Home As An Extension — Or Escape?
by Gideon, HSM team writer
It has been attested that Home is a haven for the unwanted and unable, therapy for the tormented and meek and a place for people to be their true selves, without the burden of reality weighing them down. Many avid users contend that Home has a social structure that is as varied and complex as those found in the physical world, which many users escape through the virtual society of Home. In this virtual world, users can be open and honest about whom they are. They can unleash their problems upon compassionate ears and find individuals who want, more than anything, to help their fellow Home player with their real world issues.
There is, however, another side to this shiny – and infinitely valuable – coin.
There are those within Home that do not indulge in the social musings like many of the avid users. They do not see Home as a place to come and share their problems or be who they aren’t in the real world. Home, to them, is a place to come and meet fellow gamers and hopefully find a like-minded individual or twenty that they can become friends with and have fun with whenever they get the notion of escapism.
Some users are looking for some swashbuckling fun!
This form of escapism is not unlike the experience many look for other games that can be bought through the PSN or from a brick-and-mortar store. Games provide many a getaway from the monotony of everyday life. They allow a gamer to take on another persona, forget their troubles, and be someone else for a while. Whether that someone else be a Helghan hunting agent of the ISA, a Blades of Chaos wielding demi-god out for revenge, a sackcloth caricature out to explore the wonders of Craftworld, or an avatar checking out what’s new in the Exclusives store, they are looking to achieve the same thing: to take on a different persona, if only for a short period of time.
The ability to lose oneself in an experience is an invaluable trait of entertainment and there are many, many times the users of Home remove this suspension of self from its society. Not everyone who visits Home want to bring, or is emotionally capable of bringing their real world problems to seek help and take solace in the presence of their friends.
This is where the sharing-centric structure of much of Home’s society begins to ostracize certain users. Many people within Home expect and demand that interpersonal connection with those they meet. If an individual isn’t coming into Home to share their personal problems and unload their fears and anxieties, there may be times they could be shunned or ignored for not being open enough. It isn’t unheard of for friendships, or groups of friends, to dissolve under heated stress of debates and arguments because an individual was suspected of being less-than forthright about their avatar’s real-world counterpart.
It is important to note that there is a difference between anonymity and deception when it comes to these individuals.
Even if a user wishes not to divulge their personal information to those they meet, there is still a certain amount of respect that they must have for the societal norms of Home and its dwellers. Within Home, when someone adds you to their friends list it is understood that there will be a certain level of transparency and honesty that will be exchanged. At the most basic level, this personal information consists of the standard set of Home statistics: Age, Sex, Location and Name. These four personal factoids are readily shared by some, and are safely guarded by others. If a user asks a fellow Home dweller how old they are and they are left with their question unanswered, there may be times the inquirer would choose to peruse that friendship no further. Why should they? If a person can’t divulge simple information such as their age, how trustworthy can that individual be?
This pressure to share their personal life inevitably leads some guarded users to resort to what is one of the foulest transgressions within Home’s society, dishonesty among friends.
It is almost universally accepted among the regular users that outright deception from individuals seeking to cultivate a worthwhile friendship is frowned upon. To knowingly give false information to people who should be considered friends is taking advantage of the trust that those friends have put in you. Providing misleading information might also be considered purposefully provoking others to share their personal information under false pretenses.
There is very little that is more emotionally damaging within Home’s society than the feeling of betrayal a user may feel when they discover one of their best friends isn’t exactly who they have made themselves out to be. These relationships can’t be taken lightly because of the large portion of Home’s society who does use the service to forge truly interpersonal connections with others from around the globe. Unfortunately, as these things tend to be, this issue is not painted with a shade of white or black but is marred by an infinite variety of grays, which are as unique as the individuals visiting Home.
Are these users male or female. More importantly: Should it matter?
Consider the possibility of a user, who let’s say identifies themselves with the opposite gender (transgender). They may not feel comfortable divulging their physical gender to their Home friends because they prefer to be treated as their emotional gender. Would it be considered malicious deception to tell new friends who ask them their real-life gender that they are their emotionally identified gender and not their physical gender? Home is paraded as a destination of acceptance and understanding. Does that understanding only extend to the public happenings of Home? Is full and unfaltering disclosure expected from friends within Home while in private one-on-one conversation? If so, how soon should one fully divulge themselves to their virtually met friends and be forced out of their own personal level of comfort?
Some may argue that this sort of information discretion has no place in friendships, but to think a friendship is only crafted out of transparency is a practice of faulty understanding. A friendship can be crafted with only one common factor between two individuals, and on Home every user is provided a connecting medium – Home itself.
When meeting a new friend, it is important to recognize that they have the privilege of ambiguity, and even if it goes against the sociological norms of Home, no one has the right to take that away from them.
It is understood that many regular users access Home and use the program as a tool to cope with physical, emotional and psychological difficulties. They confide in their friends and find understanding in open ears and willing hearts. Through all the acceptance that is available from the society of Home, the issue of obscurity is seen, by many, as a friendship-breaker. An individual’s desire for privacy shouldn’t mean they have less right to have friends within Home, or should enjoy Home less than those that use the service as a resting place for their real-world troubles.
It is important to understand that there are users out there who, even through the guise of Home, are still not fully comfortable walking up to random players to begin a conversations, or to blindly send friend requests to avatars they find interesting. They might browse the forums without posting, read articles or overhear conversations where people speak of their most intimate issues openly and feel as if they, with their inability and unwillingness to put themselves out there, even virtually, do not belong.
Like it or not, sharing of oneself is a big part of the culture of Home.
While it is true, that at some point, in order to nurture any sort of a virtual friendship, a person must be willing to expose themselves in one way or another. It is vital that every individual let those whom they consider to be friends in on the specific attributes that make up their individual persona. The problem some users face, is reaching that point of mutual sharing and trust.
This is likely to be the most difficult personality trait for someone in Home to possess, since the society which has developed seems, at times, reliant on such personal exposure for continued friendship. It is just as likely that those with this particular personality trait will leave Home than open up to prospective friends.
If these exposure-challenged users are met with animosity and arrogance when they first come or return to Home, there is a very real likelihood they will fall into one of the more precarious social groups. Many of these groups are eager to accept anyone who is willing to fall into line and perpetuate their group’s ideals, no matter the negative effect it has on its members or other users.
Another result of a cold shoulder is the cultivation of disdain within these individuals toward the very people they tried to befriend, which will ultimately twist the user into what is commonly known as a troll. How many users, who simply want to play their favorite game with a new friend, resort to mass random game invites? Out of hopelessness, others are likely to depress the PS button on their Dualshock3 controller and quit Home all together.
One could argue that there is a responsibility that falls upon the shoulders of the individuals that do use Home’s society as a means of coping with their real-world difficulties: the responsibility of acceptance. The regular and passionate users of Home ought to see themselves as ambassadors for their favorite virtual world and each individual they meet as potential citizens. Each encounter could be the make or break meeting for that particular user, and each user that returns to Home builds the user base, which builds the exposure and success of Home.
Each Home user has their own reasons for visiting Home. What's yours?
Just because someone seems awkward or detached doesn’t mean they don’t have something of worth to add to Home’s culture. A user who isn’t looking to share their life story could be more than willing to create their own story and personal history within Home, without the burden of their real life weighting them down. Many of these individuals, who may be new to Home or veterans, might be going unnoticed as they keep to themselves, buried in the corners of the theater, sitting quietly on a bench in Central or looking for someone to start up a game in the lounge. They might be watching the various arguments and conversations waiting and wondering if this virtual world, full of its drama and expectations, might be a place they will someday be able to truly call home.
August 18th, 2011 by Gideon | 8 comments
Gideon is a team writer for HomeStation Magazine and likes cheese in all its forms. Whether it be block, slice, cream, wheel, log, string or aerosol, Gideon cant resist the pungent bitter taste of good cheese. Heck, he'll even take mediocre cheese, as long as its slapped between two pieces of whole wheat bread with a little bit of mustard.
Incredible insight Gideon. I think this is something that has needed to be explored and said for a long time. I know many people who have felt betrayed by friends who turned out to be other than they purported to be, but I agree that not everyone can be as forthcoming as others. Even though we are in a virtual world, we still need to take into consideration that the people behind the avatars are only an extension of their true selves. Some shy, some outgoing, some weak, some strong, yet all undeniably human, as full of faults and failings as their real counterparts. My philosophy in life has always been a fairly simple one, let people be people and accept them, warts and all. We all fail, but hopefully we also strive to learn and grow from our mistakes and, most importantly, we move on. We must all consider each new user we meet to be a potential candidate for friendship or at least be cordial and accepting of their differences and feelings. If this becomes the norm in Home it will become a much sought after and happier place.
Very nice article, Gideon. Both Johneboy’s article and this one highlights something that isn’t talked about much and that is tolerence and understanding. I have seen many an arguement over the things you mention.
If someone wanted to keep their real life info. private there is a way to do it without deceiving other ppl.Simply saying that they aren’t comfy divulging that info. is a much more respectful way to go about things than to just make stuff up.Not only have I seen friendships end over lies told but I have been the 1 doing the ending on occasion.Each case is different but generally the longer we have been friends,the nature of the deceptive facts,the nature of how the truth came to light,and the real reason/s for the deception/s in the 1st place all play a factor in whether I continue the friendship or not.Of course ppl have a right to keep w/e they wish private but I don’t believe that privacy gives anyone the right to intentionally deceive friends.Having said that,once the deception/s are known to me I then have to decide if the deception was of a serious enough nature to end the friendship sometimes it is,sometimes it isn’t.Also I should make it clear that I’m talking about friends here,not ppl you are just meeting.Also I’m not talking about omissions of facts,like having multiple accounts that idk and haven’t asked about,I’m just talking about outright lies here.
On the internet people often like to have a place to go to meet people and make friends or at least have conversations. I’ve done it myself although not s much as I used to.
The difference with Home and other places I’ve been is that in Home I can see where I’m going and what other people are wearing. It’s an interesting experience.
(I have not participated in other worlds with graphics that may be out there.)
Gideon, 1stly, Great read! you do bring up some valid points. I have a friend on Home, who has become paranoid, and incredibly cautious whenever he meets people, this has been the cause of an earlier betrayal. Yes, Home is not E Harmony, but there will be times that real world feelings may spill out onto Home, and trust me, as a Second life user also, and probably for the many SL users reading this that also use Home will tell you) it CAN and WILL happen. So, my friend (I’ll just call him ‘Dave’) now takes it upon himself to ‘Out’ males posing as female avatars, with his insistance and view, that if a girl doesnt use ‘Mic’ or refuses webcam chat, she is instantly dubbed a ‘Dude’. To be honest, all of these things don’t matter to me, but it very much matters to HIM. Home should be a place where you can be as free as you like to experiment with who you are and if you are a male that wants to roleplay as a female avatar, then so be it. You can act out a fantasy, you can do things that in some part you wished you could do in the real world. There shouldn’t have to be consequences. You shouldn’thave to be made to feel guilty over it either. And what of the real life females that play as themselves? (perhaps even prettier than their real world counterparts?) They might not want to ‘Voice’ or use webcam chat, for one, they may only have just met you. The other is it probably makes them feel uncomfortable in talking to strangers, or maybe not use Voice or cam at all. The last thing they want is the humiliation of being called a ‘dude’ for it. And for some of the girls out there, you don’t have to dodge that request of using ‘Mic’ or cam with that lame excuse of ‘Its broken’ because it’s OK to say NO.
You don’t have to divulge every personal detail to every stranger you meet either. (for one it is against Sony’s Terms Of Service) and the other is a personal Horror story; A friend on 2nd Life met a guy and they started talking awhile. Havent even met only a month. She arranged for him to pick her up from her place to go on a date, gave him her real life number and real life address. Before she could even get herself ready, the man in question was at the door, she opened the door and within moments, she was badly beaten and raped. Now she doesnt divulge ANYTHING about herself online again. So, again girls its YOUR virtual world, you can always say no. And NO should mean NO. otherwise hit the REPORT button. But dont be put off by Home, its a great experience, to me, from a 2nd Life user’s perspective, Home is just this infant that is always growing and I’m curious as to which direction it will go into. It’s this curiousity that brought me here in the first place.
I have a female friend that states the following up front:
1. I am married.
2. I don’t do Voice Chat.
3. I don’t do Web Cams.
My friend told me this within the first few minutes of my meeting her. I had not requested to know her marital status, nor had I inquired about voice chat or web cams. I think she is a great person, and I also think that she is wise to set limitations on certain activities; since her spouse is not comfortable with her engaging in voice chat or cams with men. She is a married woman that enjoys playing in the virtual world. Her view is that Voice Chat, and Web Cams create a bridge that connects the virtual world to the real world. Some people come to HOME to enjoy the virtual world, and they may not choose to mix the virtual and the real. It is presumptuous to expect a person to satisfy requests for personal information, when the requestor has nothing more than a superficial connection to the person. It is outrageous to expect a person to submit to a voice chat or a web cam session, when the requestor has not established anything more than a superficial acquaintance with the other person. In my observations of HOME I have noticed that females are constantly asked to “prove” themselves to males, who show nothing more than a superficial interest in them.
The situation you observe is a direct result of many ppl being friends with some1 for months then popping the gender switch-a-roo on them.I agree that ppl just meeting,and even just casual acquintances,shouldn’t have to mic up to prove themselves but if I’m friends with some1 for months or years the last thing I want to find out is that I’ve been seriously deceived by that friend.It’s this reason that I no longer allow mic-less friends to become anything more than acquintances.All my close friends now have mics because of the gender confusion issues I experienced during my 1st days on Home.ANYONE that thinks they truely know the gender of someone they’ve never heard or seen is fooling themselves.Now if a friend came right out and told me they were playing gender games near the start of the friendship I’d have no problem with it,it’s the deception to friends used to hide the gender switching game that I find most repulsive,not the role-playing game they are playing.Heck,if they came clean and told me during the “feeling out” process of the friendship I would probably play along.The above also applies to ppl that only use a mic-changer as well,a mic with it on doesn’t tell me squat about gender.In the case of your married friend,I’d say she did the honest and honorable thing.She set the limits right at the start and gave you the option to decide for yourself if you still wanted to be friends with those limits.Now let’s say she never told you she was married after you had asked her if she was and after 6 or 7 months you started to develop real feelings towards her then she finally told you about the husband and kids.Would you not feel deceived?Like you had wasted all that time with her?That you could’ve used that time to find more trustworthy friends? That’s the type of deception that makes ppl mad and then turns them into the type of person that wants mic or cam at the 1st meeting.It’s a saftey valve for their sanity that gets taken too far,I see no reason that they must know strangers and barely known ppl’s true gender but I think a very strong case can be made that when it comes to very close friends that share real life info. with each other secrets like this can and often do destroy friendships.
I understand that past experiences effect future behavior. Having said that I understand why some guys ask females to submit to the mic/cam test to prove their “authenticity”. But understanding why someone behaves a certain way is not the same as saying the behavior is justified. Applying the mic/cam test to a female that one only has a superficial acquaintance with is unjustified, and perhaps even sexist. I have never seen a male ask another male to “prove” that he is a male. The mic/cam test is a test that seems to be overwhelmingly applied to females. Could it be that the mic/cam test for “un-proven” females is a discriminatory practice, which is widely accepted within the HOME community? In regard to gender and deception, I try to keep in mind that HOME is a virtual environment, and that people are free to select their gender; which may or may not correspond to their real world gender. Since I do not get involved in intimate friendships in HOME, it does not make any difference to me what a person’s real gender happens to be. But in the case of an intimate friendship, I think that it is fair to reveal one’s true gender, due to the nature of the friendship. There are varying degrees of friendship. Just because a person is on a friend’s list, does not mean that they are obligated to reveal –what they feel is- sensitive information. There are friends that you have fun with, share ideas with, just hang out with. There are friends that you share your hurts, insecurities, and darkest secrets with. All friends are not created equal. I believe the release of sensitive information should be done over time, as the friendship grows. True friendships rarely spring up overnight. But one can ask some questions in the early stages of a developing friendship which will help one avoid making a big investment in something that will never work. On my third date with my wife (23 years ago), I told her that I was looking for a relationship, and I asked her if that was something that she was open to. In the virtual world, I believe people should establish friendships first, and then ask – what they believe to be- the real pertinent questions sooner, rather than much later.