04.08.2015

Wanted to get pregnant but now i regret it

Each of my pregnancies ended in abortion – not because I didn’t want to be a mum, but because I wanted motherhood at the right time with the right man. My eldest would now be 34, but I never just wanted a baby; I wanted a family with two loving parents. I didn’t even consider I might get pregnant and when I did I was devastated, not least because I knew how disappointed my parents would be. Bound by patient confidentiality not to tell my parents, he urged me to tell them but there was no way I could face them. I adored Michael and he did want children, but from the start we had a turbulent relationship. Michael and I gave our marriage another go but it didn’t work out and in 1990 I moved to New York to work as a PA for a hair company. For two years, I was infatuated with him and when I got pregnant – admittedly accidentally on purpose – I was thrilled. Of all my abortions, this is the one I regret the most and I wish I’d been brave enough to go it alone.
I was now 32, Arthur was 41 and though he told me he did not want children – he already had two daughters with his ex – when my biological clock started ticking at 34, I hoped he’d change his mind.
But life hadn’t quite done with me and at 41, in November 2004, I met my current partner Graham. I’m not sure I agree with all of this, but having kids at 25 worked well for me, anyway. Now I am just so thankful that I *already* made full professor and have a good publication record because there is no way that I could do all that now, with a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. I love this post, primarily because I was 35 when I finally got pregnant and it freaks me out that I will be 55 when my daughter goes off to college.
Sometimes I think to myself that I have a good 25-30 years left of solid work years ahead of me but I have no intention of not being around when my daughter comes home from school or when she is sick or when she just needs me so deciding at this point in my life to go climb any type of ladder is just not going to happen.
Which means that the subset of marriages where a woman wants a high-powered job and wants to be married to a guy who genuinely wants to do this stuff is so miniscule that it’s not worth talking about. Women who are high powered do not generally want men who want to spend their time managing the household social calendar (something that is a HUGE job for a stay-at-home parent.) Statistically, women, no matter how much they earn, look to date men who earn more than they do.
But my mother was an immigrant who worked her ass off while her two young kids were at home with a nanny.


It’s so much more empowering to talk about what one woman can do to get what that one woman wants.
Hopefully now this is changing and it won’t be so hard to find the truth between the lines. But after twenty years of deafening feminist diatribe it is actually controversial to say that a mom is a better mom if she is home with her kids. And I loved that women are coming forward to say that it is literally impossible to have a high-powered career while you have young kids, if you want to be involved in your kids’ lives. And seeing my first daughter almost 16 now I know how fast this time goes and really want to spend time with my little ones. I wasn’t thinking of it as a very career-savvy choice (I just really wanted a baby!) but in retrospect it was perfect timing.
I cringe because it sounds so outdated and I was a mess at 23 so getting married seemed totally absurd.
I get this statistic because 75% of the feeling types in the world are women and 25% are men. The bigger issue, though, is that most women don’t want to be married to a guy who does this stuff. Because I am 25 and I feel like I’m letting opportunities slip by, that already I am getting too old to start doing something important or meaningful.
I think there are a lot of people like this in the work world who don’t (for whatever reason) want to admit it.
My take was very different but that happens when we read and adjust information our own situation.
The one glitch to it is that at age 45, when a woman is ready and very capable to charge into the career world, her husband is ready to start slowing down a bit and wanting to spend time with his wife. I suppose when it comes to family size & ability to climb the ladder, it also depends when you get started.
I have written before about how ludicrous is is for Sandberg to think she’s a role model for women when there is a huge amount of research to say that women who have kids want part-time jobs. But she says, if you want to have a huge career, have kids when you are 25 so your kids will be grown when you are 45, because there will still be time to have a huge career. There is no evidence that doing well in school during that period of your life will get you worthwhile benefits.


We don’t exist independently of the impulses governed by our hormones, which include a predisposition to spending time with the children we bear, which is why the research does show that most mothers of small children want part time work.
But then, had to help with grandchildren during our peak earning years and thus work suffered anyway.
But what P does is transcribing a very well written article that speaks about high, high powered women already or on their way to top jobs and fits it into her own, by now familiar, agenda. I am sandwiched in the workplace in the worst possible position age-wise, but have addressed this by finding freelance work I enjoy which will hopefully contribute to making people’s lives work better in a very tiny way.
Few families share 50-50 duties, but when it is the woman who is less than half, this is a problem.
Sandberg assumes that women want high-powered jobs like hers and don’t have those jobs because there are no role models.
But more than that, women who are in their twenties are in their prime in terms of self-confidence.
My infertility doctors would not have liked it but my career would have thanked me profusely.
But what usually stops them from making the decision to be a stay-at-home-dad (other than finances) is the stigma attached; society still by and large frowns upon the man doing that. For the past ten years I have been a fairly ambitious writer and author, but definitely in a part-time sense as I was having children every two or three years. There is evidence, though, that women who focus on marriage have better marriages. There is evidence that women who have kids earlier have healthier kids, and there is evidence, now, that women who have grown children by age 45 do better at getting to the top in the workforce than all other women with kids.
Only what you are asking young women to give up is the time when they could be getting advanced degrees, building trust and companionship with the partner they have chosen before the relationship is tested by kids, and having good old-fashioned, early-20s FUN! Now, though, I can foresee a time coming in just a year and a half where all of my children will be in school all day and my life will be completely different than my motherhood experience has been so far. You may not find a partner in your early twenties, you may not even be able to become pregnant when you want to.



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