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13.06.2014 admin
In light of a broken engagement, local taxi driver, part-time stripper and longtime conspiracy theorist Brian McHugh outlined an intricate theory to Donegal Dollop reporters this week to explain his failure to begin a new relationship.
Brian said he began to suspect a "hidden hand" at work during the months following his breakup with then-fiancee Aisling Doherty, from Upper Keeldrum, when potential girlfriends routinely refused to return his calls or texts.
Others targeted by McHugh as conspiracy players include a female dispatcher who works for his taxi company, his mother, and a waitress he asked out three months ago.
Longtime friend Declan Diver agrees that Brian's single status is no fluke, but he rejects Brian's analysis. A popular annual sporting event, which has become a major source of depraved parochial rivalry in Co.Donegal, has been cancelled due to an alleged upsurge in domestic violence during the course of the event. The annual Donegal SheepDog trials have traditionally taken place around the time of the first full moon of the month in the month of April, and has been the scene of some fierce battles in the recent past. The club were keen to implement preventative measures to make sure we did not to see a repeat of last years debacle when Donegal womens refuge were inundated and had to use tented accomodation for the victims of noise violence from their over zealous agronomist partners, but alas the dye had been set.
A spokesperson for the group known as the Effected Wives Emotional Support, or EWES for short, who wished to remain anonymous, has come forward to tell horror stories of being lambasted and whistled at with a few cases were some women were coerced into grouping together and chased around the family home.
Celebrated Donegal native, Packy Linkbox McGrenanigin, recently returned from the states to discover that the local art scene is not what it used to be and is now on the verge of destitution.
His significant talents were recognised early on in the fateful sojourn as Packy began making a name for himself 'loitering' in and around prominent New York landmarks accumulating vast riches with generous donations from the art-savvy New York public. But, as with most of the great Irish diaspora, there came the time when the call of Roisins' emerald shore was too much of a draw for Packy and he made the trip back to his native donegal.
Packy has since found out that the life of an artist is not so clear cut as it once was as the recession and subsequent austerity measures have seen the goverment cut its funding for artisans of his ilk. Packys latest tour de force is entitled 'man with brown paper bag' can be seen most wknds on Letterkenny main st. Michileen O'Tiernan, a 68 year old pensioner, is the bookies favorite to be crowned 'the drunkest man' at this weeks weekly guzzlefest event at the Croisvalley, Donegal. Personal trainer and close friend Diminic MacGiollaAspergers told the Dollop "Feck it hey, O'Tiernan will be coming into town this week with a feckin full feckin pension book i'll tell ya, and I'll tell ya one thing, he'll have the wind in his sails hey after last weeks craic".
Local business' and parents groups had called for the event to be banned in the past in light of alleged negative reinforcement of stereotypes on impressionable minds and the fact that most american tourists visiting these parts get so distracted video taping the shenanigans that they forget to spend those precious dollars.
But a spokesman for the event organisers said: "The pensioners love it, you can see the enjoyment in their faces, stopping this event would be like taking away their one reason for venturing out on a friday".
Beatrice McCriddo, a thirty-six-year-old housewife from the Portsalon area of Donegal, is today planning her revenge on a local gang who are supposedly going around vandalizing cars in the area. Sources have informed us here at the Dollop that the infamous  'Deadly Car-Wiper Assassination SqWAD' have been operative in this quiet and unassuming area of Donegal for four months now, targeting the cars of the ex-girlfriends of their notoroius leader, 'Bhilly'.
Our reporter took to the streets of Portsalon to investigate, but was unable to find anyone, anywhere. RTE, the only public service broadcaster in Ireland, is to launch a new radio station in Donegal to go head-to-head with local stalwart, Sighland Radio. All over Donegal, victims who for years have been crying out for someone to put a halt to their incessant ear-bleeding on account of listening to an endless stream of lame jingles, out of date music, and re-processed news, are expressing sheer delight that a serious broadcaster is to take to their airwaves, no longer distilling the local world around them to a colloquial lowest-common denominator, otherwise known as 'garbage'. Fran Defaboulus from Fanad has been as mask model since losing his job  in a heashop 2 years ago. The media has however landed Fran in the shit with an angry mob after The model’s picture was printed with the caption “man with mask and knife” in one of Donegal’s  leading news sources, next to a story about a very serious crime which took place in the county recently. The picture seems to have played on the emotions of those that saw it, leading to fear and subsquently an angry mob. The Donegal Tact Awarness Association have expressed their outrage of the use of the picture. Gardai in Buncrana have opened a file and begun investigating a local lad after accusations were made by a Priest, who wishes to remain unnamed, that the boy had molested him on no less than 17 separate occasions.

The alleged molestation happened last year when the parties involved were aged 11 and 72 respectively.
The Gardai are treating the case as “serious” and are pursuing every avenue of investigation. The Gweedore Bar in Falcarragh was hit with an ultimatum this week - change the name to The Cloughaneely Bar or physically move the bar 17km west to Gweedore. The pub has been given until before the Falcarragh festival in July to change it, otherwise they may be closed down.
Donegal is set to have another brush with showbusiness later this year as film crews descend on the county in order to film an episode of hit comedy series 'South Park'. Creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone emailed the Dollop with quotes and images out of the blue, just like that within minutes of the news being announced, enabling us to publish yet another article without doing any actual journalism. The Michelin Man , star and spokesman of the Michelin Auto company , has been awarded with a brand spanking new cafe in the centre of Letterkenny in a bid to boost business and tourism in the town. The Michelin man was said to be looking forward to finally settling down and running his new cafe. With the better weather and summer months approaching, Falcarragh beach has seen the return of its regular visitors: the seals.
Seals are usually sighted on the sand bar beside the pier around the Summer months.This year, Falcarragh will be once again holding their annual Seal Club. The Summer House has added some Canadian items to the menu such as seal flipper pie, maple syrup on chips, and moose balls. In a 3 year investigation commissioned by Tobacco na hEireann, results have found that the majority of Irish smokers are rolling their own cigarettes. The findings suggest that by taxing the roach material used for roll-ups would have a drastic impact on the overall amount of smokers thus leading to many cutting down 'big shtyle' or giving up all together. The proposal, which was discussed with Irish health experts today, was being met with mixed reviews about whether or not it would actually do anything to discourage smoking. One taxi company was unhappy about the new tax , saying "ah come on now lads , the amount of young ones taking me business cards and tearing wee corners off them for roach is high enough . Recent reports suggest 'The Rare Old Mountain Dew' and fairy encounters are on the increase again.
Donegal Dollop have discovered a tenuous link between the rise in comsumption of moonshine and encounters with the fairy realm in post-auschterity Donegal. A spokesperson for the fairy realm, Sir Eleqwyn O'Misce, said today "Be the holy feck, this is a quare wan sham. You know who I mean; they can be seen mincing about bars and clubs in every town, with their in-your-face attitudes and flamboyant outfits, openly celebrating their love of George Michael (Their famous spokesman), Yes, I'm talking about The Greeks.
Yesterday I recieved a call about an elderly woman in Milford who was regaling the elderly with tales from her youth, more specifically, her experience aboard the now famous cruise ship, Titanic. It is alleged that a Donegal man has fraped his daughter on no less that 4 ocassions in the last 3 years. The daughter, now 17, alleges that after the frape her father had apologised and said not to tell her mother and gave her sweets.
The niece of the man says her frape happened during a visit to his home at the Christmas period. Fionnula Ni Cretin was celebrating in style last night in Sean Ogs pub in Gweedore after getting news that she had won €16,000,000 in the Spanish Lottery.
Mrs Ni Cretin expects the money to be in her account in 6 days,but that hasn't stopped her from buying stuff on tick. Donegal is to receive a bailout by 80's acid house band, The KLF (also known as The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu) after news that over the weekend, the KLF will rock into Letterkenny town in their ice-cream van, the ghost of country-singer Tammy Wynette flinging cones from its roof.
Letterkenny’s thriving drug culture was incepted in the year 1352, when a mountain-man found a mushroom and swallowed it whole.

It was during this time that Barrett participated in meetings with both the far-right Forza Nuova Party in Milan and extremist National Democratic Party (NPD) and its youth wing in Germany. A local councillor had been trying to discuss the issue of the state of the sewage system when he was cut down by his counterparts and his argument was flushed away.He had been on a run with his opening statements, but moments later he was blocked up by a senior member who quashed the whole thing. A chinese national now living in Letterkenny is said to extremely offended regarding a remark made about her 2-year-old son, Wing Ding, who had been attending a pre-school with other local Irish children.
Wing Ding's mother overheard a teacher taking to another mother, who was there to collect her daughter, about her son.
Brian has even traced the conspiracy to figures in the highest echelons of Donegal society, including former Donegal Daily editor Don Egal, Margot, and Cilla Black. After spending several years developing his signature conceptual art style dubbed 'non-work', Packy travelled to many art hotspots gaining noteriety in the UK in places like Liverpool, Glasgow and later closer to home in Strabane,  before making the big leap to try his luck in the US of A. The event usually attracts some serious contenders from far and wide so it promises to be a close run affair.
Refereing to last friday when Michileen had romped home with a fine finish at a similar event in neighboring Gweebarra last friday with an impressive total of 25 half pints of Stout and 40 halfs of Powers. The number of tourists who've been wrecking my brain saying Falcarragh is in Gweedore has just hit breaking point.
The tourist and traders expect to see a large influx of Canadians for the event and have been making preparations to accommodate their tastes.
C'mire till I tell ya hiy, we've been largely bleedin' ignored over the lasht sufferin jaysus while hiy, what with the would ya believe this shite economic boom and all. He led me into a common room where I witnessed the woman, surrounded by eleven people who were engrossed in her story.
A court in Letterkenny was told last week how his daughter, then aged 14,had been fraped while home alone with her father. It is that one incident from over 600 years ago that Letterkenny people owe their rich drug culture heritage to. Una mhor has been actively campaigning to impose her version of family values on the rest of the country for decades now. Barrett, from Tipperary (but we won't hold that against him), has been a controversial figure since opposing the Single European Act back in 1986. Barrett later claimed not to have been aware that these parties were neo-fascist, ant-semitic, racist neo-Nazis, which, to be fair, is believable considering his pro-ignorance stance on so many other issues. The idea of getting the pub to change it's name has been going round me head like a pair of runners in a washing machine”, stated a well know member of the tourists and traders committee.
Phwist now till I tell ya, sure the human folk all went a bit mad with all this free German gold, get out of dodge, us poor wee folk hadn't a feckin look in hiy. Her mother had been out shopping at the time and the incident had happened in the family home. Una, who was ‘pro-forcing people to live in an unhappy marriage’ back in the 1990s, famously referred to pro-divorce campaigners (and I shit you not) as “wife-swapping sodomites”. A pro-ignorance stance that typifies Youth Defence’s latest campaign, for it is only through misinformation and a lack of knowledge that they can convince their supporters. I was going to clean up this town, now it seems like the notion of a new sewer system has gone down the shitter.
It was, however, during his ‘No to Nice’ campaign at the turn of the millennium when he become more than just your typical Catholic high-horser.

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