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Key traits that women find attractive: physical health and capability (including height and strength), mental health, intelligence, kindness, willpower, self-control, status and prestige, social network and resources. Willpower is attractive because if a man can control himself, set goals and then take the steps needed to achieve those goals, he is likely to succeed.
This podcast is gonna be about “What Women Want.” The first thing we have to get straight right off the bat for listeners is we’re not just two fucking clowns sitting here, talking about, “Oh! We’re talking about this: there’s been years and years into decades of studies, multiple people, researchers doing tons of different work, all showing, very clearly…Different types of studies, whether it’s surveys, or studying media, or studying actual choices. The way I understand it, the way I break it down in my mind, is that these traits represents three major categories: women look for good genes in men, the ability to be a good partner in a man, and the ability to be a good dad. Talent scouts and casting directors know very well which male would-be stars are actually going to appeal to the female audience, right?
Listen, a huge part of this book, in fact, the majority of the book is explaining in detail what women want for guys so that guys can then either develop and cultivate those traits or figure out ways to minimize it if they’re not good at it, et cetera. Well, if you ask women, they go, “I don’t want a guy who’s super bulky.” The kind of bodies that women tend to want are kind of Cross fit bodies, where you can do lots of different things. And bear in mind, in pre-history, before electronic media, before TV and Facebook and all of that, life was so much more boring.
Entertainers are valued and women are still kind of wired to value you as an entertainer who kind of lightens her life. Bear in mind that when women are making these mate choice decisions, they’re gonna gather information wherever it’s available.
The younger you are, the more you can fuck everything else up, and if you have good status, you’ll still be very attractive to women. The key thing that varies for women is, just like women choose men on a certain set of traits that kind of add up to the man’s overall mate value, men also choose women based on a set of female traits that actually overlap quite a bit. And so, imprinting just means you tend to seek boyfriends who are kind of similar to your dad in certain ways. It’s not like a woman’s a total slut, and then two weeks later, she’s like a different person. We’ll go over this more in-depth in the book, but some of the things that can really impact what women are more or less attracted to are her economic autonomy. Well, one thing is that organisms in general don’t have a lot of insight into why they want things.
I think one thing I want to reemphasize, ‘cause this is something that people don’t understand about – it took me a long time to understand this, too. Because you don’t wanna feel slutty, or there’s these social factors working on your conscience.
The irony is, often, I think women are particularly good at this if they’re chasing a high-status guy. I think one big thing is just…bear in mind that most guys actually don’t have that many sexual partners in their lives. The other thing is, a lot of dating gurus who give advice about, here’s how to fix this and this and this and this part of your game. Or they’re just looking to fuck and he happens to be the least pathetic guy they’ve met that night. And I think it often works only on a particular kind of girl in a particular context, and if you rely on trial-and-error, it’s really easy to get stuck in a rut where you learn a few little tricks or moves or seduction tactics that seem to work on a particular kind of woman of a particular age of a particular mate value in a specific space. Either it doesn’t work or they’re still getting the kind of women they used to, but they’re kind of gradually realizing, that’s not really good girlfriend material or good wife material.
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Over 25,000 people like you who are serious about improving their dating life and getting more hot dates in less than 30 days have joined our free Secret Society Newsletter. Miller discuss the traits that women find attractive in men, the preferences that vary between women (and why), and the reasons that both men and women often don’t give good advice to other men. In my experience, women like plaid shirts” or “women like guys in tight jeans.” This is not anecdote, right?
So, we’re talking about something a little more abstract, but also more fundamental than, like, eye color or particular clothing styles. There’s so many great examples you can show of this, but I think one of the best ones may be this: Hollywood, if you want to just see it in America. All the way from Cary Grant, Marlin Brando, Richard Gere, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling, these guys were all no-brainers.
But, let’s kind of give guys a basic break-down of some of the major things that women look for.
The hunters who succeed are not massive steroided up body builders, because you can’t run very well.
We’re talking about a slim, athletic physique with some upper-body capabilities where you can walk, run, swim, hunt, fight. It’s not like he was born depressed, and for no good reason, he’s just an existentially kind of fucked-up guy. I think we talked about this in another podcast, but repeating stuff always helps people learn.
And when I talk to my grad students who’ve done field research among the Tsimane tribal people in Bolivia, where they’ve got no electronics.
This is always sort of one thing that women want that guys get confused about, is willpower. You’re not gonna make a good husband or father if you’re spending a third of your waking hours worried about some addiction. The two big predictors of wealth and economic success are intelligence and conscientiousness, which is basically the same as willpower over addiction. Protecting babies, toddlers, kids…you’ve gotta understand not just what they desire, but what’s dangerous to them from their little point of view. I think this is probably the biggest thing for especially young people, because a lot of these other things matter more as you get older. There’s a couple good studies that came out about this recently, where the ones that study how people did who were popular in high school versus after, because being popular in high school is not usually the exact same set of traits that being popular in the real world is. Good boyfriend traits are gonna get you a long way to your goal, whatever that mating goal is. About 10% of things you need to do differently behaviorally that will maximize short-term mating versus long-term mating, and we will get to that at the end of the book.
I don’t want to call it a formula, ‘cause it’s not an algorithmic checklist, but it’s pretty close. Men choose women who are healthy and attractive and intelligent and funny and interesting and a high status. But the woman’s gonna have a certain mate value that she grows up with from grade school onwards, knowing where she stacks up in terms of her attractiveness to guys. Parental imprinting is just…you’re using your own parents as a cue to what is probably likely to work, because the fact that you exist means both of your parents, if they really are your parents, succeeded in raising at least one offspring.
In the typical 28-day cycle that women go through from menstruating to building up the uterine lining that can potentially get pregnant to being just about to ovulate.
So, when a woman’s at peak fertility, she values a guy who’s got a little bit more masculine face, a deeper voice, a little more socially assertive and extroverted.
How much money does she make can greatly impact what she’s looking for in a man, you know, how she values certain traits related to other ones. Absolutely, ‘cause bear in mind, when a women’s a teenager, she might have her preferences, but not trust them.
And we call that adaptive self-deception, when the mind fools itself for really good reasons. They might hear you’re doing a book tour, Tucker, and they kind of end up accidentally walking past a bookstore at the right time when they kind of vaguely know you’re gonna be there and then they kind of accidentally end up sleeping with you or whatever. It’s not like women just fool themselves and men are these rational beings who understand everything. Your dad, bless his heart, everybody’s dad probably had sex with fewer than ten women before he met your mom and maybe had an affair or two. The thing to remember, too, is part of the reason we’re doing this is because there’s not a systematic, rigorous, empirically tested, effective course of study for understanding women, sex, dating, relationships. And if you interview their wives or girlfriends and ask them, “Why were you really attracted to him?” It will not bear much overlap to why he thinks she was attracted to him. So, we recommend cultivating traits so they’re gonna work across the board to almost any woman in any context that have some real science behind them and universal appeal. That’s the reason why most guys who do pick-up artist shit stop doing it, is because you feel like a skeevy, manipulative loser because a lot of what they teach…that’s what they’re teaching, is how to manipulate. To make up for their lack of charisma, they undergo a tedious and many times downright frustrating trial and error period. Their techniques will empower you, boost your confidence and help you become more socially accepted.
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People learning these skills realized it gave them a statistical advantage in all walks of life, from women to lifestyle, business, sex life, relationships with friends, work, the list goes on. Members of this loosely knit subculture call themselves by various names, including Casanova and Don Juan, but the most common term is pickup artist, or PUA for short. Others in the community believe the term applies only to men who have achieved some level of proficiency in seducing women. An mPUA is someone who has mastered, for most part, the art of pickup and has options in his sex life when he chooses to use his skills. I'm Vince and I created PUA Lingo so you can find unbiased info on social dynamics and dating. Swimmer bodies are super attractive to women because of the V between the shoulders and the waist. The flipside of not having mental illness is you can have conspicuously good mental health, which is being happy, creative, funny, playful, cheerful, emotionally resilient, adaptable, right? I remember when you wrote this in the outline, I was like, “No woman gives a fuck about willpower.” But then the way you explained it made total sense. If you have decent ability to control yourself, to set a goal and do the steps needed in order to achieve it, chances are you’re gonna succeed in the modern world. And she also wants you to understand her friends and her family and her social conditions and her fears and anxieties and hopes and aspirations.
But part of it is, because we live in social groups, we’re social primates, part of it is, what does everyone else think of you? There’s some that overlap, but not a lot, and so there are a lot of people that figured out how to be popular in high school, or they lucked into it or whatever, and they didn’t do well afterwards. A lot of other species, your status is basically determined, like, if you’re female, by your mother’s status. You know, the stuff you have to invest your time and energy in is the same, but it’s not that complicated to understand what women want from the good boyfriend.
So, if you’re a woman, whatever your dad did, however screwed up he might have been, if you’re still alive and functioning, at least he was an adequate dad in some ways.
Like if you had a terrible parent and you’re pissed at them, a lot of times the way the human brain plays that out is you date…I’ll tell you, that’s exactly going on with me, like…I don’t know if a woman could be more opposite of my mom than Veronica. It’s all about how we do all these things and we have no idea why even though we convince ourselves we do.
In a social species like ours, there are lots of good reasons for you to fool yourself so that you can better fool others. So even the guys that are successful probably either lucked into it or figured out certain small things that worked for certain times or periods.
If there’s some pick-up artist who’s super tall or charismatic or good-looking or does magic tricks or happens to have a great smile, he might attribute his success to all kinds of things he’s consciously worked on, but where the women are basically just responding to his physical traits or some social trait he’s not even aware of. I’ve been in Austin the last couple days while we’re recording these podcasts and it’s obvious to me that if I was looking for a girlfriend, the place I would meet her is Whole Foods Market. I see a lot of guys in their twenties and thirties who are using the same kind of mating tactics they used ten years ago.
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If you have really, really low body fat, like a long-distance runner, that means you’re not gonna be able to resist infection well. To make that clear, you’ve never heard a woman say…There are guys who are short and flaccid and unhealthy who still get girls. But basically, I’m thinking that there are definitely women who are attracted to sort of dark, brooding types.
You’d be hard to find a culture where women are like, “Eh, I don’t like funny guys.” And even in those, there are few, I think, reported where humor is not necessarily valued highly, but it was sort of a Western definition of humor, not the culture’s definition. It signals playfulness, so if you’re thinking about, “Is this guy gonna be a good dad?” A lot of that means, is he willing and able to play with my kids in a kind of funny, roleplaying kind of way? Part of a negotiation of any sort of relationship, short- or long-term, is what do you bring to my life? If there’s a conversation, you should be actually paying attention to what she’s saying, understanding it, putting yourself in her perspective. And the better you’re able to have that empathy, the earlier you can demonstrate it in courtship, the more reassuring it is to her.
What’s the consensus view of your value as a person or to the community or in a relationship? It’s one of things where you learn how to do something right, and you think you’re good at it, but all you know how to do is do something in one specific instance, and they don’t ever learn how to adapt or change.
But for humans, the worst situation is low status in high school and you peaked early, which does happen. What are some of the things that will vary across women, what are the things that will vary per woman over time? This is getting into psychoanalysis and life history theory, but the basic idea is some women will like guys with beards and some women won’t, and part of that can just be a conscious decision, but part of it can be parental imprinting. And then, a week earlier or a week later, she’ll value basically a guy who’s a little bit nicer, a little wimpier, a little bit less of an asshole.
They’ll imitate the choices that other females make more when they’re young, when they don’t have experience, and then when they’re more mature females, they trust their judgment and they don’t need to know what other females think. If you’ve ever been in a situation with a women where you kind of end up having sex faster than you thought and afterwards you realize, we both knew that was on.
But I think women don’t just…it’s not just women giving bad advice to men or fooling themselves.
That means whatever advice they give you is based on this little sample size of what happened to work in their life and then whatever woman happened to eventually accept them as husband material. Even usually the successful guys, they only know that something they did worked, and they’re gonna rationalize. They don’t know what they’re talking about, they’ve never studied this and are just generalizing from their one experience, or they’re trying to teach this but they really don’t know what they’re talking about. During the night session of bootcamp, you can put all that you’ve learned into practice and receive valuable feedback.
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And it’s like, that’s really all I ever intended them to be, and I have a very high status because of that. But there’s always new status games you can play, new social niches you can explore, new ways to gain status in so many different domains of life, and that’s the great thing about being human.
It’s a finite list of specific traits, and you can cultivate those traits, and if you do, you will be more attractive to women.
So, whenever you’re talking to a woman, you automatically make an assessment of her mate value in terms of how attracted to her you are, but also bear in mind, she already knows her mate value and it’s gonna influence what she’s looking for. People tend to match other people who kind of have similar mate value to themselves, and that’s what you expect from a kind of competitive market.
She’s so stable, so emotionally resilient and intelligent and all these sorts of things, which are things my mom did not really display. It’s hard to track these cycles if you’re a guy just meeting women, but be aware that she might like you better next week than she does this week. Republicans and Democrats, for the most part, match up, but sometimes Democratic women can value certain traits – empathy, maybe – more than Republican women, et cetera. Here’s the best example, I think, that the pick-up artist community, you should not listen to them except for…I don’t know.
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But generally, that fits a sort of archetype, whereas other things absolutely fill in that space and make up for it. How he copes with that, how resilient he is a really good signal of how he’s gonna cope in the future if, let’s say, she has a difficult pregnancy or their kid is acting up or there’s a famine. Is he gonna be able to resolve arguments with humor and self-deprecation and lightness rather than just being dead serious about everything? And our brains are literally wired to interpret almost everything as status, and to not just figure out where we are, but to achieve higher status.
One thing to bear in mind is just, women’s preferences will differ in terms of how choosey they are based on what the woman’s own mate value is. Women who like abusive guys almost certainly had abusive fathers and probably in a very similar way, generally speaking. There’s now hundreds of papers showing that what women want varies a little bit across a cycle.
My favorite example is the study where they took people who had the split corpus callosums ‘cause of the epilepsy surgeries, and they put a split-screen in front of them.
But there’s this deep attraction and this guy’s displayed the five things that you really care about on an unconscious level, or the three things conscious, et cetera, and your friends aren’t around…We’re just making up a scenario. But if I went into Whole Foods Market dressed up, peacocking with some elaborate weird hat and doing magic tricks or running game the way that guys think they should run it in clubs. Even the pickup artist has to track what he is saying and the response he is getting from each message he is putting out there.
So, Hollywood has kind of cracked this code a little bit in terms of understanding, at least, implicitly, what women want and what they respond to.
That matters a lot when potential future children are dependent on a women for twenty or thirty years, potentially. But you’ve never heard a woman say, “Man, I just love how doughy and disgusting Jonah Hill is.” No, they like him because in other ways, he’s so incredibly attractive, mainly in status and resources.
No woman’s ever like, “Man, I really like him because he’s depressed.” No woman’s ever said that. I think the other side of that is, if you have good status in high school or college, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s gonna translate, you know? What are some other examples of how parental imprinting can change, or do you think those are good? As it should, because if you’re meeting a guy and you could actually potentially get pregnant tonight if you mated with him, his Good Genes traits matter a lot more. Research, academia…why don’t you just ask women what they want?” In certain ways, that’s good advice.
It might not be socially acceptable to say, “You know what, he just wasn’t tall enough for me,” or “His penis wasn’t girthy enough,” or “He didn’t make enough money.” There’s all these ideological constraints.
I don’t want to spend too much time shitting on poor guys who are terrible with women, because that’s pretty much all of us at some stage of our life. One of them stops and starts putting his tennis shoes on, and the guy’s like, “What the fuck are you doing? Here’s why: ‘cause the iconic thing that they teach is a principle they call peacocking, right? When you’re in the real world, even though our brains aren’t equipped this way, my status doesn’t necessarily trade off with yours. So, women use status as a really convenient, powerful cue that says, basically, how much do other people respect this guy?
I think we’ll do one podcast that’s just on mammalian status hierarchies, how they play out in the brain, how that…what that means for you and your behavior.
The agenda is, we’re gonna help you get better with women and achieve your goals with women, whatever they are.
If you met him and you’re menstruating, you’re not gonna be fertile for two weeks, and at least in the short-term, his Good Partner traits might matter more.
If you’re asking a woman what shoes do you like a guy to wear, then you should listen to their answer, ‘cause they’re gonna give you a good answer. But the point is, you do something that feels totally right, but isn’t in line with…religious people. Even if you have tennis shoes on, you can’t outrun a tiger.” And the guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the tiger.
Does your brain work right in the sense of not having depression or autism or schizophrenia or major mental disorders, right? We’re going to talk about this in another podcast, why women evolve to have these preferences, because these are all evolved preferences. So, there’s a lot of evidence now that these cycle effects also nudge female preferences in different directions.
Where are the areas that, I don’t wanna say you shouldn’t listen to women, but the things that women will say they like or go after don’t necessarily reflect their actually decisions?
They’re not calibrated yet, so they don’t really know what they’re missing if they haven’t happened to have been exposed to a boyfriend with a certain trait.
And so one TV had a picture of a rabbit and the other one would have a command, like “stand up.” “Stand up” was, I think, on the – I’m probably gonna get the hemispheres reversed, but it was projecting to the left eye, so it was the right brain? I’m having fucking Catholic girls have had anal sex ‘cause they’ve convinced themselves that that’s not losing their virginity, which is so preposterous in every way, but that’s an example of a conscious mental gymnastics. But the idea in peacocking is, that one fucking dude who wears the top-hat and the goggles and the make-up, right? My answer would be to test out the message, pricing, incentives, and shipping and handling to see if your target audience likes it.
A certain percent of guys have those, and they’re really difficult to overcome in the dating world.
Women did not – I’ve said this before and I’m going to say this again, many times – women did not get together and decide, “We’re going to like tall men and fuck short men, for some reason.
If in your mind, you’re thinking, “Well, Jonah Hill does it.” Well, motherfucker, you’re not Jonah Hill.
And he’s saying, well, you do these outlandish things to gain attention just like a peacock. To hell with them.” They have evolved to choose these traits because the women who chose these traits in the past had more genetic success than the ones that chose other things, right? All these things that we described that women want, we’re going to tell you how to get better at them, and if you’re not good at them, either to make sure they’re not a drag or to accentuate the things you’re good at, to show up the things you’re bad at.
Listen, I can tell you absolutely in my experience, young women, like eighteen to twenty-two, have a very different set of things that they look for an emphasize, twenty-three to twenty-eight is different, and then twenty-eight to thirty-four. His musical talent doesn’t matter.” Well, then a year later, maybe she dates a musician and thinks, “Oh, my god. They’ll figure out ways to rationalize it so that they align the mammalian limbic brain with the human conscience cortex. So, we’re gonna explain that in detail in a different podcast, which is how these preferences involved.
That’s kind of the way the modern world works, whereas school doesn’t really work that way as much.
Then the researcher would ask them, “Why would you stand up?” And because their hemispheres were split, they couldn’t connect the thought. All of that is a huge turn-off to women because even though it might not necessarily be hurting you that much, in the present, it does not bode well. They’ve already decided they’re gonna hook up and they’re just trying to pick the guy they want to hook up with. After the primary survival needs are met, the first thing humans do is look for entertainment. And it actually is, because here’s the kicker: listen, I’m gonna say this again and again, but it’s super important—it doesn’t matter what your mating goals are. I’m never gonna date a guy who can’t play guitar again.” So, until a woman is sort of in her thirties and has experience with a variety of men, she won’t quite know how to talk about her preferences clearly. And then there’s a lot of social and moral traits, like your willpower, your self-control, your kindness. Another thing is, there’s a lot of preferences women have that they don’t have to consciously think about, but where they can just kind of filter guys out based on the guy approaching them. You just have to be better than the other losers at that fucking club, and you’re gonna get laid.
Peacocks actually have their major, huge plume as a way of showing how healthy they are and how robust they are, because they can waste so many resources on this ostentatious, ridiculous display.
So a woman might not have to say, “Oh, I prefer extroverted guys.” It just happens that, oh, only the extroverts have the guts to approach her. The left brain said, oh, I just wanted to scratch myself or I just kind of felt like standing up. And it’s like, holy shit, you see videos of this research and you’re like, holy shit, these people don’t even realize that their brain is designed to lie to itself, to come up with a reason for behavior if it can’t find one. You’re exactly right, guys who sort of teach those “tricks,” all they’re doing is they’re taking guys who were utterly pathetic and they’re helping them…Listen, this is a benefit.
They don’t even understand the basic science enough to understand what the fuck they’re talking about.
Regardless of what your goals are, they’re best served by creating a set of attractive traits that emulate the type of guy a woman would want to date or marry. I’m not trying to say…I’m not one of those people shading, like, oh, if you’re teaching this, you’re automatically a loser. I was like, “Holy shit.” Because the implication is your brain is doing this to itself for any number of things that you don’t realize. But if you’re teaching a dude how to go to a place and be less pathetic than other guys, to get laid that night, that’s better than nothing, but that’s not really gonna help you achieve real mating success. They basically groped around in the dark with trial-and-error, almost like an engineer, ‘cause most of them are autistic engineers.
They reverse-engineered and groped around the dark with trial-and-error until they found certain things that work, and they don’t really understand what they’re doing or why they’re doing, and a lot of what they’re doing is almost like cargo cult science, you know? They have no idea what they’re doing, but they know they’re doing better than they used to, so they are scribing meaning to it.
And so much of what we think and feel about emotional stuff or love or sex or whatever works like that. There’s many reasons why, but the only reason guys fucking pay attention to music is because it gets girls.



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Comments to «Pick up artist devil»

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