Virtual Love
by CheekyGuy, HSM team writer
Since the earliest days of internet chatrooms, the internet has been used for romance. Let’s go through all the disclaimers so we can move on with the article:
- Yes, there’s any number of examples to use if you want to point out that internet romance is fraught with risks.
- Yes, there are many stories of failure, and people do get hurt.
- Yes, one out of five couples today met online.
What are the sociological factors behind online romance?
It may have something to do with how the rules are different online. In real life, we are primates, and that means that there’s some basic cultural anthropology to deal with. Alphas get the mates. Betas get the leftovers. This is the law of the jungle. Humans, for all of our wondrous achievements, are still apes when it comes to emotions.
And, frankly, there aren’t a lot of alphas. That leaves most of us out in the cold. And even if you do look like Tom Brady, play like Beckham, manage your money like Soros and spend your spare time disproving Hawking — even if you make it to that alpha plateau — there’s still no guarantees.
As a species, we assess and judge people very quickly. It’s basic survival. Friend or foe? Attractive or unattractive? Useful or nuisance? Before we have even opened our mouths, we’ve already decided how we’re going to conduct ourselves based on the markers we saw.
So what happens when you’re in virtual reality, and suddenly everyone is a bilaterally-symmetrical billionaire endowed with superpowers? What happens when everyone is well and truly equal — when the markers are stripped away?
We begin to judge people based on their behavior. On their personalities.
Are there downfalls to this? Of course. In a world where we are free to be whatever we want, we usually construct ourselves as we wish we were. And, inevitably, we fall short of our virtual selves — which can produce a rather odd self-loathing, actually. When we interact with other people, it is important to realize that you are talking to someone as they wished to see themselves whilst they look at you as you wish you were.
The risks are obvious. Go watch Catfish if you want to see what I mean.
But there are benefits, as well, to online romance. It’s easier to be truthful about yourself from a distance, behind a wall of anonymity and a perfectly-constructed appearance. Further, though, humans are a remarkably imaginative species. And, as such, the more fantastical elements of online romance can at times add to the experience. If you are an automotive worker living in Detroit, you probably will never have the ability to sit with a loved one on a beach in Barbados. Home and other virtual realities provide the next best thing.
Beyond that, though, the human imagination is remarkably amoral; as a species, we are far more profound and profane than we can normally reveal due to social conformity. In virtual reality, these constraints are lifted. This is a powerful experience.
Since virtual worlds have existed (Kaneva, Second Life, IMVU, Entropia and now Home), there have been many types of couples. Neko (furry couples), for instance, inspired from Japanese anime. Vampire couples that consist of a vampire bride or ‘blood doll’ of whom both search out victims for blood (or for the latter, are fed apples to keep the iron in their blood stable). The Gorean couples found in Second Life, with their extreme lifestyle — something close to degradation — are too extreme to discuss in this publication.
Put your moral compass aside for a moment. It is not our place to pass judgment, lest we look like one of those innumerable political figures who stands up for morality and piety, decrying the sins of our time, only to be discovered as having some wild Appalachian Trail streak that even Larry Flynt would arch an eyebrow at. With virtual romance (as all virtual activities), as long as all parties involved are consenting and having fun, then that is theirs to enjoy.
Home, as virtual worlds go, is largely a PG-rated experience — and that’s not necessarily a bad thing (particularly since there are far too many hormone-addled children running around in it). But this does not limit imaginative expression; if anything, Home’s graphical superiority allows for an even more immersive experience in some ways.
I was happy to talk to a couple of the everyday kind. The kind we can all connect with. They are Serenity and The Outsider – and they met on Playstation Home (at Seaside of Memories), via a circle of mutual friends. As is so often the case, they struck up a friendship — when you cannot trust visual cues, you judge based on personality — and eventually grew closer.
Serenity: I didn’t really know him until I started talking to him.
HSM: When did you realize you both wanted more than just friendship?
Outsider: I started to feel jealous when other guys would talk to her; that’s when I realised I was falling for her.
Serenity: He was asking to be my date, which I thought was crazy, because I thought Home was just a video game. I thought to myself, “No way!” But he asked me three times, and eventually I had to say yes.
Outsider: We would talk on the phone or on webcam (PlayStation Eye); we just have so much in common.
Serenity: We’re both smokers, we play video games and we go on Home to be with our friends because they are like a big family to us. We would talk for six hours at a stretch; I haven’t done that with anybody before. People look down on older gamers, which I think is a shame. Frankly, there should be more things on Home for older gamers. We don’t add minors to our friend lists, and those that pretend they are older are quickly found out and deleted.
HSM: I assume that, like any real-world couple, you have your ups and downs?
Serenity: It’s all about trust. On Home, some people can be together for days and then just break up, because in their mind it’s just a game and they can fool around with somebody else. We bring real-world rules into our relationship. Because we really are together.
Outsider: We’ve married together twice on Hong Kong Home.
Serenity: I just love wearing the dresses!
HSM: What do you think of the prospects of a possible future together?
Outsider: The day we meet, it will be a dream come true. We are looking to get together but can’t afford to right at this moment.
Serenity: The day we meet, I will feel complete. And even after we meet, we still have our two PlayStations and two televisions. We would still hang out on Home to be with our friends.
There are a couple of interesting insights from this couple. First of all, note that they brought up their long conversations. In real life, it’s usually very hard to find someone who is genuinely interested in listening to us. We live in an isolated, harried, increasingly paranoid world. We seek our cultural and social interaction, increasingly, from the safety and comfort of our own homes.
Another interesting tidbit is commonality. In real life, we find the best partner that we can from the selection we have to choose from. Online, the selection is exponentially greater, and thus the odds of finding someone who really does share all of your passions and hobbies is far greater. Even if that person is six-thousand miles away, they might just be The One — and you can’t ignore that.
It’s also worth noting that one of the fun parts of an online romance can be the fantasy element of it. Most of us, in our lives, will never experience a true cravat blanche evening. Nor can we float outside a space station, spontaneously change the time of day on our private yachts, or pretend we’re bipedal hamsters. Yet such things are humorous, touching — and memorable.
As a culture — as people in this age of information bombardment — the sense of wonder seems to have gone out of us. The sense of play has gone. And the downside of living in a digital world where everything is available at our fingertips is that we start to feel faceless, nameless and anonymous. Is it any wonder, then, that we should try to find love and significance in this new world?
Yes, the world of virtual love is littered with tears, wrecks and clenched fists. But, like salmon swimming upstream, we are nonetheless compelled to try. And, every so often, something wonderful happens: people fall in love.
March 10th, 2011 by CheekyGuy | 9 comments
CheekyGuy is a loveable, mischievous Brit who first entered virtual reality via Second Life, and now frequents Home as a Grey Gamer to keep in touch with friends. In real life, Cheeky is a video editor who has just completed a Master's degree in screenwriting from Liverpool John Moores University.
LOL i don’t know why children joke about older gamers,someday they will be an old gamer as well.Do they think that at age 18 you have to hang up your controller?,like an old washed up boxer shaking your head and saying”I was a contender.”The meaning of “Alls fair in love and war.” is it’s permissable to use ANYTHING to win.Anything includes but is not limited to using our most animal instincts,in these area’s our inner ape can have free expression.This can often be ugly but it’s nice to see a happy ending once in awhile,gives the rest of us hope.
So true, without the animal stuff helping us choose a mate, we do have to relay on personalities. Some people have trouble letting go of all the real life stuff, others easily let go. I think it’s the one’s that find a common ground are the one’s that can find true love on home.
I think it is great when you can meet someone who has things in common with you. Online opens up so much more possibilities. I met my boyfriend (love of my life) not on home but on psht (playstationhometoday) website. We joke that we meet on a fan site of home. We talked for several months on the computer, phone and via cam. Feb 11, 2010 we met in real life. We have been living together ever since. Sometimes we are so alike its funny. I love him with all my heart and could not imagine my life without him.
Love in Home or any virtual world is as real as in the real world. The emotions are the same even though the people have never met or touched, in fact I would argue they can be more real. Real world romance is always affected by the sexual side of things, the chemistry of the closeness of the person to you can in many ways cloud your judgment of the true nature of the relationship. But in a virtual world although the desire is the same, it can’t be sated in the real so you take the time to really get to know the person before you ever really meet in the flesh. It is like my article “Home, Why Do We Stay?” said, Home is like a chaperon of the old days, it is a physical barrier of sorts that allows people to get to know the real person behind the avatar. Great article Cheeky, loved your insights!
Well here it is, An older PS Forum thread.
http://community.us.playstation.com/thread/1822250
I have to say I’m happy for every one that online dating has worked for. For me very soon the honey moon will be over. trust me i’m not trying to knock online dating, As it worked for me, “well for almost 2 years”.
Long story short here, Califf is going back home in 3 days. Things are great with just the 2 of us, But things just didn’t work out with her kids and I.
So if your looking in to a relationship on Home, Or any other site. Make sure your ready for what ever life gives you.
Very good article Cheeky. I’m am a major player on home and i am friends with both serenity and outsider so i wanna say that they are great ppl on and off home & i congratulate both of them on their realationship & wish them all the best. Now if only i can find my mate lol ! 1 day hopfully God Bless & ya’ll take care!
First of all, I love this article. It felt good just reading it. I can appreciate online dating and relationship building. I think to a degree, anyone who has gone online into any type of social forum does as well. Shout out to my older brother and sister too!! Congrats guys!!! Woooot!!
I originally posted this in the Forum section of HSM because I wanted everyone to see their radiant picture. But this story is so good, I want to post it here also:
So here is a first-person love story I got from a couple in Home.
I stopped to talk to SkinHerBack because, with a name like that, he seemed to be the perfect candidate for Avatars With Attitude. What ensued in that conversation, however, was a poignant love story about him and Maggie. It took a lot of messages and an attached pic to get the whole story, so I am busy hand-writing all those messages and will post them with the pic in a few minutes.
“My name is Tony. I’m 37, from Indiana, and I met Maggie (she’s 27) from Tennessee on PS Home in Central Plaza 17 months ago. We dated for 8 months. Every niht after work we woul get on Home and then we would go to a chat room and watch TV until bedtime. We would sleep in the chat room all night long. We would talk on the phone on the way to work and at lunch and then eat dinner together in the Home Chat Room. After dinner we would go over to the Mall and then dancing in Central Plaza.”
“I just want to say she is the love of my life, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I am the luckiest man alive to have met her. And I have to thank Sony for having PS Home because I may never have met the love of my life otherwise. Her love has changed my life in so many ways.”
“We got married last Thanksgiving in Home in the very spot where we met on the dance floor in Central Plaza. It was awesome. I drove to meet her in person and it was very different to meet someone you are already in love with. She took me and my son around her town and it was the best day of my life. I didn’t want that day to end.”
“Then she started coming to my house on the weekends. I asked her to marry me in real life and she said ‘Yes!’. It made me the happiest man alive. I told her to please move in with me because I don’t ever want to be without her again. She found a job in my town first and then she moved in. We have 3 PS3s now. We have Family Night on Home. Every night me, Maggie, an my son get on Home and play games.”
“We set a date to marry on May 30th and came to find out my parents and her parents both married on May 30 And they are all still married. Her grand-dad’s named Red and so was mine. Her grand-father was a police officer and so was mine. We were both born in February and we have so much in common. I can’t wait to marry the girl of my dreams on that awesome day in May!”
“I just want to say that I can’t believe I met my soul-mate in a video game. That’s awesome! We love to get on Home to get free items and to wind every item we can. I told her the very best thing I ever found in Home was her. We are getting the Home symbol tattooed on us with each other’s name in it to never forget what Sony has done for us.”
What a beautiful story! I have known many folks whom have gotten together during the old internet chat room days. Home, has a larger (more live) atmosphere for this. Awesome job Cheeky.