this point, I was getting older and drifted away from the mayhem of Carmageddon for the realities of life, mainly working for a living. I was never without a computer, but spent most of my free time chatting on IRC. It even got to a point where I swore up and down I would never EVER install a game on my machine and scoffed at “gamers” in general. Ever heard the term “Eating Crow”? Take it from me, it’s not half bad if you serve it roasted with a nice green salad.
By the time I got back into gaming again, Spyro was the new thing on the market. Sure, I had seen other games, but I love dragons, so it was only natural that I would have to at least give this one a try. To this day, I am still trying to finish it. Next was Myst, and all I can say is WOW! I love love love this game! I didn’t die every time I played, so that was a plus right there. The graphics in it are awesome, and the puzzles really make you think. Out of all the games I have played, Myst is the one I miss the most.
Which leads us to that little black box sitting on my entertainment center right this minute. Yes, I’m talking about you evil PS3! Initially we had an Xbox with my Spyro game on it and I had managed to finish 87% of it and was pretty proud of myself. Alas, one day I came home to find the Xbox gone and the shiny new PS3 in its place. I was assured my Spyro game was still there, however all my progress was lost during the transition. Bloody great! There goes a couple years of my life. So I ignored the PS3 for the first two years we owned it. After all, it had to be punished for not saving all my hard won dragon eggs. It would still be sitting idle today as my official NetFlix connection had I not learned about Home. Woohoo! Not only could I chat like I did on IRC, I could have awesome clothes, a pretty avatar, and more real estate than Donald Trump. How cool is that?
Next thing I knew, I had logged on and donned my newbie clothes for a look around. It was glorious! Look at all the people, and buildings, and stuff! I was back in my element, until I discovered the bowling alley. Yes the demons were back to haunt me once again. I’ve never seen so many gutter balls in my life. So I tried pool, not too bad, I got the hang of that pretty quickly. So okay, its a gaming community, I might as well see what else is out there. Who knows, I might be good at something again. So off I went with as much confidence as I could muster up.
I hit Aurora, BUZZ, Burn Zombie Burn, and Hudson. Sure, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, but it was still fun. I think it was at this point I realized I didn’t have to be good at games, all I had to do was enjoy playing. That my fellow lame gamers is the secret! Sure, I had to have a friend log into my account to complete the Bootleggers part of the Winter Quest, but I managed to finish the rest of it myself. Yes it was frustrating at times, the directions were confusing at best, but even that didn’t matter. I had friends who happily helped by giving me clues amidst the laughter at my ineptness. In fact it seems I have become the comic relief amongst my gamer friends.
Recently I acquired Red Dead Redemption at the urging of these same friends. All they had to do was tell me I could ride a horse and I was at the store looking for the disc. Now I have only played a couple of time, and my first time in multiplayer mode I was mauled to death by a bear while listening to my posse partner trying to contain his giggles. In all honesty, I was laughing too. I mean, he told me the bear was there. I could hear it, but I didn’t see it until there was blood splattered all over the screen. I mean really, sneaking up behind me? How rude.
However, it didn’t matter, not one little bit. I had a blast and will certainly play again no matter how many times I get killed. I’m fairly sure my avatar has health insurance of some sort, and I hope the little snot named me as beneficiary in her will. We all know she will die a thousand deaths before I am through.
As for my gaming future? Yes, surprisingly enough, I think I actually plan to have one. My next adventure will be in Little Big Planet 2. I am reasonably sure that my sack girl will die more times than there are trees in the forest to make her little pine coffins, but its okay. I know I will have fun playing, even if I can’t jump on those bouncy things to save my life (curse you LBP1). When its all said and done, I am pretty good at racing games these days, even if I cant manage a level 1 t-shirt at Midway’s Frog Flinger game.
So lame gamer or not, my PS3 is a gaming console, and I thank the powers that be for adding something to it like Home so even lamers like myself can enjoy being really bad at video games while looking really great doing it!
March 25th, 2012 by Dlyrius | 31 comments
Dlyrius, a native Oregonian, has been an internet chat addict since the days of the old BBS services.
What a fun read! Thank you.
hehehe very welcome and happy you enjoyed it
hahaha hahaha omg dilly this must have taken u all week dills hahaha . very impressive . marks out 10 ? 20 hahaha .
yeh u did a grt job dilly . gamin is about fun n enjoyment . u express that quite clearly n i absolutely agree with u .
That’s my girl
The one we all know and love. C U in Home D.
Awesome job hun!You’re not the only one. lol! Great read!!!
hahahahaha XD what a story u got about gaming !!!
no1 is bad n everything. even n gaming, nobody sux n every game. am sure u just need 2 pick a game that fits u. my eldest sister is so bad n gaming but shes pretty good @ super mario & a game on pc called “cube hopper”.
LOL ok, I have to admit there is one game series I win more often than not… that is You Don’t Know Jack. I guess all those years of people watching and being glued to the tv paid off because my head is full of useless info LOL
I think Home is the perfect platform for games for the more casual gamers. They don’t all have to be “Pong” easy or “Call of Duty” hard. There is a middle ground. And Home is a place where a middle ground difficulty game can thrive. I hope something shows up for you soon.
deuce: thanks, I have enjoyed a few games on easy levels such at red dead redemption, modnation, and tiger woods golf. while I don’t always do really great at them, i do enjoy trying and its always good for a laugh
Does the pirate game help fill the middle ground? That was the goal.
LOL, I haven’t played it yet, but I am all dressed up for when I do
I remember Pong which I played a few times at a friends place.
Now Duck Hunt! I did all right at that one.
Romance of the Three Kingdoms was another I did all right at. I bought a later version at PS3 Store but haven’t tried it yet. I don’t think I’ll do well this time if I ever get around to it. No button mashing.
And that early football game which can still be bought at the PS3 Store as a download. I do OK with that if I pick the 49ers.
There’s so many buttons to choose from that it messes me up.
But the sports games which let me manage I do like such as PS3’s MLB The Show 2010 and NBA 2K12. Yup! You don’t have to do the button mashing, just manage and coach.
I enjoy building sports teams and if there’s not a manage mode then I’ll set the controller in the middle and watch the action. So there! Nuts to the buttons!!! (And slowed reflexes?)
Kid: it sounds like you found your calling!
Nice read Dlyrius, made me laugh a few times there too so you get extra kudos for managing to coax that outta me! It’s gamers like you that this industry really needs though, I know that might sound a little odd to you but hear me out…
Too many gamers (including myself at times) are hell-bent on perfection. Reaching that score, gaining that level, killing that boss without being touched for that trophy etc. A LOT of us have forgoten about fun. Nintendo is still trying to keep that ethos alive, and I hope they can because I had to re-evaluate my attitude to gaming just to get back to “having fun”. I’m not rubbing your face in it, but those ducks never stood a chance with me back in the day (in fact I got bored by stage 110 and switched off) but I think we both had about the same ammount of fun from it in the end. Saying that though, it’s not about how many trophies you’ve amassed or getting your name on the top spot of that board etc; it’s about “entertainment”. Having a laugh with friends, even at yourself is what’s importiant here.
I’ll stop prattling on about this coz you already said it best Dlyrius, so well done on a well written (and funny) article.
Krazy: you are so very welcome, I am glad you enjoyed it. Especially since it managed to coax a few giggles out of you, that is always a plus!
Think perhaps I should sign up for testers next season and see if I can win a spot on Sony’s production team as a game tester? LOL, I can only imagine the mounds of hair all over the floor of that office.. and it wouldn’t be mine *giggle*
I have to say I loved this tongue in cheek article Dlyrius! I have been playing games since their invention, the difference being I have never stopped. Some I was very good at and others not so much so, there are many I have finished and some that still sit there uncompleted. This is usually because when a game gets to become more like work to me than fun, I drop it like a hot potato. Fun is the essence of any good game, and if your focus becomes something different it is time to step back and rest from it and move on. I think you will find Red Dead to be a lot of fun, I finished the single player mode then went on to play it with friends online. It is the first multi-player online game I have ever played with friends actually and though I am never going to be the best at it, I got to the top of the experience level there at fifth legend.
Just keep on having fun and keep writing too, you definitely have a knack for it. Good read.
Thanks Burbie, I have been playing RDR in both single and multi-player since the first day. My friend that had the giggle fest over the bear mauling finished the game some time ago, so he knows everything about it and has been a most excellent guide. Now if they would just stop shooting my horse, I would be set LOL (and for the record, I have not shot my own horse… yet)
That was absolute perfection! I loved it, sadly because I am indeed a lamer. To be honest, when I first logged on to home, there was an Axe angel game in Central PLaza. My nephew had to do it for me, and he did it in one try. My early PS days involved 8 months, stop laughing, to complete Tomb Raider III. I am a lamer and proud of it. Many games I play are on easy, where as my aforementioned nephew struggles and succeeds at the same on expert or ultra ultra super hard.
I too am a good racer, namely Gran Turismo, but on other things, I lack the patience to sit there and see that familiar sign that reads “you died, try again” over and over and over and over… Very good article. Also a bit spooky to think of what my avi is doing right now when I’m not looking, hopefully he’s trying to add you to my friends list.This spoke to so many of us that are open out our lamerness and not of the mindset where we have to fake our god like status. I AM A LAMER!!!
LOL!!! You all have no idea how happy I am to know I am not the only lamer out there on home.. we really should start a club or something hehehehe
If somebbody starts a lamers club…send me an invite, I think I am the lamest of all, I actually paid for Blade II the game, thats pretty lame, I think that qualifies me as president actually…lol
u go girl!!! great and funny article
I think we all feel like a “lamer” sometimes! lol
Really great article, Dlyrius! It was fun, heartening, and hilarious! I loved hearing about all of your experiences with gaming, and I look forward to more articles by you.
I too remember the dog in Duck Hunt laughing and pointing at me.
Yet I rocked Contra with my lil brother! By the way, Dylrius, if you want to feel like the queen of gaming again (like you did with Pong), you can always head back over to the Bowling Alley and reap all of the rewards for Ice Breakers (if you don’t have them already)! 8D
Thanks anamri, so glad you liked it! as for icebreakers, tried it, totally sucked at it LOL!!
PS: i bought the fishing game space and have yet to catch a single fish.. my empty aquarium is mocking me just like that damn dog did so many years ago *chuckle*
Don’t feel bad I can’t catch any either, lol!
OMG, I have had some success with the fishing game. Dear friend of mine told me not to cast out so far, the fish will come to the bait and it makes it so much easier to reel them in
I’ve only got 5 to do before I get my free underwater apt, I’m so excited!
hey dilly I finally got 2 read this article and once again great job
and add me to the Lamers club cause I sux almost as bad as u do at games thats why racing dolphins is my thing which of course u have gotten everything and I still have a couple of things left to get so u actually not the worst gamer lol u at least beat me 
muah
LOL, I lived at Hudson for months day in and out… I dream that insane music there. I have faith in ya! You will finish before you know it!
Duck Hunt.. that evil laughing dog… yeah.. we all suffered the mockery..
And as for the last paragraph.. I laughed my noodles off!
LOL glad you enjoyed it, there is nothing quite like outing yourself to the world for getting a laugh