Game Franchise Mash-Ups
by NorseGamer, HSM Editor-in-Chief
See, the problem with Home being down for an extended period of time is that all I’m left with are video games. And I’m sorry, but after the addictive spontaneity of Home’s social interactivity, a lot of video games are just…boring.
So this got me thinking.
What if…
What if video game franchises were mashed together?
No, really. This ought to happen. You know you want it. Rather than releasing the eleventeenth sequel to a series that had one good idea and stretched it across more products than Mary Lou Retton, how about splicing together games, genres and franchises to come up with something truly interesting?
Let’s take a look at a few.
Grand Theft Zelda — in this daring and controversial entry into the GTA series, Rockstar decides to offer a wonderfully M-rated response to Wind Waker. Ganon is a mafia kingpin protected by his triforcers, Link’s weapon of choice is a nailbat, and we’re not even going to discuss what Zelda does in the name of Hyrule. DJ Sahasrahla joins returning fan favorites Lazlow and Fernando as the voice of FM 92.3 Radio Navi.
Mass Fear Effect — This time around, Commander Shepard is joined by Hana Tsu Vachel and Rain Qin, who are both very proficient lesbiotic adepts. What starts off as a basic mission to capture a Triad underboss turns into a surrealistic journey into the heart of hell itself in order to discover the mystery of Cerberus. Players endure countless retry attempts at the very difficult levels just to get to the next full-motion video cutscene, and neoconservative commentators go bugnuts over the declining morality in America.
Final Fantasy Smackdown — Square Enix, in a partnership with World Wrestling Entertainment, produces the first ever RPG to feature licensed wrestlers as dragoons, summoners, bards and beyond. Popular limit breaks include the Jackhammer, Peoples’ Elbow and Tombstone Piledriver. Ifrit, Bahamut and Ramuh have been replaced with The Four Horsemen, the NWO and Sting. Although fan favorites like Kefka and Golbez return as bosses, rumor suggests that Andre the Giant is the final boss.
Metal Gear Bandicoot — No, never mind.
Uncharted Mario: God of Tomb Raider — In this mind-boggling four-way mashup, Princess Toadstool has been captured by Bowser and the Olympian Gods, and it’s up to Kratos, Nathan Drake, Lara Croft and Mario to rescue her. Of particular note, if you give the Blade of Olympus (found in a crypt underneath a Nepalese village) to Luigi, the level of ultraviolent action will definitely make you arch an eyebrow. And, as Mario, you will be forced to choose between Toadstool and Aphrodite near the end.
Mortal Kombat Home — After more than two years of enduring the same tired, whining refrain that “there’s nothing to do in Home,” Sony finally deploys a public space with a for-purchase mini-game that allows these silly, testosterone-poisoned avatars to duke it out, MK style (particularly vicious kombos cause an image of Jack Buser to pop up with a “toasty!” exclamation onscreen). It turns out to be a huge hit and a gold mine for Sony, increasing revenues across the board and upping the length of average user sessions. However, now that these kids finally have a place to get it out of their system, any disputes or disruption in other public spaces are met with instant brutalities by the Home Community Volunteers, whose avatars are newly-empowered with special fatality abilities and a pre-programmed “Get over here!” text bubble.
I think I’m officially starting to break down. I need Home. I need Home now. The twitching! The twitching won’t stop! Oh god make it stop! I NEED TO IMPROVE MY LAP TIMES ON PROJECT VELOCITY!
No! No, it’s okay. I can hold it together. It’s okay. It’s only another day or two, surely. Not more than another week. It can’t possibly be more than a week, right?
For god’s sake, somebody fix the PSN before my boredom makes me go read a book or something.
Anyway, while we’re waiting, what are some franchise mash-ups you’d like to play?
April 28th, 2011 by NorseGamer | 10 comments
NorseGamer is the product manager for LOOT Entertainment at Sony Pictures, as well as the founder and publisher of HomeStation Magazine. Born and raised in Silicon Valley, he holds a B.A. in English/Creative Writing from San Francisco State University and presently lives in Los Angeles. All opinions expressed in HSM are solely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of Sony DADC.
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How about Red Dead Republic -- where the characters of KOTOR are transported back in time to the frontier west. There, they have to learn to ride horses and drink whiskey while relying on the Force to keep them sober enough to kill off the Vader gang.
Army of the Sims… naw
Need for Mario kart… naw
My pony nukem… naw
Tiger Woods the gathering… naw
Red Dead Black Ops… hmmm maybe
Pokemon Portal… perhaps
Twisted Medal of Honor… now we are talking
LittleBigPlanet 1943… i would play that
Grand Truismo Armageddon… maybe not
Uncharted Fallout… could be interesting
Madden’s Assassins 2012
Need for heavy rain…noooo
FIFA WWE Allstars…pffft
Charlie Sheen: Tigers blood unleashed… Topical
Lord of the Rockband: Gandolf’s jams…ok…maybe not
Now I have visions of Randy Savage dressed up as Kefka.
That is so not a mental image I need in my head before coffee.
Ninja Gaiden SingStar -- players who cannot carry a tune will be beheaded… Hm, maybe this should be implemented in the next season of Idol and all its copies…
How about Dragon Age 3 -- Return of the Jedi, where Luke Skywalker lands in Ferelden after the blight and discovers that the Empire is there already, taking over after bumping off King Alistair and attacking Kirkwall next. Luke and the trusty team of followers he builds, including your character that you build, have to jump in and save the day!
resident eye-pet evil (i already think its half way there)
Shadow of Ico:
Ico, having saved Yorda from the shadow beasts retreats to a secluded home deep within the mountains of Demuen where he grows up with his forever meek and incessantly silent love. As he grows older Yorda continues to weaken. Ico does not realize that he is the cause for his loves dissipation. He drains her energy until her once lustrous glow fades into oblivion and she dies. Full of despair, Ico’s pain calls forth the shadow creatures which sour the land and become one with Ico. Using the energy he drained from Yorda, combined with the anger of the shadow creatures Ico takes control of the mountain and surrounding lands. He calls forth golems that are brought to life with the power of the shadows and darkness covers the land. You and up to three others are charged with seeking out ico, who has retreated into the heart of the mountains of Demuen to loosen his grip on the land and put an end to his sorrow.
Little Big God of War:
After infuriating the Trickster God of Loki (since the Greek gods have been slashed through the remaining gods have taken notice) Kratos was transformed into a living doll. This is free-roaming platformer features a cursed Kratos seeking a way to end his recent miniaturization. Kratos battles his way through hordes of attacking toys to make his way to the mini-golf castle of Loki to break. The stuffing will fly and the battle will be never ending because Little Big God of War features a “build and battle” mode that allows users to create custom levels to share with friends.
BorderResistance
In the wasteland there is only one rule. Kill or be killed. In this nationalistic FPS you play either as the Peoples Symbiotic Allegiance (PSA) or the Hexrelan, A race of illegal aliens looking for work in the prosperous PSA. If you play as the PSA your mission is to prevent the Hexrelan from crossing your boarders and finding a way to infiltrate your society with their advanced cloaking and increased work ethic. If you play the Hexrelan you must try to find your way across the PSA boarders. You must decide if you want to take the direct approach across the wasteland or sneak your way across using a complicated and PSA swarmed series of underground tunnels. In the later levels the PSA are searching their border cities for Hexrelan’s who have successfully infiltrated their society. Hunter or hunted, you choose which side you are on.
mash up -- Hide and Seek and the PlayStation network.
LOL. I like this one…
MARCO!!
…
That is possibly the single coolest response ever written in the history of HSM.