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09.02.2015
Yes, the mention of a Swedish mulled wine that lots of adults in the audience probably wouldn’t be able to identify could just be too much for a child.
This warning is written in the same tone as one would write about audience members vomiting or suffering seizures. One of the characters shown on screen may or may not have had sex before in their lifetime, although it is not mentioned or depicted. Yeah, how dare that animated character’s body parts do things that actual people’s body parts do in real life! I was almost okay with my child seeing all the kidnapping and the yelling, but when you told me every word she says is yelled, I just didn’t want to risk it. The choice of words that went into this description makes it sound approximately 100 times more menacing than it probably is onscreen. Suggestive dancing is okay when someone’s with you, but doing it by yourself is just filthy. I include this one less to laugh at how ridiculous the warnings are and more to remind you that this is a movie you probably watched as a child, and how insane that is to think about once you remember what it contained. Thank God SOMEONE is finally giving a voice to those of us who find scrap booking frightening and wholly unacceptable.
The scene where judge doom drops the little shoe toon into the toon-killing chemical has stuck with me for over 20 years. I was talking to my husband last night about how upsetting and out of place that scene about the Santa Dad was in Gremlins.
So I am not the only one who has been living with this particular trauma for the past two decades!!
Also, was anyone else seriously traumatized by that book, “The Velveteen Rabbit”? I didn’t think anything of that movie but than again as a little girl one of my favorite movies was The People Under The Stairs so maybe something was wrong with my brain. If you have a child that is bothered or disturbed in any way by any of this stuff and you feel you need to be warned about it, then you completely fucked up as a parent.


I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as an adult obviously, and that scene with the squirrels actually was pretty disturbing! It makes sense, since parents obviously want to be sure there’s nothing inappropriate or frightening in a movie their kids want to see.
Parents who prefer their children to watch movies about emotionless robots might want to avoid this one. You’re going to get worked up over underwear on a mannequin, something that everyone sees at the mall?
I’m pretty sure even six-year-old me felt like this was totally inappropriate viewing material. Because that one caused me to live with the pervasive fear that I would somehow contract measles and my parents would be forced to BURN ALL OF MY VERY SENTIENT TOYS for the majority of my childhood, despite the numerous occasions on which my poor parents tried to explain measles vaccines and the state of late 20th century medicine to me.
Do everyone especially your kid a favor and give them up for adoption so your child has a chance in life and doesn’t turn out to be a big pussbag. I went to a playdate at a friend’s house when I was about 8 or 9 and her mom let us watch Grease. The shoe and the Velveteen Rabbit managed to screw me up, while watching Dracula and Gettysburg with my father didn’t phase me a bit. On top of all that, they’re extremely detailed, and even the most innocent moments are pointed out just in case someone finds them offensive. Because even a .0000001% chance that someone might light my toys on fire was far too likely in my five year old eyes.
The guides for kids’ movies are sometimes even more entertaining, because the warnings become so nit-picky and the most absurd situations are described with such seriousness. Now I shall go clutch my pearls on the chaise longue and fan myself with a scare mongering newspaper.



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