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The Story: An 800-year-old witch hunter squares off against an ill-tempered witch queen with rebirth on her mind. It would be sufficiently embarrassing to end up playing the kind of role we’ve come to expect to star Nicolas Cage, but Vin Diesel has upped the ante with The Last Witch Hunter. Not only has Diesel plopped the mantle of Cage on his shoulders, he seems to have borrowed one of Cage’s justly celebrated hairpieces, since, in the period scenes, Diesel has some kind of deceased animal pelt affixed to his trademark bald dome. The whole idea is that 800 years ago (give or take) Diesel — playing a character only known as Kaulder — killed off the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht), who cursed him with eternal life. For every nice touch of film noir parody, there are two or three instances of a mythology that never really defines itself. Well, watch Paranormal Stupidity and I assure you this one’s good points will shine out like a beacon. To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Subscribe to the Xpress Newsletter and get all the week's print stories delivered to your inbox!

Alice in Wonderland 2010 lets people who are familiar with the story remember the magical scene once again. The Lowdown: Not good enough to be good, and not quite bad enough to be fun, this is strictly for Vin Diesel diehards. It gets better, though, because he also sports some kind of matted crepe hair beard that makes him look like a Ren-faire Viking.
Well, it’s eternal life or the next best thing, since his longevity — rather like that of the bad guy in Captain Sindbad (1963) — depends on her heart being preserved in beating condition. However, next thing you know, Dolan 36 has died, Kaulder detects the aroma of witchly rodentia — and a dire plot to bring back the Witch Queen is uncovered.
For every cool idea — like the potion-bar run by shape-shifting romantic interest Rose Leslie — there are at least a half-dozen instances of badly-crafted action scenes, bloated CGI effects, transparent plot twists and groan-inducing stabs at cleverness. So, up to our present time, the only thing standing between us and our destruction at the hands of witches is Vin Diesel. The evidence is lacking.) In between such assignments, he seems to while away his spare time romancing hot airline stewardesses and tinkering with old watches.

There is much consternation — along with convoluted plotting, assorted duplicities, romance, the revelation that Kaulder is the world’s biggest sucker, etc. I have decorated my desktop with the wallpapers, and look into them at times while I am tired.
Fortunately for all of us — and the sake of basic sanitation — the hirsute Diesel is dropped (apart from occasional flashbacks) once the film gets to modern times. It’s all sufficiently goofy that it ought to be entertaining, at least in a wayward fashion.
Then it will let me slip out of my mind and stroll into the wonderland for a mystical journey of my own. Diesel himself produced this movie, meaning he brought it on himself in the apparent belief that playing 800-year-old witch hunter — working for one of those super-top-secret branches of the Catholic Church — was a good idea.

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19.10.2015 admin

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