After 20 years of teaching, award-winning Australian pianist Mark Hansen has come up with the quickest and most enjoyable way to learn piano to date. Sitting on onea€™s arse for a living is no longer the sole domain of philosophers and drumstick-gnawing kings. While sitting around all day has been responsible for the early delivery of many couch potatoes to the bone yard, some major accomplishments have been made while folks were seated.
Sitting also brings moments of great clarity: enlightenment through meditation, a brilliant idea on the crapper or remembering that key bit of evidence guaranteed to exonerate you right before the warden throws the switch for the electric chair. We have been known to occupy more than one seat at a concert a€“ in succession, not due to chronic obesity. Although we get as much exercise as the right to vote in a fascist state, our native land of Canada has produced many fine athletes. We were horrified when we heard that 722 school kids set a world record for the most people sitting in one chair, imagining the 488 or so who would have been crushed in such an undertaking. Like the real Nobel Prize, the a€?Ig Nobelsa€™ honor scientific experiments, however theya€™re for a€?those that cannot, or should not, be reproduceda€?, like, we imagine, genetically engineering a chicken that can peck out the notes to the Battle Hymn of the Republic on its cage.
In 2003 a€?endurance artista€? David Blaine subsisted solely on water for 44 days, sitting inside a Plexiglas case above the Thames (which woulda€™ve been far more enjoyable if this stunt incorporated elements of the state-fair dunk tank) wowing the few onlookers who werena€™t preoccupied hurling anything they could get their hands on at him. Long before David Blaine hoisted himself aloft, this Syrian a€?Pillar Sainta€™ spent 37 years atop a pillar with a heavy iron collar around his neck to show his devotion and expedite beatification paperwork. Stretching out in the bath with a good book or a good person (the type not prone to reaching for electronics at the height of an in-tub argument) is one of the luxuries of life available to regular folks. Tattooing, like invasive surgery, is not something you would want to rush, lest your back ends up resembling what Jackson Pollock might have cleaned up off the floor. The responsibility of having to regularly mow a lawn is enough to make anyone, even those who dona€™t break into hives at the mere sight of anything green and outdoors, want to permanently live in an apartment.
Thankfully, ita€™s unusual to be subjected to a lengthy recital on the piano, especially if you steer clear of hotel bars, where a chanteuse draped over one might momentarily divert attention away from coercing a guest who isna€™t your wife upstairs. He has invented a new colourful teaching tool called the Piano Chord Ruler, which will speed up your learning.
More people than ever are doing jobs that involve minimal physical effort a€“ hell, even the sweatshop workers stitching up a chain storea€™s fall line get chairs these days. Some of the great declarations were signed and some of the great poker hands dealt while people were sitting, and in the spiritual realm yogic fliers have proven that dragging yourself across a hardwood floor isna€™t just for pets with worms.

Here wea€™re focusing on 10 feats involving sitting thata€” like missionary sex with a devout Christiana€”could not have occurred in any other position. Grabbing a cheap nosebleed seat next to a guy whoa€™d suffer cardiac arrest during an impromptu bass solo if he sat any closer a€“ is a great means to scan for vacant spots, which can be had once stadium security is busy shaking a teenager upside down for his stash.
Among our ranks is a champion of a competitive sport for which chronic unemployment would be considered an ideal training regimen: watching TV.
As it happens they took turns sitting on the chair, breaking the record in less than 90 seconds.
In 2000, the Ig Nobel for Public Health was awarded to Scottish researchers who studied injuries sustained from collapsing toilets. Blaine showed that there arena€™t many benefits to such extreme asceticism unless youa€™re impressing the gods or a ballet teacher. People apparently climbed up the pillar daily to bring him food and ask his advice, which was no doubt quite insightful coming from a lunatic who had spent the past three decades 15 meters above civilization. All you need is some bubbly, glasses, and the ability to rouse yourself if youa€™re alone and pass out drunk.
The current record for most tattoos given by someone in a 24-hour period is for a star, appropriately needled under the dermis in the Lone Star state 726 times (luckily, to 726 different people). The sound of some inconsiderate prick starting up his lawnmower bright and early on a Saturday morning while youa€™re trying to sleep off what initially put you face down in said lawn the night before is enough to justify voluntary manslaughter. Unless the fruit of your loins is up there letting you judge whether the money spent on piano lessons could have been better spent on classes for the tone deaf, ita€™s unlikely that youa€™d ever have to endure two hours of different versions of a€?Chopsticksa€?, to the point youa€™d want to stick a couple in your ears. Besides Bruno Mars, the artists credited for writing and composing the song are Ari Levine, Philip Lawrence and Andrew Wyatt. He''s also taken the basics of guitar strumming and applied them to piano chords, so you can play simple songs straight away.
This isna€™t all positive, however, as a slothful lifestyle will kill you faster than taking a€?what doesna€™t kill you will only make you strongera€? to heart.
Briton Terry Twining set a world record for changing seats by touching down on 40,040 of them in a Belgian soccer stadium over a 48-hour hemorrhoid-inducing episode to raise money for a charity.
Torontonian Suresh Joachim watched TV for 69 hours and 48 minutes on a€?Live with Regis and Kellya€?a€” a€?ona€™ Regis and Kelly, not a€?ofa€™, which woulda€™ve no doubt required a Quakera€™s commitment to curbing violent impulses. Skeptics might point out that this exploit could be bested any time with a shopping mall Santa, a stopwatch and Ritalin withdrawal.

What they found was that far from pre-bout sumo wrestlers stopping by for a bowel movement, most of these incidents were because the pulverized porcelain was old. Thata€™s on the more pleasant side of the spectrum of bathing for reasons other than strictly cleanliness or doing the dishes in a small apartment. Many lawnmowers are pieces of junk that take numerous pulls and countless expletives to start, while others, like the ones you sit on, provide a leisurely few hours of inhaling fumes before your freehold resembles a putting green.
A 28-hour piano recital sounds like something reserved for a cocktail lounge in one of the more sinful circles of Dantea€™s hell, but thata€™s just how long a Canadian pianist went, with a 300-piece repertoire.
Willing your body to gelatin with a sedentary lifestyle will shave years off your life and if you smoke while sitting down, the strain of jumping up in shock at just how unhealthy that is might kill you, so we wona€™t elaborate.
As oddly impressive a feat as this was, it should be noted that the stadium was empty of all flare-setting opposing fan-stomping hooligans at the time, otherwise we woulda€™ve given him the top slot on this list.
During this retinal pummeling feat, he was given 15 minute breaks every eight hours to apply eye drops, vacate his bowels and pray for another writersa€™ strike. Then we have Jackie Bibby, the aptly named Texas Snake Man, who, cowboy hat topping his dome, sat in a bathtub with 87 snakes for 45 minutes. Just imagine how silly youa€™d feel if you got one of these record-setting etchings, just in time for an artist less sensitive to caffeine-inducedA  tremors to come along and top it. Why anyone would want to sit on one of these for longer than it would take to polish off a few beers and let a gust of wind take care of the rest is beyond us, though not one Gary Hatter, who started in Maine, in May 2000 and passed through all 48 continuous US states as well as Canada and Mexico in a 23,487.5 km record setting riding mower journey. The song is about the regret experienced after one has just let the love of his life leave, it is the recognizing of the things that could have been done but were not.
Either of us would have taken the challenge had the tub been filled with water that the snakes had been held under for a few days, but the tub was dry and they were all alive and poisonous. Several rhythmic playing styles are covered so you can play ballads, pop, rock and many other types of songs.

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