Comments on: Home As An Extension — Or Escape?

By: Nehemiah_1314

Nehemiah_1314 — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 21:22:56 +0000

I understand that past experiences effect future behavior. Having said that I understand why some guys ask females to submit to the mic/cam test to prove their “authenticity”. But understanding why someone behaves a certain way is not the same as saying the behavior is justified. Applying the mic/cam test to a female that one only has a superficial acquaintance with is unjustified, and perhaps even sexist. I have never seen a male ask another male to “prove” that he is a male. The mic/cam test is a test that seems to be overwhelmingly applied to females. Could it be that the mic/cam test for “un-proven” females is a discriminatory practice, which is widely accepted within the HOME community? In regard to gender and deception, I try to keep in mind that HOME is a virtual environment, and that people are free to select their gender; which may or may not correspond to their real world gender. Since I do not get involved in intimate friendships in HOME, it does not make any difference to me what a person’s real gender happens to be. But in the case of an intimate friendship, I think that it is fair to reveal one’s true gender, due to the nature of the friendship. There are varying degrees of friendship. Just because a person is on a friend’s list, does not mean that they are obligated to reveal –what they feel is- sensitive information. There are friends that you have fun with, share ideas with, just hang out with. There are friends that you share your hurts, insecurities, and darkest secrets with. All friends are not created equal. I believe the release of sensitive information should be done over time, as the friendship grows. True friendships rarely spring up overnight. But one can ask some questions in the early stages of a developing friendship which will help one avoid making a big investment in something that will never work. On my third date with my wife (23 years ago), I told her that I was looking for a relationship, and I asked her if that was something that she was open to. In the virtual world, I believe people should establish friendships first, and then ask – what they believe to be- the real pertinent questions sooner, rather than much later.

By: cthulu93

cthulu93 — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 22:05:28 +0000

The situation you observe is a direct result of many ppl being friends with some1 for months then popping the gender switch-a-roo on them.I agree that ppl just meeting,and even just casual acquintances,shouldn’t have to mic up to prove themselves but if I’m friends with some1 for months or years the last thing I want to find out is that I’ve been seriously deceived by that friend.It’s this reason that I no longer allow mic-less friends to become anything more than acquintances.All my close friends now have mics because of the gender confusion issues I experienced during my 1st days on Home.ANYONE that thinks they truely know the gender of someone they’ve never heard or seen is fooling themselves.Now if a friend came right out and told me they were playing gender games near the start of the friendship I’d have no problem with it,it’s the deception to friends used to hide the gender switching game that I find most repulsive,not the role-playing game they are playing.Heck,if they came clean and told me during the “feeling out” process of the friendship I would probably play along.The above also applies to ppl that only use a mic-changer as well,a mic with it on doesn’t tell me squat about gender.In the case of your married friend,I’d say she did the honest and honorable thing.She set the limits right at the start and gave you the option to decide for yourself if you still wanted to be friends with those limits.Now let’s say she never told you she was married after you had asked her if she was and after 6 or 7 months you started to develop real feelings towards her then she finally told you about the husband and kids.Would you not feel deceived?Like you had wasted all that time with her?That you could’ve used that time to find more trustworthy friends? That’s the type of deception that makes ppl mad and then turns them into the type of person that wants mic or cam at the 1st meeting.It’s a saftey valve for their sanity that gets taken too far,I see no reason that they must know strangers and barely known ppl’s true gender but I think a very strong case can be made that when it comes to very close friends that share real life info. with each other secrets like this can and often do destroy friendships.

By: Nehemiah_1314

Nehemiah_1314 — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 19:41:07 +0000

I have a female friend that states the following up front:
1. I am married.
2. I don’t do Voice Chat.
3. I don’t do Web Cams.
My friend told me this within the first few minutes of my meeting her. I had not requested to know her marital status, nor had I inquired about voice chat or web cams. I think she is a great person, and I also think that she is wise to set limitations on certain activities; since her spouse is not comfortable with her engaging in voice chat or cams with men. She is a married woman that enjoys playing in the virtual world. Her view is that Voice Chat, and Web Cams create a bridge that connects the virtual world to the real world. Some people come to HOME to enjoy the virtual world, and they may not choose to mix the virtual and the real. It is presumptuous to expect a person to satisfy requests for personal information, when the requestor has nothing more than a superficial connection to the person. It is outrageous to expect a person to submit to a voice chat or a web cam session, when the requestor has not established anything more than a superficial acquaintance with the other person. In my observations of HOME I have noticed that females are constantly asked to “prove” themselves to males, who show nothing more than a superficial interest in them.

By: CheekyGuy

CheekyGuy — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 05:01:16 +0000

Gideon, 1stly, Great read! you do bring up some valid points. I have a friend on Home, who has become paranoid, and incredibly cautious whenever he meets people, this has been the cause of an earlier betrayal. Yes, Home is not E Harmony, but there will be times that real world feelings may spill out onto Home, and trust me, as a Second life user also, and probably for the many SL users reading this that also use Home will tell you) it CAN and WILL happen. So, my friend (I’ll just call him ‘Dave’) now takes it upon himself to ‘Out’ males posing as female avatars, with his insistance and view, that if a girl doesnt use ‘Mic’ or refuses webcam chat, she is instantly dubbed a ‘Dude’. To be honest, all of these things don’t matter to me, but it very much matters to HIM. Home should be a place where you can be as free as you like to experiment with who you are and if you are a male that wants to roleplay as a female avatar, then so be it. You can act out a fantasy, you can do things that in some part you wished you could do in the real world. There shouldn’t have to be consequences. You shouldn’thave to be made to feel guilty over it either. And what of the real life females that play as themselves? (perhaps even prettier than their real world counterparts?) They might not want to ‘Voice’ or use webcam chat, for one, they may only have just met you. The other is it probably makes them feel uncomfortable in talking to strangers, or maybe not use Voice or cam at all. The last thing they want is the humiliation of being called a ‘dude’ for it. And for some of the girls out there, you don’t have to dodge that request of using ‘Mic’ or cam with that lame excuse of ‘Its broken’ because it’s OK to say NO.
You don’t have to divulge every personal detail to every stranger you meet either. (for one it is against Sony’s Terms Of Service) and the other is a personal Horror story; A friend on 2nd Life met a guy and they started talking awhile. Havent even met only a month. She arranged for him to pick her up from her place to go on a date, gave him her real life number and real life address. Before she could even get herself ready, the man in question was at the door, she opened the door and within moments, she was badly beaten and raped. Now she doesnt divulge ANYTHING about herself online again. So, again girls its YOUR virtual world, you can always say no. And NO should mean NO. otherwise hit the REPORT button. But dont be put off by Home, its a great experience, to me, from a 2nd Life user’s perspective, Home is just this infant that is always growing and I’m curious as to which direction it will go into. It’s this curiousity that brought me here in the first place.

By: Kid Fleetfoot

Kid Fleetfoot — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 16:20:27 +0000

On the internet people often like to have a place to go to meet people and make friends or at least have conversations. I've done it myself although not s much as I used to. The difference with Home and other places I've been is that in Home I can see where I'm going and what other people are wearing. It's an interesting experience. (I have not participated in other worlds with graphics that may be out there.)

By: cthulu93

cthulu93 — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 16:40:49 +0000

If someone wanted to keep their real life info. private there is a way to do it without deceiving other ppl.Simply saying that they aren’t comfy divulging that info. is a much more respectful way to go about things than to just make stuff up.Not only have I seen friendships end over lies told but I have been the 1 doing the ending on occasion.Each case is different but generally the longer we have been friends,the nature of the deceptive facts,the nature of how the truth came to light,and the real reason/s for the deception/s in the 1st place all play a factor in whether I continue the friendship or not.Of course ppl have a right to keep w/e they wish private but I don’t believe that privacy gives anyone the right to intentionally deceive friends.Having said that,once the deception/s are known to me I then have to decide if the deception was of a serious enough nature to end the friendship sometimes it is,sometimes it isn’t.Also I should make it clear that I’m talking about friends here,not ppl you are just meeting.Also I’m not talking about omissions of facts,like having multiple accounts that idk and haven’t asked about,I’m just talking about outright lies here.

By: Orion_NGC1976

Orion_NGC1976 — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 14:47:56 +0000

Very nice article, Gideon. Both Johneboy’s article and this one highlights something that isn’t talked about much and that is tolerence and understanding. I have seen many an arguement over the things you mention.

By: Burbie52

Burbie52 — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 12:25:19 +0000

Incredible insight Gideon. I think this is something that has needed to be explored and said for a long time. I know many people who have felt betrayed by friends who turned out to be other than they purported to be, but I agree that not everyone can be as forthcoming as others. Even though we are in a virtual world, we still need to take into consideration that the people behind the avatars are only an extension of their true selves. Some shy, some outgoing, some weak, some strong, yet all undeniably human, as full of faults and failings as their real counterparts. My philosophy in life has always been a fairly simple one, let people be people and accept them, warts and all. We all fail, but hopefully we also strive to learn and grow from our mistakes and, most importantly, we move on. We must all consider each new user we meet to be a potential candidate for friendship or at least be cordial and accepting of their differences and feelings. If this becomes the norm in Home it will become a much sought after and happier place.