A Feminine Perspective On Digital Flirting
by IrishSiren, as a guest contribution to HSM
Oh, no.
He’s in default clothes. He just ran up to me — standing way too close. And I don’t have to be clairvoyant to figure out what the text bubble over his head is going to say.
“Hello”
I’m. Ready. To. Scream.
Look, I’m not immune to the statistics. Home has a user base that’s, what, 85% male? And in the time I’ve been on Home, I’ve discovered that a somewhat disturbing number of my girlfriends are, in fact, about as “female” as Jaye Davidson. So there’s a whole lot of guys out there. Mostly younger guys.
And, maybe, it might help you boys if an actual woman offered up some feminine insights on what to do and what not to do if you’re going to look for female attention in Home.
Before we get started: examine your motives. Why are you trying to flirt with girls online? Are you looking for a long-term romantic relationship? Are you lonely and too shy to approach girls in real life? Do you simply want a partner for online activities I can’t describe on this website? Once you know what your goal is, you should gear your approach accordingly.
Let’s go over some basics.
You’re familiar with the phrase, “The clothes make the man” — right? So if you’re scoping out a girl who’s clearly not wearing default clothes or freebies, this implies that she’s invested some money in Home. I suggest you do the same, if you want to have a shot. Is that fair? Probably not. But we as a species pre-judge based on appearance. And you’re looking to distinguish yourself from the crowd.
By the way, as an aside: some of my male friends have protested that us girls are “inviting” sexual harassment by wearing digitally suggestive outfits. This is a disgusting attempt at justifying chauvinism and immature misogyny. I have no interest in looking for the guys, because I don’t need to. As a girl, I’m inundated, daily, with unwanted male attention. If I’m wearing a more suggestive outfit, it’s because I want to look good in front of my friends. It’s a female competition thing.
(As an example: when you, as a guy, walk into a bar — assuming you’re old enough, which some users in Home aren’t — the first thing you check out are all the women. When I, or most other women, walk into a bar…the first thing we check out are all the other women. Because we want to see how we stack up. We’re competing with each other. It’s more about power than finding a partner; the proficiency at hunting is more important than the actual killing. Most guys don’t seem to understand this.)
Now, even if you choose not to invest in digital clothing, there’s one item I consider imperative for you to spend some bucks on.
A keyboard.
No, not a mic. That’s just lazy. And far too intimate right off the bat. You want a KEYBOARD.
Think about it. You meet a girl in a public space. You need to make a good impression — quickly. Fumbling with half-cohesive sentences to ask her to mic chat with you is a giant fail. And no one on Home wants to spend all evening hanging around, waiting minute after agnozing minute while you laboriously peck something out on the virtual keypad.
In Magnolia, Tom Cruise’s character has an infomercial in which he talks about the power of language as the key to unlocking a girl’s heart (amongst other things). While I find the character deplorable, he does raise a point. I’ve personally found that the majority of Home’s users are content to communicate without punctuation or much in the way of proper spelling. Whether this stems from laziness or illiteracy, it does little to set you apart from the crowd.
You can call me an elitist bunch of asterisks if you want. You wouldn’t be the first. But I also happen to be right.
So: if you want to set yourself apart, the two things you want to show off are intellect and maturity. This means no more running up to a girl and performing a ska, rave, body pop or salsa in her face. No more default comments. If you see a girl in Home whose attention you want to draw, try interjecting — from a noticeable but safe distance — a witty observation into the conversation she’s having with her friends. If she’s by herself, bear in mind that she’s being hit-upon roughly every ten minutes or so, and thus her shields will be up. Try a conversation started that’s innocuous and safe.
It’s an interesting truth that — generally speaking — while men are more drawn to looks, women are drawn more to personality. Yes, there’s no question that looks play a factor, but when you’re on Home, I have no idea if you truly do look like Massimo Troisi or you’re actually some morbidly obese, deposed Hungarian dictator with a Humbert Humbert fetish. The only real insight I have into you is how you communicate. And that is how I judge you.
(I’ve seen a lot of guys on Home call me — and other women on here — “man haters.” And that’s simply ridiculous. We don’t hate men. We hate your absolutely pathetic, insulting attempts at getting our attention. I personally enjoy a good conversation with witty, charming man. Yes, there’s flirting. It’s the ancient dance of the sexes. And it can be a fun interplay. But it’s a scalpel, not a sledgehammer. I find it hilarious when I get accused by some jilted male of being a lesbian, just because I have standards. Easier to assume I hate all men than to own up to the fact that I simply dislike you because you’re a troll, eh?)
May I recommend, by the way: just as you have the ability to rotate your camera to scope out the place for girls, we have the ability to rotate our cameras to watch you fail. Nothing’s a bigger turn-off than watching a guy run from woman to woman, trying to get one in vain to notice him. That’s desperation. And we see it. Observe the area first, gentlemen, and pick your target. If you fail, I suggest you move to another public space, because many eyes are upon you.
Lastly: even if you manage to do everything right, and you’re a digital Sonny Crockett rollin’ into Seaside of Memories with a Jan Hammer fanfare to announce your arrival, some girls just aren’t going to be interested in you. Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they don’t want to be disturbed. Deal with it. It’s PlayStation, for god’s sake, not eHarmony.
That said, there are some interesting love stories in Home. I wish you the best of luck in finding yours.
February 19th, 2011 by IrishSiren | 21 comments
IrishSiren is a former casual Home user who enjoyed Loco Roco island, Dragon's Green, Conspiracy, and ModNation Racers. In real life she is addicted to scuba diving, Grumpy Cat and reality TV. She lives in Hawaii.
Very good advice, and very cool article. I’m surprised Norse didn’t say anything about this at today’s meeting. Two thumbs up!
Irish is a friend of mine in real life, so I didn’t want to talk about this article until it actually materialized.
(And, of course, after months of cajoling her to write something, she now wants to get on a podcast and begin phase two of taking over the world. Hm.)
I agree, though, it’s a remarkable article.
Love the article. Nice job hun!
Siren you are a very astute young lady. I have a good friend who has no trouble at all talking to and befriending women in Home, and he uses all of the techniques you described. He is well dressed, has a keyboard, and also knows how to talk to women without sounding like he is coming on to them, which in reality he isn’t.
Many young people today think that having a relationship means jumping into bed on the first day they date. This is one of the reasons I think that they want to do the same in Home in a digital sense and say silly things like “do you have a cam?” as though all the girls are just waiting for them to ask this question so they can comply.
Great article, now we just need to get the young men who need to see it in here so they can learn something.
Interjecting from a distance is something i advised in relation 2 a different article and was told it was eavesdropping yet here i see no mention of the E word,hmmmm.There are other similiarities 2 the bar setting and home as well,if your the type of person that seems 2 make new friends every time u go 2 a bar u will do well on home making friends too.Something most guys on home don’t seem 2 get,maybe cause it requires effort,is that alot of male/real female relationships start out as friends and evolve from there.If a”girl”asks u for pics of your private areas in the 1st sentence its not a real female.Furthermore unless the girl in question is local 2 you in real life or your willing 2 travel across country y even pursue her romantically?for some cam time?there are a million,im guessing here,porn sites that im sure offer more for less effort.So ladies if a guy immediately wants 2 cam up or see your pics of private areas its probably a kid whose parents have blocked those sites as a good percentage of males won’t put in that kind of extra effort for an uncertain pay-off.Unless the above criteria apply its only gonna remain an online friendship with minor benefits,benefits that can b easily surpassed elsewhere on the internet,that is if mommy and daddy haven’t blocked that avenue.
I think the most important thing to take away from this for most guys is: get a keyboard and learn to read and write. The world literacy rate is at 85% and that includes 3rd-world nations, as well. In Home, I’d be thrilled if 85% of the people I talk to were literate.
Also, your defense of the provocative clothing on the females is right on the mark, it really is a disgusting justification to treat them like bimbos. Great report. Also, these phrases should all cause the user to get shocked through their controller:
1 -- u got mike
2 -- u got piks
3 -- were u frum
I have a slightly different perspective on this. Yes, you are absolutely right that women dress to impress other women. However, the girl walks into a bar dressed in a very provocative way (“If I’m wearing a more suggestive outfit, it’s because I want to look good in front of my friends. It’s a female competition thing.”) and checks out the other girls: “are those boobs real or inplants?”. the men look and say to themselves, “she’s hot -- she’s not”.
Meanwhile, a lady walks into Spago’s for lunch dressed in her best suit and checks out the other ladies: (“are those real pearls or are they fake?”). the men look and say to themselves, “she’s hot -- she’s not”
The big difference however, is that after the initial assessment of ‘hotness’, a man decides ‘do I want to date her or just boink her?” The more suggestive the outfit, the less likely he will take her anywhere but the closest motel. THe more fashionable the outfit, a man has to decide “can I afford her for the long-haul or do I just want a trophy date for a big event?”
So, the flirting has another dimension: do you want him looking at your boobs or at your brains? Are you looking for a one-night stand or an ongoing relationship? Note, in a virtual reality, each is a valid experience -- but you have to consider how you want to be evaluated by that male pea-brain and how you want him to treat you.
Lol SPAGO’S?most males on home r of the McDonalds crowd.While it is wrong 4 guys 2 think just because a girl dresses a certain way shes desperate 4 male attention so he must give her an overdose of it,its also wrong for girls 2 dress this way,provocatively,and expect a guy on home 2 treat u like your wearing a nun’s outfit.This is home,any1 thats been on it over a month or so knows as soon as some skin below the neck,hands excluded,is shown its like feeding time 4 piranhas.
This situation is like putting on a dress made of raw meat and jumping into a cage with many lions that haven’t eaten in a week then screaming”y did they bite me?”lol.
Hold on. Time out.
No, it is NEVER okay for ANYONE to mistreat ANYBODY over the way they dress; provocatively or not, and it is NOT acceptable to say, “well, she’s dressed that way, she (could be he) should expect it. This is Home.”
That’s like saying such atrocious behavior in the real world is acceptable because the girl is wearing a bikini and therefore any and all unwelcome attention she may get she should expect, and therefore deserve.
That’s like saying a child should have expected to get smacked because he misbehaved.
These are PIXELS on a SCREEN, for crying out loud. P.I.X.E.L.S. You’re getting hot and bothered over a bunch of ones and zeros?! Seriously? You don’t even know if the living breathing human being on the other side is even the sex they’re representing themselves in this virtual world to begin with. If you have the mental acuity and maturity to know how to operate a PlayStation, it shouldn’t be that much of a stretch to realize that what’s on the screen isn’t exactly what you’re gonna get.
Time out 2
I never said a”girl”would deserve this kind of treatment just that it shouldn’t b unexpected.At the moment sony refuses or can’t put a stop 2 this kind of behavior and any1 that thinks all young males will act decently in the above situation also believe in the tooth fairy and the easter bunny.Just look at history and u will see how far men that aren’t under some1 elses control will go in the quest 2 impress or possess females.I am not condoning or endorsing these actions just telling it the way it is.Having said that some things should be expected from the guys as well,1st until proven otherwise,males should at least entertain the possibility that”she”might b a guy living in mom’s trailer down by the river.2nd That having made your intentions known in a public setting don’t be 2 surprised if she embarresses u into a quivering puddle of piss in public.I don’t necessarily condone these things either but they are realities and thats what i’m discussing here,there is a vast difference between what is and what should be.I was talking about what is,you are refering 2 what should be.There is also a big difference between expect and deserve,example:the jews of germany in the 30s and 40s should have expected that hitler would try 2 exterminate them but they certainly didn’t deserve it.Your statement”That’s like saying such atrocious behavior in the real world is acceptable because the girl is wearing a bikini and therefore any and all unwelcome attention she may get she should expect,and therefore deserve”is therefore incorrectly based on the expect=deserve fallacy.
As always, I love a good, spirited debate — and this is certainly a hot-button topic.
You both have good points; just remember to separate the points themselves from the personal emotions that are beneath the surface.
No ad hominem attacks from either side, please.
Well i didn’t think terra believed all males would act appropiately so the statement about any1 that believed they would do so also believes in the easter bunny and the tooth fairy wasn’t directed at her but i can see how it could seem that’s how i intended it,so 2 make it clear i wasn’t refering 2 terra.While she makes it clear she thinks its wrong 4 males 2 act this way i didn’t believe she was saying young males would act appropiately in this situation unsupervised.I didn’t think that was the point in contention here and wasn’t attributing it 2 her but if it SEEMED that way i wish 2 make it clear that it was a general statement 4 any1 who thinks young males will act appropiately on their own,without compulsion, when it comes 2 this kind of thing and not directed at terra.I don’t believe she mentioned how she felt this fundamental shift in the behavior of males would b brought about,and my statement was 4 those who think young males will change their behavior on their own.
I am not so naive to believe that what is and what ought to be are the same.
Change begins with the individual, and if the perpetrators of such behavior do not of their own volition correct themselves (as demonstrated by the ones who bounce to one female avatar after another), then it’s high time the populace of Home who do know better to step up and demonstrate that this behavior is not tolerated.
You can take a lot of abuse if you trade your skin in for leather, however not all of the female user base has developed such a defense (not that they should need to, in an ideal situation, but it does come in handy) to handle the horde of Home leg-humpers.
And never speak for someone else. It’s just bad form.
UMMM now i’m just confused,u say it’s bad form to speak for others but u seem to b saying it’s alright to act for others.Words are one thing,actions are usually more invasive.I think were straying from the main topic here so let me try 2 say this in a different way,if a “girl” wears a provocative outfit males will hit on her it’s gonna happen.All i’m trying 2 say is it shouldn’t b a surprise to her when this happens,is it right? i think i made it clear what i thought of that above,no it’s not right that she will b accosted ad nauseum.I’m not sure going vigilante is the right way to go either it could get u banned for helping out if the wrong words are said and as far as i know there isn’t a way to find out what those words are exactly.
Pixels on a screen. Ah, those fond memories of seeing Lara Crofts butt for the very first time. Good times man, good times.
Lol,very true Mad Adam.There is more than 1 industry based on the premise”sex sells”,even pixelated sex.
*Tsk* Don’t these silly boys know that there are in fact no real girls on the Internet? Absolutely none. It’s a myth.
All joking aside though, I’ve had that old chestnut, “r u a lesbian?” thrown at me more than a few times as a result of my swift, unfeeling-meat-cleaver-style of dealing with unwelcome digital male suitors (i.e., “Do you really talk like that in real life, or are you too stupid to care about first impressions?”), and to be honest, I take it as a point of pride. The reasoning being is that if their behavior in Home is any indication of what they would do in real life, then most definitely I’d be pulling in more women!
The reality is, if your intentions for going on Home are of an amorous variety (or something more base), then you 99.99% of the time will be brushed off like so much pixelated lint. The majority of those who come to Home (and stay on Home) do so for pretty much the same reason, and it’s been mentioned here numerous times: they have some sort of “damage” about them that makes real life social interaction a challenge. They come to Home because they feel it’s a safe place to get away from those challenges.
In the end, it’s really all about respect, and those who cannot abide by that won’t last very long on Home.
This is a good article. I can’t stand it when (sorry if I piss people off!) I get acronyms instead of whole words. Oh, numbers for words is in that list too. It’s hard to read that crap! That whole “sup” thing has got to go. Good article Irish!
Completely agreed, Mad Adam. “Sup” is an invitation to dinner, not a greeting. Oy.
I think Home can be a great way for young guys to LEARN how to talk to girls, some may have confidence issues or some are just plain idiots that don’t quite know the etiquette. That there are unwritten rules out there in order to survive in the Human jungle, and this can also transend into real life.
I found it an intresting perspective into the female world in which a woman checks the other girls out before she even ‘notices’ a guy. I’m now 35 and I hadn’t even noticed that. Of course as a guy too, I would maybe at first spot the girl i would like to talk t, But I’m also looking around at my nearest competitor, probably that guy thats much more bigger than me, wears a better suit (This guy could be carrying SERIOUS cash)and far more aggressive and likely to get his own way. That possible Boyfriend or Partner that could easily be watching me from the corner of the room and leap out and beat the crap out of me. So I guess I have to move with caution too.
For me.. On Home, (Real Life too) If i see a girl on her own, I have to question ‘Does she just want to be on her own?’ I would sit or stand maybe at a distance from her., play it safe, because I wouldnt want her threatened by me. Make some small talk, something observational other than the weather crack a small joke. If she doesn’t respond to either of those things it’s just as well to leave her be.
I hadn’t realised until now that most of my friendslist is made up of the Female friends i meet on Home, I’m comfortable with talking to girls, probably more so than men. Maybe its the constant change in conversation women have that interests me, i love how they can jump into one subject then into another with ease. I’m jealous at how open women can be when they greet one another in the street, just that big warm, open hug. If i did that with a guy (Heterosexual of course) it’s not going to be recieved as well.
I come from a one parent family, I’ve been surrounded by women all my life. And as for finding romance on Home and beyond? Anythings possible, and I’m a single man that can never say never and I’m not going to predict where or HOW I meet that special person. But I’m not desparate for love, if shes crazy enough to stick around me then thats a good thing, but for now I’m happy with the talking and dancing and all the crazy parties i get invited to.
Terra_Cide, this is a great articel and you really have opened up something here.