We’re. Just. Friends.
by Terra_Cide, HSM guest contributor
I’m sick and tired of labeling friends “Internet friends” and “real friends,” or even “Home friends” for that matter.
And too am I sick of the perceived stigma around having friends you know solely from the Internet or Home and talking about them to friends and family in the “real world.”
I really am, and I’ll tell you why.
I have friends quite literally around the world. From Hong Kong to Macedonia, from Canada to an undisclosed military base in the Middle East, I’ve crossed paths with someone, and the method in which we’ve met is about as far from a means which to base the quality of those relationships as I am from Sirius A.
For example, in school I befriended an exchange student from Germany. She and I are still friends to this day, even though it has been over a decade since we last saw each other face to face. I have another friend from school who was closer to me than my own sister and now lives on the other side of the country. I also have made friends online from Montreal, which is a five hour drive from my home, and in Home, I’ve made friends from Boston, which is just a two hour train ride from my home. Each one of these people, at some point, knew me quite well – as I knew them closely in return. I fail to see how the relationships are different, just because I got to know two of these people face to face first, and the others later on, or not yet (as of this writing). I would even be so bold as to say that one of these people whom I met online knows me better than I know myself.
What then, pray tell, constitutes a “real” friendship? Is it founded upon the belief that unless the people involved occupy the same physical space at the same time at one point in their lives, they cannot be “real” friends? I occupied the same space as Ken Griffey, Jr. once – we were seated at the same teppanyaki table – it doesn’t mean we’re friends. To be quite frank on the matter, I know about as much about baseball as our editor knows about the workings of the latest in technology. I understand the basics, but to carry on an in-depth conversation about the sport? Yeah, no.
Is it then the perceived notion that when we are face to face, the person which we are interacting with is less likely to lie to us, or that we will be able to – on some level – pick up on non-verbal, visual cues that indicate that they are lying, and that this is the basis on which a “real” friend is superlative to an “internet” friend? Not all of us are so well-versed in reading micro expressions in the faces of others, and even if we are picking up those cues at the subconscious level, ever fewer people would be cognizant of what was going on that is causing the uneasy feeling they’re experiencing.
Even still, we as a society seem to be pre-programmed to believe that people “from the Internet” are far more likely to lie to us than people we meet face to face, because of all the horror stories the media feed us. What they fail to mention is that these stories happened in the pre-Internet days was well.
Is friendship then based on shared commonalities, interests, levels of intellect and empathy? Now we might be onto something.
The author with a friend - from the Internet (!!)
As it’s been demonstrated over the years, these are the ties that bind us. Sure, you can’t just call up a friend you met on Home for some idle chit chat or to inquire if they want to meet up to go to a movie, unless of course they are located geographically close enough to make this possible, and you both have cultivated the relationship to that point where it feel comfortable to do so (this cultivation period is something that should be practiced even in the “real world”). But you can send them a quick message, you can invite them into a voice chat if they’re online, you can meet them in Central Plaza and ask them about their day and kvetch about yours. No, you can’t judge a book by its cover, but when have you ever been able to? Just because someone “sounds” charming online, doesn’t mean they are in person, and just because you can enjoy a conversation with someone face to face, doesn’t mean they will sound half as interesting – or even literate – when they write to you for the first time.
Friendships come and go, for various reasons, regardless of the origin of the friendship. People met in the “real world” can be just as duplicitous as their internet counterparts; they are just as likely to be not as friendly as they originally presented themselves to be, or just simply disingenuous. What has been constantly observed is that time perception online does feel sped up, and so our tolerance towards other people’s nonsense is far lower than what it would be in a face to face encounter. Which could explain why people view individuals met online as “not real friends.” However, this too has been countered by the statement that because we rely mainly on the power of text to communicate and get to know other people on Home and elsewhere online, we get a clearer picture of the person behind the text much sooner than what we would get face to face.
Perhaps then, the reason that people don’t feel as though the individuals they meet online are real friends is because all the things they claim humans can and will do – the lying, the scamming, the careless hurting of another person’s feelings – there’s a small part inside of them that, given the chance, would attempt to do the same things, if they felt they could get away with it? Or perhaps it is because it is because they are in their real lives rather detached from the human experience in general, so that when they get online, they care even less about the living, breathing beings behind the avatars.
It’s an ugly thing, isn’t it, to examine our own personal, darker tendencies so closely?
In the light of recent global tragedies, there are stories of great sacrifice and reaching out and helping others in need. These are people helping people, regardless of whether or not the label “friend” is applied. The night I started writing this, I was in the chat room over at PlayStation Home Today, and a girl there expressed worry about a friend she had made in Home from Japan, as she hadn’t heard from her in a couple of days. I could feel her worry, even through the ether, about whether or not her friend was affected by the earthquake and the resultant tsunami.
And that’s what friends do; they care for each other. Genuinely. It doesn’t matter where or how you met, or how others perceive you when they ask “how did you meet?” It doesn’t even matter what word – if any – you use to preface the word “friend.” It’s the integrity with which you care about another person, whether they be six thousand miles away or only six blocks away.
Think about that the next time you hear, “Oh I met them on Home, they’re not ‘real’ friends.”
March 22nd, 2011 by Terra_Cide | 10 comments
Terra _Cide is the former Community Manager for Lockwood Publishing and Editor Emeritus for HomeStation Magazine.
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Perhaps part of the answer is that it’s all so new. Maybe part of it has to do with Myspace and Facebook, where many people enjoy the hobby of collecting friends, sometimes hundreds or thousands. Maybe that is why you see newbies in Home sending out friend requests to anyone who crosses their path.
The people collectors (as I like to call them) do cheapen the concept of friendship and relationship building, don’t they?
It’s rather sad to think that the majority of the human population really doesn’t evolve beyond high school in terms of their mentality towards “acquiring friends” where more is more; as if people are more impressed by the quantity, rather than the quality of the relationships. While it can prove to be a useful strategy where Home is concerned (I believe it was Stryctnin who said he keeps his list filled to avoid receiving random adds), you can hardly call someone you’ve only chatted with once (or not at all, in the case of many requested adds) a friend.
The same goes for people you’ve met face to face.
If all you’ve done is strike up a conversation with a stranger in the grocery store while appraising the oranges and that’s all you’ve done and you never talk again, then that’s all you’ve done. You haven’t made a friend. You haven’t made an acquaintance. You just talked to some stranger about oranges.
Yet again, another wonderful article Terra_Cide!
In my opinion, the reason we view internet friends as lesser friends is that we still have that stigma that we could be talking to a 52 year old man who still lives in his basement instead of a 21 year old from Michigan who lives in a studio apartment. We still don’t believe what people say about themselves online.
It has to do not only with the fact that the media has changed our mind but also the fact that we can make more judgements about a human being in person than we can online. When we meet someone in person, we can judge their body movements, their voice and facial expressions in greater detail. With online, we can only judge what the other person wants us to know.
I think the word we’re looking for is…
Associates.
Facebook and Myspace is built around people who have previously met before. They’re not always “friends” but have met at least once to become “associates”.
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I’m quite sure many of us separate our real friends and Home friends with our FB/MS pages (or maybe not).
It’s tough to make internet friends because you don’t *really* know someone until you’ve spent extensive amounts of time with them, or have met in real life.
‘Associates’ is what Wal-Mart calls its employees.
And no, I don’t separate my friends. That was the whole point of the article. I tend to be pretty much the same person online as I am face to face. If the other person can’t be prepared to at least show similar respect, then they don’t last long on my list.
When I am online, I do pretty much the same as I do in real life -- I seek out people I have talked to previously. Seeking that which is familiar is a trait common to all social creatures. These days I rarely actively go out to meet new people to befriend -- I have to be in a particular mood and the planets have to be in a certain alignment.
So yes, I do spend a lot of time with the same people I know online, sometimes even conversing with them on a daily basis -- which I’d like to point out is much more frequently than I talk to my own mother. However, I do this anyways in real life when I’m getting to know someone as well, so there isn’t any real difference.
The only real reason I ever signed up for Facebook was I got sick and tired of writing the same “how are you, I am fine, how’s the weather, here’s some recent pictures of the kiddo and I, blah blah blah” email 674835912 times. And even then, I was dragged kicking and screaming to do it.
Terra,
I like your approach when it comes to making friends. Sometimes a certain program (such as Home) may have a limited shelf life. So, some of us may seek to use an alternative to Home (I used Yoville on FB/MS before converting).
This may be the best way to keep in touch with people over the years when said programs come and go.
Part of me wishes that the Xbox 360 had a Home equivalent so my “other” friends aren’t split apart the way it is now.
Loved reading your article and its all true in what you say, some of my Home friends are almost like family, yet some of my family members refer to them as ‘Internet’ or ‘Imaginery’ friends simply because they don’t quite understand what Home actually is, as it flies right past over their heads. It makes my blood boil and it is absolutely useless explaining to them that behind those avatars are real brething people, like myself.
trust
My “home” friends are also my “real” friends. No seperation or extra catagory.
I think the only reason I ever say “My friends online” because if I didn’t…my family or other friends would wonder “where are they then?” cause sometimes I have to say “Oh my friends in [insert city] blah blah”. BUT sometimes I don’t even say that, I just go “Oh a friend of mine was telling me this joke..” and so on. I love my friends online and heck ya we’d hang out in person. We’re all planning to meet sometime this year. Most of us live in California so it’s going to be exciting! Unfortunately we have some out-of-country friends who can’t exactly meet, not now anyway. ><
I like your article though.I've met many amazing people online who I was fortunate enough to meet up with in person =)! It's so cool, you feel like "Whoa I've never seen this person up close but I know them!!!" ^__^