We have a dream in which one day all followers of Christ will embrace a Biblical Worldview for every facet of their lives, leaving behind humanistic philosophies in health, finance, and relationships.
Jeremiah Films' purpose is to uncover darkness and bring Truth into focus through documentary-style films and videos. As I allow the disappointment to get as big and painful as it needs too, something happens that has happened many times in my life during difficult experiences. For many years, I searched to be a better person, to become wiser, and to learn how to live a full and productive life, and to be admired. Patience has been my work this year and I’ve learned much about the difference between tolerance and patience. The voting was heavy and because most of us know each other in some way, our politics are often known. Later heading home, fatigue turned to laughter and memory recorded these shared emotional experiences of inspiration. Since that time, I have written of the learning that came from my choice and consequently his choices.
As I was leaving the workshop, a young woman came up to me and asked me to share what meditation had meant in my life. My deepest longing is to love and be loved and yet fear can hold me back by expecting perfection.
Michael Singer wrote a book called The Untethered Soul, and it speaks of the way to let the personality desires play out while the Seer of what is transpiring watches without judging or clinging to an outcome.
It has been some seventy-two hours since I began this essay and then stopped writing because I realized I was living in a huge story and could not write authentically from that place. It has been seven years since this small community called to me and embraced me within its furry mountains and quiet streams.
When he turns, his familiar face and eyes are beaming toward me as he explains that he is looking for the rock we used in meditation the last time we visited the creek.
His love for me is visible in the steady gaze of his eyes, and it both comforts and frightens me.
It is late evening and Mark Nepo’s words speak to me; his writings have been an inspiration in many ways during the past few months. At first, the feeling is a bit overwhelming and tears flow as I remember Nepo’s request to include looking at the lighted candle as part of my meditation. It is spring again; forty-eight years have past and yet my memories of a small toddler are as vivid as every. It is good to remember the joy of him running across the yard, small frog in hand and joy in his face, panting as he recalls how challenging it was for him to catch it. He made the team, got a new girlfriend, went off to college, had much success, and oh so many friends.
Mark Nepo is my author of choice the last few days, and his writing speaks to me in the silence of my being and I am changed by what I hear. As the cherry blossom, I stand in the glow of the sun knowing that I add beauty and wonder to the earth and to its inhabitants. Mark Nepo in his book, The Awakening, asked the questions: How am I different from others and how am I the same.
Each of us experiences death of our physical body, each of us grows physically from birth to death, each of us is capable of thought, each of us experiences the pain of physical life and the joys. I believe deep in our core of being, we are each a small piece of the Universe, and we have manifested into this unique physical form equipped with the tools and a gift we need to create our healing part of the collective. As I began to ride the bike, it seemed a bit big for my frame and often my back hurt after riding a long distance, so I chose to buy a new girl’s bike. On the ride back to the trailhead, my friend and I rode together; I shared that the bike had belonged to my son and he was the first to ride it besides me.
This natural symbol of equality of day (light) and night (dark) is a reminder that light and dark are different not better or worse. Equality is a slippery word in our culture and the term is often used to compare one thing, one thought, one person, and one event to another. This search for meaning has brought me to this autumnal point, and to a knowing that equality is expressed within through an attitude of “non-judgment” about what we can see, smell, hear, taste, and touch through our five senses.
Observation of the equality of light and dark during this Fall Equinox reminds me that deep equality means no judgment or comparisons are needed. One particular Saturday, a call came that a baby rabbit had been very still in the garden for a long time and appeared injured. A few days later, I was the human contemplating the impermanence in nature and wondering what to do.
Recently I met my daughter and her family to fulfill her wish to visit the two homes where she had been a baby. As I approached the door, I remembered my husband carrying me across the threshold; I remembered bringing my son and daughter home to the loving arms of an extended family that had arrived to celebrate their coming into Life.
Unbelievably, the man and woman that had bought the house from us still lived there, and it felt wonderful that they had continued to add their love of the house to ours.
Neighbors dropped in yesterday and provided me with fun, friendship, and an unexpected sacred moment. It was a balmy late spring day and the hydrangeas were in full bloom and served as a backdrop as we drank smoothies, ate rice chips and salsa, and enjoyed a glass of wine on my screened porch. We shared how important it is to avoid fearful story-telling about what is happening and to simply deal with what is happening right now in the present moment. My friend is out of town and some part of me is pleased by the freedom that gives to me and I have an authentic knowing that he is doing what enriches his life. As I sit typing this, I realize that my day is my own creation and whether or not I act from a place of fear is all up to me. From some people the question triggers a feeling of annoyance within me, and I sometimes give them an answer like, “nothing special just the usual things or there’s always plenty to do.” It is more avoidance of responding from annoyance than an answer.
It is a reminder that I am not here to fulfill anyone else’s expectations; I am here to find meaning and purpose for my own life. This morning I awaken to the gentle sound of rain, and I snuggle down into the night’s accumulated warmth under my blankets.
Again no thoughts come, just an incredible presence and knowing that in each moment there is beauty and nurturing for the soul for the taking. The physical discomfort is in my second energy center, which I understand to be the energy center of creativity and belonging, and it is sending me a message. A few days ago, Eckhart Tolle’s book, called The New Earth, was mentioned in a conversation with a friend, and I had a knowing that I wanted to reread it. In that moment, I began to look at my choices during the past few months and the intentions behind them. In that moment, I chose to look into his clear blue eyes and said, “Hi.” He didn’t look at me, but his eyes were alive with the joy and pure light of the incredible sun that rose through the window of the elevator. The fast moving falls as it entered the pool of water surrounded by ice at its base had created the shape of a large and pulsing heart.
Many emotions were resident in my body; the state of love and the state of fear fought for domination. Living without attachment and an open heart creates vulnerability, and it is sometimes difficult to do from the shadows of past experiences.
For some who knew him well, his physical presence will be missed and their healing will take time. We traveled from these hills the same direction as we had the day before, southwest, making 12 in the morning and 18 in the afternoon, making 30 miles.
This morning marched 10 miles and came to these hills where we are now passing southwest direction to find a pass, if possible, for the wagons into another valley. We continued our course, southeast, until we make 20 miles and camped on another plain between the mountains on a creek in the center of the flats. We have had some beautiful plains to pass over as we have come along, but a lack of water and timber. We traveled until 10 o’clock and I got ahead of all the train and stopped and took a picture of the mountains around. There was in the evening, an Indian Chief come in and told us that we was on the right road and that last summer there was one wagon went down where we was calculating to go yesterday. We left one wagon above and yesterday another as we was descending and we are not yet down and out of this hole that is here marked out. The weather is rather cool and the clouds are in the west, hovering over the mountains as far as you can see. On the sixth day, the camp traveled through the brush for about 12 miles and passed in among the hills and I found a beautiful grove of young timber of ash and a kind of walnut, a little like black walnut and a great variety of other wood or brush which grows on the mountains and in the valleys, good to burn. One of the Spanish drovers left and went to the Spanish settlement below here a short distance.
This is a large valley and we are calculating to descend it northwest until we come to the river Saint Padra. I awoke and told my dream and went to sleep and dreamed that I was called up by the brethren to tell it which I did and told them I thought it was for not keeping the covenants, but use the name of the Lord, their God in vain and it had become common language to curse each other. The bottom land here is about one mile wide, with now and then a scrape of bottom much wider.
This day, some of our hunters informed me that they have seen a number of bear tracks and one was the width of his hand and length of his thumb. Last night I took a view of our camping ground and saw that it was like the one we had the night before.
This is the mountains east are very high, running south until they come against this camp, then they turn east rounding corner and then turns north as I have laid down on another map down the St. These mountains are from the left of the center line, running southeast to northwest and on the other side of the road is mountains that are as high as these on the left. This land that we have passed between here and town is baron, desolate waste and nothing grows here and it looks like the best of land, a plenty of wood here, fires. I then looked and I stood at the right hand of him and expected he would say something, but did not. I remembered a dream I had before, which was this: I saw him all alone and said I, “There is my father” and got him by the hand and said, “Bless me, O my father. These mountains are those that are on the right hand and is about the same distance and height of those on the left. Along our last days travel, which is the 21 day and I am now in camp, in the borders of the Pema town or on the east side of town. This, the 22 day of December, on Tuesday morning, we left our first camping ground on the Hely and went down this river 8 miles to the Pemo village and pitched our tents.
On the 24th day, I got in conversation with one of our guides and showed him my map of Hely River and the Colorado, Salt and Francisco. Marched at 10 o’clock from our camp and the maricopers and raveled southwest by west 8 miles, then by the end of the mountains four miles southwest then west, far enough to make 18 miles and camped on the desert on the left hand side of some hills. This is Christmas Day and yesterday there was watermelon brought in camp for sale and they was good melons, too.
I saw the Chief last night and he said that he knew who we was and some time he meant to go and see the Mormons in California.
In one hollow or gully, it is said that this valley is the best of any and that here is a good place for raising any kind of grain, also anything of the fruit kind, and by the looks of the land here, it seems that a nation might be fed here as in Egypt, by watering the land which might be easily done. This day I had a talk with Brother Dikes and traveled about 2 miles with him, in which time he told me that he had wanted some conversation for some time and would be glad if I would give him some council and then said that there was considerable feelings existing against him in the Battalion and he would like to do right and that he considered that I was the one to come to get council.
I told him I already had that laid to me and I had had a put down for it when there never had been any cause for it and if I should give any council, it would be said again that I sought power and authority and I had concluded not to give any council to any officer, lest it should cause further jealousy. And then he said that he could clear himself of the charges that was against him and that he had defied any man to prove either Eclyseastacle or Military Law against him, for he had kept them both and when he got to the Church things he thought would be differently represented and would not appear as bad as many suppose and then asked me if I did not think that he had better be independent and do the thing strictly according to law. This day we traveled ten miles and come to the river northwest, then turned west by north and went ten miles further and being 18 miles over the best kind of land. We came to the top of the hill and the mountains presented a sight and I stopped and drew the shape of them.
This day made 7 miles over the hill, down on the flats near the bank of the river near a mountain which many ascended and viewed the country and I could see the winding Hely for a long distance. I tell the brethren to wait until they can have a hearing before the authorities of he Church and to be as patient as possible. But, thank God we have served 6 months, save eleven days and we will try to heave it as good soldiers, although our shoes are worn out, our torn clothes are all almost gone, the skins of beavers are used for moccasins. Took a northwest course for four miles and turned around a mountain and in two miles further west, I took the shape of the end of the long mountains seen a long way back. Here the river has a bend and the valleys are not so wide as they are above, and sometimes to be narrow down below here, which is a southwest course from here and looks like the worst of going.
These hills was seen west of northwest a long ways back and sometimes the peak that is above, was west.
After we had turned around here, we had to pass through the bottoms, the thickest kind of brush and small cane and cottonwood or poplar, willow and many other kinds of small brush. I have now got in camp and the course we traveled from the bluffs was a northwest course for about two miles and began to bear a little around towards the west and now we are going west and I take some peaks that I can just see on the top of a hill or mountain as we are on the bottoms. We traveled through sand and over gravel, course and fine, until we made 12 miles and camped on the bank of the Colorado.
There is no chance for any landscape here, only on the other side and up stream is a mountain. I thought I would go and see him myself not knowing it was against orders, as I afterwards heard it was. I am now about 8 miles from our last night’s camp and while on my way here I sometimes discovered something on the ground that looked like a red clear stone.
Hah-yo-de-yah, is all he scrub that grows here on this desert and no grass and in the aroyohs, muskeet and a few other scrubs.
This day traveled northwest by west course until we came to where men was digging a well and found water, but it was poor and but little of it and we was ordered to march on to the next, which was 20 miles ahead.
This day made 18 miles over some hills of sand and the bottoms or flats was gravel and sand. Here is a vineyard that looks beautiful and I am told that there have been clusters of grapes that would weigh 14 pounds and that not uncommon. We put up, making 20 miles this day, by a good creek that would make the best of mill seats, not more than two rods to dam in between the mountains of rocks and there might be a lake formed big enough to water all the country below, but lack of building timber here. Once I felt it in my heart and although our men, many of them had become basically wicked, He would spare them. 4 miles from last nights camp and in plain sight of the snow top mountain described here, which I took yesterday and soon after I took it, I ascended a hill and looked at the northwest and between the hills down a valley, I saw a wide extended plain and an arm of the big waters, putting up a point of land, running into the sea about northwest. At the northeast mountains covered with snow and here it is hot and all things in bloom, birds singing and all around presents a beautiful sight. It was Christmas of 1939, and Ida and Viola, my two sisters, were working in Salt Lake City. The LaGrande 2nd Ward, of which I was a member and from which I was leaving for my Mission, gave me a farewell party as we customary in those days. My brother Alex and his wife had not been to the Temple to have their marriage sealed since she had joined the Church a few years before. Those of us going down to Salt Lake were Alex and Mildred, their two sons, Richard and Gerald, my sister Viola, and Dorothy Richeson, a friend, and myself. Previous to my going on my Mission and during the time we were making plans to go, I had somewhat of a heavy feeling.
Then, the morning of April 25th came and I found myself, along with all, or a lot, of the other Missionaries getting ready to leave on various trains for their mission fields.
Of course, I was ready in the alloted time and on my way to Downey to work with Elder Ray Fransen. After visiting with him all afternoon and again in the evening, after Conference was over, Theron took us home.
In a couple of weeks we called back to see if she had read the book and to pick it up if she was through with it.
After he left, we went out to Sister Moss’s place to break the news to her and her husband, because Elder Holt also was being transfered to Compton, California, and there would be no missionaries in Downey at all.
President Hagey and I stayed in Los Angeles that night and the next morning he drove me out to Riverside, which I greatly appreciated, as I did not have a car then. We soon moved our headquarters of the Mission (District) to a better location, and the Missionaries started coming into the District. About a month later I was down in the Los Angeles area and went out to call on them for a visit.
Once, President Durham wrote to me to see if I would come down and speak in the Downey Branch for their Sacrament Meeting. She had originally resigned as pastor of the local United Brethren Church there in Holiday, California when she first decided to join ours; then after backing out of being baptized she went back and accepted the position again. While in Riverside, I had the privilege of baptizing a Sister James and her six children into the Church. Once, when I had gone down there to take over the office from President Burton, I toured the district and visited all the branches in it. I met some wonderful friends down in the Imperial Valley; President Cyril Gardner, and President Lunsford of the El Centro and Brawley Branches.
It was here we met and stayed with a wonderful family by the name of Arthur Lee {LN’s note: This man, Arthur Lee was a first cousin to Rhoda Jane Perkins Wakefield, being a descendant of Mosiah Hancock}. At this time of my life my hair was getting pretty thin in front, and in her conversation she turned to Elder Richards and asked him if he was out of high school. Both Elders Grant Fisher and Glen Sorenson turned out to be really good missionaries and both served as District Presidents before their missions were finished. That evening I held a meeting with the missionaries and gave them their assignments as to where they would labor.
After all the elders were assigned and working, I took three Elders with me and drove to Bishop. We met regularly every week with her in her home and enjoyed the Spirit of the Lord to a very great degree. It had grown into a habit each week that after our subject matter was completed and we had taught them that part of the Gospel plan we had decided on, that Dorothy would bring in some sort of refreshment such as pie and ice cream. When I arrived in San Francisco it was raining and nearly evening by the time I found the Mission Home. That night and the next day I spent time with President Ellsworth outlining what he had in mind for me to do.
Then, he told me to go to Reno, Nevada, hold the Conference there and instruct the Missionaries. I was in Reno, Nevada when my release took effect, and with instruction to stop in Salt Lake to be set apart as a Counselor in the Bishopric, it would not allow for me to go back down to Bakersfield to baptize Dr.
The next morning, which was Sunday, I went out to go to Church with my sister and brother-in-law, Paul and Helen Zaugg. The first of the week, or Monday morning, I went into the Church Offices to be interviewed and report my mission. If so, this book will teach you the signs and symptoms to help you discover if your thyroid might be the key to unlocking your health potential. It is morning, a light rain continues, the winds are not as strong and yet the bamboo grove sways and sweeps the ground. The week continued to have some misadventures and some spectacular adventures and the courageous and joyous parts of me lived them fully.
So as this year ends, the compassionate patience I feel for myself fills my heart and it is soft with love; a love that has always been close at hand and seemingly just out of my reach.
The voters are old friends, new friends, community workers, casual acquaintances, and families coming together to express their preferences through voting. As the voting lines formed for this election, we stood together only as neighbors—rich and not so rich, young and not so young, extraverted and not so extraverted, highly educated and not so highly educated, multi-raced, blue voters and red voters—without malice or ill intent. He looked concerned and said to me, My father-in-law is out in my truck; he is 85 and he’s had a medical procedure today and we’ve been with the doctors. It was an unforgettable moment; we hugged and thanked each other for making it possible for Zach to vote. This one has certainly changed the content of my last two days, and the intention to expand the experiment is exciting and feels like a spiritual loving act. As I sat on my deck looking out over the city, the leaves of fall were turning the world into bright hues of red, orange, and brown.


I felt reluctant, but I had had some physical limitations during the last year that had been difficult to accept and meditation had really supported my healing. Without being sure of outcomes or things unseen, this is my opportunity to act without attachment and with the joy of what I will learn from the experiences my actions create. The withdrawal I needed and the healing it has brought to me has completed this phase of my life.
The need for expansion comes from an internal voice that says explore, experiment, and do not become complacent. When the time and move is right, something within my spirit will say, “Get crackin.” The patience to wait for that insight has come as a part of the growth I’ve found in this small blue house on top of a hill surrounded by mountains. He agreed to run away for a day to escape the heat and discomfort brought on by a loss of electrical power in our homes even though his electricity had returned.
This evening he invites me to light a candle, to close my eyes, to reopen my eyes, and to see each thing before me.
I stood in wonder at this amazing child so full of life and uninhibited yearning to have a good time and accomplish what he set out to do. He wanted to have the biggest paper route and he wanted to make the most sales at his part-time job. Academics didn’t seem to be his focus, but he seemed to relish his relationships and became the life of the party and the favorite student to his teachers. Now his spirit of aliveness lives in me and the memory of his voice reminds me that Life in this physical realm is short and that what we create here lives forever within those we have truly touched. His voice stills my mind, brings me to the present, and opens my heart to listen not to the words but to the message his words point too. What I’ve noticed is that they look more closely, eat more slowly, move more deliberately, and listen intently to others. I am sometimes impatient, but I’m learning to accommodate his need for being on my right side to hear more clearly.
Then he issued an invitation to sit in silence with eyes closed and contemplate these questions. We are here together at this time, in this place, and in this specific body to understand that the essence of all Life exists in each of us humans and in all living matter.
If we examined each Life, it would not be what happens to us that would be different for pain and joy comes to everyone; it would be how we respond to what happens to us that has created our unique experience of our individual Life.
Another woman loses a child and creates a charity in its name and supports the lives of many children. To live well is to choose to grow into what we are most capable of being and be grateful for the uniqueness of the Life. I am a personality in a physical body with the power of logic and thought as is everyone else. Two years ago it was refurbished with new tires, new horns on the handlebars, and had been given a good checkup so it could be used for riding with my new bike group.
Without hesitation, I offered the unused bike in the garage, and I felt my heart open to the possibility that the bike would finally be used. They were planted by the property owner in the early 1900s and seem to be a symbol of welcome outside the front door of an ancient majestic medieval stone castle. To quote Wikipedia: …the Sun is at one of two opposite points on the celestial sphere where the celestial equator and ecliptic intersect.
If there is a value judgment placed by me on what I see, it is sure to mean that I do not see myself as equal—it could be a feeling of doing better or of a feeling of doing less, of being stronger or of being weaker, in control or not in control. It is summer and the calls to rescue injured or troubled animals and people come in quite often. The caller stated that hawks were circling and it wouldn’t be long before the rabbit could not be saved. What happens are visions of past experiences, people, and places that are pictures in the mind’s album. They had added gardens, doors, patios, waterfalls, fireplace, and fish—just to mention a few of their creations.
It is challenging to accurately describe a sacred moment and the power it contains, so I’ll start slowly from the beginning. I can feel within me the need to know who is the night raider and how can I change what is happening in order to have my world be as I choose it to be. The birds are chirping in the trees, the squirrels are trying to get into the bird feeders, the breeze is moving the leaves, the raindrops are collecting on the deck, and the mountains stand observing it all. There is no thinking only comfort and presence; it is as if I am one with my feelings and it feels like what I believe peace to be. As I began, I felt I was reading it for the friend to support him in his relationship with someone he loves; but as I began to read, I knew the book’s message would bring me the understanding of what I needed to know that I was resisting unconsciously. The elevator door opened and a middle-aged woman entered pushing a teenage boy in a wheelchair.
We passed over the best kind of land I ever saw and came to another creek, putting down from the west into this river large enough to carry a grist mill continually and might be brought onto a overshot wheel as clear as crystal. Taylor of the First Council of the Seventy, I was asked if I wanted to go to New Zealand, being as that was where my Mother had been made a convert to the Church and had lived all her growing years until she was about twenty one years old.
Moss got a little tired of their conduct also, for she reached over and slapped one of the women on the arm who was doing most of the talking and said, “Shut up!” She told them if they would just listen to me I could explain everything. Lyle Wynn came in to take my place as District President, and I left along with Elder Sorenson who was transferred with me.
Button and her membership in the Church: Each year for two or three years she would lock up her office and go up to Salt Lake to do Temple work and research in genealogy. Berglund decided to write this book after seeing countless patients come to him after another doctor’s lab testing showed their thyroid to be fine.
The disappointment is strong and yet I can take a small step toward the bathroom and get dressed. As I compared the pictures of me as a child and me as a grown woman, I finally could see my own beauty and it made me laugh with joy. As the New Year begins, my heart is open and I look forward to the experiences I will create. As a poll worker, the day was long, warm inside, cold outside, enjoyable, inspiring, and at times emotional. He is immobile at the moment and concerned because he has never missed an election since he began to vote. Sometimes it is before an experience and during the experience the words start ringing in my ears. As we began to practice creating scenes, it was immediately clear that it was easier for me to say “yes, but” and it was equally clear that doing so blocked the scene from expanding. Acceptance of “what is” can be challenging and this simple idea of energetically saying, “yes, and” has given me clarity about my own negative or judgmental views as I’ve gone through my day. My heart seemed to stop breathing, my throat was tightly constricted, and the top of my head felt as if it would fly into the trees so great was the pressure.
His choices were courageous; his experiences were dramatic examples of how to live and not to live for those who watched his progress. The deep longing for companionship thwarted by my fear of losing independence is simple but complex within my thoughts about what to allow and what not to allow into my world. Recently a friend was talking about his experiences and how excited he was about his hopes and dreams for the future; I recognized them as both different and similar to my own. It has been amazing and comfortable and productive in a different way than accomplishing projects.
It isn’t dissatisfaction with what is; its more a wonderment of what other experiences and growth are possible for me.
There is a joyful feeling of contentment as the warm air circles close in and sweat runs down my back.
Joy has not always come to me with ease, as my human need to protect myself and those I love is well practiced and vigilant at times. He talks about a concept in a book we are sharing and wonders if he’s got it right; if he has understood it. He encourages me to ask myself how the things I’m seeing are different and how they are the same and listen to my heart speak. It is orange and it’s light is a lacy hue; two triangles extending from it’s center one reaches toward me and the other away from me.
What an awesome experience to see the love of a husband and a father reflected in the toothless grin of a new life. Memories of his birth and death have supported me in finding this place where I intend to live with compassion for others and myself and with a love of Life every day and every minute.
This habit has triggered in me a new perspective about what I see as limitation and opportunity. Today that message is to consider every limitation as an opportunity and to be opened to what is most important to learn in each moment. I now move slowly enough in the morning to watch a cardinal land on the bird-feeder, my glasses magnify the beauty of the gifts that fill my home, my aches encourage me to stretch and care for my body and to find the wisdom to rest when rest is needed.
My nose will tell me of it’s fragrance, my touch will tell me of its softness, but only through my mother’s tone and voice will I know what that fragrance and softness belongs too. As I carefully describe what I’m seeing, my gift to this unseeing child supports me being present enough to fully see it myself; and this level of awareness is the child’s gift to me. As the child, as the mother, or as the cherry blossom, my purpose is simply to live my best life and to grow. The manifestation of that essential Life we have brought into being takes many physical forms; all different, all unique. To make that possible, I pulled it out, pumped up the tires, admired it’s beauty, and my heart felt lighter. As we remounted and rode on, the bike was “just another bike” racing to the song of the fall breeze. Perhaps you look in the mirror and think that you are getting older and no longer beautiful; yes you are getting older, but aging has it’s own beauty.
The ability to bring awareness to the harsh, dramatic, judgmental, and repetitive sounds within our minds contains the freedom we think is not open to us. These points of intersection are called equinoctial points: classically, the vernal point and the autumnal point. So to carry the “Point” into an individual Life, who could argue that pleasant (light) experiences are better or worse than difficult (dark) experiences since every experience has the potential for learning by the being that experiences it. Like the similar times of day and night in this season, we are connected by individual and collective purposes with an equal opportunity to live our best lives.
It is a beautiful spot and it was early evening as the light played its songs upon the angles of the rocks and crevices as we watched.
Today if someone walks along the same path we took, there will be no hint of what occurred between the snake and the frog. Going back there did not necessarily appeal to me either since my relationship to my former husband and her Dad had become faded memories of love and pain. As often happens with this friend, the discussion turned to nature and bird songs in particular.
That feels nurturing and I can feel my heart open as I consider the possibility that life is an illusion created by my thoughts, and I can choose which thoughts I will give my energy too. For others, I just say something like, “planning a quiet day.” That answer feels authentic and supportive of the way I want to live my life.
As the morning unfolds, the feeling of hunger comes and without questioning it, I stretch, arise, and move to my robe.
Without thinking, there is a deep knowing that I am not a separate entity seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling this moment, but an integral part of it and without my energy and presence it would be different.
She said that I was flexible in my hips and so compensated there for the lack of flexibility in the last vertebra of my back. I begin to remember the times in my life when I have felt emotional pain and have chosen to override it with thinking. This morning I read Tolle’s words I needed to hear: If you are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others.
I will ask for guidance to accept what is happening in the moment without adding drama and fearful thoughts or intelligent explanations. I felt impatient with the loss of time and the people that swirled around in the garage seemingly in my way.
He seemed challenged both mentally and physically, and my reaction was to look away so that his mom would not feel I was staring at the young boy.
He wasn’t complaining internally, he wasn’t judging others; he was without fear and was gazing in awe at the light. The courage to challenge my own fear in that moment had supported my own pure light and brought pure joy!
In the sunny light side of the heart pool, the water churned and danced, but in the shaded darker side of the heart pool, the water hardly moved at all.
The rooms overflowed with food and sunlight and sharing and something else I could not identify. Moss to come out and get me to take me back to baptize them, back in Downey, I received a letter from Mrs.
Yet a thorough history and examination revealed many of the symptoms consistent with hypothyroidism or low thyroid. Outside the window, the lily pond beyond the deck is beautiful, the deck is wet and shiny, and the door slightly open lets in a pure and sweet freshness. I can take a small step toward my car and drive the dirt road to the main road; and if the wind is too strong, I can return to this rugged North shore bamboo farm and make the best of it. As I gazed at the photo of the beautiful child holding the doll, I remembered that feeling of love; my heart was soft and full. The beauty had nothing to do with the physical features displayed in the photos; it was the radiance that traveled from my heart through my eyes and took in the world around them. Let me tell you why inspiring and emotional experiences were my companions on this day in small-town America. We kissed each other, hugged each other, waved to each other, talked with each other, supported each other, and laughed and yes cried with each other.
I focused on these positives as we supported him in whatever healing was possible, and eventually, supported him as his alcohol-damaged body died. As she led us in meditation, I felt the deep pain of powerlessness again, and again I invited it to get as big as it could. When I’m in that centered place what happens outside me is like a movie and I can watch my personality, the actor, think and plan and wish without attachment.
It is all a “Story” from the part of me that loves stories and the justification they give for me to be less than open and less than loving. As we parted, I heard myself say to him, looks like you’re on it and I’m just standing beside it. It has been exciting, it has been challenging, it has been peaceful, it has been stimulating; and mostly, it has been healing. I’ve come to look forward to their presence and the feeling of security and safety they trigger within me. Change for many is difficult, but for me the newness of change is invigorating and stimulating.
Expansion now calls and the excitement of just what that will entail lifts my energy and makes me want to sing. I listen to his expressed doubt and somewhat confused words, and have a knowing that he understands it perfectly. We are many flames from the same candle, and yet, just one light; apart we are a flicker but together we make a luminous Life. The memory fills my heart and I see a vision of him in a jaunty Easter hat and sports jacket toddling up the small hill in front of my house; two steps forward and one step back and finally falling and rolling to the bottom only to rise again and begin again with laughter and determination. In time he began to drink alcohol to lessen the pain of the world not always being as he wanted. It is my full responsibility to live with presence and courage and to grow into the person I am called to be.
This act of responsible choice and the intent behind it becomes the vehicle of my creation and the consequence it brings. It has been a life-long habit to observe closely human behavior and sometimes to judge or to give value to what I see; that is changing. They are aware that the opportunity to connect must be given their full attention and they have learned how to do that. The man whose taste and smell is not so acute takes two bites before he makes his choice of what to eat. The veins and wrinkles on the back of my hand remind me that I’m dehydrated and need to drink more water today.
I hear from her there are five petals close together in almost a circle; and where the petals attach in the middle of the cherry blossom, it is a deeper shade of pink that grows almost to white at the petals’ edges.
This delicate flower filled with color and shadow created by the warm and nurturing sun comes alive in my being and is energetically past to this curious and loving child. My heart called me to the computer to put down my feelings, and I became distracted by email for a moment. Each of us makes choices that create our life day-to-day, hour-to-hour, moment-to-moment, and those choices add up to a Life unlike any other. If I stood in a long line of people, those who know me would recognize me even though we all have two eyes, two arms, two legs, one nose, and one mouth. For this Life, in this place, I have a knowing that the Life I have created has supported the Lives of others and me. The answer for me is in what I choose to give my attention and time too; with a conscious intention to live my life fully not someone else’s, just mine. Later we loaded the bike into his SUV, and I felt as feathery light as the evening air rushing across my skin.
No memories flooded me for I was in the moment, and this moment was another level of healing I had not expected. You see a friend walking and think she really wants to walk alone; but in reality when you join her on the walk she is welcoming and the walk enriches you both.
Since being human with the power of our minds to create stories around our experiences, it is often easier to live in an imaginary story of what happened and how we should react than to see that how we respond to an experience in this moment creates the suffering or not.
Growing and aging brought new “judgments” about equality and how to discover what equality really means—not to others, but to me.
It is not always easy to carry that deep sense of equality into our relationships for we are indeed spiritual beings in physical human forms with old patterns of reactions and judgments.
It was peaceful and awe inspiring to see the effects the water has played and still plays upon the landscape as it all shifts and changes imperceptibly.
But there we were in front of a house that I had come to as a bride, altered it with the support of my dad and husband to accommodate our family—a house in which I had brought my children, and where I laughed and cried and planned the perfect future. I thought of a day when the world was perfect because we were exhausted together and happy. The small trees that we had planted cast some shade now, and the flowers his wife had planted added color all around them. My friend had started them from her plants, and her husband had traveled along with her to deliver them to me and to share a few moments of time. So she and I pulled out my IPad to compare what we were hearing in my yard with the Audubon recorded bird-songs.
I looked at her husband and there I saw a deep pain quickly replaced with an expression of deep love for this woman with which he has shared many years.
This is not a new conflict; the difference is that I am aware of the thoughts and feelings within this dynamic that create circumstances I do not wish to occur. I alone am responsible for the experiences I create and it is those experiences that enrich my life if I choose. I’m reading, I’m writing, I’m thinking, I’m dreaming, I’m questioning, I’m answering, but more than anything else I’m simply being here now doing this and it nurtures my life. Sometimes I will be playing golf or tennis, rushing around running a project, working to beautify my yard; but sometimes I’ll simply be choosing to “Be” and for me that will be enough.
The rain is, the fruit is, the wood is, the carpet is, the chair is, the joy garden is, Jon Kabat-Zinn is, the peace is, and I am. She said that when some part of the body is not used, the brain notices and will see the lack of movement as “normal.” She said the unused area becomes more and more unbalanced and eventually creates pain in the body.


I’ve told myself that life is difficult sometimes and have moved on without giving the pain its due course and attention. As I sit with that question and just relax into the moment, I feel certain that if I remain open the question will be answered; not by the intellect, but by something deeper inside me that guides my life if I choose to listen. The light from the sun had entered his eyes and body completely and radiated outward toward anyone who chose to look.
Many days and nights before had been extremely cold so the stream had frozen ice sculptures everywhere with running water painting different shades of gray under its surface as the moving water touched the ice in various ways. It was time to go home and feel the loss of this neighbor I knew only slightly before his death. Doubts about whether I should be here alone nag me and breathing deeply doesn’t seem to help. Many times I’ve experienced that feeling over the years: when I married my new husband, when each of my children were borne, when a bond of female friendship was revealed to me, when I gave unconditional love to an amazing yet flawed man, when I held my grandsons the first time, when I witnessed my son-in-law’s tears at a grave site, and so many moments in nature.
Many times the circumstances of life and my thoughts about them hid my beauty from me, and I could not believe others even when they shared their love and compassion for me. May I remember to look deeply into my own eyes to find love and then freely give it away to others. She literally danced to the voting booth and then out; waving and glowing as she left the precinct.
The voice in my head was still, the polling precinct was quiet, and the room filled with the light of choice I had been witnessing all day.
Of course, there are times when I have to say no to someone, and what I’ve found is that even that is easier when I say yes to what is transpiring in the moment and then expand the conversation or activity to make my point or acknowledge someone else’s need. But inside me deeper than even I imagined was a sense of sadness and powerlessness to change the drinking habits of my 37-year-old son. When I could bare it no longer, it vanished and was replaced with a deep stillness of peace. My overall intention for my life is to love well, and of late, that seems more difficult than it has for the recent past years. It protects me and not in a way that is creative; it prevents me from living each moment as it is with an intention to hear the quiet voice that wisely guides my Life. Then from deep inside me came that still small voice, that is not the Phyllis I know; I recognized the voice as me and not me. It is a song of healing and caring for this person I am and the growing Being that awaits me with my next choice and adventure.
It does not; so I reach my hand toward it and it appears as if the light is resting upon my hand. All these objects, all those I’ve loved, and all those who have loved me are part of this one light.
It is with gratitude that I accept all the parts of me—the difficult and the pleasant—and quietly surrender to the learning that my experience offers in this moment, and the next, and the next. Now more often I observe not to give value but to learn and to appreciate the insight that observing brings to me about me.
As my hair grows and the gray is more visible, I’m reminded of what a long and remarkably healthy life I have and the freedom that brings.
My heart aches with gratitude for this small being whose blindness first filled me with sadness; but now has added a measure of being alive that could not have been possible without what I once considered to be her handicap. There in the emails I read: We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. It sat and sat, and I would see it with a flood of emotions triggered by the healing and loss it represented. It takes a deep intention to look inside us and see those patterns, take a second look, and remind ourselves they are imaginary stories we have created to feel okay in this particular incarnation and perhaps others.
Since the evolutionary process of physical “survival of the fittest,” has taught me to judge whether or not I am safe when with another, this approach to Life is challenging and yet interesting and exciting to me. Only the man, the boy, my friend and I will really know the changes created within us from these experiences. We took smiling pictures with a camera to add to our real photo albums of course, and we spoke of the skill and time that each family had given to this beautiful modest home. As I watched them drive away, I knew this strong, courageous couple was focusing their attention on accepting and living Life fully in each moment, and I was grateful that they were part of mine! Simultaneously, I feel “less than” because I’m choosing not to do something “important” and “more than” because I feel at some level the other person isn’t capable of understanding that need. She continues my therapy and she comments that my pelvic area begins to move a little, but I can’t seem to feel it. Have I, therefore, sent a message to my intellect to override this pain and continue to function. I will not seek the answer in my mind, but I will relax into the present and observe what comes to me.
In the absence of fear, it seems each of us becomes a conduit for the Light and its reflection.
Many rocks upon the ground were more visible to me than usual and I wanted to pick up all of them. The intention to feed the love light within me healed the small shadowed part of my heart a bit more and allowed me to know the joy of this new experience. Archibald, was transfered into the Mission office, and Elder Lamar Fairbanks came in to replace him. And if your thyroid is running too low, you can eat perfectly and take tons of vitamins and still feel sick. The curious part of me whispers, “go out and take a few photos.” So dressed in my robe and slippers with camera in tow, my hands slide back the door, and I venture out.
As I said “yes, and” to what she had to say, the profound lesson came that what she was saying would be an amazing way to not only do improv, it would change a life from a negative focus to a positive one. Over the years, my daughter and I, had pleaded, threatened, and prayed for him to give up drinking. He was free and it was spring one year and four months after his first healthy choice in a very long time.
The last few years have been filled with the joy of living and remembering his life and what it brought to mine. One of me is the movie my personality creates with thinking, assessing, resisting, and this me was the Seer who watches in loving amazement at times.
There was a time in the past when this need would cause me to question “who I am,” and “why am I like this;” now it feels warm with acceptance like the return of an absent and beloved friend. He wanted to hear his music uninterrupted and spit on his sister when she came into his room to chat. These moments of choice step-by-step and consequence-by-consequence truly become the Life I experience. She never considered herself handicapped, and her acceptance has brought me bravery and added awareness that life is created by the choice to live with “what is” with courage. Another man loses his job and decides to create a different way of living and becomes a role model for others. We are a soul having a physical experience that has the opportunity to contribute to the healing of all living beings. In the peaceful stillness, I closed my eyes and let the gurgle of the racing river wash through me as the sun shared its warmth. If the answer is limits, look at it and let it go for it does not serve your Life or anyone’s. With closer observation of the direction of the winds and of the angles of the sun, it becomes clear that the one that seems to be leaning-in has twisted, has transformed, and has become deeply rooted thereby protecting the other from the elements.
Our patterned reaction may not be the healthiest response in this moment, and if it is not, it may be wise to make a different choice. Life is by definition impermanent and the cultivation of acceptance has been my yearlong intention since Winter Solstice of last year. I remembered a summer of disruption as Dad added the addition and my son walked in the foundation ditches and later put nails into the exposed electrical outlets. In that moment of presence, their togetherness seemed all that truly mattered, and I was touched by their love for each other. I’ve watched the French Open and seen the victory there as a moment in time that is relevant only to the lives involved. She says that’s okay because the movement is subtle, but necessary to maintain the health of the back and ultimately the nerve in that area.
I will trust the Universal force to support me in my learning and relax into the pain, feel it deeply in the moment; I will no longer resist the discomfort, but welcome it in with whatever message it brings.
I’ve read, baked cookies, watched the birds out my window, slept late, meditated, done yoga, watched old movies, and just stayed in my home with just me. Once again gratitude for what “is” trumped the sadnesses of past experiences and the fears for the future. His memorial was held and the entire community turned out to support his family and to say goodbye to him.
He was a photographer with the tenacity and perfectionism to create a new business and share the beauty of our mountain community with the sick and the well alike. Now absorbed in the beauty of the ocean, focused on the view in the camera, and not feeling my feet, my body tumbles down on the lower deck, my camera flies off into the grass about one foot from the lily pond.
As he voted, we prepared to go outside to collect “Zach’s” vote from the truck, being careful to follow procedures that would allow his ballet to be cast privately. What I have never written about is how difficult and how painful it was to be the Mother of a dying son, and what Life was like for me when I could no longer touch his physical presence.
I smiled with the recognition that it is the Seer that I can trust and I let the Story of discontent go. The need for change calls to be embraced with wonder and welcoming; it is part of the personality that has formed my human experience for as long as I can remember.
I try again; I want to catch the light and hold it, but the flame of the candle cannot be held, it must shine wherever it will or it disappears. Without judgment of how things should be, we can simply shine and bask in each other’s light.
His physical body left us nine years ago, but for me his spirit is in the sound of the wind through the treetops and in the light of an early Easter morning sunrise. And as I chuckle at this thought that is now present, my perception of losing some short-term memory gives me ample time to remember the most important thing: what is the present moment offering me as an opportunity.
My mother says, behind the flower the great sun, which I feel on my face, casts a dark surrounding edge that make the blossom even more vivid and creates a shadow of the stamens on the petal itself. The light shining in her sea foam green eyes reflects what she is seeing through my voice and her other senses. As a physical manifestation of a living Universe with unique skills, hopes, dreams, and personalities, how much healing we contribute is up to each of us for we have free will to choose what we will create. Because of their ages, that would be a very long time into the future, but it was the logic I used to hold on to this small symbol of my son’s longing for health and my own. I turned and sped away leaving him to his own period of learning since he had not ridden a bike for sometime. It was a beautiful river, a beautiful moment, a beautiful bike, another memory, and I loved and was honored to share it with this friend. Perhaps your belief is that you love to write, but that you are too old and unknown to get published; you go forward anyway and your book is published and it brings you great joy. Because they are almost 100 years old, their roots under the surrounding plants, rocks, and soil are entwined with and supportive of each other in ways that cannot be undone. Since I did not feel he was open to the idea that this assumption was in and of itself telling about his view of equality, I just said there are many kinds of strength and the subject was ended.
As this thought was taking up residence in my brain, I noticed a man and a small boy up ahead. I’ve dressed to go biking and yet I stayed in the drama unfolding at the French Open as if it had some significance in my own life.
Time to make the smoothie that has become a part of my mornings of late: cantaloupe, pineapple, blueberries, yogurt, strawberries, apples, and raspberries. It has been years since I fearfully resisted emotional pain and stiffened and numbed against it. For so long, I have worked to be conscious, to be authentic, to be present, and in that moment, the part of me that feels sorry for myself was active yet again. One family member said, “he could be difficult,” and those who knew him best chuckled agreement. This week as I gazed at the two photos, the child and the woman, it dawned on me that the beauty of love has always been within me patiently waiting for me to rediscover it. The silence of deep meditation, the practice to live in this moment, and the awareness that we are a part of something bigger than our physical being have supported me to accept and heal from the things I can not change. As we close our eyes and state our intentions for the week, I feel his love and send him mine. I am filled with love and gratitude for the ability to write my thoughts and feelings down in a way that enriches and expresses my experiences.
When I took it to be restored with new tires, etc., the repairman remarked on how well it was made and how unworn it appeared.
This deep presence and seeing of their combined lives bring a growing appreciation of connectedness.
By convention, equiluxes are the days where sunrise and sunset are closest to being exactly 12 hours apart. I have a deep knowing that no matter what my perception is in the moment, the Universe is a friendly supportive force within me that “does not take sides, but seeks only balance.” It is my intention to have compassion for what I hear and see and to learn the lesson of impermanence as I witness it in nature. What mattered was the memory of love and support that flowed through the energy of the house into me and then to my daughter’s family. I began to think he was just bored as my friend and I turned to playing games on my IPad, so I asked if he would like to join us. Their smells mingle with the sounds of the rain and for a moment the blender whirl drowns out all other sounds. With the absence of resistance to my feelings as they were in that moment, my heart reopened to the beauty and life that was represented by all the parts of the watery heart below. He created gardens that he said, “just evolved.” Their colorful landscapes are a testimony to his ability and actions that put his beauty into the world around him. Since staying here on the deck doesn’t seem to be an option, I pull myself up, retrieve my camera (bent but not broken), and shuffle back to my room and sit silently on the bed. This time was different than before; this time I knew I could accept whatever choice he made, but he was my son and for myself I needed to offer him assistance one last time! The deep wound of loss affected many of my relationships and still I clung to the strength of knowing that I had done the “right” thing. Without the wisdom and acceptance of or “surrender” to each moment as it is, I cannot choose an appropriate action with a conscious intent and honor my need to live authentically in this moment, and the next, and the next. Her voice falls upon my ears and her words become my thoughts, and I imagine with great specificity how the cherry blossom appears and admire its beauty. This cherry blossom is magnificent, and the glory of its connection to this growing child leaves me speechless and filled with awe for this blessed life. Perhaps your belief is that there is only one Path to God and that prevents you from appreciating all those who believe in a different God than yours.
He said, “No, I’ll just walk up to the edge of the golf course.” His demeanor seemed unusual, but I dismissed it and returned to the game my friend and I were sharing. I glide to the coffee maker and the smell of coffee is strong enough to feel like I taste it already. Clearly as the sun moved and warmed the pool, the light would grow and the shadowed frozen area of the pool would diminish. Moss came over to the door and took my hand, in their presence and with tears in her eyes told me, in a voice loud enough for them all to hear, how bad she felt for me, a servant of God, being persecuted in her home. She did this for sometime and eventually the same feeling came over her, and she said she knew it was not true.
My body is tired, my mood is gray like the clouds above the ocean, and self-doubt seems to have taken me over. He had stopped answering his phone and his friends called me to say they thought he was dying. Perhaps your thoughts are that your thoughts are true and you do not question further how best to live your Life with yourself or in relationship to others. The annoyance I felt in my body as I viewed his pain turned into compassion and acceptance for us both.
The back legs and rear of the frog were already in the snake’s mouth and the frog’s body was badly bloated as its eyes bulged, its front legs kicked, and it sought freedom from the snake. My choice to visit the past because I love my daughter created a rare opportunity to catch a glimpse of time passing in the present, and my gratitude for my daughter and our choices to share our Life sang within my heart; a reminder and then a another memory of time passing in the present!
I smile at the wonder of just being present without thinking something should be different than it is. In that moment, under his white hair and beyond his aging body, there was the light of youth and his eyes held the same excitement I had witnessed in the young girl that morning. The last five years had been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me as he was better and then not better over and over again. I could do this and I began a long path of self-healing without the courage to ask for support directly. Perhaps you have doubts about your own goodness and forget to look at the generosity that has been a major thread of your Life. Earlier that day, a dog had stumbled upon a hornet’s nest and had been stung badly, and a staff member went looking for the nest to eliminate it so humans could walk the path without being stung. Button and told her that she should go ahead and have one of the other Elders baptize her and not wait any longer. Meditation had supported me in staying centered enough to love my daughter and her family, support my partner’s interests, hold a demanding job, and attempt to just enjoy and learn about my life. Perhaps your belief is that friends and family should be more open hearted and open minded and so you close your heart and mind to them. They are delicious and colorful in contrast to the dark quiet of the room and the day outside my window.
His essence was generously given in his relationships, his music, his photos, his garden, and his passion for life.
Perhaps you have made what seems like a mistake and your belief is that you cannot be forgiven and that thought keeps you separate from someone you love.
My thought was that the bees were there first and should be left alone to resettle into their lives. I chose only to stand and watch with sadness and curiosity as this unusual sighting in nature played out. I gaze at my joy garden that is bright with purple, pink, and white against a blue-gray sky.
He lived his life with gusto and without apology, or so it seemed to me as he was remembered.
Moss answered the door, I could see she was all ready to leave the house, so I apologized and said I would run on. On this glorious October day, I felt that I had done everything I could and my body sagged from the weight of wanting him to be different. It took him some time to physically fill out the ballot, and it was my honor to wait for him.
For me, Zach’s light infused the darkness around the truck and as I looked from my fellow poll worker’s eyes to Zach’s son-in-law’s eyes, they seemed to glow with something unexplainable.
I could no longer watch so we turned away and continued our walk through this civilized and yet still wildly natural, tourist attraction.
They had been through the Salt Lake Temple and had their marriage sealed for time and all eternity.



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