EA Poker Rooms Return!
by Keara22HI, HSM team writer
Yes, it’s true. After many, many months of absence, and a rather shameful and embarrassing lack of response from the parties involved, the EA Poker Rooms are finally returning.
However, they’re not returning to Home.
I have been beta testing the new and improved EA Poker Rooms for ‘brand X’ since November. Brand X had been reading the Home Forum and saw a golden opportunity to lure gamers away from the PS3 and over to their system. All those thousands of poker-playing gamers inspired X to contact EA and make them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
There are some major differences, though. Although the games remain free, X has put in a chip machine for those who want to buy into a red table or black table game without having to go through the torture of playing green tables first. And, like Midway, although the games are free at certain times, if you do not want to wait, you can buy a day pass to enter anytime.
The biggest change, however, is the requirement that you purchase a motion controller that works only with the X equipment. When playing poker in X, you actually have to count and lift your chips to put them in the betting pot. Now this can be tricky. At one point I picked up 5 $10 chips when I thought I had picked up 5 $1 chips. That was an expensive learning experience. And placing them on the pile of chips in the pot takes some eye-hand motor co-ordination I had not used since KZ3.
You also use the motion controller to lift your cards anytime you want to see what you are holding. And it takes some practice not to reveal to the entire table that you are bluffing like Audrey Hollander in a white wedding dress. I kept picking them up face-out and wondering why I was looking at men on bicycles.
Then, the big problem with being a beta tester is (and if you have watched The Tester in the theatre you can relate to this) that you have no choice who else is in there beta-testing with you. Imagine my horror when I discovered I was seated at the poker table with Brute, the notorious black-table bully and BigAAAA, the cheater. Sure enough, by the second day of beta testing, they were already up to their old tricks. Complaints to the X Mods did no good. The only reponse I got was, “We have to know what they do so we can plan for it.”
If the planning involves hanging, drawing, and quartering, I am all for it. Otherwise, this is going to be more of same.
So, I decided to take the situation into my own hands, literally, by experimenting with the motion controller. I discovered that, if I timed it right and aimed accurately, I could slap Brute in the face with a fan of my cards. “Oh, so sorry, fartface. I am so clumsy today, You can give back my three of diamonds and four of spades now, yes?”
I also found that, with practice and perfect aim I could shove a stack of dollar chips up BigAAAA’s avatar. He had so much room in there (too many years in prison, I guess), he didn’t even notice immediately.
When the X factors figured out what I was doing, they booted me out of the beta test. In fact, they put a perma ban on my X console and melted it into a puddle of hot plastic. And I won’t touch that motion controller until I have checked it with a geiger counter.
Nonetheless, I do feel that the introduction of the EA Poker Rooms to a competing virtual reality will serve much like a “killer app” would in the software world. Home, it seems, would do well to remember that there are many, many adults who use its services, and seek social gaming experiences that they can enjoy together.
As for the Console X people, I got even with them: I sent an email to their fearless leaders and said, “Hey, you are all April fools!”
April 1st, 2011 by keara22hi | 8 comments
Keara is also known in Home as DarthGranny. She is a wicked little old lady with a wild sense of humor.
Lets see it April 1st. I wonder what exactly that might mean. Sadly, when I first saw the title my heart skipped a beat.
Oh well, one day maybe.:)
Can the pervs use that controller thing-y to grope other players at the table? There’s no way I’m getting involved with something like that….well, maybe on a slow night. :p
Don’t miss the Easter Egg hidden in the HSM Forum Main Topics sticky thread: Fashion Trends. My grandson had a lot of fun researching those girls.
I think for some this may be too soon. After calling my therapist, I laughed.
I’m glad I read this to the end before I ran out and bought Herx new motion controllers for his PS3! Yikes!
Eli, you had to read it to the end?
Keara, you have been deleted from my FL for making me virtually cry. If you try to add me again, I know a 4 year old who will hack your PS3 and make it fart bubbles
I should have known when you guys post 6 articles. On the same day, but yes finding out all of these article were fake made me die a little inside.
PS kudos to HSM all of these articles were still quite funny after crying for a few minutes.
IM SO USET EA POKE ROMS PLEAS,,PLEASE COME BACK WILL PAY PEASE PLEASE (snlffle)