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24.05.2014
Over 70% of black women, girls younger than me, my age, older than me, the girl who use to do my hair was I was younger, my old best friend, elementary classmatesa€”all of these women are mothers now or will be mothers at some pointa€”single mothers. Ia€™m a young single black woman, professional status currently being pursued and no children.
Over 70% of black women, girls younger than me, my age, older than me, the girl who use to do my hair was I was younger, my old best friend, elementary classmatesa€”all of these women are mothers now or will be mothers at some point a€” single mothers.
So when my parents told me not to wear things that would attract the attention of the guys in my neighborhood, I wasna€™t surprised.
The only way I know how to turn a son into a father is the way my father taught mea€”he has to be raised by one.
Throughout all of my teen years I looked old enough to be a mother because young black women every day are becoming mothers. Even if I did, everything was pretty and traditional, all the way up to me walking to my husband. Even if my dream got to that painful labor scene, my lovely husband was always there to have his hand held to oblivion.But it seems like men skipping out on the mothers of their children is a phenomenon enough in itself at 70%.
The men who were hanging out on the corners, the men wearing baggy jeans, the men who ran indoors whenever the police passed by the neighborhood.
But many years from twelve, I have a lot to learn about men and I know that Ia€™m definitely not ready for a child.
Leading up to my birthday I wrote a post on what I learned in my 20s.But I did something else. I sent an email out to my subscribers (subscribe here) and asked readers age 37 and older what advice they would give their 30-year-old selves. The idea was that I would crowdsource the life experience from my older readership and create another article based on their collective wisdom. The same 5-6 pieces of advice came up over and over and over again in different forms across literally 100s of emails.
It seems that there really are a few core pieces of advice that are particularly relevant to this decade of your life.Below are 10 of the most common themes appearing throughout all of the 600 emails. Start Saving for Retirement Now, Not Later“I spent my 20s recklessly, but your 30s should be when you make a big financial push. Understanding boring things like insurance, 401ks & mortgages is important since its all on your shoulders now. I would have been more diligent about a retirement fund, because now mine looks pretty small.” Gee whiz!


Saving is so easy and so fun!And then there were the readers who were just completely screwed by their inability to save in their 30s. Her career took a turn for the worst and now she’s stuck at 57, still living paycheck to paycheck. They later got divorced and she soon ran into health problems, draining all of the money she received in the divorce settlement. She, too, now lives paycheck to paycheck, slowly waiting for the day social security kicks in. One woman emailed me saying that she had worked low-wage jobs with two kids in her 30s and still managed to sock away some money in a retirement fund each year. Because she started early and invested wisely, she is now in her 50s and financially stable for the first time in her life.
These were emails from cancer survivors, heart attack survivors, stroke survivors, people with diabetes and blood pressure problems, joint issues and chronic pain. I think that between 30 and 40 is the decade when a lot of shit finally starts to happen that you might have thought never would happen to you or those you love.
Parents die, spouses die, babies are still-born, friends get divorced, spouses cheat… the list goes on and on. It takes a lot of sacrifice to achieve anything special in life.”A few readers noted that most people arbitrarily choose their careers in their late teens or early 20s, and as with many of our choices at those ages, they are often wrong choices. It may mean ditching a career they spent a decade building and giving up money they worked hard for and became accustomed to. Don’t Be Afraid of Taking Risks, You Can Still Change“While by age 30 most feel they should have their career dialed in, it is never too late to reset. The individuals that I have seen with the biggest regrets during this decade are those that stay in something that they know is not right.
When I asked my mom this question, her answer was, “I wish I had been willing to think outside the box a bit more.
Many readers related the choice of going back to school and getting their degrees in their 30s as one of the most useful things they had ever done.
Others checked themselves into therapy or began a meditation practice.As Warren Buffett once said, the greatest investment a young person can make is in their own education, in their own mind. Stop assuming you can plan far ahead, stop obsessing about what is happening right now because it will change anyway, and get over the control issue about your life’s direction. Fortunately, because this is true, you can take even more chances and not lose anything; you cannot lose what you never had.


While this is disturbing to those who cling to permanence or security, it’s truly liberating once you grasp the truth that things are always changing. Sorrow is part of everyone’s lifetime and the consequence of an open and passionate heart. They are always going to see you as their kid until the moment you can make them see you as your own man.
Take advantage of the time you have left to set things right and enjoy your family.” (Kash, 41)I was overwhelmed with amount of responses about family and the power of those responses. Family is the big new relevant topic for this decade for me, because you get it on both ends. Your parents are old and you need to start considering how your relationship with them is going to function as a self-sufficient adult. And then you also need to contemplate creating a family of your own.Pretty much everybody agreed to get over whatever problems you have with your parents and find a way to make it work with them. You will never regret it.” (Kevin, 38)“It’s never the ‘right time’ for children because you have no idea what you’re getting into until you have one. Try to stay open to the experience and fluid as a person; your marriage is worth it, and your happiness seems as much tied to your ability to change and adapt as anything else.
Children are the most fulfilling, challenging, and exhausting endeavor anyone can ever undertake.
Ever.” (Rich, 44) What do you want kid?The consensus about marriage seemed to be that it was worth it, assuming you had a healthy relationship with the right person. I would add, don’t forget to actually grow up and start a family and take on responsibilities other than success at work. This is the part of the website where I put a big toothy grin on my face and scream “BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!” at you in hopes to hold your attention for more than 30 milliseconds.Because wait, there actually is more. If you’d like to learn more about where some of the ideas from these articles came from and hear my responses to critical feedback, and if you’re interested in hearing me answer reader questions like I’m Anne fucking Landers and talk a bit more about my own experiences, my business ventures, and what I eat for breakfast on Sundays, well, then there actually is more.




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