Gays in Home: The Survey
by DarthGranny, HSM team writer
Not the dictionary definition, but the reality: what exactly is prejudice? Perhaps the easiest way to understand it is when someone – individually or as a group – is hated for something over which they have no control. Skin color is the one most often cited in this discussion. Race – decided at birth – no choice. Mental retardation – no choice. Physical deformity – no choice. Obesity? Depends on whether or not you think a fat person has control over their weight or not. But sexual orientation – genetic wiring? No real choice? Society is gradually coming to believe that, as in the case of skin color, sexual orientation is genetic wiring and thus predetermined in the person’s DNA.
That blind unreasoning hatred we call ‘prejudice’ appears to be aimed at anyone who is different from one’s self. It is tribal behavior at its most primitive level. “If you are not in our tribe, you are to be feared.” So, even if we realize, logically, that skin color as an example is not something the person deliberately chose, the illogical tribal response of hatred towards the unknown may still prevail.
Home is a virtual reality. In Home a black person’s avatar can be white. The physically deformed can stand straight and tall. The morbidly obese can appear to be a slender young beauty. And a person’s avatar can represent their true sexual orientation if they so choose. As a dear friend once said to me, “In my heart, I have always known that I am a man. A man trapped for life inside a female body.”
So, in Home he is his inner self – a man of great poise and grace. No one knows. And it is no one’s business. He is not looking for a date!
But I thought it would be interesting to do a survey of others in Home who have faced the same decisions as my friend. So here are the questions he helped me write:
IN HOME:
1. When do you tell people you are gay (or bi)?
2. Do you cross-dress in Home?
3. Why are you in Home? What experiences are you looking for?
4. Have you been harassed by haters in Home?
5. Are you trying to find other gays in Home?
6. Do you spend most of your time in Home with other gays?
7. Have you formed lasting friendships in Home with people who are not gay?
8. How does being gay in Home compare with real life?
9. What interview questions do you wish I had asked?
The Consensus:
1. None of those surveyed are making a secret of being gay/bi.
2. About half of those surveyed cross-dress at least part of the time but none do it to mislead others.
3. Most of those surveyed are in Home for “games, fun, and socializing”.
4. 100% have been harassed to one degree or another in Home.
5. None of those surveyed are in Home to ‘hook up”. If they would like to meet other gays, it is for conversation.
6. Most of those surveyed spend the majority of their time with non-gays.
7. This is probably because 100% have formed lasting friendships with non-gays.
8. No consensus on how Home experiences compare to real life.
9. 100% are willing to share experiences and talk about their life in Home.
1. When do you tell people you are gay (or bi)?
A. Usually as soon as they send a Friend Request – but most can tell by my appearance. Usually they just blurt out “Are you gay?” *to anyone* – and I answer Yes –
B. Usually tell the girls when they think I am hitting on them. Really, get over yourselves. Sometimes hello is just hello. Usually confirm it when someone harasses me for what I am wearing.
C. Usually my avatar does it for me (See next question)
D. This is a tough one! Well I tend to talk to people and depending on what the conversation goes on and finish. (lol) I tend to ask sometimes. Or just do this: “Whoa! Look at that Hottie” Maybe he said “thanks” or said “wut!” lol
E. After guys hit on me asking “Why.” After i said “No.” haha
F. When asked, I tell. I have nothing to hide from anyone.
G. It normally comes up during casual conversation, or if some Homegirl hits on me.
H. Usually in every conversation with someone I meet, or converse with. I don’t like people getting the wrong idea. So I always try to get the point across that I’m not attracted to girls, and that I’m gay.
I. Everyone has. I’ve dressed as male on occasion, the Black Knight costume is only available as male. I dress as female, unless I want to be left alone. No one randomly talks to you at all if your dressed as a male, it’s actually really nice to have a reprieve from the male gaze.
2. Do you cross-dress in Home?
A – I don’t cross dress *much*
B. I did at first, not anymore.
C. I’m male-to-female pre-operative transgender in real life so I use a male avatar I try to make look like a girl. I do however use a female avatar too as I can get much closer to how I look that way.
D. Yes. But I do it for a lot of other reasons. I’m a fashionista and I tend to buy the latest from men and ladies. But the ladies got more; let said “Fashionable items” (lol). I got even some str8 friends that do it. hehehe.
E. Hell yes! Not often but I do. The virtual world is about playing dress up for me anyway, it makes no bearing in real life so who cares except the immature and the small-minded.
F. . Nope, never did.
G. I do — and I’m pretty good at it as well
H. I always have played as a girl avatar. Ever since I started home around 2 years ago, I have been playing as girls. Everyone has their own reasons why they do this, or that. Personally I do it because I do like clothes, and coming up with costumes/outfits. I don’t play as a girl because I want to eventually become a girl in reality, not my intentions. I don’t do it to make others assume I’m a girl or any other reasons others may have. I do it because it’s me, and it makes me happy.
I. Everyone has. I’ve dressed as male on occasion, the Black Knight costume is only available as male. I dress as female, unless I want to be left alone. No one randomly talks to you at all if your dressed as a male, it’s actually really nice to have a reprieve from the male gaze.
3. Why are you in Home? What experiences are you looking for?
A. In Home to have fun – make friends
B I like the social aspect, I’ve met some cool people, I like the environments, I like some of the games, I like the spaces, I like the avatar 3rd world chat room thing.
C. Same as anyone, just to quench my social thirst and meet people I normally wouldn’t.
D. I’m in Home because I love Gaming. I love Sony (sometimes I hate it, lol) and I love PlayStation! And for the other question. I don’t do Online relationships or anything formal through Home. But friends yeah! c’mon hehe
E. Just to hang out with people Gay or Not, Unless they’re gay hater then shun them
F. For fun and games and to meet new friends. I do spend slot of time in home alone but always meet up with those who request it. Home is about being social and I participate here and other websites. Having fun is my top priority in Home.
G. From the start, home reminded me of The Sims but to an extent that they provided things I would’ve liked to have seen in The Sims. I’m not looking for any particular experience but a general experience.
H. I joined home actually having no clue on what it even was. I started out doing glitches, and I was really big on those. I’ve went through my share of troubles/fams/etc in my whole two years. Really now, after everything I’ve experienced, I just want to be content and enjoy my free time on home with my good friends that I’ve made on there without having any worries.
I. I am in Home to relax and chat with people. Originally, I would have said I was looking for people to play games with outside of Home, but I don’t find many people that like RPGs and puzzle games, so that hasn’t really panned out. Now, I go in to chat with my friends, have a few laughs. Home also functions as a dollhouse of sorts, I have fun decorating my personal spaces.
4. Have you been harassed by haters in Home?
A. Harassed every day
B. OH GOD YES!!!
C. Yeah but I usually have a good come-back to their insults and quickly find flaws in any arguments they may bring up.
D. All the time! Being a Guy or a Girl! ugh T_T
E. Everyday.
F. Nope. I’ve come across haters but have never been bothered, my thick skin doesn’t allow them to get to me. I once had someone try to harass me but by the time I was done embarrassing them in front of their crew they all left the space.
G Who hasn’t?
H. Yes, and I’m sure there’s not one single person that can say they haven’t been. When I get harassed, it’s mainly because I tell people I’m really a guy and not a girl and using a female avatar. At times, I would think people would be happy I told the truth about myself. But I guess it’s still a shock to some people, because I can play it well without even really trying.
I. Who hasn’t? The best thing to do is just ignore anyone saying things that you don’t agree with. They are looking to get a rise out of you and I won’t give them what they want. Someone calls me a lesbian almost every time I get on Home, but I think that’s true for most women. <sarcasm> The only possible reason you could be ignoring a male avatar is that you are a lesbian, not that you’re away from the keyboard, or they have no social skills, or your sick of “Hello” every two steps you take, or the worst, no keyboard. </sarcasm>
5. Are you trying to find other gays in Home?
A. Here to meet fellow PS3’ers – gay/str8/bi – doesn’t matter – unless they hate gay’s – then – well – “bye bye”
B. Would be nice, not for dating purposes just for the sake to socialize.
C. Yes, actually. I feel more comfortable around other Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgender individuals as they are there to help support me if I get in a bad spot.
D. I do and I don’t, at the same time. In my opinion a lot but not all of gay people have too much drama. I hate DRAMA X_X ugh! lol
E. Yes, not trying to hook up or anything I’m just more relaxed around lesbians, bi, or gay.
F. Not particularly, I’m just social so the gays I meet know that it’s not an issue and that my expectations are only to have a good time.
G. I don’t. I’m not a flamboyant gay, though I’m out of the closet, and just about every gay guy I’ve met on home was over the top. I don’t knock styles but these same guys were the types that assume just because you’re another gay guy that you’re their type enough
H. It’s not that I’m trying to make a whole new set of gay friends on home. It would be nice to find some since I only know one personally on my list who’s gay.
I. No, only a small percentage of my friends are gay. Also, I don’t really think that many of the female avatars on home are really lesbians. Perhaps I’m jaded, but if someone specifically told me they were a lesbian upon meeting them, I probably wouldn’t really believe them. Lesbians are a very small percentage of the female population in real life.
6. Do you spend most of your time in Home with other gays?
A. I spend most of my time with friends – gay or gay friendly
B. Haven’t met many yet unfortunately and the ones i have met are hardly ever on.
C. Pretty much
D. No. The only gay guy in my list is JP Conway oh Hai JP! *hugs*
E. Not really just my str8 friends only have a few gay’s or bi on my friends list.
F. I hang with everybody gay or not, preference or lifestyle is not an issue.
G. . I don’t — I spend time with anyone I can vibe with on a regular, friendly level.
H. Actually no, since I stated above, I only have one gay friend on home. Most of my friends are straight or bi.
I. At first I said ‘No’, but in all fairness, I don’t know the sexual orientation of most of my friends on Home. I just assume straight. It’s not really relevant to the conversations that I have on Home.
7. Have you formed lasting friendships in Home with people who are not gay?
A. Oh heck yeah – Ms J – Sharon – Shawn – Twist – 3D – to name but just a few
B. Yes I have and most of them know and are cool with it.
C. If you aren’t a homophobe I already consider you a friend, but yes I have friends who are straight or bi-curious.
D. Yes I do. I got friends that have being friends with me since 2006 when the PSN and PS3 arrive.
E. Yes actually, with a guy
F. Yep, I’m drama free so I’ve bonded with a few people who I can say are real friends who really like me for me.
G. Quite a few, actually.
H. Most of my friendships are with people are not of the gay community. They’re some of the best people I’ve met on home usually. Here as of recently, if it wasn’t for my friends Raiden, Lei, Horo, Black, and the others who know who they are. I wouldn’t be home anymore, to be honest.
I. Yes, I have many friends who are straight. What’s more important is having hobbies or interests in common. You have to have something to talk about!
8. How does being gay in Home compare with real life?
A. I get harassed more in Home than in RL – but then I don’t hang around much in any one place in RL
B. Well in my case, I don’t wear the clothes I wear on there in real life, lol, and harassment in HOME is genuinely pathetic and mostly by pubescent troglodytes who can’t formulate a complete thought.
C. It’s both worse and better at the same time. I’m not in danger of getting beaten up or even killed, however since there’s not really any consequences you get a lot more people who have nothing better to do than offend you for it.
D. Well I think being (Bi in my position, more gay; I love Guys more!)is a reflection of myself in real life.
In Home is easy being who we are; not too much in real life.
E. Well in home I get harassed more than ever, real life eh.
F. I have no agenda in Home, I don’t even think about being gay in home. I’m all about the fun and games!
G. In real life, the gay bashing can be physical, can come from anyone — even a drunk and belligerent friend. In Home, I can ignore someone who’s being belligerent. At the same time, from what I’ve seen, Home gays are more flamboyant and there’s a hell of a lot of lesbians. LOL!! The gays I know irl, while they’re just as comfortable and out of the closet as I am, they’re also more conservative.
H. Well I think just as dealing in real life, as you do on home. You deal with judgment when telling people you are the way you are. So that’s probably one of more similar things I can see between being gay in home and not in home. The only upside is, you never have to actually deal with it face to face since they’re behind their tvs.
I. It’s completely different yet it’s exactly the same. I am completely out in my real life, but I’m only mostly out on Home. I don’t hide it, but I don’t wear it on my sleeve either. To me that is more a factor of my age than anything else. When I was young I wanted to be identified as a lesbian by the world. That desire has faded with age.
There are no consequences to what happens in Home. If someone were to call me a slur on Home, I really don’t care. If it happens in the real world, it could potentially turn physical. In my experience, people on Home are a lot more homophobic than people in the real world. If they are, they keep it to themselves in the real world.
9. What interview questions do you wish I had asked?
A. Not many more – hard to scroll up n down – I could break a nail – for gosh sakes!!!!!!!!!!!
B. Where would be a good place for gays to hang out? answer: Sodium Hub is my vote. Would I like to see more gay friendly environments, events or Items? HELL YES!!! I’D BUY IT
C. If I’d like to see some LGBT support items in Home.
D. Are you gay or bi? (Although this question is personal but its ok)
– Do you attend gay events on Home?
– Do you have Any gay clubs? Are you part of any other one?
E Any thing I’m game.
F. In my real life people know they can ask me anything and I can be honest to a fault. I’ve had many people pick my brain on the issue of sexuality. You can ask away DG!
G. I can’t think of anything. I wouldn’t mind being interviewed; in fact, no one’s ever interviewed me before and I wouldn’t mind enlightening a few people on my own, personal views.
H. I think you about covered it to me, personally.
I. How long have you been on Home? I’ve been on Home since open Beta, so about 4 years, I think. Not sure if that also gives me a different (i.e. more jaded) perspective.
IN CONCLUSION:
Usually, I would write my own conclusions at the end of an article like this one, but one of the respondents sent this heart-felt addition which was just too good to omit.
“In regards to your article, I wanted to give you some more feed back on this issue. My experience in HOME began about 2 years ago and I wasn’t very active within the game. After a year of absence I saw the expansions and improvements and became more active than ever before.
I remained anonymous at first even trying different avatars and genders, and the reactions from people really sparked me to make a stand. You were right in your comment about unchecked hatred and hostility. Home gives many of these players a safe anonymity which allows them to be racist, homophobic or just downright prejudiced. I could have remained as anonymous as the rest and even chosen to use a female avatar completely, but I decided to make my avatar as close to the real me as possible and get creative with the clothes I wore to make my sexual orientation apparent.
I’ve read post after post on the forums when the issue has come up and the same recurring masked animosity kept resurfacing. Home is family friendly, home is for gamers, sexual orientation shouldn’t come up, its nobody’s business…etc. yet in such a “family friendly” place you have sexually explicit content in the options SONY and 3rd parties develop for the users. As in revealing attire that no under-age player should or would ever use in real life. Yet it’s permissible in a virtual space. Is virtual sex any more immoral than in real life?
As a gay man I have never identified myself by my sexual orientation, but have been identified by our society’s identification of what a gay man is. Sexual orientation has been an issue because only gays and lesbians are so segregated by what the norm dictates to be abnormal or what makes us different. You don’t see that with heterosexuals. Heterosexuals don’t identify themselves by their sexual orientation. It only becomes necessary when you are anything but a heterosexual.
Being ethnic I am further segregated because of that. I not only become labeled into a Hispanic or Latino subgroup, but further segregated into a smaller group of Homosexual. In real life you have to deal with those issues constantly, with family, coworkers and friends. You constantly worry even being “openly” gay about harassment and public opinion, whether you want to or not.
In home I suppose the anonymity helps in a way to safe guard you and even empower you. I can be harassed and take it lightly in a virtual space because I know it is someone who is either immature or a real coward that uses the separation from reality to lash out.
It hurts far deeper in real life I can tell you that. I have chosen in this space to get creative with the outfits, name my Dolphys Harvy Milk, and QWER PR!DE because I can’t be as open in real life. So most of the time it is seen as aggressive and pushy because its a result of the frustration of real life, and having to safe guard my identify and the labels that are going to be inevitable placed on you for who you are or what you are or what you do or don’t do that’s deemed normal.
I can deal with the harassment in HOME, even incite it at times because it is a virtual space, and there’s always that fall back, “its just a game” and so NOT real, but if I argue the issue in reality it comes with greater consequences. So as with the anonymous racist, homophobe, and bigots that use home to lash out, I too use it I suppose when confronted to lash back. “
September 4th, 2011 by keara22hi | 10 comments
Keara is also known in Home as DarthGranny. She is a wicked little old lady with a wild sense of humor.
9 people responded to this survey. I assigned an alphabet letter to each. So, all of the A answers came from Home user ‘A’ and so on. I leave it up to each if they wish to identify themselves in this comment section. As promised, I will never reveal names of sources.
Whether they do or not, it takes a lot of courage to step forward and talk freely about personal, social issues, and how they tie into Home. I am proud to be a part of and to serve an organization such as HSM, who provides such an outlet for the community.
As I mentioned in my comments under Issue 7, the topic of the GLBT community is one I hold very dear, and I applaud those members of the Home community who volunteered to take part of this survey.
Read all the responses -- can relate to most -- if not all. Wait -- I know for sure Home user “A” cause that’s me
JPConway
While I think asking the Home community and sub-groups of the Home community questions is a great idea,I’ve done survey’s on my own before occasionally just to get better ideas about how ppl really feel on a topic,I would like to point out that question #4 could probably be answered yes by everyone on Home whether Homosexual or not.I’m not 100% sure about this but I think every one of us has run into a “hater” at 1 time or another and probably been the receipient of their “attentions”.I totally understand the idea being talked about in the last paragraphs.While I do view Home as something more than a game,hence some of my concerns over it’s new direction,I do view interactions with randoms as entertainment.So if a random were to harrass me on Home I would have a really hard time taking it seriously and would have fun with the situation,usually at the harrassers expense.Also I’m not too sure 9 ppl’s viewpoints are representative of an entire sub-group,I’d like to see more ppl of this group answer this survey.I too like to see ppl talking freely and openly about personal or social issues that affect Homes users.There’s nothing like asking questions to get ppl thinking,I personally would like to see other “controversial” topics handled in a similiar fashion.
What would “gay friendly environments” be? Are there “gay hostile environments” now?
Take your pick. lol
I think that, as someone who put up with a lot of unreasoning prejudice in my life, all I wanted was neutral territory where I would be treated like everyone else. I suspect that a lot of gays feel that way too = it means not being singled out for special treatment of any kind, friendly OR hostile.
Agreed Granny.
There are some gay people out there that may live in communities and within families that would make life absolutely impossible for them to ‘come out’ so to risk prejudice and maybe scorn. They come out openly in virtual worlds. It makes them feel comfortable, they can find and relate to or even feel comfortable in their own community online. And the anonymity of which home Offers, gives them that extra safeguard and reassurance. Perhaps being open Online is alot easier than in real life, because if anyone in the gay community can come across a ‘hater’ then he or she can simply mute, ignore, or switch off their playstation 3’s and not worry about it, because its a much different story in the real world.
wow. here i was just flipping threw old stories then stumbled across one of granny’s i missed. WOW! thank you, hun. this was wonderful. i landed up reading it three times one after another. for those that know me, im an odd little woman. former stand up back in the early eighties. a way of fighting back for my height (4’6″) which was always ridiculed, besides my horrid voice. but coming from a horrific background of abuse all the way to childhood, i HAVE gone both ways, as it were. pretty much since ive found more comfort from my own gender most of the time. now, that doesnt mean im just ‘lez’ as the morons like to put it out there. i was married for 21 years, and had three children (one of which i sadly have lost). ive had many loves on the internet, mainly because of my size and insecurities makes it difficult for me to want physical relationships in real life. as on home. ive had two boy freinds and two girlfreinds; the last i am married to on home, and VERY happily. we may never meet in real life, but we are each others support and happyness. our own ‘safety nets’, so to speak. and ive also got numerous freinds both gay and straight on home. some know, some dont. its just the odd way i am, i dont think about it. if someone asked, i’d answer. but for the most part, my quirky behaviour is accepted, as well as my ‘wife’ on here….who is as odd and insane as i am. loool. and what the heck is with guys blubbering out ‘LEZ’S’ when two girls are chatting? one of my best friends, diva, is as straight as can be, but adores me and my wife, and she has heard us called that soooo many times. pffft. the childishness of a small mind. oh well, what do you do. lool. WOO HOO!!